Tolerating Happiness

Yesterday I heard a deafening screeching in my ear. It was the sound of energetic enthusiasm unbounded and unrestrained. I told myself that this too would pass... both happiness and distress are fleeting. Actually, my eagerness and excitement were expected so I knew precisely how to counteract it. Temperance, young grasshopper. I didn't think anyone would understand if I told them that I was tolerating happiness, or my need to do so, and so my mind connected two completely unrelated situations and men to each other. I later confided to one, "This incident reminded me of some words you spoke a while back. I'm tolerating happiness." and he chuckled, nodded and earnestly said, "If Krishna's devotee remembers me, it is to my good credit." I felt closer bonded to him than before. How can you tell someone you love them in so many words? Is that possible?
I believe it is. A simple gesture, glance, or words can have the evocative phrasing and nuance of a finely crafted poem. That isn't to say that he understood the full import of my experience. I can not know for sure, of course, but I don't think he understands how deeply his words moved me or what profound truths were revealed therein. If you ever read this: I love you! 

Unanswered Queries

This morning I had a few errands to run before  I could go biking but I finally made it out of the house and headed to Lindsley Park. I had a weird dream about something or other but the most interesting thing so far are the confetti egg remnants around my perch.

There's confetti, flour and crushed eggshells everywhere! A small part of me is a bit grossed out by the eggshells but, mostly, I'm amused. I didn't know that anyone still played with confetti eggs or, even more fascinating, that people still go through the trouble of making them. It's notoriously tedious and time consuming.
I remember mom used to prepare weeks in advance. She would start collecting, cleaning and coloring eggs as early as February, or January, if she anticipated an egg shortage. To this day, I don't know who keeps track of egg production and consumption like she did (except for maybe commodities brokers who invest in eggs and whose livelihoods' depend on it) or how one goes about this task. WTF, mom?
I still don't know how she managed to cut such a uniform hole without shattering the eggs, or how she found the time to wash, color and fill them with colored paper confetti and flour! How she loved seeing us play with them! She really loved Easter festivities and I don't know if there was another occasion that she enjoyed as much.
These past few weeks have been stressful. Our trip to India was postponed, Purandar Acharya is throwing himself into this work, I'm biking to fill the extra time, Chandaneswar is focusing on his health and diet and Krishna Chandra seems perfectly content without his electronic devices. (He lost privileges a couple weeks back) He's almost too happy and content with out them. I mean, how will I punish him if he misbehaves? I could take his bike privileges but truly it would hurt me as much as him. I love riding together. It's the most fun we have whether we're alone or together. I really enjoy it and it gives us a great excuse to go outside at a moment's notice.
Yesterday, Chandaneswar, Purandar Acharya and I were watching a Bengali film named Kaler Rakhal but only the first hour and a half was available on YouTube. I'm so upset because there are a couple of Baul songs that I love but they're on the second half of the film. I've been searching everywhere for it with no luck. Where can it be??
Well, we're probably going to India this summer but I'm upset that we won't be able to travel with Lokojit prabhu. He's the best travel guide ever and knows all the best spots and people. At least we still have each other. I feel like we're desperately clinging to each other now more than ever before. I feel lost and alone adrift an ocean of anxiety but my raft mates keep my company and sanity. I don't know what I would be with out them. I don't know where I would be without them. I don't who I would be without them. Sometimes I think to myself, "Renounce this lifestyle and give yourself completely to Gauranga!"
What shall become of us, Thakur?

Sectarianism in Vaishnava Practice

It's only one o'clock in the afternoon right now. It took me about twenty minutes to do my make up but I feel like it really should have taken me much longer. Am I getting better at applying makeup or did I just skip something important out of forgetfulness? I don't know.
I completed a discussion assignment for my online class and I feel like I spent a disproportionate amount of my week studying for what turned out to be a fairly easily topic to address. Not that the assignment was easy, what I mean is, I didn't think I had at least 400 words to say on the subject until I started typing up my response. Before I knew it, I was over 700 words, I guess I should have word-counted sooner, so I spend more time cutting the fat than I actually spend organizing my thoughts. Interesting.
Also, I wanted to post a photo of Brahmacharini Devi but I decided against it because I remember I attached one during an earlier post from last year about an interesting dream I had. It's here, if you're interested in reading about it. Instead, let me post a picture of Durga's nine incarnations because I haven't done that yet. As Vasanta Durga puja approaches, I've been considering performing Durga puja and Saraswati puja at home. We'll see what happens... wish me luck.
Actually, I've wanted to do goddess pujas in the past, but being an advocate for Vaishnavism and a practicing Vaishnava, it is typically frowned upon to worship demigods. In my quest for spiritual understanding, I've outgrown all the sectarian supremacy and dogmatic nonsense. I really believe that Goddess puja is as spiritually rewarding and fulfilling for a sincere practitioner as Vishnu or Krishna puja. That is to say, if someone has a sincere desire for spiritual upliftment, not material benefits. Years ago, I had several dreams about Goddesses beckoning me to Their worship. She urged me to worship Her in order to receive maximum results; I still don't know what 'maximum results' entails, however, it is ever-enticing an offer.
I believe that in our earnest (and zealous) ambition to worship Sri Krishna, we may inadvertently offend and disrespect demigods, which negatively affects our sadhana bhakti. The result being the same as offending a Vaishnava. Krishna devotees seem to forget that demigods are expansions of the Supreme Absolute Truth as well as servants of Krishna so we should offer Them all respects (though we aren't obligated to worship Them either). They are not ordinary souls, and if one agrees that Krishna is the Adi-Purush, one should also accept that all incarnations, expansions, etc come from Him, so in effect, we are offending Him to a degree when we disrespect demigods.

