The Disciple's Vow

At times I feel overwhelmed, alone and afraid. I don't even recognize myself sometimes and I feel as if I've transformed into an entirely different person. I've learned that, like a marriage, it is impossible for one to truly know their spiritual partner. One could spend his or her entire life with someone and still have a shallow or incomplete understanding of that individual. A spiritual master may see only what representation the disciple portrays of him/herself. (The eternal spiritual master who resides in the heart, Sri Guru, however, is never fooled.)
Disciples frequently lack the maturity or complexity to understand the desire and wishes of the spiritual master. Likewise, it is daunting to understand the Self. While the pact between master and disciple is before God to each other, allegiance in spiritual life is also an allegiance to the Self. The disciple is obligated to act always in his spiritual best interest. By no exaggeration, it is the primary priority of the initiated disciple to remain chaste to her eternal spiritual identity and duty. Failure to do so would hamper all progress and lead her astray; in fact, such misgivings could turn her away from the spiritual path entirely if given to offenses and accumulated misconceptions.
I do not know my Self. I do not understand my Self. I've often succumbed to doubt, temptation, fear and, most of all, hesitation. I fear to act, speak, feel or think for fear that it may not be palatable to others. I fear that my actions could be misconstrued or condemned or deemed reckless. I've found few things that truly bring me joy-- music, martial arts, and dedicated study. I've found that often I learn more valuable lessons in pursuit of mundane knowledge than in a dry discourse. I've seen drug addicts, addicts of the flesh, gamblers and so-called lost souls with more humanity, compassion and wisdom to offer than even the most weathered practitioner in temple. I find their lessons most valuable, relevant and influential-- for they remind me that the Lord can lead anyone back Home just as easily as illusion can lead her astray.
O Keshava! I've seen You staring back at me in the pages of a book. I have seen the Lord-- He was hidden between scribbled notes on the page. The Lord was found in careful arithmetic and calculations, in the relaxed breath between poetic phrases, dancing amid notes on sheet music. He was intelligence, beauty, an exasperated sigh and fluent understanding breaching forth from the page. I felt the Divinity within myself, around me, encoded within the multiverse, and brimming forth unbounded! I felt alone in this realization as I feared no one else had this same vision and yet I felt swaddled, safe in the Divine Feminine's arms.
Of all my identities, I found that the one I treasure, protect and keep hidden is the one that I should nurture and cultivate. She is locked away in a tower, accessible only with great effort. She is appalled and frustrated and distrustful of the outside world. She lives in her own imagination, in a fantastic faery-tale realm with ivory towers that offer her fortification from the grotesque. She is alone and peaceful, and yet restless and yearning for escape. She remains chaste, loyal and faithful to her spiritual master and awaits patiently his orders and instructions!

Sectarianism in Vaishnava Practice

It's only one o'clock in the afternoon right now. It took me about twenty minutes to do my make up but I feel like it really should have taken me much longer. Am I getting better at applying makeup or did I just skip something important out of forgetfulness? I don't know.
I completed a discussion assignment for my online class and I feel like I spent a disproportionate amount of my week studying for what turned out to be a fairly easily topic to address. Not that the assignment was easy, what I mean is, I didn't think I had at least 400 words to say on the subject until I started typing up my response. Before I knew it, I was over 700 words, I guess I should have word-counted sooner, so I spend more time cutting the fat than I actually spend organizing my thoughts. Interesting.
Also, I wanted to post a photo of Brahmacharini Devi but I decided against it because I remember I attached one during an earlier post from last year about an interesting dream I had. It's here, if you're interested in reading about it. Instead, let me post a picture of Durga's nine incarnations because I haven't done that yet. As Vasanta Durga puja approaches, I've been considering performing Durga puja and Saraswati puja at home. We'll see what happens... wish me luck.
Actually, I've wanted to do goddess pujas in the past, but being an advocate for Vaishnavism and a practicing Vaishnava, it is typically frowned upon to worship demigods. In my quest for spiritual understanding, I've outgrown all the sectarian supremacy and dogmatic nonsense. I really believe that Goddess puja is as spiritually rewarding and fulfilling for a sincere practitioner as Vishnu or Krishna puja. That is to say, if someone has a sincere desire for spiritual upliftment, not material benefits. Years ago, I had several dreams about Goddesses beckoning me to Their worship. She urged me to worship Her in order to receive maximum results; I still don't know what 'maximum results' entails, however, it is ever-enticing an offer.
I believe that in our earnest (and zealous) ambition to worship Sri Krishna, we may inadvertently offend and disrespect demigods, which negatively affects our sadhana bhakti. The result being the same as offending a Vaishnava. Krishna devotees seem to forget that demigods are expansions of the Supreme Absolute Truth as well as servants of Krishna so we should offer Them all respects (though we aren't obligated to worship Them either). They are not ordinary souls, and if one agrees that Krishna is the Adi-Purush, one should also accept that all incarnations, expansions, etc come from Him, so in effect, we are offending Him to a degree when we disrespect demigods.

