The Disciple's Vow

At times I feel overwhelmed, alone and afraid. I don't even recognize myself sometimes and I feel as if I've transformed into an entirely different person. I've learned that, like a marriage, it is impossible for one to truly know their spiritual partner. One could spend his or her entire life with someone and still have a shallow or incomplete understanding of that individual. A spiritual master may see only what representation the disciple portrays of him/herself. (The eternal spiritual master who resides in the heart, Sri Guru, however, is never fooled.)
Disciples frequently lack the maturity or complexity to understand the desire and wishes of the spiritual master. Likewise, it is daunting to understand the Self. While the pact between master and disciple is before God to each other, allegiance in spiritual life is also an allegiance to the Self. The disciple is obligated to act always in his spiritual best interest. By no exaggeration, it is the primary priority of the initiated disciple to remain chaste to her eternal spiritual identity and duty. Failure to do so would hamper all progress and lead her astray; in fact, such misgivings could turn her away from the spiritual path entirely if given to offenses and accumulated misconceptions.
I do not know my Self. I do not understand my Self. I've often succumbed to doubt, temptation, fear and, most of all, hesitation. I fear to act, speak, feel or think for fear that it may not be palatable to others. I fear that my actions could be misconstrued or condemned or deemed reckless. I've found few things that truly bring me joy-- music, martial arts, and dedicated study. I've found that often I learn more valuable lessons in pursuit of mundane knowledge than in a dry discourse. I've seen drug addicts, addicts of the flesh, gamblers and so-called lost souls with more humanity, compassion and wisdom to offer than even the most weathered practitioner in temple. I find their lessons most valuable, relevant and influential-- for they remind me that the Lord can lead anyone back Home just as easily as illusion can lead her astray.
O Keshava! I've seen You staring back at me in the pages of a book. I have seen the Lord-- He was hidden between scribbled notes on the page. The Lord was found in careful arithmetic and calculations, in the relaxed breath between poetic phrases, dancing amid notes on sheet music. He was intelligence, beauty, an exasperated sigh and fluent understanding breaching forth from the page. I felt the Divinity within myself, around me, encoded within the multiverse, and brimming forth unbounded! I felt alone in this realization as I feared no one else had this same vision and yet I felt swaddled, safe in the Divine Feminine's arms.
Of all my identities, I found that the one I treasure, protect and keep hidden is the one that I should nurture and cultivate. She is locked away in a tower, accessible only with great effort. She is appalled and frustrated and distrustful of the outside world. She lives in her own imagination, in a fantastic faery-tale realm with ivory towers that offer her fortification from the grotesque. She is alone and peaceful, and yet restless and yearning for escape. She remains chaste, loyal and faithful to her spiritual master and awaits patiently his orders and instructions!

Tolerating Happiness

Yesterday I heard a deafening screeching in my ear. It was the sound of energetic enthusiasm unbounded and unrestrained. I told myself that this too would pass... both happiness and distress are fleeting. Actually, my eagerness and excitement were expected so I knew precisely how to counteract it. Temperance, young grasshopper. I didn't think anyone would understand if I told them that I was tolerating happiness, or my need to do so, and so my mind connected two completely unrelated situations and men to each other. I later confided to one, "This incident reminded me of some words you spoke a while back. I'm tolerating happiness." and he chuckled, nodded and earnestly said, "If Krishna's devotee remembers me, it is to my good credit." I felt closer bonded to him than before. How can you tell someone you love them in so many words? Is that possible?
I believe it is. A simple gesture, glance, or words can have the evocative phrasing and nuance of a finely crafted poem. That isn't to say that he understood the full import of my experience. I can not know for sure, of course, but I don't think he understands how deeply his words moved me or what profound truths were revealed therein. If you ever read this: I love you! 

Drowning in the Ocean of Material Existence

My offering to Srila Rtadhavaj Swami on the occassion of his Vyasa Puja:

শ্রী-রূপ-মঞ্জরী-পদ, সেই মোর সম্পদ,

সেই মোর ভজন-পূজন

সেই মোর প্রাণ-ধন, সেই মোর আভরণ,

সেই মোর জীবনের জীবন

To my beloved Spiritual Masters,

I am drowning in the ocean of material existence. I have to take a moment to let that sink in and remind myself of this harsh reality.
As a child, I didn't have many playmates or friends. As a result, I often imagined or fantasized. Many times, I would daydream about happy moments with my only friend, my imaginary friend. At night I cried myself to sleep and begged the Lord to make my wish come true. "Please, my Sweet Lord, please let me be Your friend. I have no companion except for You. Please be my friend."
As a five or six-year old child, I never imagined that I would one day encounter a rich theology and practice that accepted and encouraged this type of relationship with the Almighty. It certainly seemed strange to my immediate relatives so I kept my yearnings secret and hidden.
Lacking friends, I imagined that the Lord Himself would befriend me, but I knew it was only possible in the hereafter. I imagined that we would play leapfrog, frolic in the grass, climb trees, catch crickets and go for a swim in the creeks. I would never be tired or unhappy as long as I was in the company of my Best Friend. He would be my eternal companion.
Lacking guidance and proper counsel, I prayed, hoped and fantasized about a perfectly wise and benevolent soul to mentor and guide me. I begged the Lord to reveal that person, that perfect sage and ever well-wisher to my material eyes. I hoped that I wouldn't have to wait until the afterlife to meet him.
Some nights, as I knelt before my altar and prayed before an image of the Guardian Angel, I felt or heard a reassuring voice that soothed my heart and alleviated my distress. "You will see me." and "I will meet with you face to face."

