The Disciple's Vow

At times I feel overwhelmed, alone and afraid. I don't even recognize myself sometimes and I feel as if I've transformed into an entirely different person. I've learned that, like a marriage, it is impossible for one to truly know their spiritual partner. One could spend his or her entire life with someone and still have a shallow or incomplete understanding of that individual. A spiritual master may see only what representation the disciple portrays of him/herself. (The eternal spiritual master who resides in the heart, Sri Guru, however, is never fooled.)
Disciples frequently lack the maturity or complexity to understand the desire and wishes of the spiritual master. Likewise, it is daunting to understand the Self. While the pact between master and disciple is before God to each other, allegiance in spiritual life is also an allegiance to the Self. The disciple is obligated to act always in his spiritual best interest. By no exaggeration, it is the primary priority of the initiated disciple to remain chaste to her eternal spiritual identity and duty. Failure to do so would hamper all progress and lead her astray; in fact, such misgivings could turn her away from the spiritual path entirely if given to offenses and accumulated misconceptions.
I do not know my Self. I do not understand my Self. I've often succumbed to doubt, temptation, fear and, most of all, hesitation. I fear to act, speak, feel or think for fear that it may not be palatable to others. I fear that my actions could be misconstrued or condemned or deemed reckless. I've found few things that truly bring me joy-- music, martial arts, and dedicated study. I've found that often I learn more valuable lessons in pursuit of mundane knowledge than in a dry discourse. I've seen drug addicts, addicts of the flesh, gamblers and so-called lost souls with more humanity, compassion and wisdom to offer than even the most weathered practitioner in temple. I find their lessons most valuable, relevant and influential-- for they remind me that the Lord can lead anyone back Home just as easily as illusion can lead her astray.
O Keshava! I've seen You staring back at me in the pages of a book. I have seen the Lord-- He was hidden between scribbled notes on the page. The Lord was found in careful arithmetic and calculations, in the relaxed breath between poetic phrases, dancing amid notes on sheet music. He was intelligence, beauty, an exasperated sigh and fluent understanding breaching forth from the page. I felt the Divinity within myself, around me, encoded within the multiverse, and brimming forth unbounded! I felt alone in this realization as I feared no one else had this same vision and yet I felt swaddled, safe in the Divine Feminine's arms.
Of all my identities, I found that the one I treasure, protect and keep hidden is the one that I should nurture and cultivate. She is locked away in a tower, accessible only with great effort. She is appalled and frustrated and distrustful of the outside world. She lives in her own imagination, in a fantastic faery-tale realm with ivory towers that offer her fortification from the grotesque. She is alone and peaceful, and yet restless and yearning for escape. She remains chaste, loyal and faithful to her spiritual master and awaits patiently his orders and instructions!

Gita Jayanti Dream

Today I had a dream about the Lord again.
Today is Gita Jayanti Day, the day Bhagavad Gita was spoken on the battlefield of Kurukshetra.
My dream was set on the battlefield, in fact. I was thinking about this metaphor for life and I realized there would be many lesser battles that I would have to participate in before I could be strong enough to fight in a large war alongside the great warriors. As I was contemplating this, Lord Hanuman appeared before me and asked me, "Do you know Arjuna's battle cry?" I responded in the negative and he said, "Just see! I'll take you there." With this mystic powers, he shrunk me down to the size of a worn down pencil and took me along the sidelines of the Kurukshetra battlefield. There I saw thousands upon thousands of chariots, horses, elephants, and millions of warriors primed for battle. He took me in closer and pointed out Arjuna's chariot, "There it is! Look closely!" he said as he pointed out the sacred banner waving proudly from Arjuna's chariot. "I sit atop his chariot. Look, I am there upon his flag!"

I felt silly throughout, I knew that Hanuman was on Arjuna's flag, but why did he ask me if I knew Arjun's battle cry? Suddenly I heard Hanuman shout, "Jay Ramachandra Bhagavan!" and then someone else shouted "Jai Bajrangbali!" I felt certain it was none other than Arjuna himself.
Though I had some doubt as to whether Hanumanji was ever present during the Mahabharat, I got this sense that I would be better off simply accepting the lesson and blessed appearance of Hanuman in my dream. Jai Bajraangbali! Jai Ramchandra Bhagavan! Jai Sri Krishna Bhagavan!
I still don't know what the dream really was about, but I want to ask my scholar friends about Hanuman's role during Mahabharat.

