Drowning in the Ocean of Material Existence

My offering to Srila Rtadhavaj Swami on the occassion of his Vyasa Puja:

শ্রী-রূপ-মঞ্জরী-পদ, সেই মোর সম্পদ,

সেই মোর ভজন-পূজন

সেই মোর প্রাণ-ধন, সেই মোর আভরণ,

সেই মোর জীবনের জীবন

To my beloved Spiritual Masters,

I am drowning in the ocean of material existence. I have to take a moment to let that sink in and remind myself of this harsh reality.
As a child, I didn't have many playmates or friends. As a result, I often imagined or fantasized. Many times, I would daydream about happy moments with my only friend, my imaginary friend. At night I cried myself to sleep and begged the Lord to make my wish come true. "Please, my Sweet Lord, please let me be Your friend. I have no companion except for You. Please be my friend."
As a five or six-year old child, I never imagined that I would one day encounter a rich theology and practice that accepted and encouraged this type of relationship with the Almighty. It certainly seemed strange to my immediate relatives so I kept my yearnings secret and hidden.
Lacking friends, I imagined that the Lord Himself would befriend me, but I knew it was only possible in the hereafter. I imagined that we would play leapfrog, frolic in the grass, climb trees, catch crickets and go for a swim in the creeks. I would never be tired or unhappy as long as I was in the company of my Best Friend. He would be my eternal companion.
Lacking guidance and proper counsel, I prayed, hoped and fantasized about a perfectly wise and benevolent soul to mentor and guide me. I begged the Lord to reveal that person, that perfect sage and ever well-wisher to my material eyes. I hoped that I wouldn't have to wait until the afterlife to meet him.
Some nights, as I knelt before my altar and prayed before an image of the Guardian Angel, I felt or heard a reassuring voice that soothed my heart and alleviated my distress. "You will see me." and "I will meet with you face to face."

Even in my wildest imaginations I never thought that the entity I simplistically identified as the Guardian Angel or the Holy Spirit would manifest or reveal himself in my lifetime. I was broken and shattered inside for many years and my faith gradually dwindled. What were the chances that, if such a perfected  being existed, the Lord would reveal that person to me and grant me the opportunity to associate with him personally?
The Lord works in mysterious ways, they say. In order to shatter my doubts and reestablish my faith, the Lord not only revealed His most confidential servant, the jagat-guru, Srila Prabhupada, He also revealed His confidential pastimes, Names, instructions, and associates to me.

I am now confident that I will one day play with Krishna. It shall one day come to pass. It may take millions of births but I am certain of this truth for only one reason: it is certain because the Lord has revealed to me the many splendorous manifestations of Sri Guru. I have seen them and met them face to face.
And so it happens that I am no longer drowning the ocean of material existence. I am frolicking happily in the forest of Braj hand in hand with Krishna-- it is solely a matter of time.

Christmas Prayers

Today is Christmas day- the day celebrated as Jesus Christ's appearance day- so there was a festival program at the temple for Sri Sri Radha Kalachandji; though I didn't attend personally, I was in the pujari room and witnessed the abundance of gifts received by the Deities and Srila Prabhupada first hand on this momentous occasion. There were pressure cookers, food processors, juicers, towels, and all kinds of kitchen and worship paraphernalia piled on top of each other. It was nice to see the spirit of charity alive in Krishna Consciousness. Sometimes we hear people say, "Give to a good cause. This is for a good cause. etc." but only when we engage our mind, body and hearts in the service of the Supreme Lord, Sri Krishna, do we really support a good cause--our spiritual cause. Without God and a God-conscious society, every good cause will go on in vain without knowledge of the True Self and the spiritual reality, Sri Goloka Dham, every endeavor is simply a waste of valuable time and energy. Rather than pray for material enjoyment, I'd like to pray for my Self in hopes that I will one day make some spiritual advancement. Sri Caitanya Mahaprabhu indiscriminately gives away prema-bhakti, pure Love of Godhead to anyone... regardless of age, race, gender, background or creed simply out of compassion for the fallen souls of this Age. So I pray for the Mercy of the Two Transcendental Brothers, Bringers of the Holy Name,
"Please, My Lord Gauranga! Oh Son of Sachi, please engage me in chanting the Holy Name of Lord Krishna! Allow me to taste the nectar of Sri Hari Nam and uninhibitedly delve into that ocean of transcendental sweet ambrosia. Oh Thakur! When will I cry joyfully in ecstasy and develop symptoms of prema within my body after simply uttering the words, 'Nitai! Gaura! Gauranga!'? "
Touching the feet of the Vaishnavs, I pray that you will offer me your blessings and make my prayers come true, it is my only solace in Life.
Also, if you would like to similarly pray for pure love of Godhead, there is a beautiful bhajan/poem by Srila Narottam das Thakur called 'Gauranga bolite habe'.  