Even in my wildest imaginations I never thought that the entity I simplistically identified as the Guardian Angel or the Holy Spirit would manifest or reveal himself in my lifetime. I was broken and shattered inside for many years and my faith gradually dwindled. What were the chances that, if such a perfected  being existed, the Lord would reveal that person to me and grant me the opportunity to associate with him personally?
The Lord works in mysterious ways, they say. In order to shatter my doubts and reestablish my faith, the Lord not only revealed His most confidential servant, the jagat-guru, Srila Prabhupada, He also revealed His confidential pastimes, Names, instructions, and associates to me.

I am now confident that I will one day play with Krishna. It shall one day come to pass. It may take millions of births but I am certain of this truth for only one reason: it is certain because the Lord has revealed to me the many splendorous manifestations of Sri Guru. I have seen them and met them face to face.
And so it happens that I am no longer drowning the ocean of material existence. I am frolicking happily in the forest of Braj hand in hand with Krishna-- it is solely a matter of time.

Well-Oiled Machine

Sri Gopi Nath Giri Dhari

Sri Lakshmi

Today Chitravasini and I had errands and shopping to do early in the morning so I didn't get to worship My Lordships this morning. Fortunately, I knew that today was going to be busy so I prepared the lunch menu and got most of the preliminary stuff out of the way. I didn't get home until almost 2pm, but as I don't have a fixed schedule for Their worship and so on, I figured I could run errands and do the puja later. After their abhishek and srngar, I offered Them something to eat and I was surprised to see that I completed my full routine in under an hour! I love it when the everything runs smoothly like a well-oiled machine!

Sri Sri Lakshmi Narasimha Deva

Sri Madan Gopal Ji

I have been struggling the past few weeks to get any new ideas for Deity outfits. The last time I made Their Lordships a new outfit was probably around a festival. I really want to make more time for Them and use some of the new brocade fabric that is sitting around idly. I hope I can get more time, but as it stands, I hardly get enough time for myself. Most of my time is consumed my school, puja, and practicing. I hope Lord Balaram empowers me and Lord Krishna accepts my offerings. Today my jasmine didn't give many flowers and I think this is because it's going out of season soon. I'm really upset because on top of this, my gardenia has passed away. I figured I could revive her but after weeks of struggling with her, I finally put her to rest. I uprooted her from the soil and I saw her root system was not very strong. This is unfortunate; I'm really depressed but hopefully I get more flowers and shrubs this weekend! Chandaneswar prabhu hired a landscaper to plant new gardenia shrubs for me!

nityanandam aham naumi sarvananda karam param
harinam pradam devam avadhuta shiromani 

namo maha vandanyaya krishna prema pradayate
krishnaya krishna-chaitanya namne gaura tvishe namah

Jay Gopeswar Mahadev!

Unanswered Queries

This morning I had a few errands to run before  I could go biking but I finally made it out of the house and headed to Lindsley Park. I had a weird dream about something or other but the most interesting thing so far are the confetti egg remnants around my perch.

There's confetti, flour and crushed eggshells everywhere! A small part of me is a bit grossed out by the eggshells but, mostly, I'm amused. I didn't know that anyone still played with confetti eggs or, even more fascinating, that people still go through the trouble of making them. It's notoriously tedious and time consuming.
I remember mom used to prepare weeks in advance. She would start collecting, cleaning and coloring eggs as early as February, or January, if she anticipated an egg shortage. To this day, I don't know who keeps track of egg production and consumption like she did (except for maybe commodities brokers who invest in eggs and whose livelihoods' depend on it) or how one goes about this task. WTF, mom?
I still don't know how she managed to cut such a uniform hole without shattering the eggs, or how she found the time to wash, color and fill them with colored paper confetti and flour! How she loved seeing us play with them! She really loved Easter festivities and I don't know if there was another occasion that she enjoyed as much.
These past few weeks have been stressful. Our trip to India was postponed, Purandar Acharya is throwing himself into this work, I'm biking to fill the extra time, Chandaneswar is focusing on his health and diet and Krishna Chandra seems perfectly content without his electronic devices. (He lost privileges a couple weeks back) He's almost too happy and content with out them. I mean, how will I punish him if he misbehaves? I could take his bike privileges but truly it would hurt me as much as him. I love riding together. It's the most fun we have whether we're alone or together. I really enjoy it and it gives us a great excuse to go outside at a moment's notice.
Yesterday, Chandaneswar, Purandar Acharya and I were watching a Bengali film named Kaler Rakhal but only the first hour and a half was available on YouTube. I'm so upset because there are a couple of Baul songs that I love but they're on the second half of the film. I've been searching everywhere for it with no luck. Where can it be??
Well, we're probably going to India this summer but I'm upset that we won't be able to travel with Lokojit prabhu. He's the best travel guide ever and knows all the best spots and people. At least we still have each other. I feel like we're desperately clinging to each other now more than ever before. I feel lost and alone adrift an ocean of anxiety but my raft mates keep my company and sanity. I don't know what I would be with out them. I don't know where I would be without them. I don't who I would be without them. Sometimes I think to myself, "Renounce this lifestyle and give yourself completely to Gauranga!"
What shall become of us, Thakur?

