Gouranga Duti Pada

Today I woke up late at 5am. Our hope was that I would get the boys up early enough to make it to the early morning service (mangala-arati) but I figured it wouldn't happen so I prepared for my home altar service. The boys got up relatively early for a weekend (and spring break at that) and they helped out a lot with the services. Since today is a Gouranga Mahaprabhu's appearance day, we planned a large festival and worship for Gouranga. I sewed a new outfit for Giriraj Lal, a turban, two dhotis and chadars for Gour-Nitai. I thought the turban would take more time and I wasn't sure if I would be able to finish it. Kanai volunteered to make garlands, he designed a garland for Giriraj that was adorable.
We took a breaks for breakfast and lunch but the entire day was full of preparations for the festival. I managed to finish the outfits before it was time to go to the temple celebrations. I changed Nitai into his new outfit and quickly showered and changed before we left to Radha Kalachandji's temple. When we got there, I immediately couldn't stand it. The place was already packed and the festival was just getting started. I wore my new yellow silk sari with this gorgeous embroidery work. I think it's my new favorite sari. After the temple's bathing ceremony, it was time for us to get home and do our home deity's bathing ceremony. We did a bathing ceremony, worship ceremony and I got to lead the Gour arati prayers. We were supposed to go back to temple for the procession around the block but the boys and I were hungry and exhausted so we decided to go back home and eat. Dinner was fantastic. I was full so I decided to lie down for a bit and check Facebook. Maria and I took some cute photos today but she's really good at taking photographs.
I wanted to shared a prayer in glorification of Lord Gouranga's two lotus feet:

The Lotus Feet of Gouranga are my life and soul.

They shelter and protect me from the onslaught of material suffering.

The Lotus Feet of Gouranga are my only refuge.

They are like an oasis in the burning, desert-like material existence

My Lord Gouranga has come with the gift of Divine Love of God

He freely distributes it to whomever asks for it

Regardless of whether one is qualified or not.

My Sweet Lord Gouranga has shown the path back to Godhead

By personally taking up the process of chanting the Holy Name.

May that Holy Name bring upon Divine Love in my heart!

May that Holy Name purify my existence!

May that Holy Name always dance upon my tongue!

The Lotus Feet of Gouranga are my treasure, my soul, my greatest solace! 

Gita Jayanti Dream

Today I had a dream about the Lord again.
Today is Gita Jayanti Day, the day Bhagavad Gita was spoken on the battlefield of Kurukshetra.
My dream was set on the battlefield, in fact. I was thinking about this metaphor for life and I realized there would be many lesser battles that I would have to participate in before I could be strong enough to fight in a large war alongside the great warriors. As I was contemplating this, Lord Hanuman appeared before me and asked me, "Do you know Arjuna's battle cry?" I responded in the negative and he said, "Just see! I'll take you there." With this mystic powers, he shrunk me down to the size of a worn down pencil and took me along the sidelines of the Kurukshetra battlefield. There I saw thousands upon thousands of chariots, horses, elephants, and millions of warriors primed for battle. He took me in closer and pointed out Arjuna's chariot, "There it is! Look closely!" he said as he pointed out the sacred banner waving proudly from Arjuna's chariot. "I sit atop his chariot. Look, I am there upon his flag!"

I felt silly throughout, I knew that Hanuman was on Arjuna's flag, but why did he ask me if I knew Arjun's battle cry? Suddenly I heard Hanuman shout, "Jay Ramachandra Bhagavan!" and then someone else shouted "Jai Bajrangbali!" I felt certain it was none other than Arjuna himself.
Though I had some doubt as to whether Hanumanji was ever present during the Mahabharat, I got this sense that I would be better off simply accepting the lesson and blessed appearance of Hanuman in my dream. Jai Bajraangbali! Jai Ramchandra Bhagavan! Jai Sri Krishna Bhagavan!
I still don't know what the dream really was about, but I want to ask my scholar friends about Hanuman's role during Mahabharat.