Bored Ramblings

Last night I had a dream that I was cooking kheer, rice pudding, and it reminded me of my fifth wedding anniversary in Belpukur when I made kichuri (rice and lentil stew) and kheer for Madan Gopal. I can't recall the dream, but from what I can put together, it was pretty lucid and realistic. There were no demons and I was no demon slayer. There was no handsome stranger trying to seduce me away from my partner. There was no grand temple inauguration or festival I was presiding over. How boring. What I can tell you is that when I woke up this morning, I specifically remembered dream-self desperately wanting to make kheer for Giriraj so I think it means Giriraj wants kheer. :)
In other news, Chandaneswar prabhu is training me in deity worship. We have been increasing our regular service since Giri Govardhan śila arrived in our home this summer and Chandaneswar prabhu wants me to know all the priestly stuff. It's slow going because between school, Krishna Chandra, martial arts, Giriraj, and sewing, I have to brush up on my Bengali to read up on procedures. It's definitely worth the trouble though, regardless of whether I receive brahmin initiation or not.
Since Giriraj arrived, I've been doing more crafting. Giriraj is definitely easier to sew for because He doesn't have specific dimensions that I must adhere to like the Deity forms. Also, since He receives daily bathing and dressing and doesn't have a wardrobe, I'm constantly designing new jewelry and outfits for him. Sometimes we borrow items from the other Deities for Giriraj to wear. I might knit or crochet something for him tomorrow. It's Odana sasti.
I'm supposed to go to India again this winter and I might see you-know-who. I'm still mad at him because he's an idiot, but I love him so I guess I should try to reconcile the relationship or at least try not to slap the living hell out of him. Anyway, I talked to him on the phone a couple weeks back and he apologized, slightly, but I imagine even that was a huge step for him and his enormous ego. I don't even know why the hell I answered the phone. I don't even know why the hell I told him I'd be in Mayapur. I don't even know why the hell I want to see him after all that bullshit he did and said to me. At any rate, I can't wait to hang out with Sanat Kumar and Jayadev's family. Hopefully we get to travel to Vrindavan or something. I really want to take them on pilgrimage. They seem hopeful as well.
The end of the semester is upon us and you know what that means-- finals week. In my case, I have a music jury I'm not particularly excited about. I feel like I'm butchering this poor concerto at this point. I don't think practicing this last couple days is going to give me any more of an edge; I think I've already over practiced and strained my body this semester. That's probably why my shoulders are sore every morning and why my hands cramp or go numb. I feel weakness or numbness in my right hand more often than my left and I always thought it was because my muscles were developing again. Last week my left hand cramped and fell asleep during my lesson! Somehow I managed to play through it, we were sight-reading a Bach partita, double stops and all. I didn't tell my master because I was afraid he'd make me put my instrument down for fear of dropping it. I think I worry him. If I ask him about stuff like this, he gives me the worried look tells me to sit down for a minute.
What else? There's a dozen other things I'd love to talk about but I can't right now. I have to finish some Chemistry homework/labs. :((
Oh, I hate typing Chem labs. There's a million data cells and you have to keep your data organized and shit or you may screw up your report. Great fucking waste of hours of your time.

Tolerating Happiness

Yesterday I heard a deafening screeching in my ear. It was the sound of energetic enthusiasm unbounded and unrestrained. I told myself that this too would pass... both happiness and distress are fleeting. Actually, my eagerness and excitement were expected so I knew precisely how to counteract it. Temperance, young grasshopper. I didn't think anyone would understand if I told them that I was tolerating happiness, or my need to do so, and so my mind connected two completely unrelated situations and men to each other. I later confided to one, "This incident reminded me of some words you spoke a while back. I'm tolerating happiness." and he chuckled, nodded and earnestly said, "If Krishna's devotee remembers me, it is to my good credit." I felt closer bonded to him than before. How can you tell someone you love them in so many words? Is that possible?
I believe it is. A simple gesture, glance, or words can have the evocative phrasing and nuance of a finely crafted poem. That isn't to say that he understood the full import of my experience. I can not know for sure, of course, but I don't think he understands how deeply his words moved me or what profound truths were revealed therein. If you ever read this: I love you! 

Drowning in the Ocean of Material Existence

My offering to Srila Rtadhavaj Swami on the occassion of his Vyasa Puja:

শ্রী-রূপ-মঞ্জরী-পদ, সেই মোর সম্পদ,

সেই মোর ভজন-পূজন

সেই মোর প্রাণ-ধন, সেই মোর আভরণ,

সেই মোর জীবনের জীবন

To my beloved Spiritual Masters,

I am drowning in the ocean of material existence. I have to take a moment to let that sink in and remind myself of this harsh reality.
As a child, I didn't have many playmates or friends. As a result, I often imagined or fantasized. Many times, I would daydream about happy moments with my only friend, my imaginary friend. At night I cried myself to sleep and begged the Lord to make my wish come true. "Please, my Sweet Lord, please let me be Your friend. I have no companion except for You. Please be my friend."
As a five or six-year old child, I never imagined that I would one day encounter a rich theology and practice that accepted and encouraged this type of relationship with the Almighty. It certainly seemed strange to my immediate relatives so I kept my yearnings secret and hidden.
Lacking friends, I imagined that the Lord Himself would befriend me, but I knew it was only possible in the hereafter. I imagined that we would play leapfrog, frolic in the grass, climb trees, catch crickets and go for a swim in the creeks. I would never be tired or unhappy as long as I was in the company of my Best Friend. He would be my eternal companion.
Lacking guidance and proper counsel, I prayed, hoped and fantasized about a perfectly wise and benevolent soul to mentor and guide me. I begged the Lord to reveal that person, that perfect sage and ever well-wisher to my material eyes. I hoped that I wouldn't have to wait until the afterlife to meet him.
Some nights, as I knelt before my altar and prayed before an image of the Guardian Angel, I felt or heard a reassuring voice that soothed my heart and alleviated my distress. "You will see me." and "I will meet with you face to face."

