Venti

My life has flashed by me in a blur these past few weeks.
I am now party to an infatuation gone awry.
I don't have any idea how many weeks of schoolwork I have to catch-up on.
I want to talk to someone desperately, but have found it hard to open up.
I'm beginning to think I have a legitimate disorder...
well, not really.
I'm the sanest person I know.
I'm also extremely happy.
 It's really weird, not in the sense that I'm not normally happy.
In the sense that I normally can't appreciate the situation for what it is.
I'm in a strange conundrum lately.
I'm satisfied with the way things are, and yet I find myself restless and longing for more.
I tell myself this is just my false ego and bodily identification and yearning for material sensuality.
Except, I find myself regretting all that at times, and I sometimes go into introspective trances as if I were daydreaming.
It makes me really wonder what the hell is going on.
Sometimes I snap out of it when I see or feel something I enjoy.
Sometimes it happens if I hear a beautifully arranged piece of music that moves me deep inside.
I forget all about spirituality and wonder if I'm not missing out.
I ask myself if I'm just trying to make myself feel superior to the rest of humanity by depriving myself of more sensual pleasures on the plea of spirituality, austerity, and some such.
Whatever.
When I'm meditating, I don't usually get powerful realizations.
Lately I feel them coming on with more frequency and I have this urge to release myself to them.
Surrender!
But I'm torn, entangled, conflicted.
Which way do I go?