The Disciple's Vow

At times I feel overwhelmed, alone and afraid. I don't even recognize myself sometimes and I feel as if I've transformed into an entirely different person. I've learned that, like a marriage, it is impossible for one to truly know their spiritual partner. One could spend his or her entire life with someone and still have a shallow or incomplete understanding of that individual. A spiritual master may see only what representation the disciple portrays of him/herself. (The eternal spiritual master who resides in the heart, Sri Guru, however, is never fooled.)
Disciples frequently lack the maturity or complexity to understand the desire and wishes of the spiritual master. Likewise, it is daunting to understand the Self. While the pact between master and disciple is before God to each other, allegiance in spiritual life is also an allegiance to the Self. The disciple is obligated to act always in his spiritual best interest. By no exaggeration, it is the primary priority of the initiated disciple to remain chaste to her eternal spiritual identity and duty. Failure to do so would hamper all progress and lead her astray; in fact, such misgivings could turn her away from the spiritual path entirely if given to offenses and accumulated misconceptions.
I do not know my Self. I do not understand my Self. I've often succumbed to doubt, temptation, fear and, most of all, hesitation. I fear to act, speak, feel or think for fear that it may not be palatable to others. I fear that my actions could be misconstrued or condemned or deemed reckless. I've found few things that truly bring me joy-- music, martial arts, and dedicated study. I've found that often I learn more valuable lessons in pursuit of mundane knowledge than in a dry discourse. I've seen drug addicts, addicts of the flesh, gamblers and so-called lost souls with more humanity, compassion and wisdom to offer than even the most weathered practitioner in temple. I find their lessons most valuable, relevant and influential-- for they remind me that the Lord can lead anyone back Home just as easily as illusion can lead her astray.
O Keshava! I've seen You staring back at me in the pages of a book. I have seen the Lord-- He was hidden between scribbled notes on the page. The Lord was found in careful arithmetic and calculations, in the relaxed breath between poetic phrases, dancing amid notes on sheet music. He was intelligence, beauty, an exasperated sigh and fluent understanding breaching forth from the page. I felt the Divinity within myself, around me, encoded within the multiverse, and brimming forth unbounded! I felt alone in this realization as I feared no one else had this same vision and yet I felt swaddled, safe in the Divine Feminine's arms.
Of all my identities, I found that the one I treasure, protect and keep hidden is the one that I should nurture and cultivate. She is locked away in a tower, accessible only with great effort. She is appalled and frustrated and distrustful of the outside world. She lives in her own imagination, in a fantastic faery-tale realm with ivory towers that offer her fortification from the grotesque. She is alone and peaceful, and yet restless and yearning for escape. She remains chaste, loyal and faithful to her spiritual master and awaits patiently his orders and instructions!

Well-Oiled Machine

Sri Gopi Nath Giri Dhari

Sri Lakshmi

Today Chitravasini and I had errands and shopping to do early in the morning so I didn't get to worship My Lordships this morning. Fortunately, I knew that today was going to be busy so I prepared the lunch menu and got most of the preliminary stuff out of the way. I didn't get home until almost 2pm, but as I don't have a fixed schedule for Their worship and so on, I figured I could run errands and do the puja later. After their abhishek and srngar, I offered Them something to eat and I was surprised to see that I completed my full routine in under an hour! I love it when the everything runs smoothly like a well-oiled machine!

Sri Sri Lakshmi Narasimha Deva

Sri Madan Gopal Ji

I have been struggling the past few weeks to get any new ideas for Deity outfits. The last time I made Their Lordships a new outfit was probably around a festival. I really want to make more time for Them and use some of the new brocade fabric that is sitting around idly. I hope I can get more time, but as it stands, I hardly get enough time for myself. Most of my time is consumed my school, puja, and practicing. I hope Lord Balaram empowers me and Lord Krishna accepts my offerings. Today my jasmine didn't give many flowers and I think this is because it's going out of season soon. I'm really upset because on top of this, my gardenia has passed away. I figured I could revive her but after weeks of struggling with her, I finally put her to rest. I uprooted her from the soil and I saw her root system was not very strong. This is unfortunate; I'm really depressed but hopefully I get more flowers and shrubs this weekend! Chandaneswar prabhu hired a landscaper to plant new gardenia shrubs for me!

nityanandam aham naumi sarvananda karam param
harinam pradam devam avadhuta shiromani 

namo maha vandanyaya krishna prema pradayate
krishnaya krishna-chaitanya namne gaura tvishe namah

Jay Gopeswar Mahadev!