Even in my wildest imaginations I never thought that the entity I simplistically identified as the Guardian Angel or the Holy Spirit would manifest or reveal himself in my lifetime. I was broken and shattered inside for many years and my faith gradually dwindled. What were the chances that, if such a perfected  being existed, the Lord would reveal that person to me and grant me the opportunity to associate with him personally?
The Lord works in mysterious ways, they say. In order to shatter my doubts and reestablish my faith, the Lord not only revealed His most confidential servant, the jagat-guru, Srila Prabhupada, He also revealed His confidential pastimes, Names, instructions, and associates to me.

I am now confident that I will one day play with Krishna. It shall one day come to pass. It may take millions of births but I am certain of this truth for only one reason: it is certain because the Lord has revealed to me the many splendorous manifestations of Sri Guru. I have seen them and met them face to face.
And so it happens that I am no longer drowning the ocean of material existence. I am frolicking happily in the forest of Braj hand in hand with Krishna-- it is solely a matter of time.

New Acquaintances

Have you ever met someone new and trusted him or her implicitly? I do not typically trust or disclose much personal or pertinent information about myself to strangers or casual acquaintances but when I do, it is because I feel like I haven nothing to lose by holding back. I guess that is how I have felt lately. I instinctively felt that I could trust this person with myself because sHe knew who I was and where I was headed or what I wanted in life or in death. I can’t describe it any other way and for some reason, I feel like I want to express every part of it, expose the darkest corners of that dream and let you see inside.

I got that feeling recently from someone in real life and it caught me off guard. I disclosed information that I have been holding on to for a long time. I did not think twice or hesitate about disclosing it. I even felt this person was trustworthy and worthy of my truth. This has not happened to me a lot but it has started happening with more frequency. At first, I met a few people that I trusted with vaguely personal things, and then I met many people—complete outsiders from my world—but I felt that they were not outsiders, they were insiders and they knew me. They knew the deepest parts of me because they experienced, felt, and understood the same experiences.
Lately I have been focusing only on violin studies and my personal puja. I do not worry if people do not see me at the temple; in fact, I have stopped going every day. There was a time when I had to go to temple for darshan once a day. It was compulsory. Now I do not really care and many times I do not even bother going to feasts for very long if I am not feeling it. Instead, I stay home and worship my personal deities. I gather flowers and leaves from my garden for Them and bathe Them with a simple abhishek. I give them Tulasi leaves and sing for Them without fancy melodies but with heartfelt lyricism.
All right, so in my dream, I travelled to Mayapur with some friends. We would be there about a month or so and I heard that Indradyumna Maharaj was coming back to India around that time so I brought my violin with me. I waited around the Mayapur Chandradaya Mandir in hopes of seeing some familiar faces or making new friends. As it turned out, a few young women were walking by, clad in bright yellows, pinks, and whites, and carrying instruments, costumes, and sewing baskets. I immediately fell in with them and befriended their leader. They were all from Eastern Europe and met at various events. The leader was hand-sewing new outfits that employed Indo-Western fused fashion elements. I was taken aback because I have never seen another devotee wear, much less create that kind of garb for temple activities, and she was doing it by hand. I have experience with sewing machine but I will be the first to admit that my hand stitching needs more practice and I realized this would be an excellent way to learn and improve my craft. Interested, I asked her if she needed help, an assistant, to press, gather, pleat, baste and so on. I explained that I had some experience but I wanted to learn more from her and she agreed. First, I noticed she was making pleated trim by hand so I offered to show her a technique I developed that made the process much faster. When I showed her, her face lit up and she said, “That’s brilliant! What else do you know? Quickly we became best friends by exchanging methods and techniques; she also loved music and studied back home so naturally Maharaja brought her along during Harinam tours and concerts. Her quarters hosted a dozen other girls, equally talented in various fields. Some girls were dancer/choreographers, others costume designers, other actresses and directors, and some were painters. When they learned that I studied violin, they asked me to join their troupe and I was so excited that they invited me in!
Later on, I went back to the temple where I saw a disturbing sight. My mother travelled to India and was lying in a cot sick and weak. I went to see her but she said it was merely jetlag and she’d been worse before. I told her that she should have told me should would come so I could arrange lodging for her but she said, “No, just let me sleep and close the door.” When I opened the door to exit, rays of light streamed in, and I noticed some boys in bed with her, my nephews! All four curled up with grandma, snuggled in close like wolf pups in a den. I asked her why she brought them along, scolding her, “Don’t you know they can’t stay in these quarters? This is for the local pilgrims who cannot afford lodging! They need beds, not woven cots! The heat will get to them, they need running water, showers, and AC!” Next to them, I saw another devotee I recognized from Dallas. I was stunned; certainly, an American can afford a room in the guesthouse, so why was he bunched up on a horrible cot in the underbelly of the building? When I kissed my nephews and mother, they felt hot! I felt obligated to check the other devotee as well, so I touched his foot and sure enough, he was burning up with fever and his body was covered in sweat. Disturbed and embarrassed, I walked away in search of a devotee friend who runs the guest services in hopes of securing a couple rooms for my family and possibly this other devotee. I searched around the compound but I could not find him and he is usually easy to spot because he rides around on a bright blue motorcycle. Instead, I ran into my new friends and told them what was going on. They said they had some friends who would gladly take them in. Their house was outside of the temple compound but a short walk away. They also had AC, indoor plumbing with hot water and plenty of space for four young boys. I was relieved. Maybe these women were heaven sent, I thought, they were the loveliest and kindest ladies I ever met and they took me in like one of their own.

