Unanswered Queries

This morning I had a few errands to run before  I could go biking but I finally made it out of the house and headed to Lindsley Park. I had a weird dream about something or other but the most interesting thing so far are the confetti egg remnants around my perch.

There's confetti, flour and crushed eggshells everywhere! A small part of me is a bit grossed out by the eggshells but, mostly, I'm amused. I didn't know that anyone still played with confetti eggs or, even more fascinating, that people still go through the trouble of making them. It's notoriously tedious and time consuming.
I remember mom used to prepare weeks in advance. She would start collecting, cleaning and coloring eggs as early as February, or January, if she anticipated an egg shortage. To this day, I don't know who keeps track of egg production and consumption like she did (except for maybe commodities brokers who invest in eggs and whose livelihoods' depend on it) or how one goes about this task. WTF, mom?
I still don't know how she managed to cut such a uniform hole without shattering the eggs, or how she found the time to wash, color and fill them with colored paper confetti and flour! How she loved seeing us play with them! She really loved Easter festivities and I don't know if there was another occasion that she enjoyed as much.
These past few weeks have been stressful. Our trip to India was postponed, Purandar Acharya is throwing himself into this work, I'm biking to fill the extra time, Chandaneswar is focusing on his health and diet and Krishna Chandra seems perfectly content without his electronic devices. (He lost privileges a couple weeks back) He's almost too happy and content with out them. I mean, how will I punish him if he misbehaves? I could take his bike privileges but truly it would hurt me as much as him. I love riding together. It's the most fun we have whether we're alone or together. I really enjoy it and it gives us a great excuse to go outside at a moment's notice.
Yesterday, Chandaneswar, Purandar Acharya and I were watching a Bengali film named Kaler Rakhal but only the first hour and a half was available on YouTube. I'm so upset because there are a couple of Baul songs that I love but they're on the second half of the film. I've been searching everywhere for it with no luck. Where can it be??
Well, we're probably going to India this summer but I'm upset that we won't be able to travel with Lokojit prabhu. He's the best travel guide ever and knows all the best spots and people. At least we still have each other. I feel like we're desperately clinging to each other now more than ever before. I feel lost and alone adrift an ocean of anxiety but my raft mates keep my company and sanity. I don't know what I would be with out them. I don't know where I would be without them. I don't who I would be without them. Sometimes I think to myself, "Renounce this lifestyle and give yourself completely to Gauranga!"
What shall become of us, Thakur?

Summer Austerity

On Sunday we performed the final last rites ceremony, or tarpan, for Purandar Acharya prabhu's father. Usually, tarpan is celebrated exactly one year after the first shraddha ceremony; the begrieved are obligated to perform tarpan before they can celebrate any joyful rites or rituals in the family. Sundar Gopal prabhu flew in to town to perform the fire sacrifice, but the entire occasion took approximately two weeks' preparation. We had to collect and prepare all the items: ritual paraphernalia, offerings, and ingredients for the concluding pizza party.
Initially we decided that, since it is a private family ritual, we would only invite close friends or relatives. Word spread about the pizza party, however, and many uninvited guests showed up unexpectedly. It must have been Sri Kṛṣṇa's arrangement because some invited guests weren't able to attend. We ended up hosting a much larger party than we planned; more vaisnavara were received and served pizza prasadam.
The fire sacrifice was beautiful; I was very happy and relieved to perform this ritual finally. It signifies that we (extended family) are no longer in mourning, and that we can observe joyful festivals now.  We will have to wait approximately three months before we can do any celebratory samskars due to chaturmas, but hopefully we will have good news to announce soon. I don't want to jinx it so I wait until we are certain.

Shraddha samskar

I'm so exhausted from running, shopping, cooking, organizing, socializing and feasting that I hardly have the energy to stand. I just wanna go to my room and immerse myself in ruffles and possibly prameya-tattva, if I feel up to the intense mental strain. Everything else can go away until I come out of my cloister. Another feast is said and done and I have to say it was a huge success. My dear god-brothers are an inspiration and performers of great feats. Sripati prabhu and Srivas prabhu cooked, Sundar Gopal prabhu preformed the fire sacrifice, Divya Ratna prabhu yakked on the phone incessantly and Chandaneswar prabhu barked out orders to everyone like nobody's business. They were in and out of here like a special weapons and tactics team of culinary sciences and so forth. Now Dallas is bereft of the clamoring from this weekend. Many devotees arrived on the bus tour; talented, charming and humorous youth from all over North America came. We were fortunate enough to serve them prasadam during the lunch feast in honor of Purandar Acharya Prabhu's deceased father. Surely serving so many devotees during his shraddha ceremony will be to his spiritual benefit, I can only pray the Lord will shelter him now. I really wish I had spent more time with them when I visited, not only was the environment ideal, pristine and serene but the villagers were by far the humblest, most hospitable and honorable people I've encountered. I want to go back there right now. I feel comfortable and at home with Purandar's family, they are incredibly sweet and loving, it's hard not to feel like you've found yourself among old friends.I have just one meditation aside from living in the holy places, I know of no better abode within this material sphere. I will make sure to spend more time in their village on my next trip to India. God, I miss India.