Attaing Mañjari Bhava

I woke up from a strange dream this morning and decided to write it down. We went to temple this morning for Guru-puja and Bhagavatam Katha. I dreamt that I was back in Braja-Dham searching for something. I was at the marketplace searching for something or someone. It was unclear what it was, or who it was, but I was desperately searching. At the marketplace, I spotted a lovely yogini dressed in tattered cloth performing yoga postures in the muddied road. She wore no garments save for a shredded loincloth, and kept an old, ragged mat which she sat upon. There were shoppers that would place alms in her bowl and after some time she collected her belongings, shattered, tattered, and bare, and left. Intrigued, I followed her alongside the road back toward her hermitage, which was shockingly clean, resplendent, fresh, aromatic, and wonderfully decorated with auspicious symbols. The courtyard area fumed with cow dung smoke billowing out into the atmosphere laced with purifying herbs and resins that reached out and caressed my hair and face. I gazed around the courtyard and spotted well-manicured gardens with fruit, berry, and nut tress of various types. I couldn't believe my eyes and rubbed them to be sure it wasn't an illusion. The very site of such a spiritually infused domicile lifted my consciousness and mood, and I suddenly felt that I was transported to the real Braja-Dham.

Along the walls were written names of Sri Radhe and Sri Krishna along with beautifully drawn flowers, creepers, and invocation symbols: lotus, oil lamp, plow, discus, club, water pots, bow, leaves, and syllables. I announced myself to the yogini and she re-emerged from within the residence dressed in fresh, clean garments, adorned with tilak, scented with intoxicating oils, and ornamented with enchanting cosmetics and donning a large set of chanting beads. So different from before, she looked more like the goddess Durga in her mood of meditation as Brahmacharini rather than the dirty, ashen, gaunt yogini from before that I hardly recognized her!

She introduced herself and pointed out that I was not a local, therefore, I should not traverse these parts unknown alone. I asked her forgiveness and stated my intentions clearly and boldly. She understood my mind and heart immediately and accepted me in her home. She said that I would receive a day's instruction from her, and then in the evening I would have to bathe in the holy river Yamuna, and change my garments. I readily agreed and asked what services I should render. She told
me that she was self-sufficient and perfectly capable of serving herself, what need was there for a servant when we are borne in ignorance and serve our senses since birth! Admonished, I apologised, and rephrased, "Devi, what tasks should I perform that serve me best?" She said, "Naturally, you're inclined towards the arts, so you should perfect those traits and qualities that are your strongest. Master this, young one, and you'll be a favourite among the damsels of Braj". She introduced a simple choreographed step, which I mimicked perfectly, then another, and again. We continued for some time until it was time to rest and eat. Somehow, it seemed that she did not cook, ever, her plants, vines, and trees produced food that were so complete and perfect, it would satiate all thirst, fatigue, hunger and unrest. So she continued tutoring me in political arts. "In Braj, you must master diplomacy, tact, wit, and stratagem in order to manage the various camps. Each has their strong suit, yours is to know their hearts and engage them rightly. Master this, and you'll learn the secrets of the universe."  Much of what she taught was veiled in cryptic allegories and coded messages about battle, politics, and military stratagem.