                                                                                                     

Well-Oiled Machine

Sri Gopi Nath Giri Dhari

Sri Lakshmi

Today Chitravasini and I had errands and shopping to do early in the morning so I didn't get to worship My Lordships this morning. Fortunately, I knew that today was going to be busy so I prepared the lunch menu and got most of the preliminary stuff out of the way. I didn't get home until almost 2pm, but as I don't have a fixed schedule for Their worship and so on, I figured I could run errands and do the puja later. After their abhishek and srngar, I offered Them something to eat and I was surprised to see that I completed my full routine in under an hour! I love it when the everything runs smoothly like a well-oiled machine!

Sri Sri Lakshmi Narasimha Deva

Sri Madan Gopal Ji

I have been struggling the past few weeks to get any new ideas for Deity outfits. The last time I made Their Lordships a new outfit was probably around a festival. I really want to make more time for Them and use some of the new brocade fabric that is sitting around idly. I hope I can get more time, but as it stands, I hardly get enough time for myself. Most of my time is consumed my school, puja, and practicing. I hope Lord Balaram empowers me and Lord Krishna accepts my offerings. Today my jasmine didn't give many flowers and I think this is because it's going out of season soon. I'm really upset because on top of this, my gardenia has passed away. I figured I could revive her but after weeks of struggling with her, I finally put her to rest. I uprooted her from the soil and I saw her root system was not very strong. This is unfortunate; I'm really depressed but hopefully I get more flowers and shrubs this weekend! Chandaneswar prabhu hired a landscaper to plant new gardenia shrubs for me!

nityanandam aham naumi sarvananda karam param
harinam pradam devam avadhuta shiromani 

namo maha vandanyaya krishna prema pradayate
krishnaya krishna-chaitanya namne gaura tvishe namah

Jay Gopeswar Mahadev!

Unanswered Queries

This morning I had a few errands to run before  I could go biking but I finally made it out of the house and headed to Lindsley Park. I had a weird dream about something or other but the most interesting thing so far are the confetti egg remnants around my perch.

There's confetti, flour and crushed eggshells everywhere! A small part of me is a bit grossed out by the eggshells but, mostly, I'm amused. I didn't know that anyone still played with confetti eggs or, even more fascinating, that people still go through the trouble of making them. It's notoriously tedious and time consuming.
I remember mom used to prepare weeks in advance. She would start collecting, cleaning and coloring eggs as early as February, or January, if she anticipated an egg shortage. To this day, I don't know who keeps track of egg production and consumption like she did (except for maybe commodities brokers who invest in eggs and whose livelihoods' depend on it) or how one goes about this task. WTF, mom?
I still don't know how she managed to cut such a uniform hole without shattering the eggs, or how she found the time to wash, color and fill them with colored paper confetti and flour! How she loved seeing us play with them! She really loved Easter festivities and I don't know if there was another occasion that she enjoyed as much.
These past few weeks have been stressful. Our trip to India was postponed, Purandar Acharya is throwing himself into this work, I'm biking to fill the extra time, Chandaneswar is focusing on his health and diet and Krishna Chandra seems perfectly content without his electronic devices. (He lost privileges a couple weeks back) He's almost too happy and content with out them. I mean, how will I punish him if he misbehaves? I could take his bike privileges but truly it would hurt me as much as him. I love riding together. It's the most fun we have whether we're alone or together. I really enjoy it and it gives us a great excuse to go outside at a moment's notice.
Yesterday, Chandaneswar, Purandar Acharya and I were watching a Bengali film named Kaler Rakhal but only the first hour and a half was available on YouTube. I'm so upset because there are a couple of Baul songs that I love but they're on the second half of the film. I've been searching everywhere for it with no luck. Where can it be??
Well, we're probably going to India this summer but I'm upset that we won't be able to travel with Lokojit prabhu. He's the best travel guide ever and knows all the best spots and people. At least we still have each other. I feel like we're desperately clinging to each other now more than ever before. I feel lost and alone adrift an ocean of anxiety but my raft mates keep my company and sanity. I don't know what I would be with out them. I don't know where I would be without them. I don't who I would be without them. Sometimes I think to myself, "Renounce this lifestyle and give yourself completely to Gauranga!"
What shall become of us, Thakur?

Winter Adventure

Lonely Plains

There is nothing but lonesome empty plains as far as the eyes can see as we enter the Texas landscape. Gone are the regal red rock mountains and rugged terrain of Arizona and New Mexico. Why, the very sight of the gentle slopes and fields signal my imminent arrival back home. I am relaxed and poised as I arrive in my home state. It isn’t as if I was unwelcome elsewhere, but something about Texas welcomes me, soothes me, and lulls me into a restful state.

Last night I had a strange dream that broke me from my sleep. When I awoke, I realized that I had the same dream before, except this time I couldn’t recall the exact details. While I wanted to disclose the entire dream, I could only recall a few things and those caused me shame so I didn’t tell my husband. At last, I told him that I was startled awake but that I couldn’t remember why.  Interestingly enough, he told me that he had a strange dream that was also identical to a previous dream, almost a year old.

