Behind The Mask

Yesterday I was frustrated and on the precipice of a heart-wrenching and conflicting realization. I desperately wanted to burst open and pour out all my thoughts, feelings and anxieties but I resisted. I resisted even in the presence of someone with no personal connection to my past or present circumstances or any personal bias. I resisted because I was afraid that someone would finally see me for who I really am rather than the mask I flash before them. Someone could unearth the interred remains of an identity I desperately tried to suppress and stifle ages long ago. For what more terrifying monsters lie in wait for us than the visage of our most repulsive and impulsive selves? Am I subhuman? A monster? Selfish? Greedy? Lusty? Unabashed? Impetuous? Immoral? Deceptive?

Later, I began an uncomfortable conversation with myself in hopes of alleviating some of the internal strife only to unravel further the tangled, mangled mess and catch fleeting glimpses of a new identity with complex and apparently contradictory beliefs and values. Who am I? Who have I become? Why do I continue to resist knowing full well the repercussions of isolation?

The Violin Story

This story takes place during my fourth grade year at H. S. Thompson Learning Center. I'm excited that I get to tell you this story because I've only shared this story with one person.... and I don't think it counts because that person was my therapist. So, this is the first time I've ever shared this story and its profound significance with anyone. Wow.
Alright, let me set the scene because this story takes place in an old, smelly portable behind our school. The floors squeaked and creaked and the air conditioning never worked and you had sweaty bodies smelling up the poor place and it always seemed bewilderingly fragile like a really strong gust of wind could bring it all crashing down. Well, you should know that this particular portable was no ordinary place, despite the health and hazardous code violations; it transported us to a magical realm.
I should also introduce you to Ms. Waites, who is the protagonist of this tale; though it's my story, she's the real heroine. Ms. Waites was my violin teacher, Strings director, a talented violinist, an inspirational teacher and all around well-rounded, colorful human being full of love and light.
I met Ms. Waites in Art class with Ms. Packard; she was going around signing up students for strings classes. As you may know, I sprung from the womb with my life's missions etched into my soul so I knew from the moment I saw Ms. Waites that this woman would change my life. I leaped at the opportunity to sign up and asked her a dozen questions on the spot. She went for it.
Okay, here's where things travel into a gray area in my character. When I asked my mother if I could play an instrument, she didn't want to be bothered either because I was generally a very demanding child and asked too damn many questions (nagged the hell out of her) or she didn't understand that the course and material was free. Instead of bothering myself with trying to convince my mother to sign the form, I decided to take an expedited route. Also, I knew that I probably lacked the innate persuasive abilities as a young child so I didn't even try. Who understands the reasoning and logic of a child? Who cares?
After assessing the risk involved, I decided that no life force on the face of this planet was capable of stealing this opportunity from me so I went ahead and forged my mom's signature, filled in all the necessary paper work and returned the forms to my new favorite teacher, Ms. Waites. How in the world Ms. Waites accepted it at face value is beyond me but I imagine she looked the other way due to my zeal. Maybe she was desperate for students? Who cares?
This is the best part of the story..
The day comes to get our instrument assignments and, of course, I draw the short straw of the lot. Everyone else had taken Strings before so they knew which instruments were in disrepair and they called dibs on the good ones. I was too slow, naive, and inexperienced to understand the ways of humans so I took the instrument handed to me with wide eyes and a smile. The other kids took it upon themselves to inform me of my violin's condition. I mean, they made damn sure that I knew it was a pile of junk. I was upset and Ms. Waites could tell somehow. Maybe it was my fanciful display of a temper tantrum that tipped her off... I don't know. Who cares?
Ms. Waites instinctively knew, as all great instructors do, what to tell me in order to inspire me. She appealed to my sense of work ethic, pride, and ego with just a phrase. Intuitively she said, "Melissa, if you can make this instrument sing, you can make anything sing." and with that I was pacified and determined in my mission. I told myself that day, "If anyone can make this instrument sing, it will be me." and that's been my motto since childhood. I rely strongly on my own skill and ability, not the instruments, and from that day forward that expression has been like a mantra that I whisper to myself daily.
Its important for us to remember that our tools will only take us so far in life. We must rely on our talents, skills and technical ability to carry us through the task at hand.
 :)

