Unanswered Queries

This morning I had a few errands to run before  I could go biking but I finally made it out of the house and headed to Lindsley Park. I had a weird dream about something or other but the most interesting thing so far are the confetti egg remnants around my perch.

There's confetti, flour and crushed eggshells everywhere! A small part of me is a bit grossed out by the eggshells but, mostly, I'm amused. I didn't know that anyone still played with confetti eggs or, even more fascinating, that people still go through the trouble of making them. It's notoriously tedious and time consuming.
I remember mom used to prepare weeks in advance. She would start collecting, cleaning and coloring eggs as early as February, or January, if she anticipated an egg shortage. To this day, I don't know who keeps track of egg production and consumption like she did (except for maybe commodities brokers who invest in eggs and whose livelihoods' depend on it) or how one goes about this task. WTF, mom?
I still don't know how she managed to cut such a uniform hole without shattering the eggs, or how she found the time to wash, color and fill them with colored paper confetti and flour! How she loved seeing us play with them! She really loved Easter festivities and I don't know if there was another occasion that she enjoyed as much.
These past few weeks have been stressful. Our trip to India was postponed, Purandar Acharya is throwing himself into this work, I'm biking to fill the extra time, Chandaneswar is focusing on his health and diet and Krishna Chandra seems perfectly content without his electronic devices. (He lost privileges a couple weeks back) He's almost too happy and content with out them. I mean, how will I punish him if he misbehaves? I could take his bike privileges but truly it would hurt me as much as him. I love riding together. It's the most fun we have whether we're alone or together. I really enjoy it and it gives us a great excuse to go outside at a moment's notice.
Yesterday, Chandaneswar, Purandar Acharya and I were watching a Bengali film named Kaler Rakhal but only the first hour and a half was available on YouTube. I'm so upset because there are a couple of Baul songs that I love but they're on the second half of the film. I've been searching everywhere for it with no luck. Where can it be??
Well, we're probably going to India this summer but I'm upset that we won't be able to travel with Lokojit prabhu. He's the best travel guide ever and knows all the best spots and people. At least we still have each other. I feel like we're desperately clinging to each other now more than ever before. I feel lost and alone adrift an ocean of anxiety but my raft mates keep my company and sanity. I don't know what I would be with out them. I don't know where I would be without them. I don't who I would be without them. Sometimes I think to myself, "Renounce this lifestyle and give yourself completely to Gauranga!"
What shall become of us, Thakur?

Just Do It

Fucked up dream. I woke up scared and almost in tears. I had an dream about a really awesome festival and an older kirtaniya devotee was visiting Dallas. I knew him back in my ashram days, he led really energetic, powerful Kirtan that usually swelled to a climax wherein everyone, men, women, and children, would start holding hands and jumping up and down. It was going to be ecstatic chaos and I couldn't wait!
Anyway, my friend Dolly didn't know about this devotee or the event so I urged her to come because it was a once-in-a-lifetime experience. On her way to the festival, she overheard some devotees talking about me so she eavesdropped and was shocked to hear what they were saying. I texted her to find out if she made it to the temple and she said she had but it was an emergency and we needed to talk in person right away.
Apparently, my beloved husband, Chandaneswar went about town bragging about how he had found a new love and he was plotting to break up with me. Of course, he needed it to look like I was mentally or emotionally unstable and he was just a good, loyal husband so he was going to gaslight me and do horrible, cold shit just to get me to leave him first. Then, he would be free to pursue this new mistress without any criticism from the community. His friends knew this was his plan for some time; Chandaneswar was waiting for the perfect time to strike and they decided to keep it to themselves and not warn me.
For the record, the plan failed miserably. It totally backfired. He kept being mean and saying horrible things to me so I confronted him about it. I asked him if what Dolly heard was true and he confirmed that it was. I didn't want to believe that Chandaneswar could be so cruel to me after almost ten years of marriage. What could have changed in just the past week for him to completely turn around like that? He said that he never really loved me, he just married me because I was "marriage material" and the best candidate. Its not like he could bring just anyone to meet his parents. I was a great housewife but just a placeholder until someone better came along. The past ten years was just a very elaborate ploy to establish his reputation as a good, upstanding husband and father so he could get away with his affairs. I was extremely useful to that end, he added; he exploited my natural obedience and loyalty to religious and social dogma to build himself a social status that was above suspicion. After all, a man was only as good as the woman next to him.
I was in tears sobbing violently and he consoled me by saying, "Hey, take it as a compliment, it did take ten years to find someone better." I told him that he could be with her if he wanted her so badly, he could have confided in me and I wouldn't mind his sexual indiscretions but I would not walk away from him. I gave everything to him and I wouldn't be able to move on after giving my entire heart. I told him that our union was sanctioned by the Lord and witnessed by the entire body of devotees so our marriage took precedence over his lust. "She can be your seva-dasi, I'll even spare an allowance for her, but she is subordinate to me first. I'm not budging."
At this point, Chandaneswar became desperate to get rid of me. He didn't want anyone to find out what he did. He continued berating me, saying the most hurtful things he could come up with. I desperately told him, "I'd rather die than lose my honor. I vowed to be your partner in this lifetime and the next before the Lord. If I can't follow through on my word of honor, I'd rather kill myself." Suddenly, Chandaneswar's eyes lit up as he realized that he stumbled on a easy solution. I ran for a knife or dagger of some sort and asked him to recant. "Please tell me you're mistaken, prabhu. I know you love me. If you don't love me, if you don't want me as your wife, I'll gladly die." Chandaneswar fell silent for a moment before he spoke the awful words, "Do it."
When I woke up, it was 6am and Chandaneswar was standing next to the bed, "Babe, I made some fake tuna, you can make tuna sandwiches for sona's lunch." I told him the nightmare, that he was trying to get me to commit suicide so he could be with another woman. "Never! You worship Vrinda Devi, tell her everything and she will protect you. It will never come true. Tell Tulasi Devi." I held on to him tightly before he left for work and he squeezed me to his chest. I wanted to cry but I had no reason to do so. It was just a dream, after all.