Bleeding Out

Today we went for our usual walk after dinner. Krishna Chandra caught up with Rasa Lila Devi. Chandaneswar and I chanted around the block. We went for darshan in the evening and I saw Indulekha Devi at the temple making garlands. I haven't seen her in a while so we caught up for a few minutes. I asked her if I could assist her in her service, and she kindly obliged. She then told me about her recent trip to India; she said she became gravely ill there and almost died due to lack of treatment facilities and prompt care. Where there were devotees, they lacked proper resources and treatment; where treatments were available, the staff refused to treat her without payment up front!
I couldn't believe my ears, but then again I could believe my ears, having spent an extended period in India previously myself and becoming ill there. I honestly felt alone and hopeless there; at times I even contemplated the worst-- "Just give up, go drown yourself in the Ganga. It's hopeless. Nobody care anyway."
I hope to spend more time with Indulekha. Recently I re-evalutated my priorities during my travels and realized that our community needs serious help. There are many things that, like Indulekha's gut, are hemorrhaging even though there are solutions, none are implemented due to lack of resources, training, or sheer indifference. What would become of us if we neglected the care of even one Vaishnav? What would our community lose? Can we afford to lose even one?
Not only are we hemorrhaging, but we need to replace the lost blood, and treat the source of infection. The problem is multifaceted, therefore, treatment should be approached with many perspectives... not just one view. I apologize for the series of medical metaphors. Maybe Indulekha's story shocked me deeply, or maybe I'm just impressionable, or maybe I watch too much Grey's Anatomy. I don't know. We have a problem and it needs addressing.
The other day I remembered several devotees that I was close to, and remembered that they are all gone. They have left the movement, moved or away or passed away. I don't know if you remember Lalita-Krishna prabhu, but he was always very kind and instructive to me. Lavanga-Latika told me the other day that he left his body, and I was completely oblivious that he was ill again. Another devotee was Ramachandra prabhu; both left the community about eight years ago. Some devotees passed away, like Urjeswat prabhu, Bharat prabhu, and Lalita Krishna prabhu, and sometimes I cry because I feel I can't connect with the new generation. My ashram leaders, instructors, and mentors have moved on or passed away. What will become of me and our movement as we have to face the inevitable truth that all things must pass?
I don't know what would have happened if Indulekha had left us, but surely it would have left such a gaping void in our community that we would struggle to recover for years. Could I personally be capable of facing another death? I don't think so. I don't know if I can handle it anymore. On average, I'm losing a loved one about every two years, and the clock is ticking. I can't afford to waste any time.
Here I've been happily enjoying my summer with friends and family, partying my youthful energy away. 

The Cobra Disciple

Today Chandaneswar prabhu displayed his ugra-murti, fearsome manifestation.
In the past ten years, I have never seen him that angry and I'm his wife!
What was funny about it was how he related the story to me later. He appeared to become furious with a woman for no apparent reason. I didn't know that in actuality she was bothering him for a while with the same questions even after he told her he had a migraine. At home, he stated simply, "Even a garden snake can bite." It reminded me of a story I heard about the sage Narada.
On one of his journeys, Narada muni met with a cobra who had spiritual inclinations. Naturally, Narada muni converted him to the vaishnav faith and gave him some simple instructions to follow. The snake became immersed in chanting and gave up striking humans. After some time, the locals took notice and began tormenting that pacifist cobra. On his next trek toward that part of the world, sage Narada stopped by to visit his cobra-disciple to check on his progress. When Narada met with his disciple, he asked about his well-being and progress. The cobra said he was miserable as a vaishnav. Narada quickly asked his disciple why he was unhappy. "Harinam is delightful, bhakti is delightful, so why should you be miserable?" The cobra then related how the humans were abusing him in his new-found pacifism. Narada scolded him, "I told you not to attack, I never said you shouldn't show your fangs or raise your hood."
Sometimes it is necessary to display our displeasure, anger, or frustration in order to accomplish something worthwhile... even as vaishnavs.