The Grief of Separation

Do you know what happened to me? Do you want to know what happened to me? Let me tell you... it wasn't pretty. I woke up around 11pm or so... (when I say "woke up" I mean, I laid in bed for hours trying to fall asleep). I was thinking and pondering about what might happen on the trips, what I'll need to pack, and my heart started pounding. I mean it was pounding out of my chest until I eventually got up and started pacing the house. The more I paced, the more racing thoughts occurred, the more anxious I became, the faster my heart raced. I didn't want to go on this trip to India and I really wasn't even sure if I wanted to hangout with Purandar Acharya so much, what to speak of this whole 'one-roadtrip-per-week' nonsense. How much can one drive in a month? I mean, that's the only time we have left together.
And then it happened.
I don't think I've ever told you about it; I may have alluded to it, hinted at it, beat around the damn bush, but I haven't ever given you the details because the details are excruciating. My heart started to race along with my thoughts and so it continued until I couldn't keep track of my own mind. Suddenly the flood gates were open and every possible disastrous end that could happen troubled my anxiety-addled mind. I started to panic. I couldn't breath, I couldn't sit, I couldn't even think straight. I wanted to stop myself. I wanted to slap myself across the face and tell myself to calm the fuck down... but I couldn't. Could I?
So I checked my blood pressure because unlike most people, I still have the intellectual aptitude to think my way out of this whole debacle, right? I'm superwoman. Fuck this panic attack.
I checked it three times, each time hoping that it would come down and it did, with the help of pranayam and mantras. I chanted silently as to not wake the men-folk. They weren't capable of talking me down, they would only get in the way. Except, it did wake one of the men-folk-- Chandaneswar-- and he asked me what was going on. Naturally, he assumed that my blood sugar or blood pressure dropped (he says I have un usually calm demeanor) so he advised me to drink sugar water or some electrolytes but I couldn't entertain his nonsensical idea because I was fully engaged in  panic mode. I calmed myself down with more deep breathing and chanting in lotus position until I was "nearing" normal range. I stayed in meditation for some time actually, and when I got down to the bottom, I realized why I was terrified.
I wasn't scared of the trip. I wasn't worried about what to pack, or that it was last-minute, or that my passport wasn't here or that I needed to transfer my Indian visa.. none of that shit mattered, only time mattered. I knew in my heart that we were running out of time. We were out of time and I was very much in love with Purandar prabhu. I mean, at this point, it's excruciating for me to realize just how much he means to me. Much like a young girl is crushed when she is separated from her lover, I was obliterated inside. I all saw was darkness and all I felt was solitude. At that time I started to sob and cry and wail like a damn child. I knew I might not see him again, except for rare trips to India. But what of it? Who cares, right? Except... if I'm this crushed and torn about it, I imagine Chandaneswar is a thousand times that. If Purandar was this important and dear to me, he's a thousand times more important to and bonded with Chandaneswar. So, if I'm in love with Purandar prabhu, Chandaneswar and Purandar are eternal soul-mates, lovers. I even joke that Purandar is Chandaneswar's first true love. I know he will just about die of grief when Purandar leaves. I'll die of grief as well, but Chandaneswar is well, I don't know how to explain it. They're soul mates, best friends, brothers. Chandaneswar told me to hold it in just a while longer. "If you get depressed, he'll get depressed and this whole time will be miserable for everyone. Be strong until he leaves, then you can cry."
As I sobbed and cried into Chandaneswar's shoulders and ruminated over how we would return back empty-handed and heavy-hearted, I meditated on the Supreme Lord. I begged and pleaded with Sri Nityananda Ray and asked Him what would become of us. "If Purandar leaves us, I'll die. I'll die of separation. Prabhu, help me. If he goes, I'll go to India too and I'll just follow prabhu wherever he goes. I'll be the annoying little sister he couldn't have. I'll be good, Thakur; make it happen, please." When I disclosed my thoughts to Chandaneswar prabhu, his only reply was, "If you leave me here, then I'll leave too."
Today my friend came to the house and confided the very same thoughts, almost in tears, "If Purandar leaves, you can't stay here, Chandaneswar can't stay here. They're too close, like lovers. You'll leave to India, and then Chandaneswar will leave to India, and I'll be alone."
And so the cycle continues. 

Travel Plans

Last night Chandaneswar prabhu came home really excited about his latest plan: a pilgrimage of South India. I was excited to see how energized he was planning this whole thing out. Apparently he and Lokojit prabhu were on the phone last night discussing it and came up with a detailed itinerary. My greatest hope is that I get to travel to Ahobhilam but I'm not sure if that will happen this time around. We're hitting Tirupati, Rameswaram, Kanya Kumari, Visakhapatnam and then complete our trip in Bombay. We've been to Mayapur, Vrindavan, and Puri in the past and I wanted to visit the Himalayan temples and South Indian temples. We will need another trip in the summer to visit Kailash and Amaranth, but I'm excited that I finally get to visit India again after five years!

