Ronald Reagan

When I Answered “Ronald Reagan”
Melissa Cruz

I
I guess you would not understand
If I were to tell you plainly, I was dreaming,
Daydreaming, imagining, fantasizing
When I answered “Ronald Reagan”
I can tell you here without import,
Without repercussion knowing
It is never going to happen.

II
I wandered over beside your cheek
And inhaled the scent of your breath,
Hair and the wafting echo of your sensuous desire.
I could not possibly tell you this in class.
Certainly not or it would have been my ass.
Did you sense my caressing touch upon your neck
Meandering down across your torso
Absorbing every detail of your flesh
As I gazed deeply into your eyes?
I told myself I had to stop.

III
While I rushed through your dumb questions,
I delved into another fantasy propounding
All the inner secrets of your loving, tender, soft embrace.
I could not tell you this in class….
I gazed over at your desk as you checked on all the rest
And imagined; I could kiss and bite your tempting flesh
While you made every single effort to withstand
My increasingly aggressive, mounting, erotic wander.
Oh! But you would not glance over at me,
For if you had, you would have seen
The visage of a hungering, thirsting, insatiable beast
Craving every drop, every bite, every delicious taste of you.

IV
I imagine you would have resisted
Had I grabbed and fed upon you as I wished it.
And if you did, I would have told you
“Resistance is futile, weak fool!”
Certainly, I could not tell you this in class.
Well I could, but your ass’d be grass.
Oh! But how I wish I had.
For if I had, you would lose sleep, tormented,
Unable to imagine the depths to which I dived
Within the short span of a stupid quiz.
Don’t you wish you had not asked?
With every utterance, I gain strength and become more daring.
Surely, you must agree it is a small miracle
I answered only one question wrong.

V
Now you know how much I want you,
And long to feel, and taste, and be with you.
Now I have admitted all my secret thoughts,
And grown accustomed to the throbbing,
Crushing, overwhelming sexual hunger.
Now I have cleared the air and my lusty mind.
Now I have released my intense yearning
Into the vast cosmic manifestation.
Having no other purpose,
This poem has accomplished
The inconceivable, insurmountable, volatile task
Of explaining what the fuck I was thinking
When I answered “Ronald Reagan”

Energy. Prana. Chi.

I know it has been a while since I last updated my blog. However, I have two extremely good reasons: I've been busy living, and I've been enjoying it. So there. I'm sorry I haven't made you the center of my universe lately, I'm sorry I haven't told you about every rewarding moment or inspiring situation of my day, but I have to live my life sometimes.
Actually, I take that back. I am unapologetic about my literary absence. If I have neglected you as a personal friend, I'm sure you will be understanding and supportive of my recent activities. If, however, you just read occasionally, then consider it hands-on research for more interesting material yet to come.
Self-defense/martial arts class is wonderful. We're learning to protect ourselves from violent criminals with a smile on our faces. I really enjoy the class, our instructor, and fellow students. I got one of best friends interested, and she's hooked. I met wonderful ladies at the other location today; the change of pace was just what I've been praying for. There are other things I've been doing daily: exercising, yoga, pranayam, meditation, natural beauty treatments, 'healthing', but most of all, I'm looking forward for school to start next week. Life is a graceful flow of one action into another.
This and other things I have learned as of late.
Energy. Prana. Chi. 

Summer Solstice

Govinda Govinda! Yesterday was Nirjal Ekadashi, we fasted normally, and broke our fast with blueberry pancakes with maple syrup this morning. I love blueberries! We usually have them raw or in smoothies, but I realised that Krishna Chandra hadn't had pancakes in a really long time. Today I was reading a letter from Gurudev and he mentioned that we should fast from brahma-muhurta to brahma-muhurta to get the full benefit of Ekadashi, but I only wake up around 7am these days. Does that mean my fast only counts for 95% or 90%? Anyhow... these and other ponderings cloud my mind these days. Today we planned a family outing to Trinity Audubon, but it turns out that they do not allow dogs on the property-- at all. Xóchitl was looking forward to her excursion outdoors, so we headed to our old neighborhood park. We hiked along the Trinity Forest levee dike, and trekked deep into the woods until we were met with a swarm of wasps. The forest is incredibly dense and overgrown since we last hiked, maybe a couple months! We hiked for an hour back and forth, then we settled down at Rochester park for a nice picnic near the lake at noon. We were so exhausted when we came back home, we needed a cool shower and a nap. I think Xóchitl itzcuintli was happy to get her paws into nature. We will have to do it again, perhaps next time my nephews will tag along too.

I can't believe we did the hike almost exactly on the summer solstice. It seems like we do some kind of outdoor excursion on every solstice/equinoxe/lunar months and sometimes participate in sacred rituals (coincidentally). Two weeks ago, during Amavasya, we were fortunate enough to participate in a Lakota fire ceremony during a trip to the lake. First, the boys collected sticks, twigs, tinder, and leaves for the fire and helped feed the fire. Meanwhile, the shaman explained the meanings or significance of the ceremony to us. He was intrigued by our names, as it turns out he is a linguist. Almost immediately, he knew the meanings of our Sanskrit names and appreciated themfully. Then, after thoughtful prayer and reflection, we tied symbolic colored strips on the sticks, and offered them into the sacred fire. The sticks were representative of our subconscious or current journey in life. The shaman, High Eagle, interpreted the meaning of our respective offering sticks, and he had some unnervingly insightful revelations about me. The boys got some 'stone people', gemstones, from High Eagle, and it was a great learning experience for all of us.