Emergency Procedure

Threw out my personal journals, in total chronicling approximately the past thirteen years of my life. Experiences with drugs, sex, spirituality, dreams, and loss that were integral to my spiritual, emotional, and psychological growth are all gone.
A strange dream, not yet analyzed:
I'm heavily pregnant at a music event when I collapse, and an ambulance is called for me. As I arrive at the hospital my doctor approaches me with my information, and asks permission for surgery.
 The infant was delivered via emergency cesarean, as my life was in danger. My doctor assured me it was necessary, and I would be alright after the hysterectomy. I seemed un-phased by the loss of my sexual and reproductive organs. My womb was empty, no baby, no organs, and yet left the hospital to search for two possible fathers at the outdoor concert. I urged them both to hurry back to the hospital; additionally, I mentioned that my surgery was incomplete, and I needed to heal. As we arrive at the hospital, my drugs are wearing off, and I notice how unsanitary and contaminated the hospital beds are. The walls are dirty, floors covered in stained rags, there is exposed metal, wires, and crawl spaces throughout the hospital. Paternity and medical background checks for both men, they are more than agreeable.
Instruments were still inside me, and I could feel a hunk of metal inside my pelvis. I search the hospital for my surgeon in an attempt to complete the procedure and remove the re-tractors that are holding my remaining organs in place. A man approaches me in the hospital, and I could sense he was a sinister and wicked man. He attempted to sexually assault me, but instead of fighting him, I spoke to him calmly. I told him that he could try to rape me, but I had no female organs so I was not really a woman. I was just a shell of a woman, and I could potentially die from internal bleeding. It wouldn't be very appetizing, I suggested.
He seemed hesitant, as if he was disgusted by me. I took advantage of his indecision, and attacked him while he had his guard down. I gouged his left eye with my thumbs, then his right, then struck him repeatedly before ripping the left optic nerve from his eye socket, and squished it around in my hand. I felt delightful pleasure at the prospect of doing it again. "This will be fun. Again!" He writhed in pain from the shock and expired slowly. I stood there for a long time contemplating what else I could potentially do. I didn't have time, I had to find the surgeon, complete the surgery, and get back to the pressing issues in my life. I had two men in a heated battle over me and the newborn. Who would win? I did not care in the least, and I remained un-invested.

The Jammin' Professor

Final exams are coming up; I am excited because I have prepared myself ahead of time. I still want to review some stuff for algebra. My jury is on the sixth, which means I have to practice, and focus more on violin. Unfortunately, I concentrate on academics more than music these days. I need to find the right balance.

A vacation is the most exciting prospect for me this winter. I cannot decide where I would like to go, but I know India probably is not feasible. I need to get some rest as soon as possible. I might take a week off with friends just to relax a bit and enjoy myself. I cannot wait until I have something to relay back to friends and family. I have plans to use a new sewing machine I recently inherited this winter, if nothing else. I have not really done any sewing with it, but I am anxious to get to it. Among my priority sewing projects are outfits for deities. I would like to sew a set each for smaller Gaura-Nitai and larger Jagannath Baladev Subhadra deities.

Today I got a compliment back from a peer who said I was always having adventures, and had something interesting to say. I like that. I like having adventures. Adventure suits me. I get into funny, awkward, or just strange situations sometimes. While normally these things might bother me, nowadays I just roll with the punches, go with the flow, and laugh at myself when necessary. Everything is funny when you take your head out of your ass and laugh.

I had a silly dream last night involving my English professor. I was in a frenzy to speak privately with her, but it just was not a good time for her. She told me several times, "Madri, this isn't a good time for me. Can you come during office hours? Make an appointment." and so on. I would not have it though. I demanded "me" time urgently. I followed her into her next class, she sat down, and the professor (not her) started up his boom box, with a personally mixed tape of Mariachi, Banda, and Norteno music. Apparently my professor was taking a course at the college for fun, with this quirky guy at the wheel. The professor was a very tall, handsome, older black man. He was wearing a funny blazer with elbow patches that he promptly removed. He pulled out his drum pad and drumsticks, and started to jam out with the Mexican music while singing along. It was so captivating that I forgot about my urgent ordeal, and listened dumbfounded to the hysterical professor.

Summer Austerity

On Sunday we performed the final last rites ceremony, or tarpan, for Purandar Acharya prabhu's father. Usually, tarpan is celebrated exactly one year after the first shraddha ceremony; the begrieved are obligated to perform tarpan before they can celebrate any joyful rites or rituals in the family. Sundar Gopal prabhu flew in to town to perform the fire sacrifice, but the entire occasion took approximately two weeks' preparation. We had to collect and prepare all the items: ritual paraphernalia, offerings, and ingredients for the concluding pizza party.
Initially we decided that, since it is a private family ritual, we would only invite close friends or relatives. Word spread about the pizza party, however, and many uninvited guests showed up unexpectedly. It must have been Sri Kṛṣṇa's arrangement because some invited guests weren't able to attend. We ended up hosting a much larger party than we planned; more vaisnavara were received and served pizza prasadam.
The fire sacrifice was beautiful; I was very happy and relieved to perform this ritual finally. It signifies that we (extended family) are no longer in mourning, and that we can observe joyful festivals now.  We will have to wait approximately three months before we can do any celebratory samskars due to chaturmas, but hopefully we will have good news to announce soon. I don't want to jinx it so I wait until we are certain.