The Cobra Disciple

Today Chandaneswar prabhu displayed his ugra-murti, fearsome manifestation.
In the past ten years, I have never seen him that angry and I'm his wife!
What was funny about it was how he related the story to me later. He appeared to become furious with a woman for no apparent reason. I didn't know that in actuality she was bothering him for a while with the same questions even after he told her he had a migraine. At home, he stated simply, "Even a garden snake can bite." It reminded me of a story I heard about the sage Narada.
On one of his journeys, Narada muni met with a cobra who had spiritual inclinations. Naturally, Narada muni converted him to the vaishnav faith and gave him some simple instructions to follow. The snake became immersed in chanting and gave up striking humans. After some time, the locals took notice and began tormenting that pacifist cobra. On his next trek toward that part of the world, sage Narada stopped by to visit his cobra-disciple to check on his progress. When Narada met with his disciple, he asked about his well-being and progress. The cobra said he was miserable as a vaishnav. Narada quickly asked his disciple why he was unhappy. "Harinam is delightful, bhakti is delightful, so why should you be miserable?" The cobra then related how the humans were abusing him in his new-found pacifism. Narada scolded him, "I told you not to attack, I never said you shouldn't show your fangs or raise your hood."
Sometimes it is necessary to display our displeasure, anger, or frustration in order to accomplish something worthwhile... even as vaishnavs.

Manasa Vegam

I don't know what else to write about except my insanely fickle mind.
At times I want something so badly, it hurts. Yet, within a couple days, or even hours, I might change my mind, and wonder what all the fuss was about to begin with. This has been happening with more frequency lately. Chandaneswar's advise is to chant even more.
Have you ever felt like you were being pulled in a dozen different directions? I do, and often. More recently I've encountered a crisis of faith or identity. I've spent the past ten years attempting some facsmile of spiritual life. Save for taking a vow of poverty, I lived an pretty ascetic life with my family. Chandaneswar and I recently had an epiphany. If we have skills and talents we can engage in Krishna Consciousness, while providing our son the best resources, aren't we cheating ourselves from doing our duty by living out an excessively austere lifestyle? He wants me to pursue music wholeheartedly, and I want to indulge in more materialistic pursuits. I'm still young, I reason. I started doing this when I was very young, and I have to say I've grown. I'm very proud of myself; frankly, I never thought I'd stick to this path for over ten years. Seriously. Chanting? I'm not particularly fond of it in all its forms, but I try to do it sincerely, and constantly seek the counsel of my more advanced friends and mentors. Above all, I've reached a point where I question myself constantly. Am I disingenuous? Do I have ulterior motives? Am I simply seeking out admiration and respect?
The more I ask these questions, the more I answer, "Yes, yes, and yes." At this point, I don't know whether to give up and walk away completely, or seek better services, association, and shelter. I feel dejected, ineffective, and stagnant in my spirituality. I know I wouldn't be able to go back to a completely "materialistic" lifestyle. I never fit in there, and I know I never will. That still doesn't dissuade me, however. I feel I'm at an impasse where I have to choose whether to continue on my path, or walk away from everything I know and love to explore and grow on a different path. I thought that writing it all out would help. I just feel even more torn.