The other day I purchased a silky, golden fabric. I wanted to make a sexy, silky sundress with it, but I have quite a few Deity outfit projects which are still incomplete. Since I have plenty of leisure time during the summer, I want to spend it on more outfits for my personal Deities, as well as the gurukula Deities. Plus, I think I have enough skirts and sundresses to last this summer. Krishna Chandra is practicing his Bengali (writing) and is taking an interest in sewing as well. Mostly he enjoys folding new origami models. Thankfully, there are plenty of origami gurus on YouTube for him to explore. 

My Secret

Isn't it strange how, sometimes, you'd much rather talk to yourself than interact with other human beings? I don't know but I feel that they're increasingly irritating to deal with, especially since Kali-yuga makes them more and more bereft of intelligent thought. The other day someone asked me a question and I gave my honest and open answer, the repetitive, 'Practice, practice, practice.' answer. I remember thinking, "Again with this question? Does she think I'll give a different answer each time? Does she think I have a top-secret formula I'll divulge with repeated interrogation? She must have asked me a half dozen times already." 
It seems like common sense to me, why is it so hard to understand? If you want to improve on something, you practice it again and again. You have to make a habit of it daily, repeat the process exactly the same way each time, show up on time and set yourself on a schedule. It can apply to a whole world of things. Do you want to learn to play an instrument? Study a foreign language? Improve your skill-set? Change your entire lifestyle? The answer is always the same: Practice! Set goals. Scrutinize yourself. That's it, that's my "secret".

Camera Trouble

Today I want to share some photos with you. My camera has been acting up lately so who knows how long this set of batteries will last before he throws in the towel. Yes, my camera is a male.. an obstinate and un-cooperative one.

First, I have a single photo of Gauranga Mahaprabhu. That's around the time the last set of batteries when out on me and I subsequently had a fit. Hence, the single shot...

Mahaprabhu's sringar is kinda crooked. The one day I get the camera on and His chandan is all lop-sided. Go figure. These days, the Deities' outfits are mostly purchased because I've not been doing much sewing. Plus, I got these outfits in Loi Bazaar in Vrindaban, the Deity paraphernalia capital of the world. Their stuff is expensive but much more beautiful than anything I could ever make myself. "It's the love that counts" I know.. but damn, look at that sequinned chadar and embroidery. Doesn't that look amazing? Okay.. next.

The illusive tunisian and broomstick crochet scarf I've been working on.

I took a close up so you can see the detail of both stitches. Right now it is a good sixteen inches in about two weeks labor, so in about a month it should be finished. Assuming I don't have a crochet meltdown and go psycho.

I took the camera out on the trail today, we saw a rabbit or honey-bunny as we like to call them. Krishna Chandra got a good close-up look at him before he ran away. No bunny photos, sorry, but I did get some nice tagging artwork from the trail. Here's one I really like. Does that say TOM? I don't really care, it's the dragon I love!

And here's one of the man and child. Eh. Krishna Chandra loves riding his bike and Chandanewar prabhu jogs after him. They call it a 'race' though really Chandaneswar is not much competition for him. He pedals really fast and we get winded easily. Old fogies.

Happenings and such

exactly what has happened within the past several days?

I spoke to an old acquaintance after a long time and had an incredibly comfortable conversation. It didn't dawn on me before but why aren't people good conversationalists anymore? Nobody has anything good to talk about anymore, everyone is hung up on frivilous entertainment and garbage.
Anyway, I haven't read anything in a long time. Several days perhaps... maybe I should get around to that soon. I want to start reading Caitanya Caritamrta again; lately, I've been so stressed and stretched for time. I don't know where it comes from because, honestly, I don't feel like I'm getting anything done, anything really significant at least. Story of my life... what is that called, "burn out"? I was reading CC everyday about one hour but somehow I started neglecting it. Actually, I started taking my walks in the mornings (because it's too damn hot to go out in the afternoons) and after re-arranging my morning schedule I realised that I was falling behind on my morning read and e-mails. The only thing I have to show for my jog is a nice tan I've acquired but I don't really like tans so much so it's pretty much useless. We have to find a trail that is shady in the morning because I don't want Krishna Chandra to get too much sun. He doesn't like putting on sunscreen and I'd rather avoid sunlight as much has possible. I guess I should go back to doing my morning yoga session instead of jogging out in the hot summer heat. I wish I had a working camera so I could take photos of the my home Deities and post them here. I feel more motivated to dress them up nicely when I know others will take Their darshan. Oh yeah, Krishna Chandra also ruined my laptop by the way, he spilled Deja Blue all over it. I'm thinking it was intentional but I can't prove it as of yet. I'm taking it to Garland Computers tomorow morning and see what can be done, if anything at all. That's about it... for now. :(