Sectarianism in Vaishnava Practice

It's only one o'clock in the afternoon right now. It took me about twenty minutes to do my make up but I feel like it really should have taken me much longer. Am I getting better at applying makeup or did I just skip something important out of forgetfulness? I don't know.
I completed a discussion assignment for my online class and I feel like I spent a disproportionate amount of my week studying for what turned out to be a fairly easily topic to address. Not that the assignment was easy, what I mean is, I didn't think I had at least 400 words to say on the subject until I started typing up my response. Before I knew it, I was over 700 words, I guess I should have word-counted sooner, so I spend more time cutting the fat than I actually spend organizing my thoughts. Interesting.
Also, I wanted to post a photo of Brahmacharini Devi but I decided against it because I remember I attached one during an earlier post from last year about an interesting dream I had. It's here, if you're interested in reading about it. Instead, let me post a picture of Durga's nine incarnations because I haven't done that yet. As Vasanta Durga puja approaches, I've been considering performing Durga puja and Saraswati puja at home. We'll see what happens... wish me luck.
Actually, I've wanted to do goddess pujas in the past, but being an advocate for Vaishnavism and a practicing Vaishnava, it is typically frowned upon to worship demigods. In my quest for spiritual understanding, I've outgrown all the sectarian supremacy and dogmatic nonsense. I really believe that Goddess puja is as spiritually rewarding and fulfilling for a sincere practitioner as Vishnu or Krishna puja. That is to say, if someone has a sincere desire for spiritual upliftment, not material benefits. Years ago, I had several dreams about Goddesses beckoning me to Their worship. She urged me to worship Her in order to receive maximum results; I still don't know what 'maximum results' entails, however, it is ever-enticing an offer.
I believe that in our earnest (and zealous) ambition to worship Sri Krishna, we may inadvertently offend and disrespect demigods, which negatively affects our sadhana bhakti. The result being the same as offending a Vaishnava. Krishna devotees seem to forget that demigods are expansions of the Supreme Absolute Truth as well as servants of Krishna so we should offer Them all respects (though we aren't obligated to worship Them either). They are not ordinary souls, and if one agrees that Krishna is the Adi-Purush, one should also accept that all incarnations, expansions, etc come from Him, so in effect, we are offending Him to a degree when we disrespect demigods.

Begging Forgiveness

Oh Govinda! I am a monster in disguise,

A wolf in sheep's clothing,

An unscrupulous charlatan 

Deceiving the ignorant and innocent masses! 

Where have I gone wrong, Thakur?

Where, specifically, did I fall from Your Grace?

My Lord, I beg Your forgiveness,

Give me hope that I can rectify my senseless actions.

Show me the way out of this abyss!

I've stooped so low and become so degraded

That, at times, I hardly recognize my own self.

Is it possible, my Sweet Govinda, to do any worse harm than this?

It is better, by far, to die and quit this wretched body

Than commit such a senseless act of spiritual suicide.

What becomes of this lowly beggar? 

Madri begs Grace and Compassion from You and Yours!

Just Do It

Fucked up dream. I woke up scared and almost in tears. I had an dream about a really awesome festival and an older kirtaniya devotee was visiting Dallas. I knew him back in my ashram days, he led really energetic, powerful Kirtan that usually swelled to a climax wherein everyone, men, women, and children, would start holding hands and jumping up and down. It was going to be ecstatic chaos and I couldn't wait!
Anyway, my friend Dolly didn't know about this devotee or the event so I urged her to come because it was a once-in-a-lifetime experience. On her way to the festival, she overheard some devotees talking about me so she eavesdropped and was shocked to hear what they were saying. I texted her to find out if she made it to the temple and she said she had but it was an emergency and we needed to talk in person right away.
Apparently, my beloved husband, Chandaneswar went about town bragging about how he had found a new love and he was plotting to break up with me. Of course, he needed it to look like I was mentally or emotionally unstable and he was just a good, loyal husband so he was going to gaslight me and do horrible, cold shit just to get me to leave him first. Then, he would be free to pursue this new mistress without any criticism from the community. His friends knew this was his plan for some time; Chandaneswar was waiting for the perfect time to strike and they decided to keep it to themselves and not warn me.
For the record, the plan failed miserably. It totally backfired. He kept being mean and saying horrible things to me so I confronted him about it. I asked him if what Dolly heard was true and he confirmed that it was. I didn't want to believe that Chandaneswar could be so cruel to me after almost ten years of marriage. What could have changed in just the past week for him to completely turn around like that? He said that he never really loved me, he just married me because I was "marriage material" and the best candidate. Its not like he could bring just anyone to meet his parents. I was a great housewife but just a placeholder until someone better came along. The past ten years was just a very elaborate ploy to establish his reputation as a good, upstanding husband and father so he could get away with his affairs. I was extremely useful to that end, he added; he exploited my natural obedience and loyalty to religious and social dogma to build himself a social status that was above suspicion. After all, a man was only as good as the woman next to him.
I was in tears sobbing violently and he consoled me by saying, "Hey, take it as a compliment, it did take ten years to find someone better." I told him that he could be with her if he wanted her so badly, he could have confided in me and I wouldn't mind his sexual indiscretions but I would not walk away from him. I gave everything to him and I wouldn't be able to move on after giving my entire heart. I told him that our union was sanctioned by the Lord and witnessed by the entire body of devotees so our marriage took precedence over his lust. "She can be your seva-dasi, I'll even spare an allowance for her, but she is subordinate to me first. I'm not budging."
At this point, Chandaneswar became desperate to get rid of me. He didn't want anyone to find out what he did. He continued berating me, saying the most hurtful things he could come up with. I desperately told him, "I'd rather die than lose my honor. I vowed to be your partner in this lifetime and the next before the Lord. If I can't follow through on my word of honor, I'd rather kill myself." Suddenly, Chandaneswar's eyes lit up as he realized that he stumbled on a easy solution. I ran for a knife or dagger of some sort and asked him to recant. "Please tell me you're mistaken, prabhu. I know you love me. If you don't love me, if you don't want me as your wife, I'll gladly die." Chandaneswar fell silent for a moment before he spoke the awful words, "Do it."
When I woke up, it was 6am and Chandaneswar was standing next to the bed, "Babe, I made some fake tuna, you can make tuna sandwiches for sona's lunch." I told him the nightmare, that he was trying to get me to commit suicide so he could be with another woman. "Never! You worship Vrinda Devi, tell her everything and she will protect you. It will never come true. Tell Tulasi Devi." I held on to him tightly before he left for work and he squeezed me to his chest. I wanted to cry but I had no reason to do so. It was just a dream, after all.