Against the Grain

Another flood dream:

This time we were traveling to a festival (mela) in some far away place. It took us several hours of driving to arrive, and when we did, we caught a glimpse of our spiritual master and left immediately. Gurudeva had an entourage of disciples and followers around him. They were fanning him and shading him with ornate fans and umbrellas like straight pimpin' boss. Seriously.
We took off back toward Dallas, and on our way we picked up my brother and a friend of mine, Victor. I don't know what they were doing out in the middle of nowhere, but they needed a ride home. I was more than happy to accommodate Victor because we were having car problems. Charles, on the other hand, was utterly useless.
 Our car stalled as we approached Texas, and we were stuck out in on the highway with no nearby garage, auto supply, or tools to speak of. Victor stepped out of the car, jerry-rigged it, and managed to start the car. We headed on our way until we noticed the road literally disappeared before our eyes. "Where the hell is the road?" we asked ourselves. "What the hell is going on?" As it happened, there was a flash flood that washed away large portions of the highway. Along the way, state troopers and local police set up a road block, and advised us to back track and find a different route home. We weren't about to do that with our unreliable transport, so we discussed other options.
 Chandaneswar and Victor reasoned that our vehicle could take a little "off-road action". Afterall, it was a Jeep, and could handle rough terrain even if it did have other issues. I scanned the shoulders and saw most of the ground along the highway was leveled and dry so it was relatively safe. We all agreed, and headed on our way. We cut across the median and first drove into oncoming traffic, as that part of the highway was pretty empty and still viable. Occasionally, we met with traffic, and they honked and shouted profanities at us. We weren't at all phased by it. It was fun, Victor, Krishna Chandra, and I were exhilarated and thrilled as we sped down the highway weaving and dodging other cars.
We kept driving until the road was too damaged and dangerous to use, and drove up on the shoulder. Eventually, even the shoulders were too dangerous, so we ventured even further away onto completely rocky, uneven land. Our SUV was fine though, and we kept going until we found a patch of road that led us back to the highway. The highway was really close to Dallas, and we knew it was only a matter of time until we reached home. We couldn't thank Victor enough. I wanted to punch the SOB who sold us that busted ass Jeep, but maybe I should thank him instead.

Akshay Tritiya Vrata

On Sunday evening, exhausted and dehydrated, I collapsed in my dining room and hit the floor. I knew I was going to lose consciousness. I felt that my mind was unfocused. I was not sharp. I felt dull, slow, and foggy. I sat at the dining table, pushed my textbooks away, and began sipping homemade lemonade. It was too sweet for my taste, though, and in a sad attempt to adjust it, I stumbled toward the kitchen area. I felt dizzy, nauseous, and began to tremble. I quickly diluted the lemonade and gulped it down as quickly as possible. As I reached my seat again, I sensed there was no way to delay the inevitable. I was going to pass out soon, so I made another sad attempt to protect myself. I turned away from my dining table, and leaned out toward the floor in hopes of laying down before I collapsed. I could tell there was not enough time, so with my last ounce of strength I folded my palms, half praying, half defensive position, and tucked my face into my hands. I knew my body would naturally assume a fetal position in order to protect my face and internal organs, so I surrendered, and trembling in fear, began to pray and weep before my brain shut down.

Krishna Krishna Krishna 

Krishna Krishna, help me!

Nitai please protect me!

 My body trembled and quaked; my brain shut down, and I felt like I was being electrocuted. When I woke up, I was lying on the floor with my hands under my cheeks. My face hurt, my lips and nose were swollen and throbbing, and my face was wet. "Am I bleeding?" Two solitary tears streamed down my cheek, and I slowly regained consciousness. I pushed myself up from the floor and reached for my drink. I sat there, bewildered, terrified, and alone. I didn't bother calling my husband, son, godbrother, sister, or neighbors for help. I just sat there on the dining room floor chanting the Lord's names, and thanking Him for manifesting Himself in my mind and heart. 

After raising my blood pressure and replacing my fluids, I sat in the dining room in total shock and disbelief: I was completely terrified and panicked, but somehow I remembered to chant the Lord's names. Today is Akshay Tritiya and I want to re-commit myself to chanting the Lord's name, remembering Him, and surrendering to His will. I want to be determined in the face of Death, and constantly remember Sri Krishna against all odds.

Quiet Supper

This morning I went to piano class, and Chandra picked me up after class to go shopping. We stopped by a couple markets to pick up fresh produce, and ingredients for the afternoon. We planned a nice dinner in with friends; though I have to say it was a really early dinner. Chandra and I prepared chickpea curry with potato paratha, and served it with Greek yogurt on the side. Dinner was delicious, and we spent several hours chatting away. Chandra loves to play host, even though he did lose sleep, he was delighted to have guests after such a long time. After dinner and conversation, everyone left. Krishna Chandra and I worked on some homework assignments. I dusted off my old laptop, and deleted old emails. I opened an account that I haven't used in ages, and cleared out the junk. Also, I completed almost two assignments already, and I think I will have more time to practice violin and piano tomorrow. I only practiced about fifteen minutes today, but I have to say it was a very productive few minutes. I have stopped peaking at the keyboard to play simple melodies.
Homework is enjoyable. I am thinking about studying with my sister since we're taking the same course. Plus I might need to borrow her textbook...