Sectarianism in Vaishnava Practice

It's only one o'clock in the afternoon right now. It took me about twenty minutes to do my make up but I feel like it really should have taken me much longer. Am I getting better at applying makeup or did I just skip something important out of forgetfulness? I don't know.
I completed a discussion assignment for my online class and I feel like I spent a disproportionate amount of my week studying for what turned out to be a fairly easily topic to address. Not that the assignment was easy, what I mean is, I didn't think I had at least 400 words to say on the subject until I started typing up my response. Before I knew it, I was over 700 words, I guess I should have word-counted sooner, so I spend more time cutting the fat than I actually spend organizing my thoughts. Interesting.
Also, I wanted to post a photo of Brahmacharini Devi but I decided against it because I remember I attached one during an earlier post from last year about an interesting dream I had. It's here, if you're interested in reading about it. Instead, let me post a picture of Durga's nine incarnations because I haven't done that yet. As Vasanta Durga puja approaches, I've been considering performing Durga puja and Saraswati puja at home. We'll see what happens... wish me luck.
Actually, I've wanted to do goddess pujas in the past, but being an advocate for Vaishnavism and a practicing Vaishnava, it is typically frowned upon to worship demigods. In my quest for spiritual understanding, I've outgrown all the sectarian supremacy and dogmatic nonsense. I really believe that Goddess puja is as spiritually rewarding and fulfilling for a sincere practitioner as Vishnu or Krishna puja. That is to say, if someone has a sincere desire for spiritual upliftment, not material benefits. Years ago, I had several dreams about Goddesses beckoning me to Their worship. She urged me to worship Her in order to receive maximum results; I still don't know what 'maximum results' entails, however, it is ever-enticing an offer.
I believe that in our earnest (and zealous) ambition to worship Sri Krishna, we may inadvertently offend and disrespect demigods, which negatively affects our sadhana bhakti. The result being the same as offending a Vaishnava. Krishna devotees seem to forget that demigods are expansions of the Supreme Absolute Truth as well as servants of Krishna so we should offer Them all respects (though we aren't obligated to worship Them either). They are not ordinary souls, and if one agrees that Krishna is the Adi-Purush, one should also accept that all incarnations, expansions, etc come from Him, so in effect, we are offending Him to a degree when we disrespect demigods.

Dream Drama

Today I woke up at three in the morning after a series of strange dreams. I can't recall them but I can assure you they left me with an uneasy feeling. I went to the bathroom to wash my face and use the bathroom. The past couple days my right hand has felt weak and stiff; I noticed a tremble in my ring finger when I play piano so I'm a bit worried but mostly I'm certain it has more to do with my B12 deficiency and is probably nothing serious. When I mentioned to Chandaneswar prabhu that I had a strange dream and my hand was bothering me, he offered to massage it for me. I got some mustard oil and he told me about his weird dream. He first told me that he saw his choto mama (younger maternal uncle) and choto mami (aunt) together even though his uncle passed away a few years ago. In another dream he saw his village, we had moved to Belpukur and were living a simple life among the locals in a mud house. Prabhu's relatives still live in Belpukur or near Mayapur so it is strange we moved into a separate house. Then again, it isn't so strange considering that Chandaneswar prabhu and his mother are estranged. In the dream, we lived near one of Belpukur's temples on the other side of town (I say this as if Belpukur is very big to begin with) and suddenly my mother-in-law shows up with her party of women for matri sanga. In essence, this is a group of gossip-mongers in the guise of religious or pious ladies who gather in someone's home on the pretext of religious ceremonies and discourse. Certainly, Chandaneswar prabhu approves of any spiritual activity, but in this context he was very displeased. He started scolding his mother for showing up with her group of people, for presuming that she could enter our home without our consent or permission, and finally for her general rowdiness. She insisted that she had a right to enter our home whenever she damn well pleased since she's his mom. Chandaneswar countered that she was no mother of his; as far as he was concerned she had a son and four daughters, nothing less, nothing more. At this time the street sweeper or garbage truck rolled by and shook Chandaneswar prabhu from his sleep so I couldn't even find out what happened in this episode of his dream.... and what a spectacle of a dream! Sometimes I wish I could pay admission into other people's dreams because they seem funnier or stranger than my own.

