New Acquaintances

Have you ever met someone new and trusted him or her implicitly? I do not typically trust or disclose much personal or pertinent information about myself to strangers or casual acquaintances but when I do, it is because I feel like I haven nothing to lose by holding back. I guess that is how I have felt lately. I instinctively felt that I could trust this person with myself because sHe knew who I was and where I was headed or what I wanted in life or in death. I can’t describe it any other way and for some reason, I feel like I want to express every part of it, expose the darkest corners of that dream and let you see inside.

I got that feeling recently from someone in real life and it caught me off guard. I disclosed information that I have been holding on to for a long time. I did not think twice or hesitate about disclosing it. I even felt this person was trustworthy and worthy of my truth. This has not happened to me a lot but it has started happening with more frequency. At first, I met a few people that I trusted with vaguely personal things, and then I met many people—complete outsiders from my world—but I felt that they were not outsiders, they were insiders and they knew me. They knew the deepest parts of me because they experienced, felt, and understood the same experiences.
Lately I have been focusing only on violin studies and my personal puja. I do not worry if people do not see me at the temple; in fact, I have stopped going every day. There was a time when I had to go to temple for darshan once a day. It was compulsory. Now I do not really care and many times I do not even bother going to feasts for very long if I am not feeling it. Instead, I stay home and worship my personal deities. I gather flowers and leaves from my garden for Them and bathe Them with a simple abhishek. I give them Tulasi leaves and sing for Them without fancy melodies but with heartfelt lyricism.
All right, so in my dream, I travelled to Mayapur with some friends. We would be there about a month or so and I heard that Indradyumna Maharaj was coming back to India around that time so I brought my violin with me. I waited around the Mayapur Chandradaya Mandir in hopes of seeing some familiar faces or making new friends. As it turned out, a few young women were walking by, clad in bright yellows, pinks, and whites, and carrying instruments, costumes, and sewing baskets. I immediately fell in with them and befriended their leader. They were all from Eastern Europe and met at various events. The leader was hand-sewing new outfits that employed Indo-Western fused fashion elements. I was taken aback because I have never seen another devotee wear, much less create that kind of garb for temple activities, and she was doing it by hand. I have experience with sewing machine but I will be the first to admit that my hand stitching needs more practice and I realized this would be an excellent way to learn and improve my craft. Interested, I asked her if she needed help, an assistant, to press, gather, pleat, baste and so on. I explained that I had some experience but I wanted to learn more from her and she agreed. First, I noticed she was making pleated trim by hand so I offered to show her a technique I developed that made the process much faster. When I showed her, her face lit up and she said, “That’s brilliant! What else do you know? Quickly we became best friends by exchanging methods and techniques; she also loved music and studied back home so naturally Maharaja brought her along during Harinam tours and concerts. Her quarters hosted a dozen other girls, equally talented in various fields. Some girls were dancer/choreographers, others costume designers, other actresses and directors, and some were painters. When they learned that I studied violin, they asked me to join their troupe and I was so excited that they invited me in!
Later on, I went back to the temple where I saw a disturbing sight. My mother travelled to India and was lying in a cot sick and weak. I went to see her but she said it was merely jetlag and she’d been worse before. I told her that she should have told me should would come so I could arrange lodging for her but she said, “No, just let me sleep and close the door.” When I opened the door to exit, rays of light streamed in, and I noticed some boys in bed with her, my nephews! All four curled up with grandma, snuggled in close like wolf pups in a den. I asked her why she brought them along, scolding her, “Don’t you know they can’t stay in these quarters? This is for the local pilgrims who cannot afford lodging! They need beds, not woven cots! The heat will get to them, they need running water, showers, and AC!” Next to them, I saw another devotee I recognized from Dallas. I was stunned; certainly, an American can afford a room in the guesthouse, so why was he bunched up on a horrible cot in the underbelly of the building? When I kissed my nephews and mother, they felt hot! I felt obligated to check the other devotee as well, so I touched his foot and sure enough, he was burning up with fever and his body was covered in sweat. Disturbed and embarrassed, I walked away in search of a devotee friend who runs the guest services in hopes of securing a couple rooms for my family and possibly this other devotee. I searched around the compound but I could not find him and he is usually easy to spot because he rides around on a bright blue motorcycle. Instead, I ran into my new friends and told them what was going on. They said they had some friends who would gladly take them in. Their house was outside of the temple compound but a short walk away. They also had AC, indoor plumbing with hot water and plenty of space for four young boys. I was relieved. Maybe these women were heaven sent, I thought, they were the loveliest and kindest ladies I ever met and they took me in like one of their own.

