Finding Heart

Sri Sri Guru-Gauranga Jayatah!

Dandavat pranam. Jay Srila Prabhupad!

I hope this letter finds you in good health and sound mind.

Lately I feel like I have fallen slack in my devotional service and spiritual practice. Truly, I normally ignore my exhaustion and try my best to re-commit myself each morning, each moment of every day. Over a decade ago, HH Rtadhvaja Swami advised me that the best strategy was to take Krishna Consciousness a day at a time. I realized immediately that if I thought about the long-term goal, at some point, the goal might seem unattainable. For my fickle and immature mind, it would be easier to endeavor only in baby steps. Everyday I followed those wise instructions and maintained my vows to the best of my ability. I endeavored patiently, slowly chiseling away at a lifelong vow of loyalty to Krishna, Guru, and Gauranga in hopes of attaining the highest goal-- prema-bhakti. 

I loved my god-siblings, served them, followed their wisdom, asked their advice and so on. At times, I felt pressured to accept first initiation but I resisted the temptation to rush such an important commitment until I was certain. After years of contemplating, I accepted first initiation in the company of sweet vaishnavs and celebrated my spiritual birth. I remember that day clearly. I tearfully circumambulated the sacrificial fire in ecstasy knowing I had found spiritual shelter. That was seven years ago this Balaram Purnima. Over these past seven years, I have realized that I am a fraud. I have lost sight of my eternal self, service, name, identity, and mood. I followed the rules and regulations with unyielding zeal. I only cared about following protocol. I learned to sit properly, dress properly, behave properly, speak properly, and think properly but I did not learn to love properly. I did not love anyone or anything properly. I did not even love myself properly because I was too busy contorting myself to fit into a box properly. More recently, I found a sanga where I feel accepted, welcomed, and loved. I found a wonderful place where I do not have to contort myself to fit in. I found vaishnavs with kindness and acceptance at the core of their hearts, with warmth and affection I did not find at temple. One day, as I was reciting my pranams to the acharya sampraday and my ishtha-devatas, I realized I was never going to fit in. Indeed, it is impossible to push a square cog into a round hole. As I slowly uttered, “ananta koti vaishnava vrinda ki” I felt hollow inside and realized though I may offer my prostrate obeisance to hundreds, thousands, even millions of vaishnavs, I will never quite be up to par. I will never be counted among them. What's more, I do not want to fit in. I know I will never be good enough. No matter how hard I contort, distort, repress and suppress myself, I will never feel good enough. I want to be myself and be accepted. I want to feel loved. I do not want to be part of a society where I feel pressured to fake it and go through the motions. I do not want to be part of a community in which appearances means more than sincerity and intention. I do not want to be part of a society wherein one is reprimanded for speaking frankly and honestly and gloried for being delusional and duplicitous. I ask myself if there is something wrong with me for feeling this way but each time I do so, I hear a resounding and overwhelming, "No!" 

I want a heart because I lost mine somewhere along the way. 

Apnar kinkar

Lakshmi Puja/Damodara Mas

Yesterday we celebrated Lakshmi puja at our home. I lightly decorated the porch and sidewalk after sweeping and washing it. I purified my home with cow dung smoke and incense, and then set an altar for Lakshmi devi. I bathed my Lakshmi Narasimhadev with milk, yogurt, ghee, honey, and sugar water. Chandaneswar prabhu performed arati, while  Krishna Chandra and his cousins bathed the deities and offered ghee lamps to Lord Damodar. I was really satisfied with our simple but devoted puja. 

Later, I went to offer a ghee lamp at Radha Kalachandji's temple, and took some photos with my camera phone. Radha Kalachandji were bedecked in jewels and donning a luminescent white outfit. Shining brighter than a thousand moons, Kalachandji and Sri Radhe glanced gracefully and captivated the hearts of Their admirers. I can not describe how fortunte I am to have Their mercy.

It is impossible to describe the saundarya quality of Radha Kalachandji fully.
I can only allude to Their exquisite beauty in unworthy fragments. 

Hell Yeah!