Diary Entries from India

Sunday October 10, 2010
I just arrived from the market where i procure several items. A craft blade (X-acto knife), pen, notebook, sweetened yogurt, two blouses, three saris, soap, face-wash, tape measure. I intend to keep short record of all items purchased. I need to purchase a small calculator in order to carefully count to the tenths and hundredths of a dollar. Is it really necessary? Yes, because 45 rupees is equal to a dollar and almost everything around here costs less than that, beggars ask for a single rupee coin which is equal to .02222 of a dollar, so, you figure it out. I was incredibly depressed upon arriving in Dhubulia and decided to go out in order to avoid awkwardness at home with my in-laws. Madri out.

Monday October 11, 2010
Today I washed all my clothing including the crocheted mitts I'm using for practicing drum. Biswanath (Dada from here on in) says he will find if there is any violin shop or teacher nearby for me. I hope I can find a good violin here so I can play something. (I should have just brought my instrument from Dallas with me) Yesterdays's blouses fit well, I'm happy for that. Today I'm hoping to get some organizing done, we're planning to go to Krishna-nagar tomorrow. Dada is in a bind to procure a mechanic for the car, it has now become a financial burden-- I'm not sure if I can help or now. Chandaneśwar prabhu has advised me to keep whatever Lakshmi I have to myself, he will wire funds for Dada possibly tomorrow afternoon. Madri out.

Tuesday October 12, 2010
Today after a late breakfast, a gentleman by the name of Gopal came to the house unexpectedly. Later I found out that this man is a friend of Chandaneśwar prabhu; he is a sadhu and an adept palm reader/astrologer. I asked if he would read my palm (I'm very curious and attached to palmistry and astrology). He said that my Jupiter, Mercury, Venus and Moon were very good right now. Rahu, ketu and Mars are not good, that they were causing mental distress, worry and anger ( I couldn't have agreed more) and so he recommended I wear a garnet. I acquired a garnet for myself, a ruby for mom and moonstone for Krishna Chandra. I will get the stones checked for quality then pay for the stones when prabhu sends me more money. Today we are going to Krishnanagar, I intend to purchase slips and blouses for my fancy saris, natural sindhur (kumkum) and gold. dada says he found violin shops in Tollygung, he will go and find out more soon. Madri out.☺

Tuesday October 19th, 2010 Ekadasi
Today we are taking a daytrip to Mayapur. I plan to purchase some items but just check the price for a ticket change. I have 800 USD and 2660 RS, hopefully I can change the ticket so KC and I can head home. Babai gave Krishna Chandra grains this morning because KC said he was hungry, I realise that even despite the fact that we planned to go to Mayapur specifically to have lunch prasad on Ekadasi, still Babai is careless about observing fasts or even respecting my wishes. He said he didn't know it was Ekadasi even after we cancelled yesterday's trip to Mayapur after hearing that there was no Ekadasi (our calendar was wrong) and rescheduled for today. Either he totally forgot, deliberately ignored or just didn't care a damn bit about it. I've managed to keep KC observing the fast days since he was born, I wanted him to develop a habit of preparing and honoring annukalpa on the proper fasting days. That includes the Appearance days of Vishnu tattva. We have followed all fasts very strictly until now (only by the Lord's mercy). I wanted to fast again tomorrow for Krishna Chandra  but Chandaneśwar prabhu said that since he's still a kid, we can just let it pass. What bothers me more is that he's developed a habit of eating outside food and snacks here which I fear he won't break upon going back home. He asks for junk food that we never allow him at home simply because he knows that he can easily manipulate the other male family members and they allow themselves to be easily manipulated! It is, after all, the easiest and laziest option-- no cooking or headache. How very convenient for everyone!