                                                                                                     

Attaing Mañjari Bhava

I woke up from a strange dream this morning and decided to write it down. We went to temple this morning for Guru-puja and Bhagavatam Katha. I dreamt that I was back in Braja-Dham searching for something. I was at the marketplace searching for something or someone. It was unclear what it was, or who it was, but I was desperately searching. At the marketplace, I spotted a lovely yogini dressed in tattered cloth performing yoga postures in the muddied road. She wore no garments save for a shredded loincloth, and kept an old, ragged mat which she sat upon. There were shoppers that would place alms in her bowl and after some time she collected her belongings, shattered, tattered, and bare, and left. Intrigued, I followed her alongside the road back toward her hermitage, which was shockingly clean, resplendent, fresh, aromatic, and wonderfully decorated with auspicious symbols. The courtyard area fumed with cow dung smoke billowing out into the atmosphere laced with purifying herbs and resins that reached out and caressed my hair and face. I gazed around the courtyard and spotted well-manicured gardens with fruit, berry, and nut tress of various types. I couldn't believe my eyes and rubbed them to be sure it wasn't an illusion. The very site of such a spiritually infused domicile lifted my consciousness and mood, and I suddenly felt that I was transported to the real Braja-Dham.

Along the walls were written names of Sri Radhe and Sri Krishna along with beautifully drawn flowers, creepers, and invocation symbols: lotus, oil lamp, plow, discus, club, water pots, bow, leaves, and syllables. I announced myself to the yogini and she re-emerged from within the residence dressed in fresh, clean garments, adorned with tilak, scented with intoxicating oils, and ornamented with enchanting cosmetics and donning a large set of chanting beads. So different from before, she looked more like the goddess Durga in her mood of meditation as Brahmacharini rather than the dirty, ashen, gaunt yogini from before that I hardly recognized her!

She introduced herself and pointed out that I was not a local, therefore, I should not traverse these parts unknown alone. I asked her forgiveness and stated my intentions clearly and boldly. She understood my mind and heart immediately and accepted me in her home. She said that I would receive a day's instruction from her, and then in the evening I would have to bathe in the holy river Yamuna, and change my garments. I readily agreed and asked what services I should render. She told
me that she was self-sufficient and perfectly capable of serving herself, what need was there for a servant when we are borne in ignorance and serve our senses since birth! Admonished, I apologised, and rephrased, "Devi, what tasks should I perform that serve me best?" She said, "Naturally, you're inclined towards the arts, so you should perfect those traits and qualities that are your strongest. Master this, young one, and you'll be a favourite among the damsels of Braj". She introduced a simple choreographed step, which I mimicked perfectly, then another, and again. We continued for some time until it was time to rest and eat. Somehow, it seemed that she did not cook, ever, her plants, vines, and trees produced food that were so complete and perfect, it would satiate all thirst, fatigue, hunger and unrest. So she continued tutoring me in political arts. "In Braj, you must master diplomacy, tact, wit, and stratagem in order to manage the various camps. Each has their strong suit, yours is to know their hearts and engage them rightly. Master this, and you'll learn the secrets of the universe."  Much of what she taught was veiled in cryptic allegories and coded messages about battle, politics, and military stratagem.

We practiced yoga and dhyan for some time in the afternoon, and she taught me bits of her bhava sadhana by which I understood that she was an adept practitioner deeply realised in the raganug path. In the evening, my mistress sent me away to the market while she continued to immerse herself in her evening meditation of the Divine Couple and Their elevated servants. She cried out names of various mañjaris. I almost didn't leave her presence for fear of never seeing her again. If I found my mistress by chance, certainly I could lose her by chance. As I made my way to Loi bazaar, back to the clamouring marketplace buzzing with chatter, swarming with throngs of anxious shoppers and sweaty shopkeepers, inundated with cheap trinkets rattling and colourful cloth waving in the air, I was brought back down to earth. I had to find clothes that were more suitable to Braja-vas, for as my mistress said, what I had on screamed out that I was a Mayapur-Vasini, an outsider, a foreigner. Not from Braj. Right then, a large dark, ominous cloud in the heavens burst on the scene and I suddenly found myself caught in the height of a monsoon storm. Soaked to the core, I waited around for a break in the rain with no luck. The shoppers scattered here and there. Some attendants retreated into their shops to relax and eat while my eyes darted around restlessly looking for shelter. I woke up from my dream. It was yet only six o'clock. 

Energy. Prana. Chi.