Educational Aspirations

Today Krishna Chandra and I played MyNoteGames before bed, it's a music app for iPad that we found in the educational category. Anyway, we found out that we are terrible contraltos, somewhat better sopranos, and that Krishna Chandra loves Christmas carols and hymns. The boy needs voice lessons, though, to get over his timidness.
Eventually we abandoned the app for YouTube in order to find more Christmas carols with lyrics so he could follow along. His favorite so far is Silent Night. I hope he continues singing; one day he could be a good bhajan singer because he seems to enjoy spiritual or devotional lyrics most.
On another note, I recently registered for two classes and a musicianship class (which is only one credit hour, but whatever). When I tried registering for the history class I had planned, I noticed it was already full. I am considering taking the same online, which will cut some commuting to and fro', but I'm not sure how I would fare in an online class. Perhaps I am a social creature with a need for personal interaction.
Says the woman who would rather email you than text, text than call, and definitely prefers to call than see you in person. If all else fails, and you didn't return my voicemail. Maybe the online course will suit me just fine. And remember, I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty. 

Nothing To It

Today I finally checked my Intense Debate account and moderated the one comment in my moderation folder. One, single, lonely comment. How sad. Can you hear the crickets chirping over there as loudly as they are here? Though my blog views aren't sky-rocketing and I'm not getting a million comments here, I still want to write stuff. It doesn't have to be groundbreaking or introspective or emotionally revealing... blah blah blah. I may have set some precedents here that I'm not necessarily comfortable with all the time. I realise I haven't written anything in a while and there's good reason for it.
Well, I've been trying to get my shit together. Really and truly. So, there isn't any drama or projects or breaking news or tragedy to share but that's a good thing. The most tragic thing that happened to me recently was that I got sick and then my kid got sick. I took him to the doctor and then we had to wait a really long time to fill his prescription. I couldn't remember to take my own medicine, let alone be responsible for another living being. Complete and utter misery, I know.
I need my eyes examed soon. I'm starting classes this spring semester and I'm  ready for this next phase of my life. I'm not jubilant, I mean, it's not gushing out from my every pore but I'm happy with my life. Satisfied. But that's about it... don't ask me specifics about my education because I don't have a damn clue. Don't you dare ask me what I'll study or what majors I'm considering because I'm not even ready to be tied down yet! I'm heading in the general direction of my goal and that's sufficient for now-- Arts. Sciences has too much mathematics for me. Not that I hate Math but I don't LOVE Math. Me and Math aren't gonna get hitched or move in together and have a bunch of rug-rats out of wedlock. Math is more of an acquaintance of mine... we're not even that close anymore. I don't even feel like striking up polite conversation with Math. We just leave each other the hell alone. It's awkward when we see each other and there isn't a third party to act as a social buffer. Especially in lonely corridors. : \
Yep. 

Grhastha Mahatma

Alpana decoration for Karttik/Damodar Month

The other day a reader emailed me about my last post regarding a woman's disappointment in old age. He asked, "Is there anything she could have done differently or is it a matter of perspective?" The answer is yes and no. There's a saying that "Prevention is better than the cure." There isn't anything she could have done differently but she could have thought differently. The spiritual masters advise us to uphold our duties but with a sense of detachment. Her distress and lamentation was the result of expectations and attachment to fruitive work. If she had endeavored without any expectations to be rewarded or attachment to the final results, she would not have anything to lament. This is real self-less service and the path of spiritual advancement. In essence, the scriptures are advising us to donate our time and energy voluntarily and to view our actions in that light. When you give in charity, first off, you give to one who is deserving, you give without expecting a reward or credit and you relinquish emotional attachments. Essentially grhasthas, both male and female, are being guided in an ideal consciousness: to view your life as an opportunity to selflessly serve others, the real goal being attachment to the Supreme Lord and knowledge of the Absolute Truth.

Srila Prabhupada mentions the qualities of a liberated person and the principles he lives by within householder life:

So if you want to find out a mahatma within the society, not as a renounced sannyasi, then these are the symptoms. There are other symptoms. Nunam pramattah kurute vikarma [SB 5.5.4], that we shall describe later on. These are the general symptoms of a mahatma grhastha. He is not interested in this bodily concept of life, or maintaining very opulently his family members, or talking very seriously with persons who are simply materially interested, dehambhara, just to maintain this body. Of course we require to maintain this body. He is not neglectful. There is no question of negligence. He takes care of his children, of his wife, everything, but without any attachment. That is recommended by the Gosvamis. That, anasaktasya visayan yatharham upayunjatah. You give education to your children, that is required. You maintain your wife, that is also required, no negligence, but no attachment at the same time. No attachment, that I shall sacrifice everything for my wife, and children, and home. That is not a mahatma's business, because he knows that he cannot improve the destiny. Everybody has got his body with certain destiny already settled up. That you cannot change. Otherwise everyone is trying to become very rich, very important, there is no scarcity of endeavor, but not that everyone is becoming like that. That is called destiny.