Lately, it has been my objective to express myself with a clear, strong, and confident voice. You can take that literally or figuratively, but chances are I'm on it.
A couple of years ago I made a goal to study music and practice my instruments: violin, harmonium, mridanga, and voice. Music became my sadhana, it was my yogic practice and breathing exercise combined. I prayed and offered respect to Goddess Saraswati, Lord Balaram, and my instruments for blessings. I sought out teachers, masters, and friends to guide and support me.
Voice, however, is the hardest instrument for me to have a command over. Even though I've been told I have a good voice, I've always enjoyed humming privately, and I wake up early in the morning to practice my scales, I still hesitate when it comes to singing in public.
This semester I registered for a sight singing and ear training class to change all of that. Suddenly, I am expected to sing in front of my peers and do it well. For good measure, I throw in some confidence with a dash of self-deprecating humour. My classmates are a load of laughs, incredibly talented, and down-to-earth folk. I don't think I could have happened upon better practice buddies.
I'm really thankful for this class.
I'm thankful that Lord Balaram guided me down this path.
I'm thankful to Goddess Saraswati who has shown me great favour.
There are a lot of things that suddenly make sense about me, realizations about my inner self, mind, and soul that are powerfully illuminating.
Love, anger, lust, and ego all make sense, but most of all my life path makes sense.
Recently a friend and mentor asked me, "Do you feel that your whole life has been leading up to this moment?"
You already know what I said.

More Realizations

Lately, I've been spending a lot of time with my personal journal, one of the reasons I'm blogging less these days. I've acquired several diaries over the years from friends and family and started journal keeping in all of them. Over the years my writing was scattered over several journals, if you wanted a complete understanding of my life, you'd need all seven or eight or... I lost count. It's ridiculous, that's not even counting the composition books and notebooks I purchased on my own. I decided a while back that I would finish writing in one journal exclusively before moving onto the next one, reverting back to their chronological order in which they were received. I'm writing in the black duct-taped one now, I'm lining it in pencil so I can also work on my penmanship. I'm also practicing my Bengali along with my English alphabet to refine my handwriting and make it something more consistent. I found a nice website about Italics and other handwriting that I'd like to share with you-- Italic Handwriting Directory-- it is really neat and a great place to admire lovely penmanship, even if you're not familiar with calligraphy, you'll certainly fall in love with the beautiful style and elegance therein.

Right now I'm working on a cardigan called Chevron Lace cardigan, the pattern is available from the crafter herself at her blog, it's a wonderful site but unfortunately it's inactive. You can still find her patterns at Ravelry and I love the simple cardigan pattern so far. Still making several doilies in the Autumn Reflections pattern. And yes, I really do need that many doilies. Why in the world am I working a cardigan in the middle of spring? It has occurred to me that it's best to work your winter patterns in the spring or summer, that way you get more time to plan and make changes to your finished work before it's ready to wear. Also, I desired a caplet or shawl for hanging around the house, it's not so strange if you think about it. Over here in the land of central air conditioning and wooden crawl spaces, the houses are always chilly, drafty or just plain freezing. Especially in the summer.

Last night I got really sick with food poisoning and even though I was deathly ill, somehow I still managed to meditate and focus on the Holy Name. Sri Harinam helps me a lot when I'm in trouble, ill, mentally or emotionally disturbed. I chant constantly, aloud or silently, and beg the Name to reveal truth to my heart. I prayed and cried out to the Lord, I wanted mental clarity and strength. When I get sick, I start to panic and fear the worst case scenario, panicking only worsens my condition, so I try my best to control my mind. I tried my best to chant, keep myself calm and surrendered to the shelter of Sri Nityananda Swarup.
Of course, I always get these really wonderful realizations, it seems kind of macabre to say it but the day afterward, I relish it. I can reflect on the Lord's mercy and how he reveals Himself at our weakest hours. Last night's realizations were exactly what I was praying for these past several months. I couldn't unlock this code for the life of me. I knew it would  take a huge blow to the head for it to sink in, and boy, was I right! The Lord is so merciful, if you simply cry, beg, plead with a sincere heart for His shelter, He'll make proper arrangements and reveal tattva to you when the time is appropriate. Another thing I realized, it's through the process of purging that we rid ourselves of impurities, sometimes we have to endure that painful process, since we have so many anarthas in our hearts, it takes a long time. With forbearance and determination we can make it to our desired goal but we pray for the spriritual strength and endurance of Lord Nityananda Ram, otherwise the journey is implausible. We just have to keep on trekking, no matter what. Determination, patience and enthusiasm- that is the instruction of Sri Rupa Goswamipad.