Bleeding Out

Today we went for our usual walk after dinner. Krishna Chandra caught up with Rasa Lila Devi. Chandaneswar and I chanted around the block. We went for darshan in the evening and I saw Indulekha Devi at the temple making garlands. I haven't seen her in a while so we caught up for a few minutes. I asked her if I could assist her in her service, and she kindly obliged. She then told me about her recent trip to India; she said she became gravely ill there and almost died due to lack of treatment facilities and prompt care. Where there were devotees, they lacked proper resources and treatment; where treatments were available, the staff refused to treat her without payment up front!
I couldn't believe my ears, but then again I could believe my ears, having spent an extended period in India previously myself and becoming ill there. I honestly felt alone and hopeless there; at times I even contemplated the worst-- "Just give up, go drown yourself in the Ganga. It's hopeless. Nobody care anyway."
I hope to spend more time with Indulekha. Recently I re-evalutated my priorities during my travels and realized that our community needs serious help. There are many things that, like Indulekha's gut, are hemorrhaging even though there are solutions, none are implemented due to lack of resources, training, or sheer indifference. What would become of us if we neglected the care of even one Vaishnav? What would our community lose? Can we afford to lose even one?
Not only are we hemorrhaging, but we need to replace the lost blood, and treat the source of infection. The problem is multifaceted, therefore, treatment should be approached with many perspectives... not just one view. I apologize for the series of medical metaphors. Maybe Indulekha's story shocked me deeply, or maybe I'm just impressionable, or maybe I watch too much Grey's Anatomy. I don't know. We have a problem and it needs addressing.
The other day I remembered several devotees that I was close to, and remembered that they are all gone. They have left the movement, moved or away or passed away. I don't know if you remember Lalita-Krishna prabhu, but he was always very kind and instructive to me. Lavanga-Latika told me the other day that he left his body, and I was completely oblivious that he was ill again. Another devotee was Ramachandra prabhu; both left the community about eight years ago. Some devotees passed away, like Urjeswat prabhu, Bharat prabhu, and Lalita Krishna prabhu, and sometimes I cry because I feel I can't connect with the new generation. My ashram leaders, instructors, and mentors have moved on or passed away. What will become of me and our movement as we have to face the inevitable truth that all things must pass?
I don't know what would have happened if Indulekha had left us, but surely it would have left such a gaping void in our community that we would struggle to recover for years. Could I personally be capable of facing another death? I don't think so. I don't know if I can handle it anymore. On average, I'm losing a loved one about every two years, and the clock is ticking. I can't afford to waste any time.
Here I've been happily enjoying my summer with friends and family, partying my youthful energy away. 

Marjanam

Today was the Gundica Marjan festival at our local temple. Appropriately, I'm in the process of cleaning house. Yesterday I organized & sorted saris with the help of a close friend. I'm giving away dozens of outfits (again); I feel compelled to change my physical appearance, identity, and style. Not only that, but I feel like the exterior is symptomatic of something I feel deep inside. I'm transforming and undergoing a metamorphosis. I've felt this way a lot this past decade but sometimes I feel like I'm going in circles. (I'm constantly enduring painful growth spurts) Why do I feel this way, even after ten years of conscious endeavor toward growth? I'm starting to feel like there is something I'm missing or skipping. I've been feeling more open and forthcoming lately but I also really raw & emotional. I don't like feeling raw & emotional because it's powerfully overwhelming to me. I find myself feeling insecure at times & when I try to analyze those feelings, I get frustrated or feel self-conscious. What's going on? I suppose the only thing to do is surrender to those emotions and let myself feel them thoroughly. In fact, it may be cathartic to let them pass through me instead of holding back. I'm afraid though, and I'm more afraid of exploring these emotions. I find myself in prayer sometimes, distracted from the external world and begging my Lord and Lady for help.

"My Dear Kalachandji, please help me. 

Nobody can help me but You. 

Save me please, Lord, turn me into one of Sri Radha's loyal maidservants; 

I plead you, place me under Her care. 

O Devi, please guide my heart toward Your lotus feet! 

Please let me surrender to You and no one else. 

I have no other friend, no other shelter and no other recourse,

 but Your service, name, worship, and shelter. 

I beg of You, Goddess, save me from my wretched materialistic desires. 

Prepare me for Your Ladyship's service. You are my only resort."

My Friends

Sometimes I forget how lucky I am.
I have great friends.
I have a rewarding life.
I enjoy my work.
I am fulfilled by my service.
I delve deeply with close friends.
I protect the ones I love.
They protect me back.
I am extremely fortunate.

When I am sad, or feeling down, they come forward and hold my hand.
They speak encouraging words of wisdom and determination.
They shake me from my misery.
When I'm sick and need nourishment, they drop by and cook for me.
They rub my tummy, neck, or shoulders.
Whatever hurts. Whatever helps.
I am like a child, and they pamper me with affection.

They pick up groceries, prescriptions, and run errands with me.
They offer to do these things for me when I am frustrated or overwhelmed.
They help me pick out my classes, schedule courses, and even recommend teachers.
I can get a second opinion, and pick their brains when I am confused.
They know me better than I know myself.
They advise me against bad ideas, and encourage me in good decisions.
They better me, and help me better myself.