Marjanam

Today was the Gundica Marjan festival at our local temple. Appropriately, I'm in the process of cleaning house. Yesterday I organized & sorted saris with the help of a close friend. I'm giving away dozens of outfits (again); I feel compelled to change my physical appearance, identity, and style. Not only that, but I feel like the exterior is symptomatic of something I feel deep inside. I'm transforming and undergoing a metamorphosis. I've felt this way a lot this past decade but sometimes I feel like I'm going in circles. (I'm constantly enduring painful growth spurts) Why do I feel this way, even after ten years of conscious endeavor toward growth? I'm starting to feel like there is something I'm missing or skipping. I've been feeling more open and forthcoming lately but I also really raw & emotional. I don't like feeling raw & emotional because it's powerfully overwhelming to me. I find myself feeling insecure at times & when I try to analyze those feelings, I get frustrated or feel self-conscious. What's going on? I suppose the only thing to do is surrender to those emotions and let myself feel them thoroughly. In fact, it may be cathartic to let them pass through me instead of holding back. I'm afraid though, and I'm more afraid of exploring these emotions. I find myself in prayer sometimes, distracted from the external world and begging my Lord and Lady for help.

"My Dear Kalachandji, please help me. 

Nobody can help me but You. 

Save me please, Lord, turn me into one of Sri Radha's loyal maidservants; 

I plead you, place me under Her care. 

O Devi, please guide my heart toward Your lotus feet! 

Please let me surrender to You and no one else. 

I have no other friend, no other shelter and no other recourse,

 but Your service, name, worship, and shelter. 

I beg of You, Goddess, save me from my wretched materialistic desires. 

Prepare me for Your Ladyship's service. You are my only resort."

Rescuing the Lord

Last night, I had a dream about a local devotee turned drama player. She has previously acted in temple dramas, and in my dream she had become a famous stage player. I was excited to see her on stage at a local university campus. As I approached the campus I heard a loud, nagging cry in my mind. I could hear the voice, but it seemed no one else could perceive it. I wondered, "Who is that?" and the voice clearly replied, "Who do you think?"
It was the Lord's voice, and He had specific demands. First, He informed me that he was being neglected by the young devotee actress. He complained that since she had become popular and successful, she had started to neglect Him. He was in the form of a small marble stone statue and traveled alongside her as she toured. He mentioned, "She has a lover who gives her gifts of flowers, jewelry, and sweets, but she does not share any of it with Me. She could at least offer something to Me, anything. She does not bathe, dress, feed, or put me to rest. I am just a statute to her. I am cold, hungry, sleepy, and lonely. I am so exhausted and have not slept for days. Come get me and take me to your home."
Hearing of this regrettable behaviour, I wondered to myself if it was possible to express my concern to her in person. I reasoned that being an educated and cultured young woman, she would admit some shortcomings and rectify her negligence. I set off in search for her, and found her in the arms of her lover, desperately embracing, kissing passionately, and still in full costume backstage. Both were stage players, and apparently fell violently in love during their tour. On closer inspection, I noticed that her lover was not a man, but an actress dressed as the male protagonist. My first impression was that she so desperately sought immediate gratification that she had not bothered to remove her elaborate makeup and costume, feed her Krishna Deity, or even check on Him in the dressing room first. I heard Sri Krishna speak once more, "You see? I told you, she is only concerned for herself; she is selfish! Come get me, quickly, before she comes back!" I finally relented and followed His directions toward the dressing rooms. After winding my way through the halls, I found her dressing room, there behind the unlocked door stood a small Krishna deity-- naked, alone, hungry, and dirty, very, very dirty. I snatched Him and instructed Him to hide in my handmade bag, and keep very quiet. He laughed at me and said, "You're the only one who can hear me, fool!" I woke up shortly after kidnapping Krishna, and escaping through the halls.
After analyzing the dream more carefully, I wonder how often I think of the Lord's well-being. The Lord does not need me to bath, feed, dress, or worship Him. He does not need my fruits, flowers, jewelry, or sweet offerings. He does not need my incense, ghee lamps, water, or ornate fans. He wants my love, devotion, affection, and attention. He cries out for me to look after Him. He mercifully gives me the opportunity to serve Him, without regard to my caste, creed, background, or social status.
He is never concerned with our bodies, but intends to pervade our minds, hearts, and souls. I wonder, regrettably, how negligent I am of Him in my daily worship. I wonder if the devotee actress is rather a representation of me. Having plenty of admirers and sensual pleasures abound, have I forgotten the Lord? Am I neglecting Him? Is he begging me to rescue Him from a lonely existence?