Finding Heart

Sri Sri Guru-Gauranga Jayatah!

Dandavat pranam. Jay Srila Prabhupad!

I hope this letter finds you in good health and sound mind.

Lately I feel like I have fallen slack in my devotional service and spiritual practice. Truly, I normally ignore my exhaustion and try my best to re-commit myself each morning, each moment of every day. Over a decade ago, HH Rtadhvaja Swami advised me that the best strategy was to take Krishna Consciousness a day at a time. I realized immediately that if I thought about the long-term goal, at some point, the goal might seem unattainable. For my fickle and immature mind, it would be easier to endeavor only in baby steps. Everyday I followed those wise instructions and maintained my vows to the best of my ability. I endeavored patiently, slowly chiseling away at a lifelong vow of loyalty to Krishna, Guru, and Gauranga in hopes of attaining the highest goal-- prema-bhakti. 

I loved my god-siblings, served them, followed their wisdom, asked their advice and so on. At times, I felt pressured to accept first initiation but I resisted the temptation to rush such an important commitment until I was certain. After years of contemplating, I accepted first initiation in the company of sweet vaishnavs and celebrated my spiritual birth. I remember that day clearly. I tearfully circumambulated the sacrificial fire in ecstasy knowing I had found spiritual shelter. That was seven years ago this Balaram Purnima. Over these past seven years, I have realized that I am a fraud. I have lost sight of my eternal self, service, name, identity, and mood. I followed the rules and regulations with unyielding zeal. I only cared about following protocol. I learned to sit properly, dress properly, behave properly, speak properly, and think properly but I did not learn to love properly. I did not love anyone or anything properly. I did not even love myself properly because I was too busy contorting myself to fit into a box properly. More recently, I found a sanga where I feel accepted, welcomed, and loved. I found a wonderful place where I do not have to contort myself to fit in. I found vaishnavs with kindness and acceptance at the core of their hearts, with warmth and affection I did not find at temple. One day, as I was reciting my pranams to the acharya sampraday and my ishtha-devatas, I realized I was never going to fit in. Indeed, it is impossible to push a square cog into a round hole. As I slowly uttered, “ananta koti vaishnava vrinda ki” I felt hollow inside and realized though I may offer my prostrate obeisance to hundreds, thousands, even millions of vaishnavs, I will never quite be up to par. I will never be counted among them. What's more, I do not want to fit in. I know I will never be good enough. No matter how hard I contort, distort, repress and suppress myself, I will never feel good enough. I want to be myself and be accepted. I want to feel loved. I do not want to be part of a society where I feel pressured to fake it and go through the motions. I do not want to be part of a community in which appearances means more than sincerity and intention. I do not want to be part of a society wherein one is reprimanded for speaking frankly and honestly and gloried for being delusional and duplicitous. I ask myself if there is something wrong with me for feeling this way but each time I do so, I hear a resounding and overwhelming, "No!" 

I want a heart because I lost mine somewhere along the way. 

Apnar kinkar

Marjanam

Today was the Gundica Marjan festival at our local temple. Appropriately, I'm in the process of cleaning house. Yesterday I organized & sorted saris with the help of a close friend. I'm giving away dozens of outfits (again); I feel compelled to change my physical appearance, identity, and style. Not only that, but I feel like the exterior is symptomatic of something I feel deep inside. I'm transforming and undergoing a metamorphosis. I've felt this way a lot this past decade but sometimes I feel like I'm going in circles. (I'm constantly enduring painful growth spurts) Why do I feel this way, even after ten years of conscious endeavor toward growth? I'm starting to feel like there is something I'm missing or skipping. I've been feeling more open and forthcoming lately but I also really raw & emotional. I don't like feeling raw & emotional because it's powerfully overwhelming to me. I find myself feeling insecure at times & when I try to analyze those feelings, I get frustrated or feel self-conscious. What's going on? I suppose the only thing to do is surrender to those emotions and let myself feel them thoroughly. In fact, it may be cathartic to let them pass through me instead of holding back. I'm afraid though, and I'm more afraid of exploring these emotions. I find myself in prayer sometimes, distracted from the external world and begging my Lord and Lady for help.

"My Dear Kalachandji, please help me. 

Nobody can help me but You. 

Save me please, Lord, turn me into one of Sri Radha's loyal maidservants; 

I plead you, place me under Her care. 

O Devi, please guide my heart toward Your lotus feet! 

Please let me surrender to You and no one else. 

I have no other friend, no other shelter and no other recourse,

 but Your service, name, worship, and shelter. 

I beg of You, Goddess, save me from my wretched materialistic desires. 

Prepare me for Your Ladyship's service. You are my only resort."