Monday November 1st 2010 Today we are venturing off to the big city in search for treasure. I plan to purchase a harmonium, a violin and any thing extra things I may see. New Market has vegetables that are hard to find here.. Hopefully I can get them there. Avocados here I come! (I managed to bring that harmonium to USA! No violins in India, all firewood. )

Monday November 15th 2010 Jagaddhatri Puja
Today I offered a special puja to Goddess Jagaddhatri on the occasion of Krishna Chandra's birthday also on the same day. I spent the entire afternoon helping out and photographing the pujo pandal. After some time Dada came for me with Krishna Chandra, they took darshan and we headed home with a plate of prasad from Ma Jagaddhatri. The goddess was stunningly beautiful and sweet. I was very amazed and in awe during her arati-kirtan that I was again drawn to Her and started recording the ceremony. The whole place was in-fumigated with the fragrant aroma of frankincense , coconut skins and incense blends. Whatever sinful parasites dwelled within my heart have been vanquished during it; now, the intoxicating fumes have dissipated into thin air but the peace and happiness it brought on my soul has found a fertile ground upon which to take root deep within my heart. I love the Goddess and I pray for her love and eternal blessings. (Jagaddhatri is benevolent form of Durga offering blessings.)

January 13,2011 I've spent the past few days at Mana's home, yesterday I came back to Pampa's house on the pretext of preparing for Prabhu's arrival. In reality though, I was afraid of falling ill again and anxious to return to Pampa's house. Though I enjoy staying with Mana more than Pampa, the reality is that I'm falling ill every other day and the facilities there are very austere, no bathroom and a concrete outdoor latrine; this wouldn't be such a problem I guess were it not for the freezing nightly temperatures. The night before last I had gas, nausea and finally severe dysentery. I must have used the toilet at least six or seven times during the night; when I visited the doctor in the morning he alerted me that my BP was very low and prescribed homeopathic remedies. I drank homemade saline, about two litres worth, throughout the day to re-hydrate myself. I've arrived to the conclusion that the culprit is undigested food. I've also gone straight to bed after eating which has unsettled my stomach. I'm going to try to improve my eating habits (not overeat) and give my body plenty of exercise and rest at the proper times. Chandaneśwar prabhu is finally coming to India. He leaves Dallas on the 23rd and will arrive on the next day or so in India. I'm so incredibly stunned that the information cannot fully digest into my brain. Usually I dissolve info and process it rapidly and so I have the advantage  of thinking ahead while others can not plan ahead and make changes in plans so quickly. For example, the day before leaving for Kolkata I asked Biswanath-da if his wife was planning to come along and he replied "No, she has no business there." However, the next morning she simply sat in the car and tagged along anyhow. Realizing this was her way of trying to squeeze out my last dime, I avoided going out to eat or shopping (even if she offers, she'll stick me with the bill) and called Minu-di ahead of time to cook for us. As expected, she asked several times if we were planning to eat at Lakshmi Narayan Mandir (they have a nice vegetarian canteen) while at the dentist's office. I simply laughed after hearing how mom handled the situation. She simply pinned the blame on me saying, "Meli says no, I asked her if she would go and she wants to eat at Minu-di's home instead." This shut her up for good as she didn't bring it up anymore. I applauded her boldness and quick-thinking, mother is quiet the adept politician. What's more interesting is how Didi didn't feel like sticking around Kolkata suddenly... maybe it has to do with the fact that I refused to take her shopping again. I found a nice bhajan singer, he's on television; actually, I think he's one of the descendants of the Goswamis. There is a backdrop of Banke-bihariji in the background. He's definitely one Brajwasi, he wears the red colored tilak on his forehead and he sings so beautifully.