Venti

My life has flashed by me in a blur these past few weeks.
I am now party to an infatuation gone awry.
I don't have any idea how many weeks of schoolwork I have to catch-up on.
I want to talk to someone desperately, but have found it hard to open up.
I'm beginning to think I have a legitimate disorder...
well, not really.
I'm the sanest person I know.
I'm also extremely happy.
 It's really weird, not in the sense that I'm not normally happy.
In the sense that I normally can't appreciate the situation for what it is.
I'm in a strange conundrum lately.
I'm satisfied with the way things are, and yet I find myself restless and longing for more.
I tell myself this is just my false ego and bodily identification and yearning for material sensuality.
Except, I find myself regretting all that at times, and I sometimes go into introspective trances as if I were daydreaming.
It makes me really wonder what the hell is going on.
Sometimes I snap out of it when I see or feel something I enjoy.
Sometimes it happens if I hear a beautifully arranged piece of music that moves me deep inside.
I forget all about spirituality and wonder if I'm not missing out.
I ask myself if I'm just trying to make myself feel superior to the rest of humanity by depriving myself of more sensual pleasures on the plea of spirituality, austerity, and some such.
Whatever.
When I'm meditating, I don't usually get powerful realizations.
Lately I feel them coming on with more frequency and I have this urge to release myself to them.
Surrender!
But I'm torn, entangled, conflicted.
Which way do I go?

Manasa Vegam

I don't know what else to write about except my insanely fickle mind.
At times I want something so badly, it hurts. Yet, within a couple days, or even hours, I might change my mind, and wonder what all the fuss was about to begin with. This has been happening with more frequency lately. Chandaneswar's advise is to chant even more.
Have you ever felt like you were being pulled in a dozen different directions? I do, and often. More recently I've encountered a crisis of faith or identity. I've spent the past ten years attempting some facsmile of spiritual life. Save for taking a vow of poverty, I lived an pretty ascetic life with my family. Chandaneswar and I recently had an epiphany. If we have skills and talents we can engage in Krishna Consciousness, while providing our son the best resources, aren't we cheating ourselves from doing our duty by living out an excessively austere lifestyle? He wants me to pursue music wholeheartedly, and I want to indulge in more materialistic pursuits. I'm still young, I reason. I started doing this when I was very young, and I have to say I've grown. I'm very proud of myself; frankly, I never thought I'd stick to this path for over ten years. Seriously. Chanting? I'm not particularly fond of it in all its forms, but I try to do it sincerely, and constantly seek the counsel of my more advanced friends and mentors. Above all, I've reached a point where I question myself constantly. Am I disingenuous? Do I have ulterior motives? Am I simply seeking out admiration and respect?
The more I ask these questions, the more I answer, "Yes, yes, and yes." At this point, I don't know whether to give up and walk away completely, or seek better services, association, and shelter. I feel dejected, ineffective, and stagnant in my spirituality. I know I wouldn't be able to go back to a completely "materialistic" lifestyle. I never fit in there, and I know I never will. That still doesn't dissuade me, however. I feel I'm at an impasse where I have to choose whether to continue on my path, or walk away from everything I know and love to explore and grow on a different path. I thought that writing it all out would help. I just feel even more torn.

My Friends

Sometimes I forget how lucky I am.
I have great friends.
I have a rewarding life.
I enjoy my work.
I am fulfilled by my service.
I delve deeply with close friends.
I protect the ones I love.
They protect me back.
I am extremely fortunate.

When I am sad, or feeling down, they come forward and hold my hand.
They speak encouraging words of wisdom and determination.
They shake me from my misery.
When I'm sick and need nourishment, they drop by and cook for me.
They rub my tummy, neck, or shoulders.
Whatever hurts. Whatever helps.
I am like a child, and they pamper me with affection.

They pick up groceries, prescriptions, and run errands with me.
They offer to do these things for me when I am frustrated or overwhelmed.
They help me pick out my classes, schedule courses, and even recommend teachers.
I can get a second opinion, and pick their brains when I am confused.
They know me better than I know myself.
They advise me against bad ideas, and encourage me in good decisions.
They better me, and help me better myself.

My friends remember my birthdays and anniversaries, and buy me cool stuff.
No, they shower me with love and thoughtful gifts.
I don't ever have to remind them.
They remind me, and forgive me when I forget.
I get plenty of hugs, kisses, and warm reciprocation.

They reward my good behavior, and scold me when I do something inconsiderate.
They patch things up when I shatter them.
They resolve issues when I'm too frustrated, conflicted, or tired to work it through myself.
They encourage me in my spirituality, and advise me when I am lacking.
They love me when I hate myself.