We practiced yoga and dhyan for some time in the afternoon, and she taught me bits of her bhava sadhana by which I understood that she was an adept practitioner deeply realised in the raganug path. In the evening, my mistress sent me away to the market while she continued to immerse herself in her evening meditation of the Divine Couple and Their elevated servants. She cried out names of various mañjaris. I almost didn't leave her presence for fear of never seeing her again. If I found my mistress by chance, certainly I could lose her by chance. As I made my way to Loi bazaar, back to the clamouring marketplace buzzing with chatter, swarming with throngs of anxious shoppers and sweaty shopkeepers, inundated with cheap trinkets rattling and colourful cloth waving in the air, I was brought back down to earth. I had to find clothes that were more suitable to Braja-vas, for as my mistress said, what I had on screamed out that I was a Mayapur-Vasini, an outsider, a foreigner. Not from Braj. Right then, a large dark, ominous cloud in the heavens burst on the scene and I suddenly found myself caught in the height of a monsoon storm. Soaked to the core, I waited around for a break in the rain with no luck. The shoppers scattered here and there. Some attendants retreated into their shops to relax and eat while my eyes darted around restlessly looking for shelter. I woke up from my dream. It was yet only six o'clock. 

Marjanam

Today was the Gundica Marjan festival at our local temple. Appropriately, I'm in the process of cleaning house. Yesterday I organized & sorted saris with the help of a close friend. I'm giving away dozens of outfits (again); I feel compelled to change my physical appearance, identity, and style. Not only that, but I feel like the exterior is symptomatic of something I feel deep inside. I'm transforming and undergoing a metamorphosis. I've felt this way a lot this past decade but sometimes I feel like I'm going in circles. (I'm constantly enduring painful growth spurts) Why do I feel this way, even after ten years of conscious endeavor toward growth? I'm starting to feel like there is something I'm missing or skipping. I've been feeling more open and forthcoming lately but I also really raw & emotional. I don't like feeling raw & emotional because it's powerfully overwhelming to me. I find myself feeling insecure at times & when I try to analyze those feelings, I get frustrated or feel self-conscious. What's going on? I suppose the only thing to do is surrender to those emotions and let myself feel them thoroughly. In fact, it may be cathartic to let them pass through me instead of holding back. I'm afraid though, and I'm more afraid of exploring these emotions. I find myself in prayer sometimes, distracted from the external world and begging my Lord and Lady for help.

"My Dear Kalachandji, please help me. 

Nobody can help me but You. 

Save me please, Lord, turn me into one of Sri Radha's loyal maidservants; 

I plead you, place me under Her care. 

O Devi, please guide my heart toward Your lotus feet! 

Please let me surrender to You and no one else. 

I have no other friend, no other shelter and no other recourse,

 but Your service, name, worship, and shelter. 

I beg of You, Goddess, save me from my wretched materialistic desires. 

Prepare me for Your Ladyship's service. You are my only resort."

Radha Madhava-Kalachandji

This morning, at 3:51 am, I woke up from a strange dream. I dreamt I was at a temple, possibly Mayapur, during a large festival gathering. From what I could tell, this was not an American temple, it looked like Mayapur Chandradaya mandir,  except Radha Kalachandji stood where Radha Madhava stand amidst the sakhira. I scanned the temple room to find familiar faces, but to no avail. I pondered if this would be my last opportunity to see Them once again, and gasped for breath. The thought alone petrified and paralyzed me in fear. I threw myself upon the floor, offering astanga pranam, and began rolling my entire body, such as the Bangladeshi mothers do in full, loving surrender.
"I may never see you again, my Lord. I don't know when I will see you again." It seems from my behavior, that this was a special darshan, meaning, no one else saw Kalachandji; this was a special significator for something amazing and rare. When I looked up, I saw a familiar face, a devotee from our community was taking darshan of Radha Madhava-Kalachandji; she was completely alone, and she was wearing non-devotional attire. I thought this was strange because she usually wears saris.
When I looked up to see Kalachandji, I noticed that He was taking darshan of Mataji; Sri Radhe and Kalachandji were having darshan of their devotee, and Kalachandji gracefully smiled at her. I could understand that only by special mystic vision could I witness this occurrence, and I bowed before Their Lordships once again, rolling on the ground.
I typically don't journal these dreams publicly for the same reason, but I thought I would write it anyway. I don't know whether I should reveal this dream to this Mataji or if I should keep it secret. I have a feeling this dream has a deep significance, and it may be better if I keep it to myself. 