I know it has been a while since I last updated my blog. However, I have two extremely good reasons: I've been busy living, and I've been enjoying it. So there. I'm sorry I haven't made you the center of my universe lately, I'm sorry I haven't told you about every rewarding moment or inspiring situation of my day, but I have to live my life sometimes.
Actually, I take that back. I am unapologetic about my literary absence. If I have neglected you as a personal friend, I'm sure you will be understanding and supportive of my recent activities. If, however, you just read occasionally, then consider it hands-on research for more interesting material yet to come.
Self-defense/martial arts class is wonderful. We're learning to protect ourselves from violent criminals with a smile on our faces. I really enjoy the class, our instructor, and fellow students. I got one of best friends interested, and she's hooked. I met wonderful ladies at the other location today; the change of pace was just what I've been praying for. There are other things I've been doing daily: exercising, yoga, pranayam, meditation, natural beauty treatments, 'healthing', but most of all, I'm looking forward for school to start next week. Life is a graceful flow of one action into another.
This and other things I have learned as of late.
Energy. Prana. Chi. 

Sringar and Strange Dreams

I wanted to share the mehendi and alta designs that I completed today.

Last night I felt a little restless and started doodling along my hand.

 

 Unfortunately, the paste was too thin for the cone tip size, so the lines were as not sharp or controlled as I like. Still, the design is pretty good for the quality paste I made.

 Today, I wanted to decorate my feet as well, and since the mehendi was being finicky, I decided to use alta on them. I did simple vines on the toes, petals around the ankles and a heart in the middle. Originally, I planned to draw a paan leaf, however, my brushes were too thick for the fine line work necessary for detailed artwork.

The past couple of nights I have been having strange dreams that wake me up unusually early. One such dream was about my friend's dad. He gave up his job and started teaching at a local college. I walked into my class to find he was my new professor. I told my friend about it, especially about how differently he behaved in class than at home. Another dream was about flying and mountains, I think because we flew in a small plane recently. However, the most unusual one was about a charming couple that was hell bent on seducing me knowing I was happily married. They even suggested I remain 'open-minded' with regard to my dear husband.

"Oh my Lord," I exclaimed "what exactly are you insinuating? Do I come off as 'that kind of girl' to you?" With that indignant remark, I was startled awake. I could feel my heart racing, as if I were panic stricken by a very stressful situation. I don't know why I was so upset by that situation. Maybe because deep inside my heart somewhere, I am still agitated and disturbed by sexual advances. It makes me feel like prey, locked within the vision of a dangerous predator. Particularly when it involves couples, women, or my husband.

Expecting Summer

Well, I have one more final exam left, but this semester is finally over. I'm really proud of myself; all my hard work has paid off with straight As. I'm looking forward to the fall, but for now I just want to take a break and spend time with my friends and family. I have a few sewing project ideas lined up, so stick around to see them. I'll post my travels, ideas, projects, and realizations here more frequently during summer.
Recently, I noticed more matajis wearing the Bengali style sari, and while I am somewhat flattered (I can only take credit, since, I'm the only one around here who wears it), but I'm also a little worried. Some matajis still don't have very good fashion sense, or lack a sense of appropriate colors. I blame viewing too many Bollywood films with over-saturated colors, or color shock. For example, I observed a Westerner who colored her hair jet black (I guess to appear more ethnic), but instead she looks old, unhealthy, and strange. On top of that, she wore dark or rich colors, which would be appropriate for a warm complexioned person, but simply exaggerated her unnatural hair color and darkened circles around her eyes. Of course, I am not sure if she is just tired, but darkening the hair will only worsen the appearance of wrinkles, dark circles, and pale skin. If you dye your hair, please make sure you dye it to your natural hair color (to cover gray), or stay within two shades of your natural shade. If you are not sure, visit a professional hair colorist. Similarly, when lightening the hair color, it is important to stay as close to the natural shade, or one will risk looking 'washed out'.
Honestly, the temple is not the appropriate venue for something like this, however, it is obvious to me that these women need serious help. I wish there was a place where these matajis could receive personalized styling and fashion advice from an expert. A visit with a professional stylist, colorist, or hairdresser could have easily averted such a horrible mistake from ever happening. On wearing appropriate color combinations, shades, and hues, a person will appear healthier, beautiful, and natural. Everyone has different combinations of hair, eyes, and skin, therefore, everyone has a different color palette combination. On another occasion, I saw a mataji wearing heavy makeup, combined with a shockingly unnatural hair color that was too red for her skin tone, and a poor choice of apparel for her figure. This made her look older, sickly, and frumpy. Whereas, if she had chosen more appropriate make up and apparel, she would have appeared more vibrant and attractive.
Naturally, all women want to look beautiful, and they go to great extents to look and feel more attractive. Unfortunately, due to ignorance, some matajis are enticed to mimic the unrefined and gaudy styles they see in trashy Hindi movies. I forewarn anyone from copying these styles, as they are mostly unchaste and inappropriate, and will typically not suit many complexions. Matajis that combine these poorly will end up looking older, unhealthy, strange, and in some cases, extremely unchaste. Sometimes I feel like saying something, especially if others are criticizing or mocking them. However, I'm just not sure how to tactfully mention something like this without hurting anyone's feelings. Truly, these women need help. Most of the time, I see them trying colors which are not suitable to their complexion but  I have seen less obvious mistakes like combining apparel which is not suitable to the body type, personality, or appropriate for temple festivals, as well.