Simple Reckonings

Today was my first day of the semester, and it was thoroughly enjoyable. Except for the cold weather, everything was great. I have not attended my self defense and Taekwondo class in about a month. I was planning to immerse myself deeper into my martial arts practice this winter break, but I think The Lord may have other plans for me. I want to take a semester of martial arts on campus, at least, to better discipline myself and regulate my practice. On Sunday I had the opportunity to perform a duet with Bob at church during the Prelude. I am so flattered that he is impressed with me, and I could swear Juanita almost cried during the service when she heard Be Still My Soul. If I can satiate one soul, and thereby please The Lord with my service, it will make my life fruitful.
Piano class is going to be another enjoyable challenge. Yet again, I found the mercy of Sri Guru personified in an excellent professor, Ms. Jones. She is a thoroughly witty, opinionated, and humorous lady; I think I should do well under her tutelage.
I frequently hear students complain about their incompetent professors, but I am starting to believe this is a myth. There are probably very few incompetent professors, if any. I think it is more likely the students are incompetent, and lack a sense of accountability. It is quite common to blame someone else for your own mistakes, shortcomings, and flaws. It is easier to blame someone else for your problems rather than admit fault and take rectifying measures.
Today Citravasini taught me a new recipe for non-yeast rolls; she says the recipe can be adapted with any filling, whether cinnamon, cocoa, poppy seeds, or nuts. I will try to share it here with pictures. They resemble cinnamon rolls, and are prepared much in the same way yet omit yeast leavening. They are soft and tender due to the use of cottage cheese in the dough to condition it. Additionally, I am almost finished with another set of deity outfits, though, they are probably too small for the gurukul deities. I may have to alter the outfit in order to fit Their Lordships' height. I am not sure, however, I hope a good night's sleep will bring some ideas. Tomorrow, I plan to purchase textbooks, practice my instruments, and sew Deity outfits.

Krishna help me, my mind is thoroughly active and restless. Time is my enemy.  Even a thousand arms and heads would not accommodate me. If only I could expand myself to engage fully in each of my services. Lord of  all mystics, achieve this feat for me, please. 

Catching Up

My Christmas and holiday break has been pretty good so far. My relatives visited throughout Christmas and my nephew slept over. I spent a lot more time practing violin and sewing holiday projects. Recently a got a job for two bead bags and two book bags for two devotee brothers. Unfortunately, Krishna Chandra got really sick, I lost a lot of sleep, and was delayed for two days. Today I finally caught a break and managed a couple hours of productive sewing sessions. I forgot to photograph the Japa mala bags, one of which is linen. It looks incredibly stylish and so chic, I'm thinking about making a linen mala bag for myself and Chandaneśwar prabhu. I still have another request for another devotee; he wants drawstring bags, and a bead bag as well. I am also stitching up a quickie quilt for a relative, and eventually I hope to get around to some dresses, blouses, and skirts for myself. Above all else, I meditate on outfits for my lordships. I have plenty of material; I just need patience, determination, and enthusiasm. 😊
This morning I had the pleasure of accompanying Prajapati prabhu; we performed Away In A Manger and What Child Is This during the church service. I met some lovely congregation members, enjoyed the pastor's sermon, and was delighted that everyone enjoyed our musical offering. Juanita has a favorite hymn that I'd like to play for her pleasure. Hopefully we can do it soon.

Jay Sri Sri Guru Gouranga!