They do these things because they know I will reciprocate.
They know I would do this much for them, and even more.
This is how I show my love of Godhead, it is my devotional service.

Akshay Tritiya Vrata

On Sunday evening, exhausted and dehydrated, I collapsed in my dining room and hit the floor. I knew I was going to lose consciousness. I felt that my mind was unfocused. I was not sharp. I felt dull, slow, and foggy. I sat at the dining table, pushed my textbooks away, and began sipping homemade lemonade. It was too sweet for my taste, though, and in a sad attempt to adjust it, I stumbled toward the kitchen area. I felt dizzy, nauseous, and began to tremble. I quickly diluted the lemonade and gulped it down as quickly as possible. As I reached my seat again, I sensed there was no way to delay the inevitable. I was going to pass out soon, so I made another sad attempt to protect myself. I turned away from my dining table, and leaned out toward the floor in hopes of laying down before I collapsed. I could tell there was not enough time, so with my last ounce of strength I folded my palms, half praying, half defensive position, and tucked my face into my hands. I knew my body would naturally assume a fetal position in order to protect my face and internal organs, so I surrendered, and trembling in fear, began to pray and weep before my brain shut down.

Krishna Krishna Krishna 

Krishna Krishna, help me!

Nitai please protect me!

 My body trembled and quaked; my brain shut down, and I felt like I was being electrocuted. When I woke up, I was lying on the floor with my hands under my cheeks. My face hurt, my lips and nose were swollen and throbbing, and my face was wet. "Am I bleeding?" Two solitary tears streamed down my cheek, and I slowly regained consciousness. I pushed myself up from the floor and reached for my drink. I sat there, bewildered, terrified, and alone. I didn't bother calling my husband, son, godbrother, sister, or neighbors for help. I just sat there on the dining room floor chanting the Lord's names, and thanking Him for manifesting Himself in my mind and heart. 

After raising my blood pressure and replacing my fluids, I sat in the dining room in total shock and disbelief: I was completely terrified and panicked, but somehow I remembered to chant the Lord's names. Today is Akshay Tritiya and I want to re-commit myself to chanting the Lord's name, remembering Him, and surrendering to His will. I want to be determined in the face of Death, and constantly remember Sri Krishna against all odds.

Rescuing the Lord

Last night, I had a dream about a local devotee turned drama player. She has previously acted in temple dramas, and in my dream she had become a famous stage player. I was excited to see her on stage at a local university campus. As I approached the campus I heard a loud, nagging cry in my mind. I could hear the voice, but it seemed no one else could perceive it. I wondered, "Who is that?" and the voice clearly replied, "Who do you think?"
It was the Lord's voice, and He had specific demands. First, He informed me that he was being neglected by the young devotee actress. He complained that since she had become popular and successful, she had started to neglect Him. He was in the form of a small marble stone statue and traveled alongside her as she toured. He mentioned, "She has a lover who gives her gifts of flowers, jewelry, and sweets, but she does not share any of it with Me. She could at least offer something to Me, anything. She does not bathe, dress, feed, or put me to rest. I am just a statute to her. I am cold, hungry, sleepy, and lonely. I am so exhausted and have not slept for days. Come get me and take me to your home."
Hearing of this regrettable behaviour, I wondered to myself if it was possible to express my concern to her in person. I reasoned that being an educated and cultured young woman, she would admit some shortcomings and rectify her negligence. I set off in search for her, and found her in the arms of her lover, desperately embracing, kissing passionately, and still in full costume backstage. Both were stage players, and apparently fell violently in love during their tour. On closer inspection, I noticed that her lover was not a man, but an actress dressed as the male protagonist. My first impression was that she so desperately sought immediate gratification that she had not bothered to remove her elaborate makeup and costume, feed her Krishna Deity, or even check on Him in the dressing room first. I heard Sri Krishna speak once more, "You see? I told you, she is only concerned for herself; she is selfish! Come get me, quickly, before she comes back!" I finally relented and followed His directions toward the dressing rooms. After winding my way through the halls, I found her dressing room, there behind the unlocked door stood a small Krishna deity-- naked, alone, hungry, and dirty, very, very dirty. I snatched Him and instructed Him to hide in my handmade bag, and keep very quiet. He laughed at me and said, "You're the only one who can hear me, fool!" I woke up shortly after kidnapping Krishna, and escaping through the halls.
After analyzing the dream more carefully, I wonder how often I think of the Lord's well-being. The Lord does not need me to bath, feed, dress, or worship Him. He does not need my fruits, flowers, jewelry, or sweet offerings. He does not need my incense, ghee lamps, water, or ornate fans. He wants my love, devotion, affection, and attention. He cries out for me to look after Him. He mercifully gives me the opportunity to serve Him, without regard to my caste, creed, background, or social status.
He is never concerned with our bodies, but intends to pervade our minds, hearts, and souls. I wonder, regrettably, how negligent I am of Him in my daily worship. I wonder if the devotee actress is rather a representation of me. Having plenty of admirers and sensual pleasures abound, have I forgotten the Lord? Am I neglecting Him? Is he begging me to rescue Him from a lonely existence?

