Thursday, July 10, 2014

Manasa Vegam

I don't know what else to write about except my insanely fickle mind.
At times I want something so badly, it hurts. Yet, within a couple days, or even hours, I might change my mind, and wonder what all the fuss was about to begin with. This has been happening with more frequency lately. Chandaneswar's advise is to chant even more.
Have you ever felt like you were being pulled in a dozen different directions? I do, and often. More recently I've encountered a crisis of faith or identity. I've spent the past ten years attempting some facsmile of spiritual life. Save for taking a vow of poverty, I lived an pretty ascetic life with my family. Chandaneswar and I recently had an epiphany. If we have skills and talents we can engage in Krishna Consciousness, while providing our son the best resources, aren't we cheating ourselves from doing our duty by living out an excessively austere lifestyle? He wants me to pursue music wholeheartedly, and I want to indulge in more materialistic pursuits. I'm still young, I reason. I started doing this when I was very young, and I have to say I've grown. I'm very proud of myself; frankly, I never thought I'd stick to this path for over ten years. Seriously. Chanting? I'm not particularly fond of it in all its forms, but I try to do it sincerely, and constantly seek the counsel of my more advanced friends and mentors. Above all, I've reached a point where I question myself constantly. Am I disingenuous? Do I have ulterior motives? Am I simply seeking out admiration and respect?
The more I ask these questions, the more I answer, "Yes, yes, and yes." At this point, I don't know whether to give up and walk away completely, or seek better services, association, and shelter. I feel dejected, ineffective, and stagnant in my spirituality. I know I wouldn't be able to go back to a completely "materialistic" lifestyle. I never fit in there, and I know I never will. That still doesn't dissuade me, however. I feel I'm at an impasse where I have to choose whether to continue on my path, or walk away from everything I know and love to explore and grow on a different path. I thought that writing it all out would help. I just feel even more torn.
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