Thursday, August 13, 2015

Just Do It

Fucked up dream. I woke up scared and almost in tears. I had an dream about a really awesome festival and an older kirtaniya devotee was visiting Dallas. I knew him back in my ashram days, he led really energetic, powerful Kirtan that usually swelled to a climax wherein everyone, men, women, and children, would start holding hands and jumping up and down. It was going to be ecstatic chaos and I couldn't wait!
Anyway, my friend Dolly didn't know about this devotee or the event so I urged her to come because it was a once-in-a-lifetime experience. On her way to the festival, she overheard some devotees talking about me so she eavesdropped and was shocked to hear what they were saying. I texted her to find out if she made it to the temple and she said she had but it was an emergency and we needed to talk in person right away.
Apparently, my beloved husband, Chandaneswar went about town bragging about how he had found a new love and he was plotting to break up with me. Of course, he needed it to look like I was mentally or emotionally unstable and he was just a good, loyal husband so he was going to gaslight me and do horrible, cold shit just to get me to leave him first. Then, he would be free to pursue this new mistress without any criticism from the community. His friends knew this was his plan for some time; Chandaneswar was waiting for the perfect time to strike and they decided to keep it to themselves and not warn me.
For the record, the plan failed miserably. It totally backfired. He kept being mean and saying horrible things to me so I confronted him about it. I asked him if what Dolly heard was true and he confirmed that it was. I didn't want to believe that Chandaneswar could be so cruel to me after almost ten years of marriage. What could have changed in just the past week for him to completely turn around like that? He said that he never really loved me, he just married me because I was "marriage material" and the best candidate. Its not like he could bring just anyone to meet his parents. I was a great housewife but just a placeholder until someone better came along. The past ten years was just a very elaborate ploy to establish his reputation as a good, upstanding husband and father so he could get away with his affairs. I was extremely useful to that end, he added; he exploited my natural obedience and loyalty to religious and social dogma to build himself a social status that was above suspicion. After all, a man was only as good as the woman next to him.
I was in tears sobbing violently and he consoled me by saying, "Hey, take it as a compliment, it did take ten years to find someone better." I told him that he could be with her if he wanted her so badly, he could have confided in me and I wouldn't mind his sexual indiscretions but I would not walk away from him. I gave everything to him and I wouldn't be able to move on after giving my entire heart. I told him that our union was sanctioned by the Lord and witnessed by the entire body of devotees so our marriage took precedence over his lust. "She can be your seva-dasi, I'll even spare an allowance for her, but she is subordinate to me first. I'm not budging."
At this point, Chandaneswar became desperate to get rid of me. He didn't want anyone to find out what he did. He continued berating me, saying the most hurtful things he could come up with. I desperately told him, "I'd rather die than lose my honor. I vowed to be your partner in this lifetime and the next before the Lord. If I can't follow through on my word of honor, I'd rather kill myself." Suddenly, Chandaneswar's eyes lit up as he realized that he stumbled on a easy solution. I ran for a knife or dagger of some sort and asked him to recant. "Please tell me you're mistaken, prabhu. I know you love me. If you don't love me, if you don't want me as your wife, I'll gladly die." Chandaneswar fell silent for a moment before he spoke the awful words, "Do it."
When I woke up, it was 6am and Chandaneswar was standing next to the bed, "Babe, I made some fake tuna, you can make tuna sandwiches for sona's lunch." I told him the nightmare, that he was trying to get me to commit suicide so he could be with another woman. "Never! You worship Vrinda Devi, tell her everything and she will protect you. It will never come true. Tell Tulasi Devi." I held on to him tightly before he left for work and he squeezed me to his chest. I wanted to cry but I had no reason to do so. It was just a dream, after all.
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