My dream went something like this: we were traveling en masse throughout India on pilgrimage; this isn’t unusual as we have plans to travel to India soon. Around that time, a young handsome man seduced me and to atone for my sinful thoughts I resolved to shave my head and give up any semblance aisvarya or opulence. This detail is also striking because for years, I contemplated monasticism and a few years ago I grew obsessed with shaving my head much to Chandaneswar’s protest. A few days ago, Chandaneswar mentioned that we were going to visit Thirupati Balaji and I could shave my head there if I still wanted to do it. Anyhow…

In the dream,  I removed my precious gems and metals and dressed myself only in simple cloth. Thereafter, I decorated myself with tilak, sacred clay markings upon my upper body and asked my husband’s blessings to perform penance. He indicated that he would not give me his blessings because he felt that it was unnecessary for me to atone for a mere mental lapse in chastity. After lecturing me on the nature of Kali Yuga, the age of quarrel and hypocrisy, he advised me to forgive myself and move forward with my spirituality with greater enthusiasm but not to remove myself from society or take to asceticism or renunciation.

At this point, I argued that if I remained in society and continued to associate freely with materialistic society, it was possible or very likely that the quality and sincerity of my spiritual endeavors would slowly deteriorate over time.

I added that if one man had so easily tempted me after only a passing encounter, it was highly probable that I would be weaker in more trying circumstances. To that, he countered that everyone in Kali Yuga commits sins by mind and we should neglect them. After some discussion, we both decided to take to renunciation and travel together.  Strange dream, no?

What Shall I Do?

The other day I looked into your eyes and wondered if they had any end. Where do you come from, dear one, and how were you created? From which materials did the Creator fashion you that rendered you immensely and intensely sweet and tender?

How can I understand your mind? Have you anything else in your heart besides inherent saintliness and compassion for fallen souls such as me? My Liege, bestow your warm embrace and poised grace upon me!

Sectarianism in Vaishnava Practice

It's only one o'clock in the afternoon right now. It took me about twenty minutes to do my make up but I feel like it really should have taken me much longer. Am I getting better at applying makeup or did I just skip something important out of forgetfulness? I don't know.
I completed a discussion assignment for my online class and I feel like I spent a disproportionate amount of my week studying for what turned out to be a fairly easily topic to address. Not that the assignment was easy, what I mean is, I didn't think I had at least 400 words to say on the subject until I started typing up my response. Before I knew it, I was over 700 words, I guess I should have word-counted sooner, so I spend more time cutting the fat than I actually spend organizing my thoughts. Interesting.
Also, I wanted to post a photo of Brahmacharini Devi but I decided against it because I remember I attached one during an earlier post from last year about an interesting dream I had. It's here, if you're interested in reading about it. Instead, let me post a picture of Durga's nine incarnations because I haven't done that yet. As Vasanta Durga puja approaches, I've been considering performing Durga puja and Saraswati puja at home. We'll see what happens... wish me luck.
Actually, I've wanted to do goddess pujas in the past, but being an advocate for Vaishnavism and a practicing Vaishnava, it is typically frowned upon to worship demigods. In my quest for spiritual understanding, I've outgrown all the sectarian supremacy and dogmatic nonsense. I really believe that Goddess puja is as spiritually rewarding and fulfilling for a sincere practitioner as Vishnu or Krishna puja. That is to say, if someone has a sincere desire for spiritual upliftment, not material benefits. Years ago, I had several dreams about Goddesses beckoning me to Their worship. She urged me to worship Her in order to receive maximum results; I still don't know what 'maximum results' entails, however, it is ever-enticing an offer.
I believe that in our earnest (and zealous) ambition to worship Sri Krishna, we may inadvertently offend and disrespect demigods, which negatively affects our sadhana bhakti. The result being the same as offending a Vaishnava. Krishna devotees seem to forget that demigods are expansions of the Supreme Absolute Truth as well as servants of Krishna so we should offer Them all respects (though we aren't obligated to worship Them either). They are not ordinary souls, and if one agrees that Krishna is the Adi-Purush, one should also accept that all incarnations, expansions, etc come from Him, so in effect, we are offending Him to a degree when we disrespect demigods.

Begging Forgiveness

Oh Govinda! I am a monster in disguise,

A wolf in sheep's clothing,

An unscrupulous charlatan 

Deceiving the ignorant and innocent masses! 

Where have I gone wrong, Thakur?

Where, specifically, did I fall from Your Grace?

My Lord, I beg Your forgiveness,

Give me hope that I can rectify my senseless actions.

Show me the way out of this abyss!

I've stooped so low and become so degraded

That, at times, I hardly recognize my own self.

Is it possible, my Sweet Govinda, to do any worse harm than this?

It is better, by far, to die and quit this wretched body

Than commit such a senseless act of spiritual suicide.

What becomes of this lowly beggar? 

Madri begs Grace and Compassion from You and Yours!

Eternal Identity

The moon was high and the kirtan loud,

In that moment, I stood still in time

And recognized you for who you truly were.

I couldn't accept the past and reconcile my identities

But now, here we were, alone in eternal stillness.