My Humble Thanks

School is fantastic. I still have my 4.0 even though several people said it wouldn’t last. “You’ll get burned out!” Well, maybe I would have but the fact remains that I’ve accomplished my goal so far. I am reminded of the adage, “Slow and steady wins the race.” I am nothing if not slow and steady. My friends and family laud me for that quality.
I haven’t named my violin yet, but if she had a name, I’d name her Anastasia, resurrection, because has resurrected me. I’m with her most of the time at school, and with my friends and family the rest of the time. Of course, I am always with the Lord; Chaitya-guru guides me from within. I've relied heavily on Nitai-Gaura mantra meditation and pranayam to get me through daily tasks like focusing on boring documents or presentations. I didn't know it was possible but it is. Gaura Nam is my heart; Nitai Nam is my life. I feel a renewed sense of joy when I chant... it can only mean one thing.
Lately I’ve been spending a lot of time practicing my violin. I spend my time with Kreutzer, Bach, Tchaikovsky, Handel, and Mozart. I started playing violin seriously this semester, and I'm focusing on improving my piano skills. I practice classical repertoire everyday, and I’ve made a commitment to finishing a degree in Music Therapy. I would love to be a therapist and counselor, employing music to heal people in pain, trauma, and crises. 
I feel great to have accomplished my goals so far, but I couldn’t do it without the support of my friends and family. Without them, I wouldn’t have the courage to face it every day. They inspire me to do better for others and myself. They challenge me to reach for bigger goals. Thank you!

Radha Madhava-Kalachandji

This morning, at 3:51 am, I woke up from a strange dream. I dreamt I was at a temple, possibly Mayapur, during a large festival gathering. From what I could tell, this was not an American temple, it looked like Mayapur Chandradaya mandir,  except Radha Kalachandji stood where Radha Madhava stand amidst the sakhira. I scanned the temple room to find familiar faces, but to no avail. I pondered if this would be my last opportunity to see Them once again, and gasped for breath. The thought alone petrified and paralyzed me in fear. I threw myself upon the floor, offering astanga pranam, and began rolling my entire body, such as the Bangladeshi mothers do in full, loving surrender.
"I may never see you again, my Lord. I don't know when I will see you again." It seems from my behavior, that this was a special darshan, meaning, no one else saw Kalachandji; this was a special significator for something amazing and rare. When I looked up, I saw a familiar face, a devotee from our community was taking darshan of Radha Madhava-Kalachandji; she was completely alone, and she was wearing non-devotional attire. I thought this was strange because she usually wears saris.
When I looked up to see Kalachandji, I noticed that He was taking darshan of Mataji; Sri Radhe and Kalachandji were having darshan of their devotee, and Kalachandji gracefully smiled at her. I could understand that only by special mystic vision could I witness this occurrence, and I bowed before Their Lordships once again, rolling on the ground.
I typically don't journal these dreams publicly for the same reason, but I thought I would write it anyway. I don't know whether I should reveal this dream to this Mataji or if I should keep it secret. I have a feeling this dream has a deep significance, and it may be better if I keep it to myself. 

Bhakti Yoga and Friends

Yesterday morning I woke up early and planned to attend the morning program. Krishna Chandra had other plans however, and we ended up staying home. He didn't even want to to ride his bike at the park. Increasingly frustrated, I feel asleep after breakfast and ignored him the rest of the morning. I realise that I tend to pout in the corner when I can't get my way. It's also surprising how easily depressive I can be. Though I haven't had any symptoms for several months, I can easily fall back into a weak mentality when I'm stressed. Although I'm the adult, Krishna Chandra has more power and control in the relationship and it can be incredibly annoying. Im still not sure how to tackle this but I'm in a research and development phase. 

After waking up, I whipped up a quick lunch: pasta with vegetables in a tahini-almond sauce. I had more fruit left, so I milked my kefir in hopes of having a healthy snack later. It was around lunch time that I started receiving a dozen messages, texts, emails, etc. almost simultaneously. It was as if everyone wanted my attention at the same time, and it felt good for a minute until it became distracting and a hindrance. Chandaneśwar prabhu arrived home later, we watched the game and were horribly disappointed. In the late afternoon my sisters arrived and we engaged in light conversation. They also wanted some services performed: Palm reading and waxing. I busied myself waxing one sisters legs while Chandaneśwar read the other's palm. By this time it was late, so I invited them to the Yoga center. Maria and Josue wanted to go but Tiffany wanted to stop by the temple gift shop. We parted ways, and Maria joined us at the  yoga center. I took my violin with me so I could accompany Lavanga-latika during bhajans and later Maharaj answered queries. The class went long, and I started to feel sleepy by the soft lull of his voice. 

Friends, family, and well-rounded day of fun and spiritually charging activities was just what I needed. 

Akshay Tritiya Vrata

On Sunday evening, exhausted and dehydrated, I collapsed in my dining room and hit the floor. I knew I was going to lose consciousness. I felt that my mind was unfocused. I was not sharp. I felt dull, slow, and foggy. I sat at the dining table, pushed my textbooks away, and began sipping homemade lemonade. It was too sweet for my taste, though, and in a sad attempt to adjust it, I stumbled toward the kitchen area. I felt dizzy, nauseous, and began to tremble. I quickly diluted the lemonade and gulped it down as quickly as possible. As I reached my seat again, I sensed there was no way to delay the inevitable. I was going to pass out soon, so I made another sad attempt to protect myself. I turned away from my dining table, and leaned out toward the floor in hopes of laying down before I collapsed. I could tell there was not enough time, so with my last ounce of strength I folded my palms, half praying, half defensive position, and tucked my face into my hands. I knew my body would naturally assume a fetal position in order to protect my face and internal organs, so I surrendered, and trembling in fear, began to pray and weep before my brain shut down.