Merriment

Today we celebrated our spiritual master's, Srila Bhakti Charu Swami, Vyasa Puja ceremony at home with the help and kindness of a few friends and family. While it was a small program, it was incredibly sweet and fulfilling. We worked throughout the day preparing the prasadam feast, garlands, flowers, cleaning and arranging furniture. My hands were corroded from handling water and garlanding all morning but I enjoyed myself. By evening time, I was incredibly exhausted and ready to crash on the nearest cushioned surface, which just so happened to be the newly placed sofa-bed. I slept for several hours only to suddenly wake up at one a.m. to the call of nature and dying of thirst simultaneously. I drank too much soda, I should know better than that by now. Sheesh!
After Tulasi-arati this morning, Krishna Chandra circumambulated, offered water and obeisances to Srimati Tulasi Devi, then offered flowers to Srila Prabhupada (large painting) and Guru Maharaj (in a smaller, photographic form). He helped me by clipping the roses and leaves for me and placing them into a bowl of water to rinse while I strung two garlands-- a long one for Srila Prabhupada and another for Gurudev. I like remembering September 17 as both Srila Prabhupada's arrival in the West and Gurudev's birthday so I can commemorate them both on the same day... today is a very, very special day for me, for ISKCON. During the daytime, Purandar Acharya and Chandaneśwar prabhus cooked a nice feast, I started cleaning and rearranging furniture once my help was no longer needed in the kitchen.
My bedroom was really messy and untidy, even though I hate to admit it-- I'm glad Chandaneśwar prabhu kept pushing me to clear out the mess before the feast, that way the guests could sit in the room and relax on the couch if the living or dining rooms were too crowded. Unfortunately, I don't live in the mansion I'd like or have an enormous space for accommodating many, many Vaishnavas at once but I pray to Krishna that one day this will be the case. I still have a ridiculous amount of clothing, half of which must be cleared out of my closet... somehow or other. I guess I can always drop it off at the temple and hope someone can use it. I want to rid myself of all my old karmi clothes and start designing and sewing my new wardrobe. I have several fabric bolts sitting in my closet as I type, anxiously awaiting for proper engagement. They whisper sweet-nothings in my ear when no one else is around and the room is quiet enough to hear a pin drop. I wonder if anyone suspects my sewing insanity? I must finish other projects first though including a new Deity outfit in green and magenta pink I've been scheming. We'll see what happens next, it will all come to pass just as the Lord desires.

Busy Bee

Well these past few days, being exceptionally jam-packed with errands, work, family emergencies and the like, have not allowed me to even check my e-mails properly. And let me tell you, it's really overwhelming when you open your e-mail and see dozens and dozens of e-mail, all equally important and interesting, that you know deep down in your heart you couldn't possibly read right away, probably because some are so damn long! You know who you are... For now, I've only read the ones that are of dire importance and absolutely necessary and I will try to catch up with the rest later. :(
I've spent the past several days at work with my husband (there was a death in the boss' family and I babysat their young daughter) and realised that spending every waking second with your spouse is not the ideal situation for me, I imagine not for anyone else either. To top that off, Krishna Chandra behaved like an insane person, throwing manic fits and tantrums at the slightest of slights, and fought with me a good portion of the time we were there. Eventually he settled down and started playing happily with Isha that by the time it was time to leave, he was too attached to Isha to leave and threw another fit. Isha was sweet, she tried to calm him down and keep him occupied by playing hopscotch, reading and playing other games, she behaved just like a responsible big sister so I know she will be fine when her little sibling comes along. Somehow, we managed to calm Krishna Chandra at home, after all, he just wanted a nap in his own bed and a glass of milk-- was that too much to ask for? It's funny how we, as adults, take for granted the very small, minute details of everyday life! On other news, we're going to go on a road trip to Kansas City soon, we're picking up Purandar Acharya prabhu along the way and I'm excited to see all the cool stuff along the highways and country roads, hopefully I'll see some of those famous butterflies and get some time to peruse the city.