I've been talking to Prabhu for the past hour or so about our friends family problems(names and details are left out for privacy purposes) Finally we don't know how to handle the situation, we can only pray that Krishna brings them back together. Chandaneśwar prabhu was practically crying on the phone. He says that Prabhu wants to return to Dallas but Mataji doesn't want to live with him anymore. We discussed maybe having Prabhu move in with us for sometime until he and his wife work things out and he gets a job here and gets back on his feet. The problem is discretion, Mataji doesn't want her family problems to leak out within the community.  (If Prabhu moves in with us everyone will know something is up and their personal life will be under the microscope of the community devotees, I really hate it how everyone takes sides and points the finger) The final response from her was that she'd rather leave the house and move elsewhere than live with him and be completely miserable. This situation is so sticky that I'm afraid of sticking my finger in it altogether. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

Saturday Janurary 15th, 2011
Today I spoke to Chandaneśwar and I was upset by something he said. Later I felt so enraged that I started crying. He told me that his brother knows he's arriving in India because he already told him several days ago or something to that effect. (Dada and I had a huge fight btw) When I asked prabhu why he told them that he was coming, he said that they simply nagged him until he finally said, "Yes I'm coming at this time.. etc.." in frustration only. This was much before he had confirmed his ticket or told me! What angers me is that he didn't confirm his plans with me until just two days ago but he already told them even after I asked him to avoid contact with his brother and sister-in-law. Why does he give a damn about them? I've been begging him for weeks but he wouldn't assure me of anything, he just left me out in the cold.(and struggling on my own in India) I was infuriated beyond what human words could ever possibly convey... I simply didn't want to speak to him. Still I'm upset but he's given me an apology and asked my forgiveness. I feel like opening up a bottle of liquor and drowning my mind in it.

Thursday March 17th 2011
Today is Śrila Madhavendra Puri Prabhupad's disappearance day, we came to Śantipur for his festival hoping to take prasad. For the past few days my mind is disturbed and I'm easily angered over the smallest trifles. Whenever I read Jaiva Dharma or Prem Pradip I feel peace of mind and absorption in that nectar ocean of transcendental knowledge. Aside from reading, no other activity is satisfying and I feel anxiety whenever I can not find time to read. Today I felt pain in my body, both back and stomach/lower abdomen so I was more upset than usual. I found it hard to associate with others and have anti-social thoughts and inclinations. The best thing today occurred this morning when we went to Bamanpukur. There, Sakhi Shyam prabhu was meeting us and we took him to Śantipur with us. Now we are all head to Krishnanagar to bank, and open a new account for Purandar prabhu. Hopefully the account will be opened successfully otherwise I'll have to open another in Chandaneśwar prabhus name instead.

Sri Bhaktivinoda-The Supremely Nectarean Kamala-mañjari

Well, sorry I haven't written in a few days, not that it matters because there is nothing of significance to note. The Elise shawl is coming along, the multiple-personality scarf as well, she's a good 36" long now; I have not been working as much as I would like but whatever crocheting time I get is quality time spent with this piece. I'm excited- another ten inches or so and she'll be complete. The Elise shawl is something that will probably take many months, maybe over a year, if I work it a few rows a day. Due to the expanding design of the pattern, each row will take more time to crochet than the previous one, so it is hard (for me) to calculate how much time I need to complete this piece. I am thinking about selling my crochet work, though I'm not a professional crocheter or anything, I think someone will appreciate my work and like to buy. If you know anyone, send them to my blog so they can browse my pictures.
On other news, I have been re-reading Nectar of Devotion along with the original Bengali version and other stuff I have found online and in my Gurudev's library. I found a book about George Harrison in there along with Ayurveda and natural cures books so I'm working my way through these along with Jaiva Dharma (the one that challenges me every moment) and Sri Bhaktivinod Vani Vaibhav. I need to finish this one soon because I'd borrowed it from a friend and I'm sure he wants it back. :) I have this habit of perusing books over and over, dissecting each chapter into paragraphs and even smaller paragraph portions until I completely "get it". Srila Bhaktivinod Thakur's writings are really deep and therefore, hard for an ass like me to fully absorb. But, I'm stubborn and determined to understand. Krishna and the Vaishnavas bless me. 