Productive Potato

It is snowing and the roads are iced over here. Krishna Chandra is sick so he stayed home today. Thankfully, my school closed for a faculty development and training so I basically stayed home, watched movies, and ate junk food with my husband. I did not forget about my exercise routine. Cheko and Dolly will be proud to hear that I have been doing light calisthenics every couple hours. I did lunges, swats, and jumping jacks. I can not go jogging outdoors, but I was thinking about using the treadmill next door for a half hour. This way, I can justify eating all that junk food, and not feel like a couch potato for sitting around all day. I crocheted some mrdanga head warmers, think tea cozy for clay drum heads. I practiced violin, harmonium, and even sang some scales. I didnot forget about the piano, I practice an hour of piano and aural skills in the practice room. This leaves my afternoon free for algebra study, violin, and work. I reviewed my algebra homework, and finished a practice exam. I feel productive. Chandaneswar prabhu read a chapter of Sri Chaitanya Charitamrita while I crocheted, and we had some stimulating discussions about Mahaprabhu's friends, associates, and their family members. In particular, we discussed Nrsimhananda Brahmachari, whose entire family were vaishnavas. Eventually Nrsimhananda brahmacari left his household and became the Lord's servant. I wish I had Vaishnava relatives. My relatives are all materialists, and my in-laws are dedicated mayavadis. Sometimes I tell my husband that I prefer a materialistic family over a materialistic mayavadi family.

Ghastly Dreams

The other night I had a disturbing dream wherein I saw many inauspicious omens. I woke up just a few minutes shy of six o'clock, and sat straight up in bed almost trembling.

In the dream, there was a large initiation festival with many devotees. However, meat and bones contaminated the fire sacrifice arena, which was disorganized and untidy. The fire pit itself was incomplete; Brahmins left materials strewn about the ground carelessly.

There were yavana and candal classes amongst the devotees, but they would not chant the Lord's names; in fact, they were uninterested in the festival and behaved brutishly. Instead, they brought liquor, meat, and intoxicants into the festival grounds and spat out drink and food indiscriminately. The initiate was unclean, unshaven, mingled freely with low-class men, and did not observe a fast.

Additionally, his wife was pregnant. I remember my mother used to say that seeing a pregnant woman in your dreams is the symbol of death, evil, or sin, but I do not know why she interprets it that way so I am inclined to brush it off. However, the pregnant woman, probably the most disturbing figure of the whole dream—carries a creature in her womb that is not human. It had hooves, like a goat or an ass. In my dream, I only prayed and wished it were a satyr, and called out the names of the Lord. I could see the creature in her womb, but no one else seemed too disturbed by her. I concluded that I was the only person who was aware of it. The sight alone terrified me, I remembered apocalyptic messages I heard as a child, tales, myths, and predictions of a woman who gives birth to an ass. In the stories, a woman makes a pact with a demon, or the devil, and in return, she gives birth to an ass as testament or punishment for her sin. Unable to witness more frightful omens and degradation, I fled the scene in tears and left my un-phased husband behind at the mela.

I finally worked up the nerve to write it out because simply thinking about the dream sent shivers down my spine. Interestingly enough, the couple in question are young, friendly, and quite popular devotees from temple. They are active and involved in temple festivals and activities. Frequently, they are arranging, serving, or organizing during feasts together. I have never seen them in any dreams before. The whole thing is strange. I wonder why I saw them, the epitome of the perfectly saintly couple in such a ghastly dream?

Much Needed R&R

I have a thesis for my topic due on Wednesday, which should be easy enough because I have read half a dozen articles. I have yet to arrange an interview with anyone. This is a cry for help. If you or anyone you know is a member of a car club, please email me. I would like to interview you/your friend/relative for my research paper. Why did I choose car clubs? Well, when I searched academic databases for scholarly articles on car clubs, I found relatively little about it. There were plenty of car culture, and car customization, but not too many scholarly articles about car clubs in particular. I have curious, also, extremely curious about the fascination with car clubs. I've seen plenty riding around East Dallas, Pleasant Grove, North Dallas, and Oak Cliff but I don't know anyone personally who is a car club member or associates with any car club organization. I have a couple neighbors who are members of a car club but they have not responded back to me. I wonder if I seem like a creeper. I would hope not. Why would anyone want to investigate car culture and car club subculture?

