The Disciple's Vow

At times I feel overwhelmed, alone and afraid. I don't even recognize myself sometimes and I feel as if I've transformed into an entirely different person. I've learned that, like a marriage, it is impossible for one to truly know their spiritual partner. One could spend his or her entire life with someone and still have a shallow or incomplete understanding of that individual. A spiritual master may see only what representation the disciple portrays of him/herself. (The eternal spiritual master who resides in the heart, Sri Guru, however, is never fooled.)
Disciples frequently lack the maturity or complexity to understand the desire and wishes of the spiritual master. Likewise, it is daunting to understand the Self. While the pact between master and disciple is before God to each other, allegiance in spiritual life is also an allegiance to the Self. The disciple is obligated to act always in his spiritual best interest. By no exaggeration, it is the primary priority of the initiated disciple to remain chaste to her eternal spiritual identity and duty. Failure to do so would hamper all progress and lead her astray; in fact, such misgivings could turn her away from the spiritual path entirely if given to offenses and accumulated misconceptions.
I do not know my Self. I do not understand my Self. I've often succumbed to doubt, temptation, fear and, most of all, hesitation. I fear to act, speak, feel or think for fear that it may not be palatable to others. I fear that my actions could be misconstrued or condemned or deemed reckless. I've found few things that truly bring me joy-- music, martial arts, and dedicated study. I've found that often I learn more valuable lessons in pursuit of mundane knowledge than in a dry discourse. I've seen drug addicts, addicts of the flesh, gamblers and so-called lost souls with more humanity, compassion and wisdom to offer than even the most weathered practitioner in temple. I find their lessons most valuable, relevant and influential-- for they remind me that the Lord can lead anyone back Home just as easily as illusion can lead her astray.
O Keshava! I've seen You staring back at me in the pages of a book. I have seen the Lord-- He was hidden between scribbled notes on the page. The Lord was found in careful arithmetic and calculations, in the relaxed breath between poetic phrases, dancing amid notes on sheet music. He was intelligence, beauty, an exasperated sigh and fluent understanding breaching forth from the page. I felt the Divinity within myself, around me, encoded within the multiverse, and brimming forth unbounded! I felt alone in this realization as I feared no one else had this same vision and yet I felt swaddled, safe in the Divine Feminine's arms.
Of all my identities, I found that the one I treasure, protect and keep hidden is the one that I should nurture and cultivate. She is locked away in a tower, accessible only with great effort. She is appalled and frustrated and distrustful of the outside world. She lives in her own imagination, in a fantastic faery-tale realm with ivory towers that offer her fortification from the grotesque. She is alone and peaceful, and yet restless and yearning for escape. She remains chaste, loyal and faithful to her spiritual master and awaits patiently his orders and instructions!

Well-Oiled Machine

Sri Gopi Nath Giri Dhari

Sri Lakshmi

Today Chitravasini and I had errands and shopping to do early in the morning so I didn't get to worship My Lordships this morning. Fortunately, I knew that today was going to be busy so I prepared the lunch menu and got most of the preliminary stuff out of the way. I didn't get home until almost 2pm, but as I don't have a fixed schedule for Their worship and so on, I figured I could run errands and do the puja later. After their abhishek and srngar, I offered Them something to eat and I was surprised to see that I completed my full routine in under an hour! I love it when the everything runs smoothly like a well-oiled machine!

Sri Sri Lakshmi Narasimha Deva

Sri Madan Gopal Ji

I have been struggling the past few weeks to get any new ideas for Deity outfits. The last time I made Their Lordships a new outfit was probably around a festival. I really want to make more time for Them and use some of the new brocade fabric that is sitting around idly. I hope I can get more time, but as it stands, I hardly get enough time for myself. Most of my time is consumed my school, puja, and practicing. I hope Lord Balaram empowers me and Lord Krishna accepts my offerings. Today my jasmine didn't give many flowers and I think this is because it's going out of season soon. I'm really upset because on top of this, my gardenia has passed away. I figured I could revive her but after weeks of struggling with her, I finally put her to rest. I uprooted her from the soil and I saw her root system was not very strong. This is unfortunate; I'm really depressed but hopefully I get more flowers and shrubs this weekend! Chandaneswar prabhu hired a landscaper to plant new gardenia shrubs for me!

nityanandam aham naumi sarvananda karam param
harinam pradam devam avadhuta shiromani 

namo maha vandanyaya krishna prema pradayate
krishnaya krishna-chaitanya namne gaura tvishe namah

Jay Gopeswar Mahadev!