Lakshmi Puja/Damodara Mas

Yesterday we celebrated Lakshmi puja at our home. I lightly decorated the porch and sidewalk after sweeping and washing it. I purified my home with cow dung smoke and incense, and then set an altar for Lakshmi devi. I bathed my Lakshmi Narasimhadev with milk, yogurt, ghee, honey, and sugar water. Chandaneswar prabhu performed arati, while  Krishna Chandra and his cousins bathed the deities and offered ghee lamps to Lord Damodar. I was really satisfied with our simple but devoted puja. 

Later, I went to offer a ghee lamp at Radha Kalachandji's temple, and took some photos with my camera phone. Radha Kalachandji were bedecked in jewels and donning a luminescent white outfit. Shining brighter than a thousand moons, Kalachandji and Sri Radhe glanced gracefully and captivated the hearts of Their admirers. I can not describe how fortunte I am to have Their mercy.

It is impossible to describe the saundarya quality of Radha Kalachandji fully.
I can only allude to Their exquisite beauty in unworthy fragments. 

Pondering and such

 Well, it's been a really long time since I blogged last-- exactly a month. I'm sorry I've let my blog sit for so long but if it's any consolation, I haven't been writing in my journal either so you know there isn't anything worth mentioning even in passing. I've been pretty busy these past couple of weeks with class and preparing myself for more classes. I don't want to take on too much at a time as I don't know what my capacity for coursework is, how stressed out I might become or even if I'll be able to manage my time wisely. Besides that, there is nothing really going on in my life.

I've been thinking more about my education and where I want it to take me, career-wise. I am more lost and confused about a career path than I was fifteen years ago. I can honestly say my twelve-year-old self had a more defined sense of purpose in life. I guess my general interests have changed but specifically, the only thing that's really changed since then is my spirituality. When I was twelve, I was trying to distance myself as much as possible from crochet and crafts, as it was no longer 'cool' and instead obsessed about violin and violin mastery. I was really obsessed, I mean, I used to write poems and make artwork about my instrument, music and violin.

  I don't have that one-pointed vision anymore and, though I'm glad I've broadened my general interests, I still wish I had that yogic mental prowess I had then. It's laughable if you really think about it carefully. I was strong-willed, determined, patient, and extremely mature in my musical endeavors. I wonder if I still have that energy and enthusiasm in me. Can I focus my energy and enthusiasm towards a higher purpose and reach my goal?

I guess you're wondering if I'm going off topic and I wonder that too. I write in cryptic and vague language, sometimes alluding to different topics or even writing in hidden and double meanings. I know, I've been doing that a lot lately but I'll let you figure it out.

মাদ্রী দেবী দাসী 

Practice Makes Perfection

Today I had a super busy day today, woke up early to practice and headed to the DMV; as it turns out I'll have to wait in line again tomorrow. I didn't eat a proper lunch and was so disappointed that we stopped in at a friends house to visit. After a short nap, I felt refreshed and my husband and I went shopping for groceries, went home, cooked and took prasad. He's finally sleeping now. I couldn't finish my apron as I had planned for today, hopefully tomorrow everything will be wrapped up and I can move on to the next phase: transferring Tulasi devi indoors, planning Krishna Chandra's birthday party and our annual trip to New Orleans Ratha Yatra. I can't wait for the trip, the party, festivals and Karttik end, though I have to say, my vows are something that I pleasantly look forward to each day. During pranayam and yoga in the early morning hours, I re-commit myself to each one and meditate on ways to release myself from material conditioning and attachment. Krishna is very merciful, when I am satisfied, I remember Him easily and continue my daily services pleasantly and when my mind is terribly disturbed by material nature and I find it increasingly unbearable to withstand another moment, I remember Him even more in that wretched weakness.

Giriraj is very charming and gorgeously dressed in His opulent silk outfits with lovely flower garlands hanging around His neck.