Much Needed R&R

I have a thesis for my topic due on Wednesday, which should be easy enough because I have read half a dozen articles. I have yet to arrange an interview with anyone. This is a cry for help. If you or anyone you know is a member of a car club, please email me. I would like to interview you/your friend/relative for my research paper. Why did I choose car clubs? Well, when I searched academic databases for scholarly articles on car clubs, I found relatively little about it. There were plenty of car culture, and car customization, but not too many scholarly articles about car clubs in particular. I have curious, also, extremely curious about the fascination with car clubs. I've seen plenty riding around East Dallas, Pleasant Grove, North Dallas, and Oak Cliff but I don't know anyone personally who is a car club member or associates with any car club organization. I have a couple neighbors who are members of a car club but they have not responded back to me. I wonder if I seem like a creeper. I would hope not. Why would anyone want to investigate car culture and car club subculture?

On another note, I have been having strange dreams again. I suppose it has something to do with my lack of sleep that whenever I can sleep my body immediately jumps into deep sleep. I am currently investigating different sleep aids: natural, therapeutic, and medicinal to help me sleep better. I have found a combination that kind of works for me, it just takes a long time to kick in, and it has to be a daily routine or it does not work well.

Sunday was the last day of Damodar month, Rasa Purnima, and Tulasi Saligram vivaha. It was also Chandaneswar prabhu’s lunar birthday. We made pizza for lunch and had a quiet family dinner for prabhu. After dinner, we got ready quickly and headed to the temple for the festivities. Mother Sudantika usually conducts Tulasi Devi’s arati ceremony, and she eagerly took leadership of Tulasi Devi’s wedding arrangements. There was an energetic and lively kirtan for Vrinda Devi, circumambulation of the greenhouse, prayers, and then dozens of bhaktas watered Tulasi Devi. After everything, I was really exhausted but happily headed home with a feeling of rejuvenation and contentment.

Lakshmi Puja/Damodara Mas

Yesterday we celebrated Lakshmi puja at our home. I lightly decorated the porch and sidewalk after sweeping and washing it. I purified my home with cow dung smoke and incense, and then set an altar for Lakshmi devi. I bathed my Lakshmi Narasimhadev with milk, yogurt, ghee, honey, and sugar water. Chandaneswar prabhu performed arati, while  Krishna Chandra and his cousins bathed the deities and offered ghee lamps to Lord Damodar. I was really satisfied with our simple but devoted puja. 

Later, I went to offer a ghee lamp at Radha Kalachandji's temple, and took some photos with my camera phone. Radha Kalachandji were bedecked in jewels and donning a luminescent white outfit. Shining brighter than a thousand moons, Kalachandji and Sri Radhe glanced gracefully and captivated the hearts of Their admirers. I can not describe how fortunte I am to have Their mercy.

It is impossible to describe the saundarya quality of Radha Kalachandji fully.
I can only allude to Their exquisite beauty in unworthy fragments. 

Summer Austerity

On Sunday we performed the final last rites ceremony, or tarpan, for Purandar Acharya prabhu's father. Usually, tarpan is celebrated exactly one year after the first shraddha ceremony; the begrieved are obligated to perform tarpan before they can celebrate any joyful rites or rituals in the family. Sundar Gopal prabhu flew in to town to perform the fire sacrifice, but the entire occasion took approximately two weeks' preparation. We had to collect and prepare all the items: ritual paraphernalia, offerings, and ingredients for the concluding pizza party.
Initially we decided that, since it is a private family ritual, we would only invite close friends or relatives. Word spread about the pizza party, however, and many uninvited guests showed up unexpectedly. It must have been Sri Kṛṣṇa's arrangement because some invited guests weren't able to attend. We ended up hosting a much larger party than we planned; more vaisnavara were received and served pizza prasadam.
The fire sacrifice was beautiful; I was very happy and relieved to perform this ritual finally. It signifies that we (extended family) are no longer in mourning, and that we can observe joyful festivals now.  We will have to wait approximately three months before we can do any celebratory samskars due to chaturmas, but hopefully we will have good news to announce soon. I don't want to jinx it so I wait until we are certain.

Fear

There are a few things I wanted to share. I need to share. I know there are people in my life who might listen to it, even care about it. As of this very moment, however, I don't feel like anyone has got my back, or cares. That is why I write here. There are few people who read my blog, participate, even ask questions for me to write about, and I appreciate them very much. Typically, though, not too many people read my blog; it affords me the ability to write "anonymously", have the sensation, or hold to the belief, that someone will read, understand, and empathize with it. Possibly. Well, maybe this will not get a single hit, who knows? It doesn't matter.... this is my healing session.