My friends remember my birthdays and anniversaries, and buy me cool stuff.
No, they shower me with love and thoughtful gifts.
I don't ever have to remind them.
They remind me, and forgive me when I forget.
I get plenty of hugs, kisses, and warm reciprocation.

They reward my good behavior, and scold me when I do something inconsiderate.
They patch things up when I shatter them.
They resolve issues when I'm too frustrated, conflicted, or tired to work it through myself.
They encourage me in my spirituality, and advise me when I am lacking.
They love me when I hate myself.

They do these things because they know I will reciprocate.
They know I would do this much for them, and even more.
This is how I show my love of Godhead, it is my devotional service.

Akshay Tritiya Vrata

On Sunday evening, exhausted and dehydrated, I collapsed in my dining room and hit the floor. I knew I was going to lose consciousness. I felt that my mind was unfocused. I was not sharp. I felt dull, slow, and foggy. I sat at the dining table, pushed my textbooks away, and began sipping homemade lemonade. It was too sweet for my taste, though, and in a sad attempt to adjust it, I stumbled toward the kitchen area. I felt dizzy, nauseous, and began to tremble. I quickly diluted the lemonade and gulped it down as quickly as possible. As I reached my seat again, I sensed there was no way to delay the inevitable. I was going to pass out soon, so I made another sad attempt to protect myself. I turned away from my dining table, and leaned out toward the floor in hopes of laying down before I collapsed. I could tell there was not enough time, so with my last ounce of strength I folded my palms, half praying, half defensive position, and tucked my face into my hands. I knew my body would naturally assume a fetal position in order to protect my face and internal organs, so I surrendered, and trembling in fear, began to pray and weep before my brain shut down.

Krishna Krishna Krishna 

Krishna Krishna, help me!

Nitai please protect me!

 My body trembled and quaked; my brain shut down, and I felt like I was being electrocuted. When I woke up, I was lying on the floor with my hands under my cheeks. My face hurt, my lips and nose were swollen and throbbing, and my face was wet. "Am I bleeding?" Two solitary tears streamed down my cheek, and I slowly regained consciousness. I pushed myself up from the floor and reached for my drink. I sat there, bewildered, terrified, and alone. I didn't bother calling my husband, son, godbrother, sister, or neighbors for help. I just sat there on the dining room floor chanting the Lord's names, and thanking Him for manifesting Himself in my mind and heart. 

After raising my blood pressure and replacing my fluids, I sat in the dining room in total shock and disbelief: I was completely terrified and panicked, but somehow I remembered to chant the Lord's names. Today is Akshay Tritiya and I want to re-commit myself to chanting the Lord's name, remembering Him, and surrendering to His will. I want to be determined in the face of Death, and constantly remember Sri Krishna against all odds.

Rescuing the Lord

Last night, I had a dream about a local devotee turned drama player. She has previously acted in temple dramas, and in my dream she had become a famous stage player. I was excited to see her on stage at a local university campus. As I approached the campus I heard a loud, nagging cry in my mind. I could hear the voice, but it seemed no one else could perceive it. I wondered, "Who is that?" and the voice clearly replied, "Who do you think?"
It was the Lord's voice, and He had specific demands. First, He informed me that he was being neglected by the young devotee actress. He complained that since she had become popular and successful, she had started to neglect Him. He was in the form of a small marble stone statue and traveled alongside her as she toured. He mentioned, "She has a lover who gives her gifts of flowers, jewelry, and sweets, but she does not share any of it with Me. She could at least offer something to Me, anything. She does not bathe, dress, feed, or put me to rest. I am just a statute to her. I am cold, hungry, sleepy, and lonely. I am so exhausted and have not slept for days. Come get me and take me to your home."
Hearing of this regrettable behaviour, I wondered to myself if it was possible to express my concern to her in person. I reasoned that being an educated and cultured young woman, she would admit some shortcomings and rectify her negligence. I set off in search for her, and found her in the arms of her lover, desperately embracing, kissing passionately, and still in full costume backstage. Both were stage players, and apparently fell violently in love during their tour. On closer inspection, I noticed that her lover was not a man, but an actress dressed as the male protagonist. My first impression was that she so desperately sought immediate gratification that she had not bothered to remove her elaborate makeup and costume, feed her Krishna Deity, or even check on Him in the dressing room first. I heard Sri Krishna speak once more, "You see? I told you, she is only concerned for herself; she is selfish! Come get me, quickly, before she comes back!" I finally relented and followed His directions toward the dressing rooms. After winding my way through the halls, I found her dressing room, there behind the unlocked door stood a small Krishna deity-- naked, alone, hungry, and dirty, very, very dirty. I snatched Him and instructed Him to hide in my handmade bag, and keep very quiet. He laughed at me and said, "You're the only one who can hear me, fool!" I woke up shortly after kidnapping Krishna, and escaping through the halls.
After analyzing the dream more carefully, I wonder how often I think of the Lord's well-being. The Lord does not need me to bath, feed, dress, or worship Him. He does not need my fruits, flowers, jewelry, or sweet offerings. He does not need my incense, ghee lamps, water, or ornate fans. He wants my love, devotion, affection, and attention. He cries out for me to look after Him. He mercifully gives me the opportunity to serve Him, without regard to my caste, creed, background, or social status.
He is never concerned with our bodies, but intends to pervade our minds, hearts, and souls. I wonder, regrettably, how negligent I am of Him in my daily worship. I wonder if the devotee actress is rather a representation of me. Having plenty of admirers and sensual pleasures abound, have I forgotten the Lord? Am I neglecting Him? Is he begging me to rescue Him from a lonely existence?