Homemade Sugar Wax

This homemade wax is a thrifty way to to look your best without the harsh chemicals, hot waxes and mess!
Let me tell you how to make it quickly and easily in your own home with few ingredients in ten minutes. 

First: You need a cup of sugar, two tablespoons of water and two tablespoons of lemon or lime juice.
Bring your ingredients to a rolling boil on high heat for two minutes. 

Your mixture will have a lot of froth and will look like this. Reduce the heat to medium and cook it for another two minutes.

After four minutes on medium heat it will look like this. At this time reduce the heat to low .

Seven minutes on low heat. Thick, syrup-like consistency with a warm amber color. Keep cooking it for another three minutes.

At ten minutes on low heat it will start to look and smell like caramel. Shut off the heat and turn your sugar wax into a glass oven-safe baking dish or pan and sprinkle it with water.

Sprinkle it with water to cook and soften the wax and work it in with your spatula. Continue 'kneading' the wax adding very little water until it becomes soft and supple. Use your spatula not your hands because it is really hot!

Voila! You have got yourself an all-natural body and facial wax which is gentle enough for sensitive skin and strong enough for tough to remove body hair. You apply this wax in the opposite direction of hair growth and pull down. You can use this wax with or without strips, you can find methods for sugar waxing on youtube. Enjoy!

Fossil Rim Wildlife Park

Today I woke up early, cooked, offered, worshiped my Lordships, had a quick pancake breakfast, packed a picnic lunch, some supplies and left early in the morning toward Glen Rose, Texas listening to kirtan the entire way. It's been my desire to visit this lovely town again for a couple years, mainly for the riverbed fossil digs and it's awesome wildlife park-- Fossil Rim. It's been many years since I went there but I still vividly remember the lovely nature walk, feeding wild animals in close proximity and the sheer adventure of not knowing what you'd dig up next. Picnics, walks through the state park, wading in the river. ::sigh::
 Krishna Chandra is totally in love with the place, I'm even considering a membership. Chandaneswar is excited to visit Dinosaur Valley State Park; next time we plan on rising even earlier and heading straight to the dig and then hit up Fossil Rim after an outdoor picnic to feed the variety of horned creatures. I can wait to visit again! I have photographs of all the exotic, endangered and near-extinct species from all over the world but I'll upload those later.. when I'm feeling more inclined to deal with that. Right now, I need a relaxing shower, sringar, some Bengali padavali tunes and electrolytes because tomorrow is Ekadaśi and I absolutely must recover from today's wildlife excursion. And to wash some of that soft water off of me. : p 

Sringar

Today I'm working on completing a new dress I've been working on these past two days. Day one I did most of the cutting, day two, interfacing and stitching the bodice and today, hopefully I will finish it. I only have to stitch the skirt and pockets and voila! 

The other day, while searching for sweaters and scarves, I found a bunch of clothes and bangles I haven't seen since my trip to India. Yesterday, two friends dropped by to look at saris, while I was going through the collection, I realised how many gorgeous frickin' saris I have. All are cotton Bengali handloom, তাঁত সাড়ি and several are intricately hand-embroidered tangail,  টাঙ্গাইল; I also  found tons of silver jewelry, in Rajasthani style-- heavily detailed and bulky sitting around collecting dust in storage bins so today I've decided to indulge my vanity and play dress up as much as possible.  Last week I played around with a cone of henna, painting anyone who would let me, until finally it started to dry up and I exhausted myself trying to squeeze out the viable portions. I even decorated my own hands and feet, I only have photos of my feet, however. Usually I never post photos of my own feet on my blog, as I know there are devotees that frequent it for the occasional Krishna-conscious post but today I will simply beg forgiveness ahead of time and ask that you not scroll down to the bottom unless you specifically wish to see the cute peacock design on my ugly feet. :)

Though I really like henna and all mehendi designs, my favorite cosmetic is still alta, first and foremost. Maybe today I'll play around with designing artwork in alta. Using traditional Bengali or Hindu insignia like swastik, peacock, kalash, fish, butterfly, vedi etc. are my favorite motifs to use in decorating hands though I specifically avoid placing any auspicious or sacred paraphernalia drawings like vedi, kalash or swastik on the feet. I like the heart-shaped leaves and vines because they look like paan leaves, a very essential and iconic part of Bengali weddings. 

I think I did pretty well considering how I had to play contortionist just to get the right angles.