Lakshmi Puja/Damodara Mas

Yesterday we celebrated Lakshmi puja at our home. I lightly decorated the porch and sidewalk after sweeping and washing it. I purified my home with cow dung smoke and incense, and then set an altar for Lakshmi devi. I bathed my Lakshmi Narasimhadev with milk, yogurt, ghee, honey, and sugar water. Chandaneswar prabhu performed arati, while  Krishna Chandra and his cousins bathed the deities and offered ghee lamps to Lord Damodar. I was really satisfied with our simple but devoted puja. 

Later, I went to offer a ghee lamp at Radha Kalachandji's temple, and took some photos with my camera phone. Radha Kalachandji were bedecked in jewels and donning a luminescent white outfit. Shining brighter than a thousand moons, Kalachandji and Sri Radhe glanced gracefully and captivated the hearts of Their admirers. I can not describe how fortunte I am to have Their mercy.

It is impossible to describe the saundarya quality of Radha Kalachandji fully.
I can only allude to Their exquisite beauty in unworthy fragments. 

Heartache

My heart aches. I'm so terrified it hurts and I don't even know of what I am afraid.

My entire life, I've contented myself with simply admiring the beauty of the ocean's shore. I endeavored to find the ocean in hopes of an escape but waded cautiously on large boulders rather than seal my fate. Now that I behold her infinite beauty, my fears I can't delay. Should I dive in fully and immerse myself or shivering run away?

Trepidation

Diary entry:

January 25, 2012 Tritiya, Gaura paksha, Madhav mas...

I can't believe I'm jealous of a man. I think my jealousy is rooted in insecurity over my marriage. Sometimes I feel caged in and at other times I feel like I'm powerless or have no control over anything, especially my marriage. Sometimes I feel as if I have nobody to talk to around here except for Chandaneśwar prabhu. I guess I try too hard to impress Chandaneśwar. He doesn't seem to care... anyway. I could make other friends, cultivate relationships outside of my married life. Find others with shared interests.

বাবা মা স্বামী বউ পুরুষ মহিলা প্রেম ঘৃণা 

I love him, I'm still madly in love with him and it drives me insane. I wish I had a friend to talk with, someone who could listen for hours and remain eternally interested. Only Krishna. 

কৃষ্ণ কৃষ্ণ কৃষ্ণ কৃষ্ণ! বলরাম বলরাম! নিত্যানন্দ গৌরাঙ্গ গৌরাঙ্গ নিত্যানন্দ ! নিত্যানন্দ গৌরাঙ্গ! 

আমার সুধু পাখার হাওয়া. 

Is it wrong to feel lonely and alone when you're in a committed relationship, even happily married? Is it wrong to desire, nay, wish otherwise? To fall in love again and go mad with desire again! To feel young and invincible, rash and adventurous, bold and uninhibited by mundane social stigmas? We are limiting ourselves; we have ridiculously degrading standards for everything. I can't even believe it when I think about it. I want to run away. 

Normally, I'd pack a single bag and head for the hills, mountains, bleak isolation in the country, a farm. Alone with my thoughts--Love and Serenity, contemplating the important things: water-splashing, skinny-dipping, frolicking in the grass and sunbathing in the nude!  flowers in my hair. oil on my skin. massages. massage circles. danger. fear. trepidation. lust.

and plenty of Krishna. কৃষ্ণ কৃষ্ণ কৃষ্ণ রাম রাম রাম রাধে রাধে রাধে শ্রী রাধে, আমার রানী, প্রানেস্বরী! কৃষ্ণ আমার হৃদয়, হৃদয়নাথ!  I spoke with my friend and god-sister, Prema-rupa. I feel much better!