Productive Potato

It is snowing and the roads are iced over here. Krishna Chandra is sick so he stayed home today. Thankfully, my school closed for a faculty development and training so I basically stayed home, watched movies, and ate junk food with my husband. I did not forget about my exercise routine. Cheko and Dolly will be proud to hear that I have been doing light calisthenics every couple hours. I did lunges, swats, and jumping jacks. I can not go jogging outdoors, but I was thinking about using the treadmill next door for a half hour. This way, I can justify eating all that junk food, and not feel like a couch potato for sitting around all day. I crocheted some mrdanga head warmers, think tea cozy for clay drum heads. I practiced violin, harmonium, and even sang some scales. I didnot forget about the piano, I practice an hour of piano and aural skills in the practice room. This leaves my afternoon free for algebra study, violin, and work. I reviewed my algebra homework, and finished a practice exam. I feel productive. Chandaneswar prabhu read a chapter of Sri Chaitanya Charitamrita while I crocheted, and we had some stimulating discussions about Mahaprabhu's friends, associates, and their family members. In particular, we discussed Nrsimhananda Brahmachari, whose entire family were vaishnavas. Eventually Nrsimhananda brahmacari left his household and became the Lord's servant. I wish I had Vaishnava relatives. My relatives are all materialists, and my in-laws are dedicated mayavadis. Sometimes I tell my husband that I prefer a materialistic family over a materialistic mayavadi family.

Spiritual Intonation

Lately I have been contemplating my life more carefully, and sometimes it feels like Krishna has different plans for me entirely. I have been very social lately; I have forged new friendships and cultivated those relationships. Unfortunately, I have noticed a pattern that remains constant throughout. Whenever I attempt to forge closer relationships, the Lord, ever the expert arranger, shatters my expectations and hope.

I know that Srila Rupa Goswamipad says in Sri Upadeshamrita that we should cultivate loving relationships, reciprocate affection, and confide in other Vaishnavas. However, I have experienced that typically, they are the ones that break my heart and hurt me the most. I can only liken it to fine-tuning an instrument, or adjusting a signal or radio frequency. Usually, you can hear a slight dissonance when your instrument is out of tune. You attempt to fine-tune your instrument, or focus the signal, and usually, after a few attempts, you can have a clear, focused, and strong sound or signal.

When I first met devotees, I thought they were amazing individuals; they were impressive personalities: charming, loving, and wise. Some of them even struck me as perfected souls, enlightened representatives of the Lord sent to show compassion and love.I saw flickering images of their personality and character. As I tried to focus or strengthen relationships with with them, however, I have only received heartache and pain. I notice that they are flawed, hurtful, and selfish individuals just like ordinary materialistic men.

Perhaps I simply picked up the wrong frequency, but I fear that I set my expectations too high. I misconstrued the flickers and glimpses. I saw glimpses of a life, persona, or character that were just a farce. Just as an actor in a drama plays a romanticized and idealized hero based on fantasy and loft, they were fictional roles. The closer I move in, I feel, the more distorted, depraved, and grotesque the image. The more I am frightened, repulsed, and appalled. The more I retreat, or feel pushed away. Am I simply picking up interference? Adjusting the wrong frequency?  

One realization is comforting, although it does not alleviate my emotional anguish. I know He is the only constant, loyal, and loving friend. Everything and everyone else crumbles beneath His lotus feet. Everything erodes, dissolves, and dissipates-- only Krishna remains.

Life Experiences

My schedule is really different this semester. I have a light school schedule throughout the week, but Friday is my lightest day of all. At the beginning of this semester, I was a bit frustrated that I could not schedule more classes, and had an hour gap between two classes. However, now I have found other activities to occupy my time at school, and manage my time there wisely. This way, I do not feel like I am commuting in vain, but accomplishing other things also. Yesterday morning I joined my friend Dolly and her friend Cheko in the gym for a morning workout. He is really helpful and knowledgeable, with a sense of humor. I also plan to practice piano for an hour on my break.
My theory class is pretty relaxed. Our professor gives us ample time to study, work, and inquire on our own time. Additionally, because we have students of different levels in the same class, we pair into small groups and work together. This is nice for me because it helps me recall and solidify my knowledge of music theory by helping my group mates.
We were discussing trustworthiness during class; I mentioned that people feel at ease around me, strangely, and often recount their personal troubles, trauma, or struggles to me. I told her and our group-mate that even complete strangers open up to me, tell me embarrassing, traumatic, and even incriminating stories about themselves, with no hesitation.
That is what finally pushed me toward the therapies, and why I decided to pursue music therapy as a career.
On the ride home, I met a young woman named Anabel on the bus. Anabel introduced herself briefly, and then told me about her troubled past, and hopeful future. Again, I was shocked at how much graphic, personal information she volunteered to me. Additionally, she reflected about her children's future and opportunities. I reassured her that she was a great parent; she was cultivating healthy, trusting relationships with her children, and that it would reap its rewards one day. I gave her my phone number, hoping that Anabel would call one day in search of a trustworthy friend.

