For the past several days my mind has been disturbed and somehow, being sharp as he is, my husband immediately took notice (that's me being sarcastic and cynical) After about a week of irritability and mental anxiety he finally asked me, a couple days back, "What's wrong, why are you so upset? What's going on in your mind, why is your mind so disturbed?" but I couldn't or wouldn't answer him.
Today morning I finally asked him a question regarding spiritual life, I guess it was more of a statement or affirmation than an actual question. In reality, I was just setting myself up for disappointment because there was no way he could read my mind or fully understand my heart. We were discussing something that I recently read; it didn't bother me then but given a few days to stew in the ole brain, I fully understood the conclusion. I am not a true devotee of Krishna, according to the scriptures and guidelines of Vaishnava behavior, consciousness and other symptoms I'm a shadow devotee. I practice some form of Vaishnavism, vaisnava-ābhasa meaning, I worship Krishna and accept Him as the Supreme Lord but maintain superficial attachment; I have ulterior motives, the real goal behind my surrender and worship is relief from material anxiety, suffering and bondage. Compromised intentions. According to the more detailed explanations of Jaiva Dharma I'm not a complete hopeless case, whatever little trace of bhakti and shraddha I have are my redeeming grace. For that reason, I'm still technically accepted as a vaisnava but barely, hanging by a thread, because I'm easily deviated by bad company.
I can be eventually elevated from chāyā-bhakti-abhāsa but only after I give up misconceptions and have a steady grasp of sambandha-jñana. Right now, I'm just wondering when and how I'll finally have true love for the Lord, untainted attachment and love for chanting, pure emotion. In the end, I opened up a little bit to my husband, hoping maybe he could relieve my anxiety. My hope lies within the mercy of a madhyama-adhikārī who can guide my steps towards untainted devotion. Stripped of all false hopes, my only remaining prayer is to the swanlike soul, full of compassion for ignorant offenders like myself, to please be merciful upon me. Please help me, prabhu. Where is that extraordinary soul who can dissipate my ignorance and spark within my heart pure, untainted, spontaneous love for the All-Attractive Lord?