Krishna Krishna Krishna 

Krishna Krishna, help me!

Nitai please protect me!

 My body trembled and quaked; my brain shut down, and I felt like I was being electrocuted. When I woke up, I was lying on the floor with my hands under my cheeks. My face hurt, my lips and nose were swollen and throbbing, and my face was wet. "Am I bleeding?" Two solitary tears streamed down my cheek, and I slowly regained consciousness. I pushed myself up from the floor and reached for my drink. I sat there, bewildered, terrified, and alone. I didn't bother calling my husband, son, godbrother, sister, or neighbors for help. I just sat there on the dining room floor chanting the Lord's names, and thanking Him for manifesting Himself in my mind and heart. 

After raising my blood pressure and replacing my fluids, I sat in the dining room in total shock and disbelief: I was completely terrified and panicked, but somehow I remembered to chant the Lord's names. Today is Akshay Tritiya and I want to re-commit myself to chanting the Lord's name, remembering Him, and surrendering to His will. I want to be determined in the face of Death, and constantly remember Sri Krishna against all odds.

Rescuing the Lord

Last night, I had a dream about a local devotee turned drama player. She has previously acted in temple dramas, and in my dream she had become a famous stage player. I was excited to see her on stage at a local university campus. As I approached the campus I heard a loud, nagging cry in my mind. I could hear the voice, but it seemed no one else could perceive it. I wondered, "Who is that?" and the voice clearly replied, "Who do you think?"
It was the Lord's voice, and He had specific demands. First, He informed me that he was being neglected by the young devotee actress. He complained that since she had become popular and successful, she had started to neglect Him. He was in the form of a small marble stone statue and traveled alongside her as she toured. He mentioned, "She has a lover who gives her gifts of flowers, jewelry, and sweets, but she does not share any of it with Me. She could at least offer something to Me, anything. She does not bathe, dress, feed, or put me to rest. I am just a statute to her. I am cold, hungry, sleepy, and lonely. I am so exhausted and have not slept for days. Come get me and take me to your home."
Hearing of this regrettable behaviour, I wondered to myself if it was possible to express my concern to her in person. I reasoned that being an educated and cultured young woman, she would admit some shortcomings and rectify her negligence. I set off in search for her, and found her in the arms of her lover, desperately embracing, kissing passionately, and still in full costume backstage. Both were stage players, and apparently fell violently in love during their tour. On closer inspection, I noticed that her lover was not a man, but an actress dressed as the male protagonist. My first impression was that she so desperately sought immediate gratification that she had not bothered to remove her elaborate makeup and costume, feed her Krishna Deity, or even check on Him in the dressing room first. I heard Sri Krishna speak once more, "You see? I told you, she is only concerned for herself; she is selfish! Come get me, quickly, before she comes back!" I finally relented and followed His directions toward the dressing rooms. After winding my way through the halls, I found her dressing room, there behind the unlocked door stood a small Krishna deity-- naked, alone, hungry, and dirty, very, very dirty. I snatched Him and instructed Him to hide in my handmade bag, and keep very quiet. He laughed at me and said, "You're the only one who can hear me, fool!" I woke up shortly after kidnapping Krishna, and escaping through the halls.
After analyzing the dream more carefully, I wonder how often I think of the Lord's well-being. The Lord does not need me to bath, feed, dress, or worship Him. He does not need my fruits, flowers, jewelry, or sweet offerings. He does not need my incense, ghee lamps, water, or ornate fans. He wants my love, devotion, affection, and attention. He cries out for me to look after Him. He mercifully gives me the opportunity to serve Him, without regard to my caste, creed, background, or social status.
He is never concerned with our bodies, but intends to pervade our minds, hearts, and souls. I wonder, regrettably, how negligent I am of Him in my daily worship. I wonder if the devotee actress is rather a representation of me. Having plenty of admirers and sensual pleasures abound, have I forgotten the Lord? Am I neglecting Him? Is he begging me to rescue Him from a lonely existence?

Productive Potato

It is snowing and the roads are iced over here. Krishna Chandra is sick so he stayed home today. Thankfully, my school closed for a faculty development and training so I basically stayed home, watched movies, and ate junk food with my husband. I did not forget about my exercise routine. Cheko and Dolly will be proud to hear that I have been doing light calisthenics every couple hours. I did lunges, swats, and jumping jacks. I can not go jogging outdoors, but I was thinking about using the treadmill next door for a half hour. This way, I can justify eating all that junk food, and not feel like a couch potato for sitting around all day. I crocheted some mrdanga head warmers, think tea cozy for clay drum heads. I practiced violin, harmonium, and even sang some scales. I didnot forget about the piano, I practice an hour of piano and aural skills in the practice room. This leaves my afternoon free for algebra study, violin, and work. I reviewed my algebra homework, and finished a practice exam. I feel productive. Chandaneswar prabhu read a chapter of Sri Chaitanya Charitamrita while I crocheted, and we had some stimulating discussions about Mahaprabhu's friends, associates, and their family members. In particular, we discussed Nrsimhananda Brahmachari, whose entire family were vaishnavas. Eventually Nrsimhananda brahmacari left his household and became the Lord's servant. I wish I had Vaishnava relatives. My relatives are all materialists, and my in-laws are dedicated mayavadis. Sometimes I tell my husband that I prefer a materialistic family over a materialistic mayavadi family.