Shady Devotion

Be fore-warned: the following entry is not for everyone, it contains material that is for mature spiritual aspirants, who understand topics of sambandha, the many spectrums of vaisnavas, their sub-categories and gradings more deeply. If you're not sure what they are, please close your browser now.

For the past several days my mind has been disturbed and somehow, being sharp as he is, my husband immediately took notice (that's me being sarcastic and cynical) After about a week of irritability and mental anxiety he finally asked me, a couple days back, "What's wrong, why are you so upset? What's going on in your mind, why is your mind so disturbed?" but I couldn't or wouldn't answer him.

Today morning I finally asked him a question regarding spiritual life, I guess it was more of a statement or affirmation than an actual question. In reality, I was just setting myself up for disappointment because there was no way he could read my mind or fully understand my heart. We were discussing something that I recently read; it didn't bother me then but given a few days to stew in the ole brain, I fully understood the conclusion. I am not a true devotee of Krishna, according to the scriptures and guidelines of Vaishnava behavior, consciousness and other symptoms I'm a shadow devotee. I practice some form of Vaishnavism, vaisnava-ābhasa meaning, I worship Krishna and accept Him as the Supreme Lord but maintain superficial attachment; I have ulterior motives, the real goal behind my surrender and worship is relief from material anxiety, suffering and bondage. Compromised intentions. According to the more detailed explanations of Jaiva Dharma I'm not a complete hopeless case, whatever little trace of bhakti and shraddha I have are my redeeming grace. For that reason, I'm still technically accepted as a vaisnava but barely, hanging by a thread, because I'm easily deviated by bad company.

I can be eventually elevated from chāyā-bhakti-abhāsa but only after I give up misconceptions and have a steady grasp of sambandha-jñana. Right now, I'm just wondering when and how I'll finally have true love for the Lord, untainted attachment and love for chanting, pure emotion. In the end, I opened up a little bit to my husband, hoping maybe he could relieve my anxiety. My hope lies within the mercy of a madhyama-adhikārī who can guide my steps towards untainted devotion. Stripped of all false hopes, my only remaining prayer is to the swanlike soul, full of compassion for ignorant offenders like myself, to please be merciful upon me. Please help me, prabhu. Where is that extraordinary soul who can dissipate my ignorance and spark within my heart pure, untainted, spontaneous love for the All-Attractive Lord?

Kabe Habe

I just have to update you on the happenings around the house. Just a couple realizations and some advice too, if you want it.

1) Knitting is for losers... I much rather crochet. Learning a new craft is tedious, knitting being the worst of needle crafts, in my opinion. I have to work hard and after only a couple weeks of practicing my wrists are hurting and I have approximately ten inches of knit fabric (in fingering weight wool, no less) I'm thinking to quit while I'm still "ahead" and count my blessings. I still have a several thousand years to prepare for the end of Kali-yuga; hopefully, I'll be in the spiritual oasis or preaching somewhere on another planet when the final curtain drops.

2) I'm finally catching up on my reading and critical thinking, particularly with Sri Bhaktivinoda Vani Vaibhava. While I was wasting my precious energies trying to prepare for the apocalypse, I also fell behind on my reading and writing (and thinking, to some extent). Part of the reason is lack of time management but the other is simple dull-headedness. I have a hard time understanding the full purports of some deeper topics; in order to fully grasp and absorb the information in the darkest recesses of my brain, I read and re-read paragraphs, sometimes entire chapters until it has become downloaded, fully analyzed and comprehended.