Jay Sri Sri Guru Gouranga! Jay Nityananda Balaram! Jaya Sri Hari nama!
♫ Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare Hare Ram Hare Ram Ram Ram Hare Hare ♪

Winter Tidings

Happy Govardhan Puja, Diwali, Kali Puja, Bali Daityaraj Puja!

To all the readers,
I want to extend a happy and hearty Holiday greeting from my family to yours. Tomorrow is Srila Prabhupada's Disappearance day, next week Gopastami and Jagaddhatri Puja and I pray that the blessings of the Lord and His exalted servants be with you and your loved ones this holiday season.
The holidays are wonderful and magical time, especially with the season change, everything has a lovely misty glaze to it. The night comes early and lingers with a damp and misty dew, sometimes remaining as fog in the morning; the butterflies have disappeared and the birds are seeking refuge in their winter oasis. What will become of me? This winter I feel like a lovely transformation is taking place within me and all around. For my Karttik vows, I have taken up some external austerities in order to approach self-realization but the greatest austerities, I believe, are those taking place right within my own heart, body and mind. The daily struggle of the mind and heart is my greatest challenge. At times I conquer valiantly and at other times, I am conquered and remain despondent in utter defeat. Normally, I'm never sure what to do during winter except for crochet, yoga, write and jumprope in my cloister; I fear the cold and rainy weather and prefer to remain under a gloomy spell indoors for most of winter. This year, however, I feel the desire to run out and embrace the sharp and biting winter air. Welcome the harshness. Inhale the cold. Walk with Winter.
Hare Krishna!

Parting Words

My Dearest Heath,

Heath, Heath, Heath! Where have you gone to now? I can only speculate but I will pray earnestly that you find your way back home, back to the lotus feet of the Lord. Why did you have to enchant us with your witty jokes and charm? Now all I have left of you are conversations and memories of playful times. Wonderful times. You always knew how to make everyone laugh-- even the teachers would crack up! We were all drawn in by your magnetic personality; we couldn't help being drawn in just like bees towards honey. I wonder if you will be entertaining the angels and demigods in the heavenly planets? I imagine you will. Mostly, I wonder if I was a good enough friend to you or if you resented me. I never had the courage to ask you and simply bear the truth. Can I ever forgive myself for it? I don't know, man, but I will sure as hell try. Will you please forgive me and love me anyhow? Please, pray for us-- everyone you've left behind-- and offer us your blessings as you journey onward. Oh, and Heath, don't forget to write! : P Hehe.
We love you, Heath. We'll miss you immensely and never forget you! May the lotus feet of the Supremely Sweet Sri Krishna be upon you very soon. May Sri Radhe along with Her intimate maid-servants bestow Their blessings and love upon you.  Jaya Sri Radhe! Jaya Bhakti-pradayini Srimati Tulasi Devi, Vrinda Devi Maharani! Jaya Srila Prabhupada! Gauranga! Nityananda!  Hare Krishna!
Your friend,
 Madri devi dasi 

Mercy Killing

Again this morning I'm struggling with my mind and thoughts of suicide. The other day, yesterday actually, I found an old letter from Catherine Linebarger, as if by instinct, and the contents brought me to tears. Its dated 11.27.00, from almost eleven years ago and still going strong! I've reprinted it here with the authors permission for you. I hope it lends the reader love and light as it has done for me throughout the years, giving me strength to continue the fight.

Melissa,                                                                                                      11.27.00

This is your best friend Kat. You know you love me =). I never tell you how much you mean to me but you mean a lot. I always worry about you. I don't know why. You are the first person I have truly been afraid for. I know your life isn't the best but there is a reason God put you with those people. I really care about you and it scares me when you talk about suicide. Even if you don't mean it, the thought is in your head too much for it to be a joke. I always pray for you. I don't understand what you believe only that you know God is there. I accept whoever you are and you are a great person who seems to confuse me the more I get to know you. I will never know who you really are; you have so many sides. I don't mind. Your friendship is worth the time it takes to get to know you. The Real you. =)

♥† -Kat-

I've been wrestling with my depression and feelings of hopelessness for twenty years, on my own with no therapy or drugs (to speak of) and still to this day its a battle that is increasingly tough to fight.  Every time I spiral downward it seems I grow weaker and my situation becomes more hopeless. With each battle I grow more but I'm also thoroughly exhausted and left with little, if any, will to continue the fight. Each moment further deteriorates my defenses and I find myself praying and begging for a sudden death. "Please Lord, take me out of my misery, please euthanize me."