On Saturday morning, we all set out for the doctor's office to pick up Chandaneswar prabhu's blood report. His liver function and blood sugar were back to normal, so I was very pleased by that news. His cholesterol level was lower, but it was not a very significant drop. Initially, I did not think much of the results, but something did bother me tremendously. Our doctor mentioned that his cholesterol could be genetic, meaning, there is very little in the way of reducing it without medication. Meaning, we're screwed (but I want to say something else). In the car, I kept thinking about it, something was not letting me just shake it, brush it off, sweep it under the rug, or forget about it. I suddenly felt the onslaught of every stress, worry, anxiety, and fear. Just fear. Fear coursed through my body, I was terrified. It suddenly charged my consciousness, and there I felt utterly helpless. 

You see, we've been eating right, exercising, taking the right medications. When I say 'we', I mean the entire family. I have been there in solidarity with my husband the entire way. I never let him go the journey alone. I took on all the austerities, diets, exercise regimes myself. We've been battling Chandaneswar prabhu's health issues together for the past eight years. His blood results can fluctuate and vary greatly, even within a three months' span. Over the years, I've learned to manage my stress, and frequently bad news has a way of being deflected off me, because I know it's a roller coaster ride. Certainly, it is some type of feat. I worked really hard to stay the course, regulate our diet, and maintain an exercise routine together. This past month, I pretty much stopped working out because I was losing enough weight from our uber raw, vegan diet. As in, I eat boiled, steamed, or sauteed food occasionally. Rarely do we eat anything fried. I snack a lot, mostly on fruit and nuts. It's insane, but not nearly as insane as the juice fast I did one caturmas. 

I finally broke down. I sobbed in the car. It seemed as if all the tears in the world would not satiate my pain. The overwhelming anguish. Everything. I couldn't take it anymore. I was just tired of being strong, supportive, and optimistic. It felt as if all my work was for naught. I had nothing to show for any of it. I have nothing to show for it. I'm tired, exhausted, failing, and want to die. I want to give up. I want to face reality. I don't know what this all means. I just know it's the tip of the iceberg. There is just so much left inside, building up underneath. And there is nobody who will listen.

I still want to die. I still want to leave everything behind. 

Summer Solstice

Govinda Govinda! Yesterday was Nirjal Ekadashi, we fasted normally, and broke our fast with blueberry pancakes with maple syrup this morning. I love blueberries! We usually have them raw or in smoothies, but I realised that Krishna Chandra hadn't had pancakes in a really long time. Today I was reading a letter from Gurudev and he mentioned that we should fast from brahma-muhurta to brahma-muhurta to get the full benefit of Ekadashi, but I only wake up around 7am these days. Does that mean my fast only counts for 95% or 90%? Anyhow... these and other ponderings cloud my mind these days. Today we planned a family outing to Trinity Audubon, but it turns out that they do not allow dogs on the property-- at all. Xóchitl was looking forward to her excursion outdoors, so we headed to our old neighborhood park. We hiked along the Trinity Forest levee dike, and trekked deep into the woods until we were met with a swarm of wasps. The forest is incredibly dense and overgrown since we last hiked, maybe a couple months! We hiked for an hour back and forth, then we settled down at Rochester park for a nice picnic near the lake at noon. We were so exhausted when we came back home, we needed a cool shower and a nap. I think Xóchitl itzcuintli was happy to get her paws into nature. We will have to do it again, perhaps next time my nephews will tag along too.

I can't believe we did the hike almost exactly on the summer solstice. It seems like we do some kind of outdoor excursion on every solstice/equinoxe/lunar months and sometimes participate in sacred rituals (coincidentally). Two weeks ago, during Amavasya, we were fortunate enough to participate in a Lakota fire ceremony during a trip to the lake. First, the boys collected sticks, twigs, tinder, and leaves for the fire and helped feed the fire. Meanwhile, the shaman explained the meanings or significance of the ceremony to us. He was intrigued by our names, as it turns out he is a linguist. Almost immediately, he knew the meanings of our Sanskrit names and appreciated themfully. Then, after thoughtful prayer and reflection, we tied symbolic colored strips on the sticks, and offered them into the sacred fire. The sticks were representative of our subconscious or current journey in life. The shaman, High Eagle, interpreted the meaning of our respective offering sticks, and he had some unnervingly insightful revelations about me. The boys got some 'stone people', gemstones, from High Eagle, and it was a great learning experience for all of us.

The other day I purchased a silky, golden fabric. I wanted to make a sexy, silky sundress with it, but I have quite a few Deity outfit projects which are still incomplete. Since I have plenty of leisure time during the summer, I want to spend it on more outfits for my personal Deities, as well as the gurukula Deities. Plus, I think I have enough skirts and sundresses to last this summer. Krishna Chandra is practicing his Bengali (writing) and is taking an interest in sewing as well. Mostly he enjoys folding new origami models. Thankfully, there are plenty of origami gurus on YouTube for him to explore. 