3) I'm as frustrated as ever, maybe even more heartbroken than before. When I was in India, I had the luxury of visiting many holy places, temples, saints and associate with them more intimately. This gave me an understanding of pure, unalloyed devotional service, an appreciation and taste for devotees of the highest caliber and, most of all, for this most secret and illusive goal. My wonderful friends in Braj and Gaud mandal are self-evident truths in human form but without them nearby, I feel extreme separation and irreparable damage done to my psyche. I feel debilitated and a pervading feeling of estrangement from my general surroundings. My mind is disturbed now more than ever and I honestly don't know what I will do; it seems there is no practical solution for my current dilemma. Sri Nityananda and Gaura-hari are at the momentmy only solace, refuge and ultimate shelter. The ground trembles and crumbles away while the two munificent brothers remain and pacify my aching heart.

Last, I just want to add, "kabe habe, bolo, se din amar?" and all the lamenting that goes with feeling deprived...

Behaviour of a Disciple

I read this article from BCS Istagosthi and I wanted to share it with others because it really says everything I feel from my heart but can not explain to others. Sometimes people tell me that I'm just introverted and introspective so therefore it is hard for me to make friends with people, even devotees or aspiring devotees as they may be and that somehow is the root of my depression. I know, however, that I'm not "just depressed" my problems are so easily sorted out, telling me that I'm just lonely and depressed doesn't address the actual issue. The only place they make sense is in my heart and mind, when I try to manifest those emotions into words, I feel choked or suffocated, stifled. Still, my heart feels a void, my dreams are unfulfilled and I know its because I have not actually pleased my spiritual master. Hopefully I can move forward from here and with the help and guidance of Sri Guru from within the heart, I will one day achieve my goal of satisfying my Guru and therefore my heart will also be at ease.

In Hari-bhakti-vilasa, verse 2.147, Srila Sanatan Goswami quotes
Sammohana-tantra:

gopayed devatam istam gopayed gurum atmanah
gopayec ca nijam mantram gopayen nija-malikam

One should hide one's ista-deva, one should hide one's guru, one should hide one's mantra, and one should hide one's japa-mala.

Wise persons keep their valuables in a confidential place. Similarly, an intelligent sadhaka does not advertise his or her guru, nor do they broadcast themselves as disciples of their guru. Considering themselves as low, fallen, and unfit to be considered disciples, sincere devotees do not want to advertise who their guru is.

Srila Thakur Bhaktivinode has described that there are two types of disciples, the antarmukha-sisyas and the bahirmukha-sisyas. Antarmukha literally means "inward-facing". It refers to someone who is introspective. Bahirmukha literally means "outward-facing", and refers to someone who is absorbed in external things.

Antarmukha-sisyas are desirous of bringing pleasure to their guru. Their focus is on following the guru's instructions. The antarmukha-sisyas practice gopayed gurum atmanah. They keep their guru and their relationship with him confidential. An antarmukha-sisya is not interested in advertising himself as a disciple of his guru, but prefers to follow the guru's instructions. His meditation is to try to understand what will please his guru. The antarmukha-sisya is anartha-mukta-avastha, he is free from anarthas. His vision of guru is known as sevya-darsana. He sees that guru should be served and pleased.

Bahirmukha-sisyas are disciples who practice the opposite of gopayed gurum atmanah. They are absorbed in advertising their guru and in making a show of themselves as being big or intimate disciples. Such a disciple is also known as guru-giri, or one who makes a business out of guru and one's relationship with guru. They are not absorbed in the inner intention of guru. Srila
Bhaktivinode Thakur has described persons who act on such an external platform as dharmadhvajis ("religion flag-wavers"), meaning those who make a hypocritical or pretentious show of religiosity.