I understood myself, I understood you,

And, for a moment, I understood the Almighty.

Suddenly, I knew all that needed knowing.

Then, I felt lost again. The moment didn't last.

I was thrust violently back into materia

Back into my subtle and gross bodies,

Back into my bodily consciousness.

When will I see you again?

The Cobra Disciple

Today Chandaneswar prabhu displayed his ugra-murti, fearsome manifestation.
In the past ten years, I have never seen him that angry and I'm his wife!
What was funny about it was how he related the story to me later. He appeared to become furious with a woman for no apparent reason. I didn't know that in actuality she was bothering him for a while with the same questions even after he told her he had a migraine. At home, he stated simply, "Even a garden snake can bite." It reminded me of a story I heard about the sage Narada.
On one of his journeys, Narada muni met with a cobra who had spiritual inclinations. Naturally, Narada muni converted him to the vaishnav faith and gave him some simple instructions to follow. The snake became immersed in chanting and gave up striking humans. After some time, the locals took notice and began tormenting that pacifist cobra. On his next trek toward that part of the world, sage Narada stopped by to visit his cobra-disciple to check on his progress. When Narada met with his disciple, he asked about his well-being and progress. The cobra said he was miserable as a vaishnav. Narada quickly asked his disciple why he was unhappy. "Harinam is delightful, bhakti is delightful, so why should you be miserable?" The cobra then related how the humans were abusing him in his new-found pacifism. Narada scolded him, "I told you not to attack, I never said you shouldn't show your fangs or raise your hood."
Sometimes it is necessary to display our displeasure, anger, or frustration in order to accomplish something worthwhile... even as vaishnavs.

Manasa Vegam

I don't know what else to write about except my insanely fickle mind.
At times I want something so badly, it hurts. Yet, within a couple days, or even hours, I might change my mind, and wonder what all the fuss was about to begin with. This has been happening with more frequency lately. Chandaneswar's advise is to chant even more.
Have you ever felt like you were being pulled in a dozen different directions? I do, and often. More recently I've encountered a crisis of faith or identity. I've spent the past ten years attempting some facsmile of spiritual life. Save for taking a vow of poverty, I lived an pretty ascetic life with my family. Chandaneswar and I recently had an epiphany. If we have skills and talents we can engage in Krishna Consciousness, while providing our son the best resources, aren't we cheating ourselves from doing our duty by living out an excessively austere lifestyle? He wants me to pursue music wholeheartedly, and I want to indulge in more materialistic pursuits. I'm still young, I reason. I started doing this when I was very young, and I have to say I've grown. I'm very proud of myself; frankly, I never thought I'd stick to this path for over ten years. Seriously. Chanting? I'm not particularly fond of it in all its forms, but I try to do it sincerely, and constantly seek the counsel of my more advanced friends and mentors. Above all, I've reached a point where I question myself constantly. Am I disingenuous? Do I have ulterior motives? Am I simply seeking out admiration and respect?
The more I ask these questions, the more I answer, "Yes, yes, and yes." At this point, I don't know whether to give up and walk away completely, or seek better services, association, and shelter. I feel dejected, ineffective, and stagnant in my spirituality. I know I wouldn't be able to go back to a completely "materialistic" lifestyle. I never fit in there, and I know I never will. That still doesn't dissuade me, however. I feel I'm at an impasse where I have to choose whether to continue on my path, or walk away from everything I know and love to explore and grow on a different path. I thought that writing it all out would help. I just feel even more torn.

Rescuing the Lord

Last night, I had a dream about a local devotee turned drama player. She has previously acted in temple dramas, and in my dream she had become a famous stage player. I was excited to see her on stage at a local university campus. As I approached the campus I heard a loud, nagging cry in my mind. I could hear the voice, but it seemed no one else could perceive it. I wondered, "Who is that?" and the voice clearly replied, "Who do you think?"
It was the Lord's voice, and He had specific demands. First, He informed me that he was being neglected by the young devotee actress. He complained that since she had become popular and successful, she had started to neglect Him. He was in the form of a small marble stone statue and traveled alongside her as she toured. He mentioned, "She has a lover who gives her gifts of flowers, jewelry, and sweets, but she does not share any of it with Me. She could at least offer something to Me, anything. She does not bathe, dress, feed, or put me to rest. I am just a statute to her. I am cold, hungry, sleepy, and lonely. I am so exhausted and have not slept for days. Come get me and take me to your home."
Hearing of this regrettable behaviour, I wondered to myself if it was possible to express my concern to her in person. I reasoned that being an educated and cultured young woman, she would admit some shortcomings and rectify her negligence. I set off in search for her, and found her in the arms of her lover, desperately embracing, kissing passionately, and still in full costume backstage. Both were stage players, and apparently fell violently in love during their tour. On closer inspection, I noticed that her lover was not a man, but an actress dressed as the male protagonist. My first impression was that she so desperately sought immediate gratification that she had not bothered to remove her elaborate makeup and costume, feed her Krishna Deity, or even check on Him in the dressing room first. I heard Sri Krishna speak once more, "You see? I told you, she is only concerned for herself; she is selfish! Come get me, quickly, before she comes back!" I finally relented and followed His directions toward the dressing rooms. After winding my way through the halls, I found her dressing room, there behind the unlocked door stood a small Krishna deity-- naked, alone, hungry, and dirty, very, very dirty. I snatched Him and instructed Him to hide in my handmade bag, and keep very quiet. He laughed at me and said, "You're the only one who can hear me, fool!" I woke up shortly after kidnapping Krishna, and escaping through the halls.
After analyzing the dream more carefully, I wonder how often I think of the Lord's well-being. The Lord does not need me to bath, feed, dress, or worship Him. He does not need my fruits, flowers, jewelry, or sweet offerings. He does not need my incense, ghee lamps, water, or ornate fans. He wants my love, devotion, affection, and attention. He cries out for me to look after Him. He mercifully gives me the opportunity to serve Him, without regard to my caste, creed, background, or social status.
He is never concerned with our bodies, but intends to pervade our minds, hearts, and souls. I wonder, regrettably, how negligent I am of Him in my daily worship. I wonder if the devotee actress is rather a representation of me. Having plenty of admirers and sensual pleasures abound, have I forgotten the Lord? Am I neglecting Him? Is he begging me to rescue Him from a lonely existence?