A Woman's Prayer

I want to share a diary entry from my personal journal today. When I wrote it, I had no intention of sharing it with anyone else, it was between me, my conscience and the Lord. It reads like a prayer because that's exactly what it is. It has to do with material existence, particularly the woes of being a woman. About a year ago a mataji came to my home and it sounded like she was lamenting her life. She subtly disclosed her frustration; she felt unwanted because she was now 'old' and no longer a 'productive member' of society. After all those decades of selfless service, she's turned away by family and friends alike. She felt used and lamented her situation, I felt sorrowful and sympathetic but gave her a cold-hearted response instead. I thought, "She needs to hear the truth, maybe this will be a catalyst for spirituality." I simply said one thing, "Mataji, we are the servant of Bhagavan, Sri Krishna, but instead we waste our lives serving ourselves and others, then, when we are no longer productive or useful or desirable  we are discarded and left by the wayside. Worse if you're a woman, you'll serve your husbands, sons, daughters, in-laws, parents, society and to what end? That's why Prabhupada urges us to find the Lord in our youth, practice spirituality, depend only of the Lord. He's the only one who won't turn you away." With those words, Mataji started to cry and tearfully said, "That's a wonderful realization, Madri,  I only wish I had realized that when I was your age. I guess I was just fooling myself, I thought I would be taken care of in my old age and but nobody wants me around."

Sri Nityananda Avadhuta

A Woman's Prayer

 Prabhu, I've wasted my entire youth on attaining respect, reputation, status, vanity, pride, 

serving my senses, indulging in disgusting activities, pursuing sin and sense gratification at all costs.

Now my entire life has passed before me but with no worthy achievements, no pious activities, no spiritual knowledge, everything is in vain. 

You are my only hope now, Prabhu, please rescue me from this miserable, pathetic condition. Once used, discarded and neglected, I'll be of no use to anyone, please accept me before that time. Let me prove that You are not simply my last resort but in reality, You are the Ultimate Shelter. You are all that remains for anyone-- why should I waste my years in vain when I can arrive at the  destination with little effort? Please don't make me learn this lesson the hard way. What is more pathetic than this is to realize the truth when it is already too late! I don't want to burn my years away until I am old and decrepit, serving men and jackals and then fall into despair when I am abandoned by my protectors. 

Your Servant,

Madri 

   

In the end, I think Sri Krishna arranged for this woman to visit my home that fateful day. The Lord wanted to give me a message, His word and promise. For that reason I am thankful, knowing this to be the truth, I surrender myself to the will of the Lord. Only Krishna knows my mind, heart and intentions. May that sweet, lotus-eyed boy be ever gracious to his wayward devotees and bring them safely back to the shelter of His Divine lotus feet.

Sri Nityananda Pada Kamala

Heartache

My heart aches. I'm so terrified it hurts and I don't even know of what I am afraid.

My entire life, I've contented myself with simply admiring the beauty of the ocean's shore. I endeavored to find the ocean in hopes of an escape but waded cautiously on large boulders rather than seal my fate. Now that I behold her infinite beauty, my fears I can't delay. Should I dive in fully and immerse myself or shivering run away?

Fossil Rim Wildlife Park

Today I woke up early, cooked, offered, worshiped my Lordships, had a quick pancake breakfast, packed a picnic lunch, some supplies and left early in the morning toward Glen Rose, Texas listening to kirtan the entire way. It's been my desire to visit this lovely town again for a couple years, mainly for the riverbed fossil digs and it's awesome wildlife park-- Fossil Rim. It's been many years since I went there but I still vividly remember the lovely nature walk, feeding wild animals in close proximity and the sheer adventure of not knowing what you'd dig up next. Picnics, walks through the state park, wading in the river. ::sigh::
 Krishna Chandra is totally in love with the place, I'm even considering a membership. Chandaneswar is excited to visit Dinosaur Valley State Park; next time we plan on rising even earlier and heading straight to the dig and then hit up Fossil Rim after an outdoor picnic to feed the variety of horned creatures. I can wait to visit again! I have photographs of all the exotic, endangered and near-extinct species from all over the world but I'll upload those later.. when I'm feeling more inclined to deal with that. Right now, I need a relaxing shower, sringar, some Bengali padavali tunes and electrolytes because tomorrow is Ekadaśi and I absolutely must recover from today's wildlife excursion. And to wash some of that soft water off of me. : p 

If I don't let you in...

If I don't let you in....


it's not because I don't like you.
it's not because I don't trust you.
it's not because I don't respect you.
it's not because I don't want your friendship
it's not because you're not worth my time.
it's not because I think I could do better.
it's not because I think you're beneath me.
it's not because I think it's waste of energy.


It's all of the above. 



I don't like you. 
I don't trust you. 
I don't respect you. 
I don't want your friendship because
You're not worth my time.
I could do much better.
You're beneath me and
a waste of energy. 