As much as I dwell on death or suicide, I can't go through with it, not now at least. Over the years I have concluded that I'm too much of a coward to go through with it anyway. Right now I have my dear husband and sweet son to care for, without them I have no life, no friends, no love to speak of. I pray for mental relief and strength to control the mind. Patience, strength, time. I know this spell will pass eventually; given its temporary nature, everything in the material existence, matter and subtle matter alike dissipate into Eternal Time. Until then, I acknowledge Śri Krishna as the only Eternal and Complete Truth and therefore my only shelter-- so, I simply beg the Lord to release me from my miserable condition, somehow or other. This body is a burden, growing more tired, weak and restless everyday. It  would be a mercy killing, after all. I take shelter and remember this verse, speaking directly to my mind and soul, I beg them to accept virtuous truth:

vaco vegam manasa-krodha vegam

jihwa vegam udaropastha vegam

etan vegan yo visaheta dhirah

sarvam apinam prithivim sa sishyat

Whomever can control the urges of speech, mind, anger, tongue, belly and gentials can establish disciples all over the world (conquer the world). -Srila Rupa Goswami

Amar Sudhu Pakhar Haowah

I wanted to narrate a funny story my father-in-law told me, it's in Bengali but I've translated it into American English to be more understandable. It's about a sneaky disciple who engages his Guru's last dime in his own service.  Gosai is short for 'Goswami' or master of the senses. Thakur means 'Lord' or 'Master', these are reverential titles awarded to spiritual masters. When the spiritual master visits the disciple's home, it is customary to offer him worship, service, sanctified foods, clothes, flowers, garlands and money in a pleasing way.

One fine morning a guru arrived at the home of his sisya; the disciple was very elated to see his spiritual master after a long absence. "O' Thakur, please come inside!" he invited the Gosai in and with all hospitality offered him a seat and refreshments. The disciple spoke, "Gosai, please take your bath while I go to market and prepare you a nice feast! I will personally make all the arrangements." While Thakur Gosai changed into his towel, the disciple slipped into his Gurudev's wallet and took all the cash. Happily, the disciple headed off to market to procure the ingredients for a fine feast, garlands, flowers, incense and new clothes and spent every last rupee. Upon his return he toiled over the stove and prepared a wonderful meal, delicious sweets and refreshing drinks. Meanwhile, Gosai returned fresh and smiling from his bath in the sacred Ganga; the disciple seated Thakur Gosai, offered him new silk clothes, currency, opulent worship and prasad. After enjoying the magnificent meal, Thakur Gosai reclined in his seat while his faithful disciple fanned him with a huge peacock feather fan. Appreciating such devoted service, Gosai praised his disciple, "My dear disciple, I am very pleased and flattered by your loving acts of devotion. You offer me your home, food, money, and hard work; everything you have engaged in my service. You are indeed a very dedicated disciple." Speaking in this way the Guru beamed with love, understanding to have acquired a magnanimous student by the favor of Divine Grace. The disciple very humbly spoke, 

"Only the fan's breeze is my own."

"গোসাই, সাব কিছু আপনার, আমার সুধু  পাখার হাওয়া." 

"My Lord, everything belongs to you, I am simply fanning you."