Resolve

This blog post is directed mainly at  +Chandra Das but I'm posting it publicly because I want others to know what is going on lately and what I am thinking. I'm not really satisfied with the way I have been managing my time. I was exposed to extremely different lifestyles lately and got first hand experience, however; and I realized that in comparison to others, I was doing relatively well as far as productive activity goes.

There are a lot of people in this part of the world that believe "Time is money." As a youngster I very much disliked the phrase, feeling that only greedy and self-involved personalities were inclined to think this way. As I grew older and matured, I realised that Time, quite literally, is money and prevention is 90% of the cure and that the early bird really does get the worm and there is plenty of time to heal wounds but not to sit around doing nothing all day. So, I want to say that it's better to be be a little bit uptight about how you manage your time rather that sit around as if Time itself were waiting on you or complain about all the terrible things that happen to us in life, lamenting things that are out of one's control and thinking too much about solutions that will not manifest if we don't take matters into our own hands. Matters which could be easily resolved if one had some of his own resolve. As Srila BV Madhava Swami Maharaj would say, "You should have done yesterday."

Things that I want completed this year: I guess asking that my return to school go by effortlessly and without any struggle would be too much realistically but due to my naive and ideal mind I desire it even more.

I'm looking forward to re-dedicating ourselves to our health, education and general well-being. It may involve spiritual, emotional and other therapuetic methods and so bet it because that's better that sitting around and worrying about a tomorrow that may or may not come to pass. Particularly if it was something
we should have tackled yesterday. :P

Spiritual and ontological gaps and pitfalls are innately present within ISKCON and  present a  future danger to us and other devotees as well. We need to change our perspective in many ways and it may require us to do deeper research within our scriptural evidences to provide alternate avenues of action within Krishna Consciousness. We need more broad perspective and depth into Gaudiya philosophy rather that blindly accepting ISKCON idiom and mindset. Sometimes the advice to just chant Hare Krishna is not enough, what ever happened to the method of acquiring and accessing adhikaar? And advising or seeking advise accordingly? Why did Krishna ask Arjun to take direct action? Why did he bother instructing Arjun as to the many courses of action and their respective consequences or reactions? Maybe these are a few issues that are better directed at our spiritual masters but some are managerial. I'd like to take steps into analyzing these inherently structural problems and brainstorming for solutions that can be adapted by the general body of Vaishnavas.
I feel like I've held all this inside my brain, mind and heart for so many years and it has finally come bursting forth much like a gushing river mouth. I simply can not hold it any longer and, much like a river, I feel it is best to let her run with minimal interference. If my thoughts have overwhelmed you, please don't mind. I myself realise that like a baby calf learning to use her legs, I may not yet know how to walk but I have a good idea of where I'm headed and what I will do once I arrive. Once I get a running start, I will be unstoppable!

Hare Krishna.

Vacation Update

Last week we returned from our trip to Southern California. We flew into San Diego where our friend Lokojit gave us a wonderful tour of the town. I just have to say-- I love the environment and vibe of California. I might in fact be a California girl. Shh, don't tell my Texan friends. We went to the San Diego zoo, visited Old Town and hung out with our friend at Seaport Village.

 My friend, Rabindra is a rock artist and spends most of his day balancing rocks for large crowds of tourists and visitors. I have never seen rock balancing art live before so I enjoyed watching this process from beginning til end. It was nice to see people clamoring around these amazing artists all over Seaport Village, it's nice to know that some performance arts are still very much alive and well in certain parts of the world. I wish I'd taken more photos; alas, I was worried to death about appearing like a dumb tourist although it was the truth.

The San Diego zoo is world renowned for it's high standards and variety of animals- they even have pandas- but the zoo's most interesting feature was the zip line tram 'Skyfari'. You get a birds-eye view of the entire property, lovely historical attractions nearby and you have a quick escape from the zoo once your legs are too worn-out from walking all damned day. It was a nice adventure but next time I'll bring more sunscreen and an extra pair of legs. 

We hit up Los Angeles Ratha Yatra this year and it was, surprisingly, not as huge as I imagined it to be. I heard from devotees that this year's Rath parade was not as big but there were still many visitors at the festival grounds itself. I mean, a sea of people washed up on the beach, I have never seen that many people at a Hare Krishna event before. The parade was amazing, there were great mrdanga players and kirtan leaders keeping the crowd of devotees dancing enthusiastically, except for me. I was too busy recording and photographing the event because who knows when I'll be able to see this group of talented devotees again.