On another note, I have been having strange dreams again. I suppose it has something to do with my lack of sleep that whenever I can sleep my body immediately jumps into deep sleep. I am currently investigating different sleep aids: natural, therapeutic, and medicinal to help me sleep better. I have found a combination that kind of works for me, it just takes a long time to kick in, and it has to be a daily routine or it does not work well.

Sunday was the last day of Damodar month, Rasa Purnima, and Tulasi Saligram vivaha. It was also Chandaneswar prabhu’s lunar birthday. We made pizza for lunch and had a quiet family dinner for prabhu. After dinner, we got ready quickly and headed to the temple for the festivities. Mother Sudantika usually conducts Tulasi Devi’s arati ceremony, and she eagerly took leadership of Tulasi Devi’s wedding arrangements. There was an energetic and lively kirtan for Vrinda Devi, circumambulation of the greenhouse, prayers, and then dozens of bhaktas watered Tulasi Devi. After everything, I was really exhausted but happily headed home with a feeling of rejuvenation and contentment.

Resolute

This week I visited an academic advisor to help me decipher the course numbers on the Music Therapy degree plan, and now I know which courses correspond to those at TWU. Now, I can plan my schedule, get as many academic and music courses completed at my community college, and make some progress toward my desired degree. On other news, I am doing really well in History, Math, and English, and I am proud of myself. I thought History would sink me for sure, but I stuck with it and worked hard. I have not really practiced for Aural Skills this past week at all. I was too busy working on my last History essay, and it drained me of every drop of energy. 

Damodar month is slowly ending, and each day I feel like I am making spiritual progress. I have made new friends this month, and re-established lost connections with old friends. Sometimes I wonder if I make my relationships complicated intentionally. I do not know why I do it, but I know that it is very hard for me to trust people. Sometimes, I go out of my way to hide, and even push people away. I feel like only Krishna knows me, the real me, and that I can only trust Him and no one else. I do not know if this is right or wrong, or if it is the symptom of spiritual maturity or simply a defense mechanism due to false ego. However, I know that the scriptures say that our ultimate goal is Krishna, we should find no other shelter except Him, and until we have realized that all is in vain in the material sphere, we cannot progress into a special, spiritual relationship with Him. I guess that although I understand that Krishna is the Supreme Lord, the ultimate shelter and eternal friend, I still wonder if there is a special purpose for me on this planet. There is a reason Krishna gave me these particular skills, talents, and abilities. There is a reason Krishna has put me in this environment, with certain people, exposed to particular circumstances. I know there is not just chaos, but that I can learn a lesson from this. I am trying my best to seek out new experiences actively, to learn from my experiences, and capitalize on what I have learned. In order to do that though, I have to hone every skill in my possession. I cannot hide from myself anymore, either. I have to expose what I have been hiding from myself resolutely.

I pray constantly that Lord Balaram give me strength to pursue the unfathomable path of devotion. I cannot weather the obstacles and trials alone; no, I need special guidance and loving care from a nurturing spiritual master.

Lakshmi Puja/Damodara Mas

Yesterday we celebrated Lakshmi puja at our home. I lightly decorated the porch and sidewalk after sweeping and washing it. I purified my home with cow dung smoke and incense, and then set an altar for Lakshmi devi. I bathed my Lakshmi Narasimhadev with milk, yogurt, ghee, honey, and sugar water. Chandaneswar prabhu performed arati, while  Krishna Chandra and his cousins bathed the deities and offered ghee lamps to Lord Damodar. I was really satisfied with our simple but devoted puja. 

Later, I went to offer a ghee lamp at Radha Kalachandji's temple, and took some photos with my camera phone. Radha Kalachandji were bedecked in jewels and donning a luminescent white outfit. Shining brighter than a thousand moons, Kalachandji and Sri Radhe glanced gracefully and captivated the hearts of Their admirers. I can not describe how fortunte I am to have Their mercy.

It is impossible to describe the saundarya quality of Radha Kalachandji fully.
I can only allude to Their exquisite beauty in unworthy fragments. 

Dreams Revealed

Last night I had a wonderful dream full of devotional sentiment and splendor. When I related the dream to Chandneswar prabhu, I asked if the dream was a bad omen or inauspicious because typically, when I dream of temples, pilgrimage, or spiritual events something terrible happens shortly thereafter. Most notable are pilgrimage or travel dreams, especially involving Deities or temples, which indicate a death in the family. Also notable are dreams of gold; whenever I dream about gold, usually a disaster will befall my immediate or extended family, but sometimes death will occur also.

