Thursday, May 28, 2009

Some realisations and depressions...

Okay I wanted to write in my blog about something but haven't anything in mind at the time. Let me ramble like this for a while, and see if anything comes up. Today, prabhu made gulab jamuns, we went to the market, registered the car, dropped the gulab jamuns at motel, Krishna Chandra threw a huge fit...a super huge fit, then I came home, prabhu 'honored' my crappy prasadam.... crappy prasadam, I mean really crappy. My cooking doesn't even compare by one iota to the delectable preparations that my prabhu offers to the Lord. Right now, I'm on the phone with my prabhu and talking about the movie 'Noise'. We don't have ghee wicks so prabhu is gonna make some more, he's gonna make for the temple too... I think prabhu does a lot of service for/at the temple, but I don't do anything for the temple. It's obvious that the Lord prefers his service over mine, he has been doing Tulasi puja in my stead for several weeks now. Sometimes that makes me feel really crappy and useless. I don't render any good service, everything I do is sloppy. Sometimes, I think that I don't 'do' enough and whatever I do isn't good enough. The time factor is my enemy. I don't think I get enough service time for myself. I want 'me' time; I want to spend more time doing my own projects and forgetting about the outside world. I could sew outfits and make jewelry, cook rich, elaborate bhoga for Gopal... I dunno... it's not enough, 24 hours isn't enough. Opportunistic people.... God, I can't stand them. When someone tries to take advantage of you when they know you are down and out... what kind of cruel person do you have to be? That is one feeling that I can't escape, this nagging feeling that everyone wants to use me and my husband; nobody asks us how we are doing, nobody is our well-wisher or friend. Everyone wants to just take advantage of our, well... not my, but my husband's generosity and inherently good-nature. He has trouble saying no and turning people down, especially when it comes to devotional service. That's just his nature, very gentle and very tolerant. He totally pisses me off.. I wish I could be more like him but I'm just a reckless slob. The whole thing is depressing, disappointing and disillusioning. Maybe I should not discuss this too much, I get in a terrible mood and I know how I get when I'm in a terrible mood. When these feelings overwhelm my mind, I think I should give up and live alone in the god damn wilderness somewhere, where nobody but the wild beasts know I exist. I wonder how would that be? That reminds me, one time Vakresvara Pundit prabhu gave a class about this, he mentioned that when someone says "I just want to be alone." that it is only Maya. In fact he is right, it is an illusion to think we can find 'peace' in the material world, or that by remaining isolated we will be happy. I agree wholeheartedly, the liberation of the brahmajyoti is like that, you are 'liberated' in the Lord's effulgence but in total isolation. Regardless of the fact that one is liberated, still one hankers for some kind of association, it is nearly impossible to remain happy in that kind of situation. That is why everyone "falls down" from that position yet again. It's been my understanding that the material world is a completely and utterly useless and depressing place since I was a very little girl. At least five years old... I remember thinking very clearly that the material world was completely vacant and hollow, I wanted out. Immediately. I prayed for some answer, "Why am I here? What did I do wrong? Why am I suffering?" That same frustration still haunts me to this very day.. who can escape the pangs of material suffering? I actually enjoy my thought process, however daunting and depressing it may seem, because in the bigger scheme of things you find real happiness. Eternal happiness, joy, bliss... no more suffering, no more distress. Some people think that this train of thinking is depressing and that one must rid oneself of it immediately but that is not the right solution. The material world is designed to keep your dreams just slightly out of reach. You're always endeavoring for more and never happy with whatever you have. You can liken the material world to chasing after a mirage or an ass chasing a dangling carrot before his eyes. You can keep on trying but you will never taste the results, you may even go mad before you reach your final destination. The material world is a good place for purifying oneself of sinful habits and tastes. You keep seeing the ray of light at the end of the tunnel but just when you think it's going to get better, it gets worse. Finally one will give up and ask, "What's the point? Why am I endeavoring like this? Where is the Supreme Lord? How can I escape the material suffering and get real happiness? What is the real goal of life?"
Just search out the Lord, then you will find happiness.
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