Summer Road Trip I

We spent the day packing and planning our early start on Friday evening. We had a flight at 6:35 am and needed to get moving.
We woke up early at 3:30, showered, dressed and collected our luggage and waited for our ride. Julian showed up right at 4am, we got our things together and chatted for a few minutes before we took off. We arrived at the airport right on time but our flight was late. If you've been living under a rock, it's flooding down in Texas. The Trinity river is bursting at the banks. The stormed off and on in Dallas for several days, and so our flight didn't board until 8:30. We arrived in LAX at 10, that's 12pm Dallas time.
We were exhausted and starving to death so our friend Lokajit took us to a Buddhist temple that serves vegetarian food. Hsi Lai Temple is stunningly beautiful with traditional Chinese classes and cultural programs, two large shrines fitted with kneeling benches, and surrounded by thousands of smaller Buddha murtis covering every inch of the walls. When looking around it appears that thousands of eyes and looking at you, but not in a judgmental or scrutinizing way, but in an open and loving mood of acceptance and love. After our meal, we headed off toward Grand Canyon. We left later than we had planned so we would arrive much later at Grand Canyon to explore. Thankfully, we found lodging for the night, and we turned in after our exhausting day.
The next morning we woke up early and headed to the park to walk around the trails. I can not describe the stunning beauty of Grand Canyon because it is indescribable. I will not even attempt to describe the breathtaking views of Grand Canyon National Park because I really think my word will fall short. Please, just go and see for yourself! I encourage everyone to travel there if possible. There are several lodging options depending on your lifestyle preferences and taste from onsite camping grounds to resort hotels near the grounds. If you are a devotee of Mother Nature and Her wonders, I promise you that you'll be thoroughly impressed and in awe. The night sky is equally memorable as the deep canyons and temples. After a few hours of exploring the area, we headed off to Sedona where we searched for a vegan restaurant.
The drive from Grand Canyon to Sedona was amazing because every turn on the scenic highways was filled with views more awesome than the last. When we arrived in Sedona we went quickly to get lunch at a place called ChocolaTree. It was filled with hippy, new-age clothes, gems, candles, incense and all kinds of knickknacks. I wasn't sure what to think of the man in a beautiful bright blue dress that contrasted well with the deep red rock butte backdrop of Sedona. He had great style though, so I envied his taste and boldness. After lunch, we drove around the Coconino National Forest and took more pictures as we made our way down to Phoenix. I wish I could say more about Phoenix, but it was uneventful and made no impression on me besides being very hot and dry. We stopped at ISKCON of Phoenix but we didn't get darshan of Radha Madhava Hari because Their Lordships were still sleeping. We decided instead not to stay and visit friends but drive straight back to California.
We essentially drove a clockwise route from Los Angeles to Grand Canyon to Sedona to Phoenix and back to San Diego. Monday we look a load off and rested during the day. In the late afternoon we visited Hotel Del Coronado and strolled Coronado Beach. We are going to visit the USS Midway today with our host family and friends. I'm excited because my son and I are both WWII fans and amateur American history buffs. There is a film about the Battle of Midway that I'm particularly looking forward to. I will upload more images soon.

Ronald Reagan

When I Answered “Ronald Reagan”
Melissa Cruz

I
I guess you would not understand
If I were to tell you plainly, I was dreaming,
Daydreaming, imagining, fantasizing
When I answered “Ronald Reagan”
I can tell you here without import,
Without repercussion knowing
It is never going to happen.

II
I wandered over beside your cheek
And inhaled the scent of your breath,
Hair and the wafting echo of your sensuous desire.
I could not possibly tell you this in class.
Certainly not or it would have been my ass.
Did you sense my caressing touch upon your neck
Meandering down across your torso
Absorbing every detail of your flesh
As I gazed deeply into your eyes?
I told myself I had to stop.