Parting Words

My Dearest Heath,

Heath, Heath, Heath! Where have you gone to now? I can only speculate but I will pray earnestly that you find your way back home, back to the lotus feet of the Lord. Why did you have to enchant us with your witty jokes and charm? Now all I have left of you are conversations and memories of playful times. Wonderful times. You always knew how to make everyone laugh-- even the teachers would crack up! We were all drawn in by your magnetic personality; we couldn't help being drawn in just like bees towards honey. I wonder if you will be entertaining the angels and demigods in the heavenly planets? I imagine you will. Mostly, I wonder if I was a good enough friend to you or if you resented me. I never had the courage to ask you and simply bear the truth. Can I ever forgive myself for it? I don't know, man, but I will sure as hell try. Will you please forgive me and love me anyhow? Please, pray for us-- everyone you've left behind-- and offer us your blessings as you journey onward. Oh, and Heath, don't forget to write! : P Hehe.
We love you, Heath. We'll miss you immensely and never forget you! May the lotus feet of the Supremely Sweet Sri Krishna be upon you very soon. May Sri Radhe along with Her intimate maid-servants bestow Their blessings and love upon you.  Jaya Sri Radhe! Jaya Bhakti-pradayini Srimati Tulasi Devi, Vrinda Devi Maharani! Jaya Srila Prabhupada! Gauranga! Nityananda!  Hare Krishna!
Your friend,
 Madri devi dasi 

Sri Festival-utsav

Haribol everyone!

Well yesterday was Janmastami and I managed to finish Jagannatha Baladev Subhadra and Baby Gopal's  new ivory brocade outfits. I'm still in the process of working Gaura Nitai and Madan Gopal's  outfits, plus, I have another project lined up-- hopefully everything will be complete by Radhastami. Also, did I tell you that we ordered Srimati Radharani's silver anklets for Her? I also ordered another "fancy" set for myself... yes, I did just get new ankle bells a while back but my husband loves me dearly and who am I to argue with him over how he shows his affection? They should all arrive by Radhastami as well; I can't wait to see Sri Radhe's ankle bells  hopefully She will get to wear them on Radhastami. Their Lordships will have two new outfits in Their wardrobe by then. With each new outfit, I'm getting more practice and learning things each time around and having so much fun with creative projects. The outfits are also better each time around and have become more opulent and elaborate. I'm glad I took a chance with sewing Deity outfits, if I hadn't, I would have been out a lot of cash buying outfits and would've never known the fun and challenging service of Deity jewelry and sewing. I have to work on my turban-making, though, I'm thinking about using Styrofoam balls to first shape and form the turban rather than making them directly on the Deity. Right now, I'm thinking up idea for the next outfit which will be green and magenta combination. When I have Them dressed up, I will remember to photograph Them and keep record of each outfit, color combinations and embellishments for future ideas. 

Today is Nandotsav-- Nanda Baba's festival for Krishna's birthday and the Appearance Day of Srila Prabhupada. I'm so exhausted from fasting and running around all day yesterday that I didn't even feel like going to the temple today, I got bathed and dressed but I think I'll wait until Srila Prabhupada's abhishek begins til I head down to the temple in order to avoid the crowd. Plus, I'm watching the Janmastami festival going on right now in Sri Mayapur Dham. If you want to see Sri Mayapur Chandroday Mandir you can view their webcam by visiting Mayapur.tv. They also have links to other live temple broadcasts.

Yesterday, Chandaneswar prabhu cooked several preparations for Sri Krsna Janmastami, it was offered during sandhya-bhoga, then sold in the maha-prasada stall in the festival. One devotee made my husband aware that immediately upon transferring his offerings to the maha-prasadam stall, it sold out. A gentleman purchased a single bowl, dipped his finger and tasted it, then  bought out everything on the tray! He asked Chandaneswar prabhu how it was possible for him to cook so many preparations and to give him the recipes for each dish. Prabhu usually cooks anywhere from eight to one dozen preparations for Kalachandji on Janmastami and everyone is always stunned at the quality and quantity of his preps. Usually the maha-prasad is distributed during the feast; his preps are so famous that devotees will fight over morsels of specialty dishes. I feel increasingly proud as I watch devotees hide bowls of curd dishes, vegetable curries and milk sweets in a secret place to retrieve it later.