Following the logic of atmavan manyate jagat (everyone thinks like I do), the bahirmukha-sisyas consider that their guru thinks like they do. Because they are motivated by the desires for fame and adoration they think that their guru also wants such things. The bahirmukha-sisyas are
anartha-yukta-avastha, they have anarthas, material desires, in their hearts. Because of those anarthas they only see guru in terms of their own pleasure. This vision is known as bhogya-darsana. They think that making a big show of devotion will impress their guru and enable them to come close to their guru. Their idea of guru-bhakti is to loudly proclaim to the world,
amar guru jagad-guru - "My guru is the best or the only one and any other guru is lesser." They think that such publicizing will please their guru.

For some devotees, pushing their guru is an easy way to avoid facing the reality of their own lack of advancement. They want respect, and they think it is easier for them to get it by broadcasting themselves as a disciple of a great personality than for themselves to manifest the qualities of a
vaisnava. However, this kind of cheating mentality will never attract the attention of saintly persons. They are not impressed with whom we have taken initiation or instructions from. Rather, they want to see what is our own level of realization.

Since such neophytes equate the showing of respect to themselves with the showing of respect to their guru, when they become chastised or fail to receive the honor and recognition they want, they accuse the devotees, "You have offended my guru!" In this way, Kali, the personification of this age of quarrel and hypocrisy, is able to enter the movement of Sri Chaitanya
Mahaprabhu and cause dissension, distracting them from their real business of chanting and distributing the holy names.

So Srila Sanatan Goswami's instruction gopayed gurum atmanah - "One should hide one's guru" - is advising devotees to go deeper in their relationship with guru by basing that relationship on following the instructions about service and bhajan that their guru has given.

Bengali Gunda

Last night I had a very heartfelt conversation with a Bengali gangster. No, it was not real, at least not within the tangible world- it was in a dream I had last night about the power of pure Vaishnavs

This gangster and I happened to meet by chance, somehow I was sent to his gang leader's house where we met and began to have small conversation. He began to ask me where I was from and I answered him very carefully (as you would do when encountered by this kind of dangerous personality). That is not to say that he was intimidating or threatening but I tried to answer him and not provoke his anger.

After telling him that I was a born and bred American he inquired further, captivated by confusion, “Why do you say you’re American but you look and act Bengali, even your dress is Bengali. Do you think I’m stupid?” Realising that my new friend was Bengali and knowledgeable of culture and dress, I explained to him the reason I was dressed like a Bengali. “Yes, I am Bengali actually, I’ve adopted Bengali dress and language so that makes me a Bengali.” He asked me to speak in Bengali with him so I obliged. I respectfully addressed him as my brother and inquired how he was doing. He would question, “Why did you say that you are American when you’re obviously a Bengali. How is it that you’ve adopted Bengali traditions fully even taking to the language?” So I explained to him that I was a devotee of Krishna and in the line of the Gaudiya Vaishnav Sampradaya. He simply stared at me blankly as if he had never heard of any of this before, so I asked him “Dada, what? Haven’t you even heard of the Gaudiya Samproday before? Haven’t you heard of the likes of Srila Bhaktivinod Thakur, the main instigator of Lord Caitanya Mahaprabhu’s cult in the west?” He said sadly, “No, I’ve never heard of him before, who is he? Please tell me more about this man.” So I told him that Srila Bhaktivinod Thakur was a great man and a Bengali devotee who wrote many beautiful songs, he is one of our great Acharyas and teachers, still to this day we sing his songs of devotion. They are all in Bengali so many of us have learned the language that way. I began to sing for him to demonstrate the beauty of his writings and the gangster immediately broke down into tears from the power of Srila Bhaktivinod’s words. “How is it possible that such a wonderful personality has written these kind of sad poems? It is obvious that he is a great Vaishnav but he writes that he is fallen and lamenting his life. He says he has wasted his entire lifetime on worthless and fruitless endeavors. If he thinks he’s fallen, what must I be?” He certainly broke down and began to sob like a child, “What a waste, what a waste, I have spent my life looting and murdering, engaging in criminal and sinful activity of all kind. Please help me get out of this sinful life!” Somehow, his gang leader did not object, as he was hearing the entire conversation and he also had tears in his eyes. He told me to feel free to take his follower and come back anytime to speak hari-katha to him. Thus, two gundas were transformed from criminals and sinners of every kind into devotees and all by the words of Srila Bhakivinod Thakur. It goes to show how powerful one pure devotee of the Lord is even in the midst of the most fallen.