 I bet you guys thought I was going to say some idiotic pseudo-inspirational, "It's not you it's me/I'm afraid of showing you the real me." self-conscious, emo-bull. Well, no, as a matter of fact I'm in the mood for validating my reasons and genuine feelings. So, in that sense I guess it is a little 'emo'. In all seriousness, though, I don't have time for certain things lately. I've cut back on a lot of indulgences and honestly, I didn't think I'd be able to sacrifice so much. I have a desire to serve more, read and write my devotional feelings. Krishna Consciousness is hard. Really. You have to push yourself constantly or you don't grow. You fall stagnant and lazy and dull. DULL. I heard someone say once that the body can endure all kinds of conditions, you just have to push yourself. It's a matter of conquering the mind and I believe Krishna Consciousness is exactly the same. We don't push ourselves. We're lazy and dull-headed. Some even more than others.
I don't mind if you share this rant but please link back to my blog. Busy day today, that's all I have time for this entry. Sorry, everyone, I haven't been keeping up with the blog and I apologize sincerely. I will try and transfer some of my personal journal entries into the blog so you know what I've been thinking and writing lately. They're mostly prayers and stuff like that but it's appropriate for this blog so I'll go ahead and bring it in. Hare Krishna, yo.

Up, Up and Away

Today I've started working a new project for the winter season. I figured that if I started them now I'll have them finished by next week or week after in time for the cold and rainy season. Also, I've been knit stitching a scarf for my husband but it's taking a long time, as scarves tend to do, and he's asked me to give up on it. I think I have a better chance of just half double crocheting a scarf all the way and making it bulky using double strands. We'll see. In the meantime, I'm going to work on my sock skills. Knee socks are next on my to-do list.  The tunisian-broomstick lace scarf is kinda almost finished, I haven't worked on her since last week. Probably. I think. I'll try and get in a few rows today. God I hate the material body, I can only crochet so much in a day before my hands get tired or stiff and I have to remember to drink and eat at the appropriate times, go to the bathroom, wrist exercises etc. Why is it such a hassle to maintain the body? Why can't it be simple? Anyhow... I have to remember to do these things or my husband will kill me; okay, yell at me and possibly slap me really hard on the face. Okay, he'll just roll his eyes in contempt, but, isn't that exceedingly violent? You have no idea what he puts me through. ::sigh::

I made a dress using Simplicity SewSimple pattern E1988 and a lavender/purple synthetic sari. I want to make my own full slip to use as a lining, though, I won't be able to wear it at the temple or during winter, unless I wear thermal leggings or thigh high leg-warmers too. LEG-WARMERS! I need to put those on my list too along with garter belts to hold them up. Winter is great for crochet and knit projects, you can get really creative. Summer and spring is nice too, bikinis, beach bags, sun-hats, ahhh. I'll remember to photograph my projects so you can see what progress I've made so far.

Today I forgot to do my pranayam/yoga in the morning, well, actually I was a little rushed. I didn't wake up until six am and got into the shower late. I needed to prep the offerings, bathe, dress and decorate the Deities with about half an hour left before Krishna Chandra woke up. Luckily he woke up late too, everything else was on time but I had to sacrifice my yoga until after shopping this morning. I feel better now, I did bhastrika, agnisarkriya and anulom vilom but no yoga or stretches but I think I can get it in this afternoon. I'll just turn on a DVD and get it done before I flip out and murder someone again. Don't ask. Okay he was a fly but he was really pissing me off, I was trying to finish my drink and watch a movie but he kept interrupting with his buzzing.

Yesterday I was feeling anti-social and lonely and down and moody etc so I pushed myself out of my shell and tried to socialize with humans a little bit but didn't help much, eh. Whatever. I still feel a little bit of the blues coming on but I figured that if I listen to enough White Album, maybe it will pass. No? It'll cause instances of madness and even homicidal rage?
Okay, Eagles it is, I guess.
I gotta split. No, that would be painful!

Feel More, Write Less

I'm want to change my attitudes about writing, speech and expression in general so I'm trying a new exercise. With this exercise, I'm trying to accomplish expression without too many words. I hope I'm communicating myself better, and, eventually own my power of speech. If this sounds a lot like affirmations, its because it is. I got this idea from an Oprah episode I watched last night. Okay, I watched about five minutes but I think I got the gist of it all. Things I want to talk about today are:

• juice- I'm still juicing and improving my eating habits. For my Karttik vow, I want to conquer my lust for food, control my tongue and abstain from unhealthy foods. I'm exercising my self-control, will power and engaging in this small austerity in hopes of attaining clarity and fortitude.  
• jewelry- I removed most of my jewelry today which consist mainly of astrological gemstones and "status" ornaments. I realised how attached I am to status, beauty and opulence, in the case of astrological gems. For this month, I will not rely on gems and jewelry; I will own my own glamour, elegance and status with simplicity and grace. With this exercise I plan to gain control over my pride and false ego by remembering all opulence is rightful property of Bhagavan and Sri Hari removes all obstacles and encumbrances. 
• pranayam- I'm practicing five minutes morning and evening daily in order to strengthen and pacify the mind. With this exercise, I gain control over my own self and my mind becomes my most loyal friend and confidant.