Spiritual Intonation

Lately I have been contemplating my life more carefully, and sometimes it feels like Krishna has different plans for me entirely. I have been very social lately; I have forged new friendships and cultivated those relationships. Unfortunately, I have noticed a pattern that remains constant throughout. Whenever I attempt to forge closer relationships, the Lord, ever the expert arranger, shatters my expectations and hope.

I know that Srila Rupa Goswamipad says in Sri Upadeshamrita that we should cultivate loving relationships, reciprocate affection, and confide in other Vaishnavas. However, I have experienced that typically, they are the ones that break my heart and hurt me the most. I can only liken it to fine-tuning an instrument, or adjusting a signal or radio frequency. Usually, you can hear a slight dissonance when your instrument is out of tune. You attempt to fine-tune your instrument, or focus the signal, and usually, after a few attempts, you can have a clear, focused, and strong sound or signal.

When I first met devotees, I thought they were amazing individuals; they were impressive personalities: charming, loving, and wise. Some of them even struck me as perfected souls, enlightened representatives of the Lord sent to show compassion and love.I saw flickering images of their personality and character. As I tried to focus or strengthen relationships with with them, however, I have only received heartache and pain. I notice that they are flawed, hurtful, and selfish individuals just like ordinary materialistic men.

Perhaps I simply picked up the wrong frequency, but I fear that I set my expectations too high. I misconstrued the flickers and glimpses. I saw glimpses of a life, persona, or character that were just a farce. Just as an actor in a drama plays a romanticized and idealized hero based on fantasy and loft, they were fictional roles. The closer I move in, I feel, the more distorted, depraved, and grotesque the image. The more I am frightened, repulsed, and appalled. The more I retreat, or feel pushed away. Am I simply picking up interference? Adjusting the wrong frequency?  

One realization is comforting, although it does not alleviate my emotional anguish. I know He is the only constant, loyal, and loving friend. Everything and everyone else crumbles beneath His lotus feet. Everything erodes, dissolves, and dissipates-- only Krishna remains.

Simple Reckonings

Today was my first day of the semester, and it was thoroughly enjoyable. Except for the cold weather, everything was great. I have not attended my self defense and Taekwondo class in about a month. I was planning to immerse myself deeper into my martial arts practice this winter break, but I think The Lord may have other plans for me. I want to take a semester of martial arts on campus, at least, to better discipline myself and regulate my practice. On Sunday I had the opportunity to perform a duet with Bob at church during the Prelude. I am so flattered that he is impressed with me, and I could swear Juanita almost cried during the service when she heard Be Still My Soul. If I can satiate one soul, and thereby please The Lord with my service, it will make my life fruitful.
Piano class is going to be another enjoyable challenge. Yet again, I found the mercy of Sri Guru personified in an excellent professor, Ms. Jones. She is a thoroughly witty, opinionated, and humorous lady; I think I should do well under her tutelage.
I frequently hear students complain about their incompetent professors, but I am starting to believe this is a myth. There are probably very few incompetent professors, if any. I think it is more likely the students are incompetent, and lack a sense of accountability. It is quite common to blame someone else for your own mistakes, shortcomings, and flaws. It is easier to blame someone else for your problems rather than admit fault and take rectifying measures.
Today Citravasini taught me a new recipe for non-yeast rolls; she says the recipe can be adapted with any filling, whether cinnamon, cocoa, poppy seeds, or nuts. I will try to share it here with pictures. They resemble cinnamon rolls, and are prepared much in the same way yet omit yeast leavening. They are soft and tender due to the use of cottage cheese in the dough to condition it. Additionally, I am almost finished with another set of deity outfits, though, they are probably too small for the gurukul deities. I may have to alter the outfit in order to fit Their Lordships' height. I am not sure, however, I hope a good night's sleep will bring some ideas. Tomorrow, I plan to purchase textbooks, practice my instruments, and sew Deity outfits.

Krishna help me, my mind is thoroughly active and restless. Time is my enemy.  Even a thousand arms and heads would not accommodate me. If only I could expand myself to engage fully in each of my services. Lord of  all mystics, achieve this feat for me, please. 

The Jammin' Professor

Final exams are coming up; I am excited because I have prepared myself ahead of time. I still want to review some stuff for algebra. My jury is on the sixth, which means I have to practice, and focus more on violin. Unfortunately, I concentrate on academics more than music these days. I need to find the right balance.

A vacation is the most exciting prospect for me this winter. I cannot decide where I would like to go, but I know India probably is not feasible. I need to get some rest as soon as possible. I might take a week off with friends just to relax a bit and enjoy myself. I cannot wait until I have something to relay back to friends and family. I have plans to use a new sewing machine I recently inherited this winter, if nothing else. I have not really done any sewing with it, but I am anxious to get to it. Among my priority sewing projects are outfits for deities. I would like to sew a set each for smaller Gaura-Nitai and larger Jagannath Baladev Subhadra deities.