III
While I rushed through your dumb questions,
I delved into another fantasy propounding
All the inner secrets of your loving, tender, soft embrace.
I could not tell you this in class….
I gazed over at your desk as you checked on all the rest
And imagined; I could kiss and bite your tempting flesh
While you made every single effort to withstand
My increasingly aggressive, mounting, erotic wander.
Oh! But you would not glance over at me,
For if you had, you would have seen
The visage of a hungering, thirsting, insatiable beast
Craving every drop, every bite, every delicious taste of you.

IV
I imagine you would have resisted
Had I grabbed and fed upon you as I wished it.
And if you did, I would have told you
“Resistance is futile, weak fool!”
Certainly, I could not tell you this in class.
Well I could, but your ass’d be grass.
Oh! But how I wish I had.
For if I had, you would lose sleep, tormented,
Unable to imagine the depths to which I dived
Within the short span of a stupid quiz.
Don’t you wish you had not asked?
With every utterance, I gain strength and become more daring.
Surely, you must agree it is a small miracle
I answered only one question wrong.

V
Now you know how much I want you,
And long to feel, and taste, and be with you.
Now I have admitted all my secret thoughts,
And grown accustomed to the throbbing,
Crushing, overwhelming sexual hunger.
Now I have cleared the air and my lusty mind.
Now I have released my intense yearning
Into the vast cosmic manifestation.
Having no other purpose,
This poem has accomplished
The inconceivable, insurmountable, volatile task
Of explaining what the fuck I was thinking
When I answered “Ronald Reagan”

Mesmerized

I dreamt another mesmerizing, lucid dream about you. The tenderest, loving-est, sweetest dream of you. I felt your delicious and tender kisses upon my breast and sensed the urgent longing within yours. I couldn't look away from you. I gazed deeply into your eyes, and though it was but a fleeting moment, I felt that we traversed the entire cosmos with our gaze. I couldn't wake up again. I knew the hour was late and I felt like prolonging our rendezvous. It was too late, however. I woke up to the smell of freshly brewed ginger tea and knew it was time to rise. Once again, I felt your delicious and tender kisses upon me, but not from you.

Tritiya-Kumbha Rasi

Today is astrologically significant  because the Sun enters Aquarius and it is tritiya tithi, meaning it is the third day of the new or full moon. Tritiya is a good day to do your beauty treatments or tonsuring, so you you are in need or a trim or manicure, today would be a good day to ensure your hair and nails will grow in stronger. I wanted to decorate my hands or feet with alta today but since it is really rainy and cold over here, I decided to wait until next tritiya. It should be pretty warm by then so I can really go nuts. I oiled and braided my hair with hair decorations and was even considering putting it up into a crown. However, humidity usually makes my hair look frizzy and unkempt so I'll leave it alone. I really need get my feet pedicured in preparation for spring. I've been really neglecting my skin and nails lately because I'm too busy with school and assignments. 

On that note, I'd like to say I am doing pretty good in my classes with 'A's and a high 'B', I'm going to refrain from beating myself up over that 'B' and instead reward my hard work with a relaxing spa day. :)

Homemade Sugar Wax

This homemade wax is a thrifty way to to look your best without the harsh chemicals, hot waxes and mess!
Let me tell you how to make it quickly and easily in your own home with few ingredients in ten minutes. 

First: You need a cup of sugar, two tablespoons of water and two tablespoons of lemon or lime juice.
Bring your ingredients to a rolling boil on high heat for two minutes. 

Your mixture will have a lot of froth and will look like this. Reduce the heat to medium and cook it for another two minutes.

After four minutes on medium heat it will look like this. At this time reduce the heat to low .

Seven minutes on low heat. Thick, syrup-like consistency with a warm amber color. Keep cooking it for another three minutes.

At ten minutes on low heat it will start to look and smell like caramel. Shut off the heat and turn your sugar wax into a glass oven-safe baking dish or pan and sprinkle it with water.

Sprinkle it with water to cook and soften the wax and work it in with your spatula. Continue 'kneading' the wax adding very little water until it becomes soft and supple. Use your spatula not your hands because it is really hot!