Resolute

This week I visited an academic advisor to help me decipher the course numbers on the Music Therapy degree plan, and now I know which courses correspond to those at TWU. Now, I can plan my schedule, get as many academic and music courses completed at my community college, and make some progress toward my desired degree. On other news, I am doing really well in History, Math, and English, and I am proud of myself. I thought History would sink me for sure, but I stuck with it and worked hard. I have not really practiced for Aural Skills this past week at all. I was too busy working on my last History essay, and it drained me of every drop of energy. 

Damodar month is slowly ending, and each day I feel like I am making spiritual progress. I have made new friends this month, and re-established lost connections with old friends. Sometimes I wonder if I make my relationships complicated intentionally. I do not know why I do it, but I know that it is very hard for me to trust people. Sometimes, I go out of my way to hide, and even push people away. I feel like only Krishna knows me, the real me, and that I can only trust Him and no one else. I do not know if this is right or wrong, or if it is the symptom of spiritual maturity or simply a defense mechanism due to false ego. However, I know that the scriptures say that our ultimate goal is Krishna, we should find no other shelter except Him, and until we have realized that all is in vain in the material sphere, we cannot progress into a special, spiritual relationship with Him. I guess that although I understand that Krishna is the Supreme Lord, the ultimate shelter and eternal friend, I still wonder if there is a special purpose for me on this planet. There is a reason Krishna gave me these particular skills, talents, and abilities. There is a reason Krishna has put me in this environment, with certain people, exposed to particular circumstances. I know there is not just chaos, but that I can learn a lesson from this. I am trying my best to seek out new experiences actively, to learn from my experiences, and capitalize on what I have learned. In order to do that though, I have to hone every skill in my possession. I cannot hide from myself anymore, either. I have to expose what I have been hiding from myself resolutely.

I pray constantly that Lord Balaram give me strength to pursue the unfathomable path of devotion. I cannot weather the obstacles and trials alone; no, I need special guidance and loving care from a nurturing spiritual master.

Inner Guide

I am not intentionally avoiding writing but when I looked at the last post date, I was stunned. I couldn't believe that I would let my blog sit for over a week without any kind of update or at least a draft for something. I would like to write more but lately there is not much to write about. I'm in school, I'm doing well, and that is about it. The only downside to doing well is that it leaves little room for tangible improvement. I'm improving damn it but I have nothing to show for it except a more formalized instruction of things that I had to figure out for myself many years ago. I was talking to my adviser about this a few weeks ago and mentioned that I felt one of my classes was just a reassurance of theories and philosophies I had come up with through the years and realizations I had from past experiences. He said that was a good thing and I knew immediately that it was. There is nothing more rewarding that the feeling of confirmation especially when you have to figure out everything by yourself and without a support system. It is taxing, on the mind and on the body as well, to have to think your way out of everything. Alone. I was relieved to know that my course was like a huge pat on the back telling me I was headed in the right direction all along. There was no need to ever doubt myself but that is what happens when you feel alone or lack a network of support. You feel lost and estranged, you think you're probably screwing everything up and your mind will play dirty tricks on you. I just have to say that if you are in doubt it's helpful to ask someone who has been there or done that. Sometimes, however, it is not so easy to find someone knowledgeable or understanding enough to confide in-- that is, except for the Lord. Krishna is always there, the Adi-Guru is always present in our hearts, whatever you may address Him as, Sri Guru, The Holy Spirit, Paramatma, or inner conscience, it is there. Listen to your "Inner Guide".

Slight Realizations

I'm trying to write things down as I understand or realise them but it is not so easy as I'm not eternally attached to a laptop or journal. Yes, I've been slacking on my diary entries too so I'm trying to concentrate on expressing my thoughts as they manifest.
I have a couple things that occurred to me recently. I was praying for someone in need when I thought, "Why don't I ask the same for myself?" and I immediately replied, "But, I feel blessed and selfless when I practice prayer for others." Continuing on that same thread of thought, I wanted to share a few things that have been etched in my consciousness for a while but just too shy to express fully.

Blessed are those who pray on others' behalf.

Blessed are those who submit their flaws before the Lord.