Ghastly Dreams

The other night I had a disturbing dream wherein I saw many inauspicious omens. I woke up just a few minutes shy of six o'clock, and sat straight up in bed almost trembling.

In the dream, there was a large initiation festival with many devotees. However, meat and bones contaminated the fire sacrifice arena, which was disorganized and untidy. The fire pit itself was incomplete; Brahmins left materials strewn about the ground carelessly.

There were yavana and candal classes amongst the devotees, but they would not chant the Lord's names; in fact, they were uninterested in the festival and behaved brutishly. Instead, they brought liquor, meat, and intoxicants into the festival grounds and spat out drink and food indiscriminately. The initiate was unclean, unshaven, mingled freely with low-class men, and did not observe a fast.

Additionally, his wife was pregnant. I remember my mother used to say that seeing a pregnant woman in your dreams is the symbol of death, evil, or sin, but I do not know why she interprets it that way so I am inclined to brush it off. However, the pregnant woman, probably the most disturbing figure of the whole dream—carries a creature in her womb that is not human. It had hooves, like a goat or an ass. In my dream, I only prayed and wished it were a satyr, and called out the names of the Lord. I could see the creature in her womb, but no one else seemed too disturbed by her. I concluded that I was the only person who was aware of it. The sight alone terrified me, I remembered apocalyptic messages I heard as a child, tales, myths, and predictions of a woman who gives birth to an ass. In the stories, a woman makes a pact with a demon, or the devil, and in return, she gives birth to an ass as testament or punishment for her sin. Unable to witness more frightful omens and degradation, I fled the scene in tears and left my un-phased husband behind at the mela.

I finally worked up the nerve to write it out because simply thinking about the dream sent shivers down my spine. Interestingly enough, the couple in question are young, friendly, and quite popular devotees from temple. They are active and involved in temple festivals and activities. Frequently, they are arranging, serving, or organizing during feasts together. I have never seen them in any dreams before. The whole thing is strange. I wonder why I saw them, the epitome of the perfectly saintly couple in such a ghastly dream?

Catching Up

My Christmas and holiday break has been pretty good so far. My relatives visited throughout Christmas and my nephew slept over. I spent a lot more time practing violin and sewing holiday projects. Recently a got a job for two bead bags and two book bags for two devotee brothers. Unfortunately, Krishna Chandra got really sick, I lost a lot of sleep, and was delayed for two days. Today I finally caught a break and managed a couple hours of productive sewing sessions. I forgot to photograph the Japa mala bags, one of which is linen. It looks incredibly stylish and so chic, I'm thinking about making a linen mala bag for myself and Chandaneśwar prabhu. I still have another request for another devotee; he wants drawstring bags, and a bead bag as well. I am also stitching up a quickie quilt for a relative, and eventually I hope to get around to some dresses, blouses, and skirts for myself. Above all else, I meditate on outfits for my lordships. I have plenty of material; I just need patience, determination, and enthusiasm. 😊
This morning I had the pleasure of accompanying Prajapati prabhu; we performed Away In A Manger and What Child Is This during the church service. I met some lovely congregation members, enjoyed the pastor's sermon, and was delighted that everyone enjoyed our musical offering. Juanita has a favorite hymn that I'd like to play for her pleasure. Hopefully we can do it soon.

Jay Sri Sri Guru Gouranga!

Resolute

This week I visited an academic advisor to help me decipher the course numbers on the Music Therapy degree plan, and now I know which courses correspond to those at TWU. Now, I can plan my schedule, get as many academic and music courses completed at my community college, and make some progress toward my desired degree. On other news, I am doing really well in History, Math, and English, and I am proud of myself. I thought History would sink me for sure, but I stuck with it and worked hard. I have not really practiced for Aural Skills this past week at all. I was too busy working on my last History essay, and it drained me of every drop of energy. 

Damodar month is slowly ending, and each day I feel like I am making spiritual progress. I have made new friends this month, and re-established lost connections with old friends. Sometimes I wonder if I make my relationships complicated intentionally. I do not know why I do it, but I know that it is very hard for me to trust people. Sometimes, I go out of my way to hide, and even push people away. I feel like only Krishna knows me, the real me, and that I can only trust Him and no one else. I do not know if this is right or wrong, or if it is the symptom of spiritual maturity or simply a defense mechanism due to false ego. However, I know that the scriptures say that our ultimate goal is Krishna, we should find no other shelter except Him, and until we have realized that all is in vain in the material sphere, we cannot progress into a special, spiritual relationship with Him. I guess that although I understand that Krishna is the Supreme Lord, the ultimate shelter and eternal friend, I still wonder if there is a special purpose for me on this planet. There is a reason Krishna gave me these particular skills, talents, and abilities. There is a reason Krishna has put me in this environment, with certain people, exposed to particular circumstances. I know there is not just chaos, but that I can learn a lesson from this. I am trying my best to seek out new experiences actively, to learn from my experiences, and capitalize on what I have learned. In order to do that though, I have to hone every skill in my possession. I cannot hide from myself anymore, either. I have to expose what I have been hiding from myself resolutely.