We went to Universal Studios and I wish I had never done that, Sea World, Mexico and maybe even Disneyland/world would have been better. In the words of my neighbor, "Tourist trap"

Shraddha samskar

I'm so exhausted from running, shopping, cooking, organizing, socializing and feasting that I hardly have the energy to stand. I just wanna go to my room and immerse myself in ruffles and possibly prameya-tattva, if I feel up to the intense mental strain. Everything else can go away until I come out of my cloister. Another feast is said and done and I have to say it was a huge success. My dear god-brothers are an inspiration and performers of great feats. Sripati prabhu and Srivas prabhu cooked, Sundar Gopal prabhu preformed the fire sacrifice, Divya Ratna prabhu yakked on the phone incessantly and Chandaneswar prabhu barked out orders to everyone like nobody's business. They were in and out of here like a special weapons and tactics team of culinary sciences and so forth. Now Dallas is bereft of the clamoring from this weekend. Many devotees arrived on the bus tour; talented, charming and humorous youth from all over North America came. We were fortunate enough to serve them prasadam during the lunch feast in honor of Purandar Acharya Prabhu's deceased father. Surely serving so many devotees during his shraddha ceremony will be to his spiritual benefit, I can only pray the Lord will shelter him now. I really wish I had spent more time with them when I visited, not only was the environment ideal, pristine and serene but the villagers were by far the humblest, most hospitable and honorable people I've encountered. I want to go back there right now. I feel comfortable and at home with Purandar's family, they are incredibly sweet and loving, it's hard not to feel like you've found yourself among old friends.I have just one meditation aside from living in the holy places, I know of no better abode within this material sphere. I will make sure to spend more time in their village on my next trip to India. God, I miss India.

Fossil Rim Wildlife Park

Today I woke up early, cooked, offered, worshiped my Lordships, had a quick pancake breakfast, packed a picnic lunch, some supplies and left early in the morning toward Glen Rose, Texas listening to kirtan the entire way. It's been my desire to visit this lovely town again for a couple years, mainly for the riverbed fossil digs and it's awesome wildlife park-- Fossil Rim. It's been many years since I went there but I still vividly remember the lovely nature walk, feeding wild animals in close proximity and the sheer adventure of not knowing what you'd dig up next. Picnics, walks through the state park, wading in the river. ::sigh::
 Krishna Chandra is totally in love with the place, I'm even considering a membership. Chandaneswar is excited to visit Dinosaur Valley State Park; next time we plan on rising even earlier and heading straight to the dig and then hit up Fossil Rim after an outdoor picnic to feed the variety of horned creatures. I can wait to visit again! I have photographs of all the exotic, endangered and near-extinct species from all over the world but I'll upload those later.. when I'm feeling more inclined to deal with that. Right now, I need a relaxing shower, sringar, some Bengali padavali tunes and electrolytes because tomorrow is Ekadaśi and I absolutely must recover from today's wildlife excursion. And to wash some of that soft water off of me. : p 

Routines

Today we joined our jogging partners on the trail; Krishna Chandra stayed at the park with his friends while we ran and the daddies stayed behind to keep an eye on them. I have to say, it's nice to get away from the family once in a while and get some alone time. I wasn't exactly alone, my jogging partner and I were yakking on about everything under the sun and some landscapers were on the trail for grounds maintenance. I saw a coyote on our way back. I'm certain it was coyote but she doesn't believe it. I'm thinking of taking my camera next time to take photos like I used to do before. Then I can definitively prove it was a coyote, not that I want to confront the damn coyote anyhow.

Good news! I have improved my kefir brew. I started adding an extra two cups of milk to the bowl of kefir grains and it has developed into a perfectly balanced tart and smooth concoction. I really like this kefir because it's milder than the first batches but still has a little kick. And we have frickin' ton of it. :D Chandaneswar loves kefir, he drinks about two cups a day. It's so creamy and thick! I still can't believe it was so easy to make all along. I feel like a preacher going on and on about kefir and it's glories. It's delicious and I don't have trouble digesting spicier foods when I drink a glass of kefir an hour or more after dinner. I still stay away from oily and rich subjis but it's nice to eat a cheese quesadilla and not get a sore throat and mucous the next morning.

So, these are two activities that have worked their way into my daily routine along with morning Deity worship, cooking and offerings, a midday nap and my evening devotional reading and journaling.