Blessed are those who bless others wholeheartedly.

Typically, we pray for ourselves and actively practice selfishness before the Lord. We submit our dilemmas to the Lord, hoping He will resolve them for us, and ignore our own faults and shortcomings. We hold back our blessings on others, thinking perhaps that they will succeed where we have failed and wish ill on them out of envy instead. This is the way of immature aspirants and the path to disgrace. I ask the supremely sweet Lord Krishna to please reveal and remove my flaws.

Resolve

This blog post is directed mainly at  +Chandra Das but I'm posting it publicly because I want others to know what is going on lately and what I am thinking. I'm not really satisfied with the way I have been managing my time. I was exposed to extremely different lifestyles lately and got first hand experience, however; and I realized that in comparison to others, I was doing relatively well as far as productive activity goes.

There are a lot of people in this part of the world that believe "Time is money." As a youngster I very much disliked the phrase, feeling that only greedy and self-involved personalities were inclined to think this way. As I grew older and matured, I realised that Time, quite literally, is money and prevention is 90% of the cure and that the early bird really does get the worm and there is plenty of time to heal wounds but not to sit around doing nothing all day. So, I want to say that it's better to be be a little bit uptight about how you manage your time rather that sit around as if Time itself were waiting on you or complain about all the terrible things that happen to us in life, lamenting things that are out of one's control and thinking too much about solutions that will not manifest if we don't take matters into our own hands. Matters which could be easily resolved if one had some of his own resolve. As Srila BV Madhava Swami Maharaj would say, "You should have done yesterday."

Things that I want completed this year: I guess asking that my return to school go by effortlessly and without any struggle would be too much realistically but due to my naive and ideal mind I desire it even more.

I'm looking forward to re-dedicating ourselves to our health, education and general well-being. It may involve spiritual, emotional and other therapuetic methods and so bet it because that's better that sitting around and worrying about a tomorrow that may or may not come to pass. Particularly if it was something
we should have tackled yesterday. :P

Spiritual and ontological gaps and pitfalls are innately present within ISKCON and  present a  future danger to us and other devotees as well. We need to change our perspective in many ways and it may require us to do deeper research within our scriptural evidences to provide alternate avenues of action within Krishna Consciousness. We need more broad perspective and depth into Gaudiya philosophy rather that blindly accepting ISKCON idiom and mindset. Sometimes the advice to just chant Hare Krishna is not enough, what ever happened to the method of acquiring and accessing adhikaar? And advising or seeking advise accordingly? Why did Krishna ask Arjun to take direct action? Why did he bother instructing Arjun as to the many courses of action and their respective consequences or reactions? Maybe these are a few issues that are better directed at our spiritual masters but some are managerial. I'd like to take steps into analyzing these inherently structural problems and brainstorming for solutions that can be adapted by the general body of Vaishnavas.
I feel like I've held all this inside my brain, mind and heart for so many years and it has finally come bursting forth much like a gushing river mouth. I simply can not hold it any longer and, much like a river, I feel it is best to let her run with minimal interference. If my thoughts have overwhelmed you, please don't mind. I myself realise that like a baby calf learning to use her legs, I may not yet know how to walk but I have a good idea of where I'm headed and what I will do once I arrive. Once I get a running start, I will be unstoppable!

Hare Krishna.

My Heart

My heart is wicked, cruel and hard like a rock. Having repeatedly felt the hard blows of Maya and my own karma, I feel suspcious and distrustful of everyone. I am selfish, greedy, angry, and bitter because I am constantly defeated in material endeavors. I even wish ill on others because my heart is so black with envy.
There are, however, just a handful of special souls that I have come to trust, love, respect and with whom I share my heart. Srila Bhakti Ratna Sadhu Swami Maharaj is among those polished and glittering gems I have found through the mercy of Sri Guru in my journey of spiritual life. Maharaj is a loving and understanding spiritual master, who takes time out of his busy schedule to listen to my juvenile and selfish complaints. He expertly guides me out of frustration and into determination with gentleness and understanding. His gentle-heart has thoroughly melted and captured my heart. Though I am unmotivated and spiritually innert, He inspires me to strive harder, set higher goals, and remain ever-enthusiastic in devotion.  Srila Sadhu Maharaj always enchants us with beautiful pastimes and, even though I am not qualified to understand them, they bring joyful tears to my eyes! I am stone-hearted and can not be moved otherwise but somehow, when Maharaj narrates a beautiful pastime or describes the Dham, Nama, or Parshads of the Lord, I feel inexplicable joy.
I can only surmise that it is due to the unbounded mercy of Sri Guru Gauranga and Sri Nityananda Avadhuta, that I have come across such a gem of pure devotion and bliss. I have witnessed with my own heart the deep significance of Maharaj's name: 'Bhakti' because he remains constantly enraptured in devotional service, "Ratna" because he is fully polished in the art of devotion and shines like a gem above all others, and "Sadhu" because he supercedes all standards, being naturally gentle and cultured in his demeanor, he wins the heart of everyone.
Thank you for your countless blessings and good will, Maharaj. Certainly one day I shall develop a taste for chanting the Holy Names of the Lord and I am certain it will be due to my great fortune-- your loving association.

Sri Nitai Pada Kamala