I uploaded photos of Giriraj for you all to take darshan.  I still have those garlands, I'm drying them out in my temple room now. I laughed really hard when Nitai Chand told me, "You see, even if you're not here you have to serve Giriraj somehow or other. If He wants seva from you, you can't escape it." as I arranged the flower vases, indicating as he so often does that Giriraj is very particular about his sevaks. I guess he's under the impression that I moved out in order to escape my service to Giriraj but he must know, deep inside, that I just hated living in that dilapidated old hole-in-the-wall. This place is much more structurally sound, though there is less privacy and interior space, I prefer it this way.

Sri Giri-Govardhan is always surrounded by lovely cows. 

A Musing, Of Course

It's Trisprsa Mahadvadasi and Annada Ekadasi here in Radha Kalachandji Dham today, it is also His Holiness Gopal Krishna Goswami's Vyasa puja day. Our landlord, a disciple of Maharaj, wanted to do the program and feast today so early in the morning we all started pitching in our share of work to make it happen. He invited some god-brothers over to celebrate and soon the house was bustling with busy bees. Garlands, prasadam, arati, kirtan... it was all shaping up to be a nice program. Unfortunately, not everyone could make it this morning but we had a puspañjali and kirtan anyhow. There will be prasadam served again for dinner, I had so much at lunch that I can barely move. I photographed the maha-prasadam plate so you could all see how many preparations they made-- on Ekadasi, no less!

cauliflower paneer, samo seeds, palak paneer, plantain chips, watermelon, yams, fruit salad and 'regular' salad

 I wanted to post photographs of the Deities' new Janmastami outfits for you. Jagannath Baladev Subhadra and Baby Gopal got new outfits on Janmastami but I couldn't swing Gaura Nitai and Madan Gopal's in time. They should be finished by Radhastami.

Jagannath Baladev Subhadra and Ladhu Gopal in Their new ivory outfits

Plus, today I worked a few rows on the Elise shawl and took a photo to record my progress, she's at ten inches tall and fourteen inches wide. I'm excited about her.. the multiple personality scarf is.... well, a different story. I'm almost finished but I can't decide how long I really want her to be. Don't ask. 

 

Elise at fourteen inches

I've concluded that working anything finer than size three is inviting insanity or disaster or both, therefore, I will not be working anything in size ten crochet cotton ever again. Hopefully, I will remember this important vow in future incarnations, assuming that my next lifetimes will also be afflicted with crochet-addiction. I would tattoo this instruction to my arm (along with other useful information) but I know that it'd be useless. Utterly useless. 

Random Bits

Well, first, I wanted to let you all know that the scarf is a good thirty inches at the moment so I'm half-way done (or more depending on my final length). I still haven't decided yet so we'll just keep on crocheting until I feel the piece has come to completion. The other day, Krishna Chandra churned his own butter and yesterday baked his own bread. Too bad today is Ekadasi so he can't have it, still I took photos of him hard at work.

 I took some photos of Their Lordships here in Dallas, so I wanted to share those with you too. It's not often that I remember to photograph the Deities, even during festivals. I'm usually too busy to even bring my camera, what to speak of snapping a few shots here and there. Is that so much to ask? In honor of Rath Yatra, I'm posting pics of Jagannath Baladevi Subhadra

Here is a close-up of the broomstick lace and tunisian crochet scarf. She is white but don't hold that against her, she has a nice sheen about her. I'm running low on thread so I have to pick up some more.

Size 3 White Crochet Cotton, 3.25mm and 15mm hooks.

I'm working on a new project, it's a pattern I found on ravelry.com that I loved immediately on seeing the simple but elegant design. If you don't already have a Ravelry account, I suggest you get one. They have loads of free patterns and a yarn database. It's amazing, I go there for inspiration all the time. I made this Elise shawl for my Deities last year in wool for Their winter wardrobe.

 It's called the Elise Shawl pattern and you can find it on Ravelry. Here's a picture of my work so far. 

Something funny happened this morning, well I don't know if it's really funny or not but it was definitely weird. I found this really long saffron stem when I was grinding the Lord's chandan paste. I asked Krishna Chandra to run and get the camera so I could photograph it.

Crazy. Really long saffron stem with style still attached. 