With all the austeries this month, you may notice a lot of change. I'm in the middle of a transition right now, I'm changing my identity and views about myself among other things. I will take my time to find myself and would appreciate your patience and support. The affirmations are a tool I use to help me through this metamorphosis but my primary source of power come from mantra meditation, pranayam and other spiritual fountains. If you want to know more, just ask. Hare Krishna.

Mercy Killing

Again this morning I'm struggling with my mind and thoughts of suicide. The other day, yesterday actually, I found an old letter from Catherine Linebarger, as if by instinct, and the contents brought me to tears. Its dated 11.27.00, from almost eleven years ago and still going strong! I've reprinted it here with the authors permission for you. I hope it lends the reader love and light as it has done for me throughout the years, giving me strength to continue the fight.

Melissa,                                                                                                      11.27.00

This is your best friend Kat. You know you love me =). I never tell you how much you mean to me but you mean a lot. I always worry about you. I don't know why. You are the first person I have truly been afraid for. I know your life isn't the best but there is a reason God put you with those people. I really care about you and it scares me when you talk about suicide. Even if you don't mean it, the thought is in your head too much for it to be a joke. I always pray for you. I don't understand what you believe only that you know God is there. I accept whoever you are and you are a great person who seems to confuse me the more I get to know you. I will never know who you really are; you have so many sides. I don't mind. Your friendship is worth the time it takes to get to know you. The Real you. =)

♥† -Kat-

I've been wrestling with my depression and feelings of hopelessness for twenty years, on my own with no therapy or drugs (to speak of) and still to this day its a battle that is increasingly tough to fight.  Every time I spiral downward it seems I grow weaker and my situation becomes more hopeless. With each battle I grow more but I'm also thoroughly exhausted and left with little, if any, will to continue the fight. Each moment further deteriorates my defenses and I find myself praying and begging for a sudden death. "Please Lord, take me out of my misery, please euthanize me."

As much as I dwell on death or suicide, I can't go through with it, not now at least. Over the years I have concluded that I'm too much of a coward to go through with it anyway. Right now I have my dear husband and sweet son to care for, without them I have no life, no friends, no love to speak of. I pray for mental relief and strength to control the mind. Patience, strength, time. I know this spell will pass eventually; given its temporary nature, everything in the material existence, matter and subtle matter alike dissipate into Eternal Time. Until then, I acknowledge Śri Krishna as the only Eternal and Complete Truth and therefore my only shelter-- so, I simply beg the Lord to release me from my miserable condition, somehow or other. This body is a burden, growing more tired, weak and restless everyday. It  would be a mercy killing, after all. I take shelter and remember this verse, speaking directly to my mind and soul, I beg them to accept virtuous truth:

vaco vegam manasa-krodha vegam

jihwa vegam udaropastha vegam

etan vegan yo visaheta dhirah

sarvam apinam prithivim sa sishyat

Whomever can control the urges of speech, mind, anger, tongue, belly and gentials can establish disciples all over the world (conquer the world). -Srila Rupa Goswami

Shady Devotion

Be fore-warned: the following entry is not for everyone, it contains material that is for mature spiritual aspirants, who understand topics of sambandha, the many spectrums of vaisnavas, their sub-categories and gradings more deeply. If you're not sure what they are, please close your browser now.

For the past several days my mind has been disturbed and somehow, being sharp as he is, my husband immediately took notice (that's me being sarcastic and cynical) After about a week of irritability and mental anxiety he finally asked me, a couple days back, "What's wrong, why are you so upset? What's going on in your mind, why is your mind so disturbed?" but I couldn't or wouldn't answer him.

Today morning I finally asked him a question regarding spiritual life, I guess it was more of a statement or affirmation than an actual question. In reality, I was just setting myself up for disappointment because there was no way he could read my mind or fully understand my heart. We were discussing something that I recently read; it didn't bother me then but given a few days to stew in the ole brain, I fully understood the conclusion. I am not a true devotee of Krishna, according to the scriptures and guidelines of Vaishnava behavior, consciousness and other symptoms I'm a shadow devotee. I practice some form of Vaishnavism, vaisnava-ābhasa meaning, I worship Krishna and accept Him as the Supreme Lord but maintain superficial attachment; I have ulterior motives, the real goal behind my surrender and worship is relief from material anxiety, suffering and bondage. Compromised intentions. According to the more detailed explanations of Jaiva Dharma I'm not a complete hopeless case, whatever little trace of bhakti and shraddha I have are my redeeming grace. For that reason, I'm still technically accepted as a vaisnava but barely, hanging by a thread, because I'm easily deviated by bad company.