Today I got a compliment back from a peer who said I was always having adventures, and had something interesting to say. I like that. I like having adventures. Adventure suits me. I get into funny, awkward, or just strange situations sometimes. While normally these things might bother me, nowadays I just roll with the punches, go with the flow, and laugh at myself when necessary. Everything is funny when you take your head out of your ass and laugh.

I had a silly dream last night involving my English professor. I was in a frenzy to speak privately with her, but it just was not a good time for her. She told me several times, "Madri, this isn't a good time for me. Can you come during office hours? Make an appointment." and so on. I would not have it though. I demanded "me" time urgently. I followed her into her next class, she sat down, and the professor (not her) started up his boom box, with a personally mixed tape of Mariachi, Banda, and Norteno music. Apparently my professor was taking a course at the college for fun, with this quirky guy at the wheel. The professor was a very tall, handsome, older black man. He was wearing a funny blazer with elbow patches that he promptly removed. He pulled out his drum pad and drumsticks, and started to jam out with the Mexican music while singing along. It was so captivating that I forgot about my urgent ordeal, and listened dumbfounded to the hysterical professor.

Much Needed R&R

I have a thesis for my topic due on Wednesday, which should be easy enough because I have read half a dozen articles. I have yet to arrange an interview with anyone. This is a cry for help. If you or anyone you know is a member of a car club, please email me. I would like to interview you/your friend/relative for my research paper. Why did I choose car clubs? Well, when I searched academic databases for scholarly articles on car clubs, I found relatively little about it. There were plenty of car culture, and car customization, but not too many scholarly articles about car clubs in particular. I have curious, also, extremely curious about the fascination with car clubs. I've seen plenty riding around East Dallas, Pleasant Grove, North Dallas, and Oak Cliff but I don't know anyone personally who is a car club member or associates with any car club organization. I have a couple neighbors who are members of a car club but they have not responded back to me. I wonder if I seem like a creeper. I would hope not. Why would anyone want to investigate car culture and car club subculture?

On another note, I have been having strange dreams again. I suppose it has something to do with my lack of sleep that whenever I can sleep my body immediately jumps into deep sleep. I am currently investigating different sleep aids: natural, therapeutic, and medicinal to help me sleep better. I have found a combination that kind of works for me, it just takes a long time to kick in, and it has to be a daily routine or it does not work well.

Sunday was the last day of Damodar month, Rasa Purnima, and Tulasi Saligram vivaha. It was also Chandaneswar prabhu’s lunar birthday. We made pizza for lunch and had a quiet family dinner for prabhu. After dinner, we got ready quickly and headed to the temple for the festivities. Mother Sudantika usually conducts Tulasi Devi’s arati ceremony, and she eagerly took leadership of Tulasi Devi’s wedding arrangements. There was an energetic and lively kirtan for Vrinda Devi, circumambulation of the greenhouse, prayers, and then dozens of bhaktas watered Tulasi Devi. After everything, I was really exhausted but happily headed home with a feeling of rejuvenation and contentment.

Resolute

This week I visited an academic advisor to help me decipher the course numbers on the Music Therapy degree plan, and now I know which courses correspond to those at TWU. Now, I can plan my schedule, get as many academic and music courses completed at my community college, and make some progress toward my desired degree. On other news, I am doing really well in History, Math, and English, and I am proud of myself. I thought History would sink me for sure, but I stuck with it and worked hard. I have not really practiced for Aural Skills this past week at all. I was too busy working on my last History essay, and it drained me of every drop of energy. 

Damodar month is slowly ending, and each day I feel like I am making spiritual progress. I have made new friends this month, and re-established lost connections with old friends. Sometimes I wonder if I make my relationships complicated intentionally. I do not know why I do it, but I know that it is very hard for me to trust people. Sometimes, I go out of my way to hide, and even push people away. I feel like only Krishna knows me, the real me, and that I can only trust Him and no one else. I do not know if this is right or wrong, or if it is the symptom of spiritual maturity or simply a defense mechanism due to false ego. However, I know that the scriptures say that our ultimate goal is Krishna, we should find no other shelter except Him, and until we have realized that all is in vain in the material sphere, we cannot progress into a special, spiritual relationship with Him. I guess that although I understand that Krishna is the Supreme Lord, the ultimate shelter and eternal friend, I still wonder if there is a special purpose for me on this planet. There is a reason Krishna gave me these particular skills, talents, and abilities. There is a reason Krishna has put me in this environment, with certain people, exposed to particular circumstances. I know there is not just chaos, but that I can learn a lesson from this. I am trying my best to seek out new experiences actively, to learn from my experiences, and capitalize on what I have learned. In order to do that though, I have to hone every skill in my possession. I cannot hide from myself anymore, either. I have to expose what I have been hiding from myself resolutely.

I pray constantly that Lord Balaram give me strength to pursue the unfathomable path of devotion. I cannot weather the obstacles and trials alone; no, I need special guidance and loving care from a nurturing spiritual master.