A few days ago, I woke up to one such dream of gold. I dreamed that I was getting remarried, or what is known as a reaffirmation ceremony in the West. My god-brother came to attend the ceremony, and requested me wear the nuptial jewelry he gave me. "Where is the gold bracelet I gave you? Why aren't you wearing that one?" I related to him that it was in storage, and needed repair on the clasp, to which he responded, "Let's go to the jewelry store now, and have it fixed." While we were there, Boro-da purchased a couple more pieces for me. I put on my jewelry: rings, bracelets, bangles, necklaces, earrings, and admired myself in the mirror as I prepared for the ceremony. I even wore my wedding sari of brocaded silk. When I recounted this dream to Chandaneswar prabhu, he confirmed that I was right, it was a bad dream and soon after we heard disturbing news from a friend regarding our family members. 

In today's dream, however, I was taking darshan of the most beautiful arca-vigraha forms of Radhika-Krishna Chandra during a temple festival. There were many brightly colored flags and festoons, banana leaves, flower garlands, and auspicious symbols decorating the large ornate temple hall. I sat down within the kirtan mandala to sing along with the kirtaniya present. Suddenly, he stopped singing and another singer came forward to take his place, but a sannyasi objected. "No, you have already sung several times before, can't anyone else sing instead?" I could sense the sannyasi's irritation with her so I quietly rose and tried to slip away. Another devotee singer caught me in his arms and said,

"Maharaj, this girl knows how to sing, and she knows Bengali. Let her sing some Bengali bhajans."

"Oh wonderful, please chant Hare Krishna first, then we can get into bhajans." said the sannyasi.

I retorted, "I'm going to disappoint you, Maharaj. I'm not a vocalist, and I can't play the harmonium. I can read and write a little Bengali but not much. It's better if someone else sings instead."

I was annoyed with the devotee for putting me on the spot like that, but he pursued it until Maharaj ordered me to chant Hare Krishna.

"Alright, here we go, I guess this is happening. Maybe they'll get tired of me after a couple minutes." I thought to myself as I offered namaskar to the instrument, and began pumping the bellows. By some miraculous intervention every vocalization emanated like nectar and resounded beautifully in the large hall. I began interpreting a simple melody into a chant with velvety melismatic embellishments.

I continued to sing at length, and everyone who entered the temple room remained captivated by the Holy Name. The sannyasi commented, "Wow, she acted as if she couldn't even play a single note, but she moves across the keys with fluid expertise and dexterity." Later many elders approached me and complimented my singing, and I felt great pride and ego when I heard their praise.

I realized that this dream suggests that I still have a deep yearning for respect, admiration, and fame. Particularly when it comes to musical talents, I have ambitious motives for praise and gain.

On another note, I have exactly one year to get my shit together. Meaning, I have to practice violin daily, take violin lessons, Music appreciation, theory, sight singing, ear training, and history, in order to complete the required courses for my degree plan. Vocal and piano lessons also. I have one year to complete this along with my core in order to transfer on my sophomore year into the program of my choice. And I want to do it with a perfect GPA. There, I said it. Those are my plans and intentions. It shall come to pass.

Offensive Woman

Last night I had a funny dream about an offensive woman who wanted to kidnap my Gour-Nitai by force, because I refused to trade Them with her like common currency. Initially, she introduced herself briefly as a friend of an acquaintance during a large festival in my community.

It was the first time we celebrated this particular festival in our community, so we publicized it largely in magazines, television advertisements, radio commercials, and so on. Consequentially, many people turned up, even devotees from other regions and countries. I personally set up a large tent, or pandal, on my landlord's empty plot of land. We decorated it with beautiful, fragrant flower garlands, banana trees, mango leaves, and fumigated it with aromatic, purifying herbs, cowdung, and incense. Inside the pandal, I drew an auspicious mandala of bright white alpona, atop which I installed a simple throne for Their Lordships, Sri Avadhuta Shiromani and Sri Mayapur Chandra. Dressed, ornamented, and adored, Their Lordships stood majestically on Their throne when suddenly the lone troublemaker appeared.
Before she could open her mouth, I already anticipated that she wanted me to give her something for nothing. Their Lordships laughed and teased me, repeatedly asking, "She wants something, will you give it to her? Will you give her whatever she asks? Such is the character of brahmins and sadhus; they give up even their most coveted treasure!" I grew irate with Gour Nitai and wondered why They were interacting with me in this way. They very rarely speak to me, even after constantly badgering Them, what to speak of dialogue and banter.
"Hare Krishna, Mataji. You don't know me but I'm friends with so-and-so." she said.
"So what?" I thought, "everyone knows each other around here, it won't earn you any favor."
"Our friend told me you have very large, beautiful deities, and she told me where you lived. I want to do parikrama during the festival with Gour Nitai. My deities are too small, though, and I want some big ones that way everyone can see. I'll trade you my little Gour Nitai for your big ones. You see, I'm doing pilgrimage so you should help me out, or I'll just take Them anyway."
She spoke with such audacity, as if she would get her way without any trouble at all. Assumptions do a great many things, and among those things, arousing my anger is really dangerous. I was more infuriated with her attitude about Their Lordships. She spoke as if they were some cheap commodity to be traded or borrowed like the neighbor's garden trowel.
"How dare you, you filthy whore! Who the hell do you think you are? You strut in here, like a dog in heat, peddling your wares like you own the damn place, and demand my Deities? I wouldn't dream of it! Do you think They are toys? Clothes? Huh? Or a knapsack you can throw away when you get tired of it? They are not your soiled undergarments, you two-legged beast! You don't deserve the arca-vigraha presence of the Lord, damned aparadhi! You should give up your Gour-Nitai to me before you make more offenses!"
I shouted all kinds of obscenities at her in English, Bengali, and Spanish, until I was red in the face and my rage was satiated. Meanwhile, the two munificent brothers, Gouranga and Nityananda, laughed, rolled on the ground, cried tears in hysteria, and spoke sarcastically, "That's a good one! I never heard that one before, Devi. Some virtuous saint you are indeed!"
I have the feeling that Their Lordships arranged the encounter with that filthy dog, disguised in Vaishnava attire, in order to pique my rage and wrath. Otherwise, rarely do we encounter these types of personalities, full of pride and offensive ideas.