I can be eventually elevated from chāyā-bhakti-abhāsa but only after I give up misconceptions and have a steady grasp of sambandha-jñana. Right now, I'm just wondering when and how I'll finally have true love for the Lord, untainted attachment and love for chanting, pure emotion. In the end, I opened up a little bit to my husband, hoping maybe he could relieve my anxiety. My hope lies within the mercy of a madhyama-adhikārī who can guide my steps towards untainted devotion. Stripped of all false hopes, my only remaining prayer is to the swanlike soul, full of compassion for ignorant offenders like myself, to please be merciful upon me. Please help me, prabhu. Where is that extraordinary soul who can dissipate my ignorance and spark within my heart pure, untainted, spontaneous love for the All-Attractive Lord?

Refresh

Do you ever lie awake at night for no apparent reason? I don't know.. but sometimes I do. maybe I'm just going insane. I'm having trouble sleeping at night, thoughts seem to come rushing back to the surface. Tonight I'm haunted by things from my past, things that happened that I thought I could push out of my mind. Some of it is surreal and some of it is so lucid-- its as if the past came back to life. It's almost like I can re-live my experiences again; I see the same sights, hear the same sounds, even feel the same sensations. Maybe its a good thing, to have my memory resurface and gasp for fresh air... refreshed, if you will. It's not like I have a 'refresh' button for my brain and all the contents within but today I'm coming close to spilling the mental-beans. I've spent all these years trying to kill the demons, trying to stifle feelings inside me, hiding them and running away. I would much rather release all those stifled and repressed memories inside me. Unleash the demons inside me. Resuscitate them, nourish them. Ask them how they like their coffee. We have a lot to talk about.

Forevermore

Warning: If you have sensitive ears, I suggest you navigate away from this page because there will be some profanity. Maybe a little, maybe a lot-- no guarantees, so just walk away from the situation if you can't handle it.

Today I had another temper tantrum for the first time in what seems like weeks. I realised that although I've done a good job of keeping my moodswings and depression under wraps for nearly two weeks, I still have a lot of anger and bitterness that is just boiling underneath the surface. I realised as well that, while I am working to control my emotions and make progress in my life, there is some part of my soul deep down inside that will be deeply wounded, forevermore.

Sometimes 'devotees' pretend to be concerned about me and say stupid things like, "You never smile... why don't you smile anymore?" or "You have a lot of anger in you. You seem like you're a very angry person." Great! Did you figure that shit out all by yourself? Maybe I seeem angry or depressed or bitter because I am angry and depressed and bitter. Maybe I don't smile because the Dallas community has sucked all the enthusiasm out of me and crushed every tiny bit of my spirit. Perhaps I'm angry because I can't stand being judged or criticised or treated like a piece of shit all the goddamn time. When you need something its all, "Hey! Haribol! Jaya Prabhupada!" but when I'm of no use, nobody talks to me, no 'Haribols' no 'How are you?' no 'Hey Madri', instead I get ignored and avoided by everyone. When I first came to Radha Kalachandji Dham, I was still a wide-eyed young brahmacarini, eager to serve Vaishnavs and expected nothing in return but instead I was exploited, mistreated, gossiped about and sometimes girls even had the nerve to say mean things about me to my face like, "My parents don't like you because they say you don't follow the rules and regulations." Where the fuck do you get off saying shit like that? And where the fuck do people get off assuming things about my private life that has nothing to do with their own spiritual life? Maybe you should mind your own stupid-ass shitty-person anarthas. Because you have plenty of that shit... trust me... maybe from now on I should just call you on your shit.

Maybe I'm wrong but I recall Srila Rupa Goswami saying something about, "endeavoring with patience, determination and enthusiasm" in devotional service. Well guess what.. I did that and this place has a way of sucking all the love out of bhakti. I just can't do it anymore.. so no, don't pretend to give a fuck about the goings-on in my life because I know that you don't really give a damn about me or my family or my life. I learned early on that you can't confide in devotees because real devotees don't exist. The ones that pass as devotees in Kali-yuga are envious, full of negativity, judgemental, will misguide you and give you shitty advice instead of offering practical solutions. Even if you tell someone that you have suicidal thoughts or tendencies, with very little concern for your life and emotional state they will advise you to, "Just chant Hare Krishna." What the hell kind of stupid advice is that? Chanting Hare Krishna will magically make all my problems disappear? Hmm... it sounds like a bunch of bullshit excuses to me, much like what a drug-addict uses to avoid their problems; they simply preoccupy themselves to avoid facing reality, "Here, just take some opiates to help you forget that your life is screwed up and not how you wanted it to turn out, its a temporary fix but nevermind that [for now]."

Bhakta Fly

Okay, I know I promised you an interesting tale last week so here I am again to narrate to you the glorious passing of Sriman Bhakta-fly, at least, I assume it was a male... for the sake of this story let us all assume it was so.