Guru Business

I got annoyed with someone today when the first question he asked me was "which is your guru?" I may have over-reacted but still, how would you feel if someone walks up to you on the street and asks your political affiliation, your insurance, etc and makes a decision about you based on that alone. Of course, this always annoys the hell out of me, in ISKCON it has become acceptable to greet someone thus, "Haribol, who's your guru?" WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE? Haven't you any manners or etiquette? I don't even know your name, and you don't know mine but you think its okay to introduce yourself like that? I don't like this guru-business.. "This guru" "That guru" "His guru" "My guru" "Their guru" "our Guru" and most of all guru-preachers. You've probably met a guru-preacher but were too shocked and dismayed to say anything and were probably at a loss for words. You probably couldn't even believe the audacity of the person or that he was saying these things so you had to slap yourself once or twice through the duration of the whole ordeal.
"MY gurudev is very advanced, he is a pure devotee, he has this bhava, he has that rasa, he is so nectarean, he is so transcendental, he's a maha-bhagavat, most merciful" its an obvious materialistic comparison that I dislike altogether.You can not compare rasa and bhava like material qualities, you can not compare gurus against each other, because all spiritual qualifications are equally important and relishable. Its like saying "More pregnant, most pregnant etc." Preggers is preggers... idiots. Yes, some mellows are more intimate but that doesn't mean that your guru is better than someone else because he relishes a particular taste. Indirectly it means, "My guru is better because of such and such reason, other gurus can not compare with mine because his spiritual mellows are obviously superior." Sometimes the guru-preaching is not even so subtle, sometimes the disciples will come right out and say it. "Our gurudev is far superior, he is offering something that you can not get elsewhere, he is a pure devotee of the Lord. You should take shelter of my guru and accept initiation only from him." Luckily, this is also a good way to sort out the people to avoid from those you want to approach for siksha and guidance. I was lucky to run into a Prabhupada disciple who sat down with me and discussed at length my attraction to many gurus. He didn't say I had to stick with only one but that they were all wonderful Godbrothers and very qualified but I would eventually have to chose one diksha guru, that didn't mean I had to give up my attachment for the other Gurus as well. Then he asked me "Did you have a particular one in mind?" I said, "Yes, I have an inclination towards one" He was so elated to find out and continued to tell me all about how he loved my spiritual master so much and that I had made a good choice. I took it as as Krishna's indication and fixed my mind that day.
Another thing, there is a huge clique culture and segregation system within devotee communities that is rooted with Guru. "If you're my godbrother that automatically makes you my best friend" and everyone else is unqualified somehow. Godbrothers will sit and talk together during programs and festivals, they only talk to other devotees if they are aspiring for their guru or they actively preach their Guru to newcomers without restraint. Not just gurus though, devotees segregate themselves according to nationality and race as well, I've noticed how the Russians sit with other Russians, Asians with Asians, Indians with Indians, whites, blacks, Latinos, etc.. and you can't say its a language barrier because everyone in ISKCON regardless of nationality and race speaks some English if not excellent English. How embarrassing... and we say we're not these bodies.

Some realisations and depressions...