Voila! You have got yourself an all-natural body and facial wax which is gentle enough for sensitive skin and strong enough for tough to remove body hair. You apply this wax in the opposite direction of hair growth and pull down. You can use this wax with or without strips, you can find methods for sugar waxing on youtube. Enjoy!

Fossil Rim Wildlife Park

Today I woke up early, cooked, offered, worshiped my Lordships, had a quick pancake breakfast, packed a picnic lunch, some supplies and left early in the morning toward Glen Rose, Texas listening to kirtan the entire way. It's been my desire to visit this lovely town again for a couple years, mainly for the riverbed fossil digs and it's awesome wildlife park-- Fossil Rim. It's been many years since I went there but I still vividly remember the lovely nature walk, feeding wild animals in close proximity and the sheer adventure of not knowing what you'd dig up next. Picnics, walks through the state park, wading in the river. ::sigh::
 Krishna Chandra is totally in love with the place, I'm even considering a membership. Chandaneswar is excited to visit Dinosaur Valley State Park; next time we plan on rising even earlier and heading straight to the dig and then hit up Fossil Rim after an outdoor picnic to feed the variety of horned creatures. I can wait to visit again! I have photographs of all the exotic, endangered and near-extinct species from all over the world but I'll upload those later.. when I'm feeling more inclined to deal with that. Right now, I need a relaxing shower, sringar, some Bengali padavali tunes and electrolytes because tomorrow is Ekadaśi and I absolutely must recover from today's wildlife excursion. And to wash some of that soft water off of me. : p 

Summer Break

These past couple of weeks have been hectic but enjoyable. Krishna Chandra is out of school and summer break is officially here. We had plans to visit New Orleans Temple and Murari Sevak Farm but it seems plans are changing every minute. There is talk of North Carolina and the pristine beaches therein, I might not even come back if the conditions are favorable! :)

Kefir is an unusual thing around here, not a lot of people know about it except for foreigners and health-conscious folk. The only available kefir here is kind of expensive, going about four dollars a quart at places like Whole Foods, never in my life did I imagine that kefir was simple to make at home, without any special methods or tools necessary. Last week a friend of the family very generously gave me some of his kefir grains and so I started making my own at home. I don't need anything except for glass or plastic utensils, most of which I already have-- we cook a lot! I've made several batches but I threw the first couple batches out. It takes a while for the grains to adjust so the kefir isn't exactly at its best quality though still drinkable. I tasted the first few batches and it was way too strong for me so I poured it outside. The last  few batches are getting better and better, eventually I'll have my ratios down and my health will be in a better place. Practice makes perfect!

This past week we were blessed with the association of great Vaishnavas-- Srila Giriraj Swami, Srila Rtadhvaja Swami and Srila BV Madhava Swami came through here one after another. It was like waves of nectar inundated the environment; one after another nectar waves crashed upon the shore leaving wonderfully beautiful memories behind! I had a break-through during one of Madhava prabhu's kirtans, I finally got a tiny, itty-bitty taste of the Holy Name and now I have a desire to explore the Holy Name more sincerely. 

An urgency has been aroused in me that I can not control; it's as if I have a hunger or craving for something delicious but unlike material indulgences, this deliciousness is ever-increasing and good for the soul. Please Krishna help me find the way to ruchi, bhava, and finally prema. Dear wish-fulfilling Vaishnavas, please bless and pray for this wretched soul that she may find her way to her desired goal! Oh dearest Bhakti-pradayini Devi! Srimati Vrinda Devi, please help me, I have no other shelter but You! You are the Goddess of my heart, the Mistress of my very life, please instruct me and guide me toward prema bhakti.