Nature Trail

Krishna Chandra's eyes are better but he got sick over the weekend with a cough and fever. Something reassuring: Krishna Chandra's doctor advised us to use duct tape on his wart. Apparently the wart will not be able to breathe and slowly shrink away. Duct tape fixes everything. I kept him home yesterday so he could rest up and recover. I stayed up all night with him because he had a fever, exhausted and weakened from sleep deprivation, I finally broke down and got sick myself. I went to the doctor first thing in the morning yesterday and he said I had strep throat. Oh happy day! Luckily, I caught it really early. I'm very sensitive and aware of my body so I knew something was wrong that night, I gargled with peroxide but I think that only made the streptococcus angry. I forget the full name, don't ask me. I'm taking my antibiotic course carefully so I can get over this bug as quickly as humanly possible. We went for a brisk walk this morning and it was nice, we didn't jog but that's fine, I don't want to stress my body these next few days. I couldn't go out yesterday but at least I got plenty of sleep. I saw a dead lizard on the trail this morning, it's  gross but it's a valid memory nonetheless. I saw a gorgeous blue jay, a cottontail rabbit and another red bird, it might have been a woodpecker but I'm not sure, his head was red but he was too far away for me to get a good look at his body or any patterns. I should probably invest in a good pair of binoculars. It would be especially useful when I'm in India since I love spying on the neighbors. It helps that we have a second-story roof and balcony where I can chill out with a bowl of mangoes and watch all the commotion. The other night (same night KC had a fever and I had the tingling, itchy throat sensation) someone got pulled over in front of my house and I nearly ripped the blinds from their holder trying to see what the hell was going on over there. Some dude, two cops, no arrests. Blah. Boring. I found out my neighbor waters his lawn at night, I wonder if that's why his lawn looks so great? I've been watching a very interesting television series called The Colony and I can't stop but it's alright because Chandaneswar is sleeping, the chores are done, Krishna Chandra is in school and I managed to clean the whole house, well, most of it. Krishna Chandra's room still needs some spring cleaning and re-arranging but that can wait until next week. It's not urgent. I'm planning to move the formal couch into my room and put the sofa-bed in his room so he can nap in there during the afternoons and whatnot, host his little friends and watch movies.. I can't wait until summer, I'm gonna bust outta here as soon as I can. God, Dallas drives me nuts.

Active-ity

Pencil skirt and blouse in gauze.

I finished a couple projects and wanted to photograph my work so I could share with you. I started a pencil skirt recently because I wanted a little change in my wardrobe and I thought a fitted
short skirt would be a pleasant change. The blouse is a little big, though; I measured everything generously but neglected to look over the finished garment sizes. Apparently, the garment has a lot of ease designed into it already, so I ended up with a blouse two sizes too big and I had to take it in. I still have to do some adjustments but I'll make sure to look over my patterns more carefully next time. Maybe I'll wrap it up and give it to my sister or mom. :)

I finished the first of Autumn Reflections doily, it's beautiful; now that I know the pattern, I want to start making several and piece them together. Chandaneswar requested that I give the first one to Srila Prabhupada, for his table. I'm weaving the ends and blocking as we speak. The written pattern is available at this site, you can check it out for yourself!

Close-up of Autumn Reflections

Well, that's all I wanted to write about today. Chandaneswar prabhu has been suggesting several documentaries for me to watch lately, I thought that all this sitting should do some good, so I started crocheting or sewing while I watch. The result is that I have successfully multi-tasked my way into several new outfits. Hurray. The weather has been really nice, during the Ram Navami festival, the kids had a little carnival, you can check out more photos of the fun games and crafts they did at my online album. Beautiful Garden, Spring Carnival, Ram Nauvami.

It's not you, it's me.

Something simply hilarious occurred to me today. I deactivated my Facebook account because I wanted more privacy and I get carried away and spend too much time there. Well, I've been deleting 'friends' as a routine 'friend-check'. A few months ago, I almost told someone, "It's not you, it's me." when she asked me why I deleted her. It sounded like I was breaking up with her...so I stopped myself and gave her an explanation; she wasn't mad, in fact, she laughed it off and we talked about facebooking, culture etc. This kept happening, I'd delete acquaintances, vamp up my security settings and fall back into the Facebook trap. Eventually people would ask me why I deleted them, we'd catch up offline, I'd them as friends online again, we'd distance ourselves again and I'd delete them again. It was stupid. I knew it wasn't their fault, it's was my fault. The deactivation is temporary (at least, that's what I told Facebook, shh) but it's okay if you pass this message along. Tell that no-good, opportunistic bastard that I said, "It's not you, it's me."
Today, Krishna Chandra went telling someone our weekend plans to watch some karmi movies... my husband told me that we have to teach him how to keep his big, fat trap shut. I said that, not Chandaneswar. I realised that it doesn't matter if I have Facebook or not because Krishna Chandra will never learn to control his tongue. He'll go around telling everyone our personal information and yakking all over town about what movies we're gonna watch at the drive-in and what snacks we're gonna eat while we're there. If someone wanted to spy on us, all he'd have to do is coax Krishna Chandra into talking with some maha cookies or cake. Simple. I think most kids are like that, they don't shut their mouth and they air all of their parents dirty laundry publicly. Thankfully, Chandaneswar and I don't have any actual dirty laundry or secrets. The worst of our secrets being that we drink coffee on the rare occasion, if I have a migraine or something. Oooohhh. Big whoop.