Okay I wanted to write in my blog about something but haven't anything in mind at the time. Let me ramble like this for a while, and see if anything comes up. Today, prabhu made gulab jamuns, we went to the market, registered the car, dropped the gulab jamuns at motel, Krishna Chandra threw a huge fit...a super huge fit, then I came home, prabhu 'honored' my crappy prasadam.... crappy prasadam, I mean really crappy. My cooking doesn't even compare by one iota to the delectable preparations that my prabhu offers to the Lord. Right now, I'm on the phone with my prabhu and talking about the movie 'Noise'. We don't have ghee wicks so prabhu is gonna make some more, he's gonna make for the temple too... I think prabhu does a lot of service for/at the temple, but I don't do anything for the temple. It's obvious that the Lord prefers his service over mine, he has been doing Tulasi puja in my stead for several weeks now. Sometimes that makes me feel really crappy and useless. I don't render any good service, everything I do is sloppy. Sometimes, I think that I don't 'do' enough and whatever I do isn't good enough. The time factor is my enemy. I don't think I get enough service time for myself. I want 'me' time; I want to spend more time doing my own projects and forgetting about the outside world. I could sew outfits and make jewelry, cook rich, elaborate bhoga for Gopal... I dunno... it's not enough, 24 hours isn't enough. Opportunistic people.... God, I can't stand them. When someone tries to take advantage of you when they know you are down and out... what kind of cruel person do you have to be? That is one feeling that I can't escape, this nagging feeling that everyone wants to use me and my husband; nobody asks us how we are doing, nobody is our well-wisher or friend. Everyone wants to just take advantage of our, well... not my, but my husband's generosity and inherently good-nature. He has trouble saying no and turning people down, especially when it comes to devotional service. That's just his nature, very gentle and very tolerant. He totally pisses me off.. I wish I could be more like him but I'm just a reckless slob. The whole thing is depressing, disappointing and disillusioning. Maybe I should not discuss this too much, I get in a terrible mood and I know how I get when I'm in a terrible mood. When these feelings overwhelm my mind, I think I should give up and live alone in the god damn wilderness somewhere, where nobody but the wild beasts know I exist. I wonder how would that be? That reminds me, one time Vakresvara Pundit prabhu gave a class about this, he mentioned that when someone says "I just want to be alone." that it is only Maya. In fact he is right, it is an illusion to think we can find 'peace' in the material world, or that by remaining isolated we will be happy. I agree wholeheartedly, the liberation of the brahmajyoti is like that, you are 'liberated' in the Lord's effulgence but in total isolation. Regardless of the fact that one is liberated, still one hankers for some kind of association, it is nearly impossible to remain happy in that kind of situation. That is why everyone "falls down" from that position yet again. It's been my understanding that the material world is a completely and utterly useless and depressing place since I was a very little girl. At least five years old... I remember thinking very clearly that the material world was completely vacant and hollow, I wanted out. Immediately. I prayed for some answer, "Why am I here? What did I do wrong? Why am I suffering?" That same frustration still haunts me to this very day.. who can escape the pangs of material suffering? I actually enjoy my thought process, however daunting and depressing it may seem, because in the bigger scheme of things you find real happiness. Eternal happiness, joy, bliss... no more suffering, no more distress. Some people think that this train of thinking is depressing and that one must rid oneself of it immediately but that is not the right solution. The material world is designed to keep your dreams just slightly out of reach. You're always endeavoring for more and never happy with whatever you have. You can liken the material world to chasing after a mirage or an ass chasing a dangling carrot before his eyes. You can keep on trying but you will never taste the results, you may even go mad before you reach your final destination. The material world is a good place for purifying oneself of sinful habits and tastes. You keep seeing the ray of light at the end of the tunnel but just when you think it's going to get better, it gets worse. Finally one will give up and ask, "What's the point? Why am I endeavoring like this? Where is the Supreme Lord? How can I escape the material suffering and get real happiness? What is the real goal of life?"
Just search out the Lord, then you will find happiness.

Catholic Devotees

Last night I had a funny dream, well I don't whether to call it funny or inspiring but I didn't contemplate it deeply in the beginning to understand some more hidden meanings. So, I was taking notes in class(strange because I'm not a college student) which was actually not a classroom but a cathedral hall and our professor was actually a priest dressed in his full priestly attire, robes and all. I assume that I was taking a religion or theology class but I don't know, maybe he was teaching us Economics! I wasn't weirded out at all by my priest-professor or the fact that I saw a lot of devotees and gurukulis taking the same class and sitting in the pews. What weirded me out was a bunch a brahmacharis, a group of about 10-15 young boys(they were hardly 18-19 yrs old) clad in saffron robes and sitting in the pews along with everyone else. They were really shy and quiet, they only spoke among themselves in soft whispers and were extremely sensitive to the presense of women, especially young girls. They sat with each other and seemed kind of afraid to look at the females. Needless to say, they didn't behave like any brahmacharis I know. Okay, I know it doesn't make sense, right? If there were devotees in the class then why would it be so weird to see brahmacharis as well, right? Wrong! These celibate monks were not ordinary brahmacaris from the traditional Gaudiya Vaishnava Sampradaya like the other devotees I mentioned. They were wearing saffron robes, dhotis and kurtas, but none of them kept a sikha or Tulasi kanthi-mala or tilak even! I wondered to myself, "Now what the hell is going on here, why are those brahmacharis not dressed properly?" Okay, so what maybe they're from another sect? No, apparently, the Catholic church, along with other Christian churches, had adopted varnasrama-dharma and mandated all the young men of the congregation to wear saffron robes like brahmacaris. When I realised that they weren't Vaishnava devotees but Catholic devotees, then I thought, "Oh that does explain alot!" I think that the rule included all males aged under 25, regardless if he was pursuing marriage or priesthood he would have to remain a brahmacari (and wear saffron robes) until the age of 25, marriage or acceptance into the priesthood. Wow, I wonder if this broad acceptance of varnasrama-dharma will ever come to pass within my lifetime?