Camera Trouble

Today I want to share some photos with you. My camera has been acting up lately so who knows how long this set of batteries will last before he throws in the towel. Yes, my camera is a male.. an obstinate and un-cooperative one.

First, I have a single photo of Gauranga Mahaprabhu. That's around the time the last set of batteries when out on me and I subsequently had a fit. Hence, the single shot...

Mahaprabhu's sringar is kinda crooked. The one day I get the camera on and His chandan is all lop-sided. Go figure. These days, the Deities' outfits are mostly purchased because I've not been doing much sewing. Plus, I got these outfits in Loi Bazaar in Vrindaban, the Deity paraphernalia capital of the world. Their stuff is expensive but much more beautiful than anything I could ever make myself. "It's the love that counts" I know.. but damn, look at that sequinned chadar and embroidery. Doesn't that look amazing? Okay.. next.

The illusive tunisian and broomstick crochet scarf I've been working on.

I took a close up so you can see the detail of both stitches. Right now it is a good sixteen inches in about two weeks labor, so in about a month it should be finished. Assuming I don't have a crochet meltdown and go psycho.

I took the camera out on the trail today, we saw a rabbit or honey-bunny as we like to call them. Krishna Chandra got a good close-up look at him before he ran away. No bunny photos, sorry, but I did get some nice tagging artwork from the trail. Here's one I really like. Does that say TOM? I don't really care, it's the dragon I love!

And here's one of the man and child. Eh. Krishna Chandra loves riding his bike and Chandanewar prabhu jogs after him. They call it a 'race' though really Chandaneswar is not much competition for him. He pedals really fast and we get winded easily. Old fogies.

Sri Sri Radha Madan Mohan

A few days ago, I had a very special dream about Sri Sri Radha Krishna deities. I know I've said it before but I'll tell you guys again, I don't usually have dreams about Radha Krishna so it is very rare for me. This particular dream was radically different from my other dreams in so many ways that I'm struck with wonder and awe as to how everything happened. For example, this dream was very quick, without a lot of vivid details and not as "lucid" as my other dreams regarding Sri Sri Radha Krishna; usually, I dream of worshiping Sri Sri Radha Krishna in my home with opulent paraphernalia and ornaments, They are always large white marble deities, approximately 24"-30" in height and They have no Names. In this dream, I was gifted a small set of Sri Sri Radha Krishna deities by a devotee; Their Lordships were approximately eight inches in height, possibly astadhatu--They were extremely effulgent, so much so that I struggled to take darshan at first glance. The devotee, a mid-twenty to thirties man, is holding the Deities in his arms and approaches me, he doesn't speak to me or even look at me and I never even bother to look at him but I can "hear" him say that Their Lordships have gone largely unattended and that he is hoping to find someone who will serve Them faithfully. I can't explain to you how I received this communication because the sound did not emanate from his external body, it was as if we communicated solely on a telepathic level... at the time this was only a minor, insignificant detail in the matter.
Meanwhile, I'm completely taken in by the beauty of Their Lordships, They have an exceptionally charming demeanor and charismatic air about Them. Their faces are full, round and chubby and They reminded me of Sri Sri Radha Damodar due to their very youthful appearance.


The awesome beauty of Their Lordships even rivaled that of Sri Sri Radha Damodar; due to Their sweet, smiling faces and enchanting eyes, one would fall immediately in love with Them and forget one's very life....
Sri Krishna had very chubby, dimpled, rosy cheeks and large locks of gorgeous, raven-black curls that swept gently across His lotus face while Sri Radha's bright reddish, lotus-petaled eyes, as effulgent as the full moon, accentuated the astounding beauty of Her round, moon-shaped face, even Her beautiful blushing cheeks resembled small, perfectly round, red apples. In the dream, I heard no external sound, as if the dream were on mute and I could only hear a voice that permeated the ether, the mind and subtle elements, it revealed the Names, "Sri Sri Radha Madan Mohan" and with that I accepted Their Most Delightful Lordships deep into the core of my heart.