I want to attend the Sunday Love Feast at the temple but I have my doubts that it will come to be. Anyway, it'll be nice to see the country before winter comes and now is the perfect time to go, considering the sweltering summer heat has dissipated to tolerable conditions. I will let you know what's going on and take some pictures along the way. I'm excited about the fall and winter season which is yet to arrive, there are so many wonderful festivals coming up, that I've started having dreams about it. Strangely, in the past week or two I've had three dreams about Lord Jagannath, Baladev and Subhadra mayi, which make me wonder and daydream all day long. A few days ago, I had a dream about Guru Maharaj in which we had a long, drawn out conversation about a special spiritual topic, which I'd rather keep to myself for now; I inquired further and further into the subject until I was up to my neck in transcendental nectar! All the while, Srila Gurudev kept a beautiful, blissful smile on his face and his countenance seemed to become more elated with each of my questions or doubts that would arise. I always thought that the spiritual master becomes annoyed with those who have doubt or too many questions, but after that dream I started to question that idea. I wondered if the spiritual master receives some kind of special transcendental happiness from addressing questions or dispelling the disciples' doubts that arise from atheistic or demoniac mentalities. It reminded me of the very interesting and complicated relationship Srila Prabhupada had with Dr. Patel... I think you guys who read or hear the morning walks' transcripts know what I'm talking about.

Teaching Sanskrit and Re-learning Bengali

I was reading today, Srila Prabhupada says that the woman's foremost duty is to train the children early to become first class devotees of Krishna. He says they should be diversified and learn little ABCs, take prasadam, chant and see the Deities, play etc. that way they are always engaged by some activities and will be naturally inclined towards devotional life. Right now, Krishna Chandra already knows his ABCs and 123s... but that was really not all my doing. My sister had a bigger part in that, she was sitting with Krishna Chandra and keeping him company while I looked after the house, cooking, cleaning, worshipping the Deities, caring for Tulasi etc. She managed to teach him letters and numbers and I played my small part by regularly quizzing him after his daily lessons. I would point or show random letters and ask him to identify them, usually he was successful but sometimes he would be confused. We realised that his lowercase letters had to be clarified-- Maria quickly tutored him and soon enough, he could tell his lowercase 'L' from his uppercase 'I'. Soon enough he was increasing his speech and speed, we would mention to people that he knew his ABCs and they would seem kind of skeptical. It also didn't help that Krishna Chandra didn't feel enthusiastic to show his talents on the spot, either. That was almost a year ago that we started him first vowels, then consanants, little by little he has learned it all and has it memorized backwards and forwards. Today I started Krishna Chandra on Sanskrit vowels, mainly because I thought that he would grasp Sanskrit easily, he already recites Sanskrit prayers by his own volition and that would be beneficial for him as well. He already insists on doing the evening arati and with a little supervision I let him do it, just to keep him from throwing a tantrum. Usually he likes to sing Brahma Samhita prayers, "govindam adi purusham tam aham bhajami", especially in the early morning. Sometimes he will just sing that one line all day long from morning to evening, but somewhat broken and mis-pronounced. Sometimes he likes to chant "Jaya Jagannath" and when I hear it I really enjoy his kirtan. I think to myself, "Wow, even a child can do it so why not I?" Lately, I have not been in the practice of speaking/reading/writing Bangali and so I also wanted to keep practicing my Bengali. Nowadays a lot of letters have gone unused as they're only used for transcribing Sankrit texts and some people feel its unnecessary to have so many Bengali alphabets and plus there's a whole crap-load of conjunct letters. Those letters shouldn't be forgotten and removed from the Bengali alphabet, it is a very useful part of the Bengali literature and culture. There are so many wonderful renaissance Bengali poets whose works should be studied in universities across the globe. I think there should be a Bengali Language and Literature Major in every major university in the world, that way many people can read the great literary works of Chandidas, Vidyapati, Vrindavana Das Thakur, Krishnadas Kaviraj, and Bhaktivinod Thakur and benefit greatly. It is not just my opinion but the instruction of the acharyas that everyone should learn from Vaishnava literature about topics of Krishna, especially the Bengali literatures. Bangla is such a sweet language, I only regret that I have neglected it for so long and now I have no godbrothers to speak or practice with. Purandar Acharya-dada used to always inquire from me in Bengali, everything from "What are you cooking?" to "Where is your husband and what is that rascal up to?" and usually I would earnestly try to reply him in Bangla as much as I could but slowly I was degraded and lost my touch. I hope Krishna Chandra inspires me to re-learn that beautiful language, then I can read the literatures of all the Gaudiya Vaishnava acharyas in the original text very fluently. I can read the text and pronounce correctly but I am not very adept or fluent, sometimes I see a conjunct that I've not seen in a while and it confuses the hell out of me. This usually happens with transcribed Sanskrit texts because a lot of the symbols are rare and unused in modern Bengali print-- I just have to practice or I'll completely forget. Oh well, wish me luck.