On the morning of Sunday August 8th, 2010, Chandaneswar prabhu and I were doing our daily Deity puja together. He was busying himself bathing and decorating Their Lordships with sweet scented sandalwood paste, carefully drawing designs on Their bodies when he noticed a strange mark upon the body of Lord Nitai. He called out for me, "Madri, quickly bring a tissue or napkin, hurry!" I ran to him with a paper napkin in hand, thinking that maybe a poisonous spider was spotted somewhere but when I arrived Chandaneswar prabhu declared it was too late, "Oh, Krishna!" he gasped. "Too late for what? What happened? Prabhu, what's going on, tell me what happened!" "I don't know, Madri. I don't know what I put in that chandan or what..." he trailed off and quietly said, "It was the strangest thing." Chandaneswar prabhu quickly explained away what happened. My heart began to race because I knew nothing to startle him the way this did.

A fly, a regular old fly, landed on Sri Sri Pancha Tattva's photo, specifically on Sri Nitai. He gazed at the body of Lord Nitai for some time before my husband realised it was a fly and called for a napkin, in the commotion the fly remained still and wouldn't move from that spot. Chandaneswar prabhu was infuriated because the fly then began to devour the freshly painted sandalwood paste from Lord Nitai's body as I was arriving. Prabhu, in his anger, attempted to kill him but the fly fell down unconscious from the photo right into the napkin in the palm of his hand, dead! My husband repeatedly declared his innocence, "I didn't touch him! I just barely, barely grazed him with the tissue and he fell right in! Look, Madri, just look!" Then, realizing his mistake, Chandaneswar prabhu corrected himself, "I don't know what happened. Oh Krishna! I thought this fly was committing an aparadha so I tried to kill him but he was just trying to go back to Godhead, he was preparing to leave his body. He must be a devotee of the Lord, otherwise, how is it possible? He came and sat there staring at Sri Nitai for a long time, not moving at all, then, he left his body after honoring all of the Lord's maha-prasad. He just ate all the chandan and died before I could lay a hand on him. His body is intact, bring your camera and take a photo! Quickly, you should tell this story in your blogs. Look, how is the devotee of the Lord! We never know who is a devotee of Krishna. "

If you look closely, you will notice that the tissue has no wrinkles in it, his body remains intact, unharmed or damaged in any way. He simply collapsed, fell unconscious into the palm of prabhu's hand, his limbs drawn close into his body!

As the details of Sriman Bhakta fly's passing came into light, I became bewildered by his steadfastness. He must've known he was in danger of being killed but he remained still and took a long darshan, carefully honored the sandalwood paste from the Lord's own body and fell unconscious. I began to pray that I would also be able to remain steadfast, show no fear or concern for external circumstances, and remain fixed on Hari to the very end of my life. Chandaneswar prabhu asked me to bury the fly somewhere close to Srimati Tulasi Maharani. I buried him under a tree in the front yard, where he would be able to take darshan of Srimati Tulasi devi easily.

Diary Entry for Today

Today, Chandaneswar prabhu is cooking for Lord Kalachandji at the temple (Kamala Lochan mataji and Anjana Suta prabhu have filled in for him this past week) while Krishna Chandra and I spend time at the park. Loitering and lounging around. My muscles are still really sore from Monday's blissful program with Srila Lokanath Maharaj so I'm working to move the stiffness out of my joints by pressing the calf muscles against the bench. Some stiffness has subsided but there is still some pain. My wrist is also bothering me, it feels stiff and hard to control sometimes even shaky or spasmy ( I know that is not a real word). I spoke to Charles today and it felt nice to talk to someone , I've been so alone and afraid these past few months, meh... years. I didn't want to open up anymore because I was tired of being neglected and rejected all these years so I just stopped bothering and let it all build up inside. I've been thinking about taking my own life more and more often recently. That has been on my mind since I was just a little girl but I remember there was a ten year period in my life when it dissipated almost completely and I continued my life as 'normal' resuming the 'normal' activities of a teenager until one day life again became vapid and bland. Now, at twenty-five years of age, I've come to the realization that again I'm dissatisfied with my life. There is a deep, pervasive loneliness to the ethos of my existence. The atmosphere is always fresh, full of brightness, enticing and enchanting flavors and aromas around me but to what use is it all if there is no one to share it with? I still feel isolated and alone.
Strangely enough, Life has new flavor and color all around, I don't know if anyone else can sense it, if this is my vivid imagination or if Material Nature is having some kind of renaissance but I can perceive it well. Trees are brighter, greener, livelier, sounds are more distinct and Mother Nature seems to be breathing again. Even buildings have more texture, depth and the Earth on a whole seems to be illuminated before my very eyes. It is, as if the whole of matter has taken on another dimension, instead of plain old 3D Life is again in 4D....

Now that I've experienced it I feel like I can retire this useless, worthless body.