Teaching Sanskrit and Re-learning Bengali

I was reading today, Srila Prabhupada says that the woman's foremost duty is to train the children early to become first class devotees of Krishna. He says they should be diversified and learn little ABCs, take prasadam, chant and see the Deities, play etc. that way they are always engaged by some activities and will be naturally inclined towards devotional life. Right now, Krishna Chandra already knows his ABCs and 123s... but that was really not all my doing. My sister had a bigger part in that, she was sitting with Krishna Chandra and keeping him company while I looked after the house, cooking, cleaning, worshipping the Deities, caring for Tulasi etc. She managed to teach him letters and numbers and I played my small part by regularly quizzing him after his daily lessons. I would point or show random letters and ask him to identify them, usually he was successful but sometimes he would be confused. We realised that his lowercase letters had to be clarified-- Maria quickly tutored him and soon enough, he could tell his lowercase 'L' from his uppercase 'I'. Soon enough he was increasing his speech and speed, we would mention to people that he knew his ABCs and they would seem kind of skeptical. It also didn't help that Krishna Chandra didn't feel enthusiastic to show his talents on the spot, either. That was almost a year ago that we started him first vowels, then consanants, little by little he has learned it all and has it memorized backwards and forwards. Today I started Krishna Chandra on Sanskrit vowels, mainly because I thought that he would grasp Sanskrit easily, he already recites Sanskrit prayers by his own volition and that would be beneficial for him as well. He already insists on doing the evening arati and with a little supervision I let him do it, just to keep him from throwing a tantrum. Usually he likes to sing Brahma Samhita prayers, "govindam adi purusham tam aham bhajami", especially in the early morning. Sometimes he will just sing that one line all day long from morning to evening, but somewhat broken and mis-pronounced. Sometimes he likes to chant "Jaya Jagannath" and when I hear it I really enjoy his kirtan. I think to myself, "Wow, even a child can do it so why not I?" Lately, I have not been in the practice of speaking/reading/writing Bangali and so I also wanted to keep practicing my Bengali. Nowadays a lot of letters have gone unused as they're only used for transcribing Sankrit texts and some people feel its unnecessary to have so many Bengali alphabets and plus there's a whole crap-load of conjunct letters. Those letters shouldn't be forgotten and removed from the Bengali alphabet, it is a very useful part of the Bengali literature and culture. There are so many wonderful renaissance Bengali poets whose works should be studied in universities across the globe. I think there should be a Bengali Language and Literature Major in every major university in the world, that way many people can read the great literary works of Chandidas, Vidyapati, Vrindavana Das Thakur, Krishnadas Kaviraj, and Bhaktivinod Thakur and benefit greatly. It is not just my opinion but the instruction of the acharyas that everyone should learn from Vaishnava literature about topics of Krishna, especially the Bengali literatures. Bangla is such a sweet language, I only regret that I have neglected it for so long and now I have no godbrothers to speak or practice with. Purandar Acharya-dada used to always inquire from me in Bengali, everything from "What are you cooking?" to "Where is your husband and what is that rascal up to?" and usually I would earnestly try to reply him in Bangla as much as I could but slowly I was degraded and lost my touch. I hope Krishna Chandra inspires me to re-learn that beautiful language, then I can read the literatures of all the Gaudiya Vaishnava acharyas in the original text very fluently. I can read the text and pronounce correctly but I am not very adept or fluent, sometimes I see a conjunct that I've not seen in a while and it confuses the hell out of me. This usually happens with transcribed Sanskrit texts because a lot of the symbols are rare and unused in modern Bengali print-- I just have to practice or I'll completely forget. Oh well, wish me luck.