I pray constantly that Lord Balaram give me strength to pursue the unfathomable path of devotion. I cannot weather the obstacles and trials alone; no, I need special guidance and loving care from a nurturing spiritual master.

Offensive Woman

Last night I had a funny dream about an offensive woman who wanted to kidnap my Gour-Nitai by force, because I refused to trade Them with her like common currency. Initially, she introduced herself briefly as a friend of an acquaintance during a large festival in my community.

It was the first time we celebrated this particular festival in our community, so we publicized it largely in magazines, television advertisements, radio commercials, and so on. Consequentially, many people turned up, even devotees from other regions and countries. I personally set up a large tent, or pandal, on my landlord's empty plot of land. We decorated it with beautiful, fragrant flower garlands, banana trees, mango leaves, and fumigated it with aromatic, purifying herbs, cowdung, and incense. Inside the pandal, I drew an auspicious mandala of bright white alpona, atop which I installed a simple throne for Their Lordships, Sri Avadhuta Shiromani and Sri Mayapur Chandra. Dressed, ornamented, and adored, Their Lordships stood majestically on Their throne when suddenly the lone troublemaker appeared.
Before she could open her mouth, I already anticipated that she wanted me to give her something for nothing. Their Lordships laughed and teased me, repeatedly asking, "She wants something, will you give it to her? Will you give her whatever she asks? Such is the character of brahmins and sadhus; they give up even their most coveted treasure!" I grew irate with Gour Nitai and wondered why They were interacting with me in this way. They very rarely speak to me, even after constantly badgering Them, what to speak of dialogue and banter.
"Hare Krishna, Mataji. You don't know me but I'm friends with so-and-so." she said.
"So what?" I thought, "everyone knows each other around here, it won't earn you any favor."
"Our friend told me you have very large, beautiful deities, and she told me where you lived. I want to do parikrama during the festival with Gour Nitai. My deities are too small, though, and I want some big ones that way everyone can see. I'll trade you my little Gour Nitai for your big ones. You see, I'm doing pilgrimage so you should help me out, or I'll just take Them anyway."
She spoke with such audacity, as if she would get her way without any trouble at all. Assumptions do a great many things, and among those things, arousing my anger is really dangerous. I was more infuriated with her attitude about Their Lordships. She spoke as if they were some cheap commodity to be traded or borrowed like the neighbor's garden trowel.
"How dare you, you filthy whore! Who the hell do you think you are? You strut in here, like a dog in heat, peddling your wares like you own the damn place, and demand my Deities? I wouldn't dream of it! Do you think They are toys? Clothes? Huh? Or a knapsack you can throw away when you get tired of it? They are not your soiled undergarments, you two-legged beast! You don't deserve the arca-vigraha presence of the Lord, damned aparadhi! You should give up your Gour-Nitai to me before you make more offenses!"
I shouted all kinds of obscenities at her in English, Bengali, and Spanish, until I was red in the face and my rage was satiated. Meanwhile, the two munificent brothers, Gouranga and Nityananda, laughed, rolled on the ground, cried tears in hysteria, and spoke sarcastically, "That's a good one! I never heard that one before, Devi. Some virtuous saint you are indeed!"
I have the feeling that Their Lordships arranged the encounter with that filthy dog, disguised in Vaishnava attire, in order to pique my rage and wrath. Otherwise, rarely do we encounter these types of personalities, full of pride and offensive ideas.

Duties of a Married Man

The other day I was reading some of Srila Bhaktisiddhanta Saraswati Prabhupad's writings. Included was a short narrative called Duties of a Married Man.
It started when some married devotee refused to give charity to beggars outside of Sakshi Gopal mandir. He said that the duty of a married man was to give in charity, distribute prasadam, and engage in devotional service to Lord Krishna. If a married devotee thinks that his money is reserved only for Lord Krishna, and doesn't give to the destitute, eventually he will become stone-hearted and greedy. Seeing this, Krishna will not become compassionate on us, we will become offensive in our service because eventually we will even refuse to spend money on devotional activities. Even though everyone suffers according to his own karma, they are still in Krishna's family; therefore, we should spend to those who need it. We receive wealth through Krishna's blessings, so we should distribute it as well. This way Krishna is pleased. That is why we distribute prasadam freely. So, according to Srila Prabhupada BSST, it is the proper use of wealth and resources.
I thought about this situation and concluded, I would not have wanted to be in that lot of grhastha devotees who held their purse strings. Could you imagine getting the sauce from Srila Saraswati Thakur?