Energy. Prana. Chi.

I know it has been a while since I last updated my blog. However, I have two extremely good reasons: I've been busy living, and I've been enjoying it. So there. I'm sorry I haven't made you the center of my universe lately, I'm sorry I haven't told you about every rewarding moment or inspiring situation of my day, but I have to live my life sometimes.
Actually, I take that back. I am unapologetic about my literary absence. If I have neglected you as a personal friend, I'm sure you will be understanding and supportive of my recent activities. If, however, you just read occasionally, then consider it hands-on research for more interesting material yet to come.
Self-defense/martial arts class is wonderful. We're learning to protect ourselves from violent criminals with a smile on our faces. I really enjoy the class, our instructor, and fellow students. I got one of best friends interested, and she's hooked. I met wonderful ladies at the other location today; the change of pace was just what I've been praying for. There are other things I've been doing daily: exercising, yoga, pranayam, meditation, natural beauty treatments, 'healthing', but most of all, I'm looking forward for school to start next week. Life is a graceful flow of one action into another.
This and other things I have learned as of late.
Energy. Prana. Chi. 

Summer Austerity

On Sunday we performed the final last rites ceremony, or tarpan, for Purandar Acharya prabhu's father. Usually, tarpan is celebrated exactly one year after the first shraddha ceremony; the begrieved are obligated to perform tarpan before they can celebrate any joyful rites or rituals in the family. Sundar Gopal prabhu flew in to town to perform the fire sacrifice, but the entire occasion took approximately two weeks' preparation. We had to collect and prepare all the items: ritual paraphernalia, offerings, and ingredients for the concluding pizza party.
Initially we decided that, since it is a private family ritual, we would only invite close friends or relatives. Word spread about the pizza party, however, and many uninvited guests showed up unexpectedly. It must have been Sri Kṛṣṇa's arrangement because some invited guests weren't able to attend. We ended up hosting a much larger party than we planned; more vaisnavara were received and served pizza prasadam.
The fire sacrifice was beautiful; I was very happy and relieved to perform this ritual finally. It signifies that we (extended family) are no longer in mourning, and that we can observe joyful festivals now.  We will have to wait approximately three months before we can do any celebratory samskars due to chaturmas, but hopefully we will have good news to announce soon. I don't want to jinx it so I wait until we are certain.

Duties of a Married Man

The other day I was reading some of Srila Bhaktisiddhanta Saraswati Prabhupad's writings. Included was a short narrative called Duties of a Married Man.
It started when some married devotee refused to give charity to beggars outside of Sakshi Gopal mandir. He said that the duty of a married man was to give in charity, distribute prasadam, and engage in devotional service to Lord Krishna. If a married devotee thinks that his money is reserved only for Lord Krishna, and doesn't give to the destitute, eventually he will become stone-hearted and greedy. Seeing this, Krishna will not become compassionate on us, we will become offensive in our service because eventually we will even refuse to spend money on devotional activities. Even though everyone suffers according to his own karma, they are still in Krishna's family; therefore, we should spend to those who need it. We receive wealth through Krishna's blessings, so we should distribute it as well. This way Krishna is pleased. That is why we distribute prasadam freely. So, according to Srila Prabhupada BSST, it is the proper use of wealth and resources.
I thought about this situation and concluded, I would not have wanted to be in that lot of grhastha devotees who held their purse strings. Could you imagine getting the sauce from Srila Saraswati Thakur?