[sigh]

Nature Trail

Krishna Chandra's eyes are better but he got sick over the weekend with a cough and fever. Something reassuring: Krishna Chandra's doctor advised us to use duct tape on his wart. Apparently the wart will not be able to breathe and slowly shrink away. Duct tape fixes everything. I kept him home yesterday so he could rest up and recover. I stayed up all night with him because he had a fever, exhausted and weakened from sleep deprivation, I finally broke down and got sick myself. I went to the doctor first thing in the morning yesterday and he said I had strep throat. Oh happy day! Luckily, I caught it really early. I'm very sensitive and aware of my body so I knew something was wrong that night, I gargled with peroxide but I think that only made the streptococcus angry. I forget the full name, don't ask me. I'm taking my antibiotic course carefully so I can get over this bug as quickly as humanly possible. We went for a brisk walk this morning and it was nice, we didn't jog but that's fine, I don't want to stress my body these next few days. I couldn't go out yesterday but at least I got plenty of sleep. I saw a dead lizard on the trail this morning, it's  gross but it's a valid memory nonetheless. I saw a gorgeous blue jay, a cottontail rabbit and another red bird, it might have been a woodpecker but I'm not sure, his head was red but he was too far away for me to get a good look at his body or any patterns. I should probably invest in a good pair of binoculars. It would be especially useful when I'm in India since I love spying on the neighbors. It helps that we have a second-story roof and balcony where I can chill out with a bowl of mangoes and watch all the commotion. The other night (same night KC had a fever and I had the tingling, itchy throat sensation) someone got pulled over in front of my house and I nearly ripped the blinds from their holder trying to see what the hell was going on over there. Some dude, two cops, no arrests. Blah. Boring. I found out my neighbor waters his lawn at night, I wonder if that's why his lawn looks so great? I've been watching a very interesting television series called The Colony and I can't stop but it's alright because Chandaneswar is sleeping, the chores are done, Krishna Chandra is in school and I managed to clean the whole house, well, most of it. Krishna Chandra's room still needs some spring cleaning and re-arranging but that can wait until next week. It's not urgent. I'm planning to move the formal couch into my room and put the sofa-bed in his room so he can nap in there during the afternoons and whatnot, host his little friends and watch movies.. I can't wait until summer, I'm gonna bust outta here as soon as I can. God, Dallas drives me nuts.

Obsessed, Again.

Alright, so it occurred to me that perhaps, with the weather being all schizophrenic and all, I should crochet some socks and scarves etc. and be prepared for the winter-apocalypse so bound to happen in the somewhat near not-so-distant future....

I hit up the old pattern search on Ravelry but had a hard time finding a crocheted sock pattern. Except for one pattern in Tunisian stitch, everything turned up with knitting patterns. Why socks? Why not just Afghan up some scarvey-mothers? Scarves, scarf, scarf-y? Not sure how to spell that word. Sorry. Okay, as you have probably noticed by now, I get a little carried away. I am a little mad but resourceful as well... just add a hint of obsession and you can begin to understand the inner workings of my mind. So, instead of crocheting anything at all, which is ridiculous because I have at least three perfectly good patterns that I'd like to start up as projects soon, I decided to teach myself how to knit. Why? Why am I telling you all this crap? Because, I found my sister's knitting needles in a craft box and took it as a sign. The universe wants me to knit, people. Plus I have the right yarn for them, they're threes. Okay, I know what you're thinking, I have to be insane to teach myself to knit on 3.25mms. Hah! You're right but I'll be knitting up some woolen socks with double-points in no time. Until then, I have to practice my purl stitch and work on my tension but I'm making a joke of a scarf in the meantime. My advice to you folks is that you do the same, learn how to crochet and knit because if you hadn't already noticed, Mother Earth is bent on demolishing our so-called civilization and building a pretty winter wonderland amusement park on top of it. You should be prepared.

Also, I drank coffee yesterday, caffeinated coffee.... it wasn't pleasant. I think I took too much and it made me all jittery and such. Speaking of jittery, the other day I heard a loud noise and it shook me to the core, really. I thought I was going to have a heart-attack.

I'm still in the process of getting rid of my old stuff, I'm going to start with my old saris, sewing machine and anything else that I have an abundance of. Obsession or insanity, anyone?? I don't think they'll allow me to post that up on the temple bulletin-board. Still, it wouldn't hurt to try.

I'm really happy with my Deities, the altar is pretty simple but clean and tidy. We bought cute little German silver cups for Them in India along with a ton of crowns and outfits. While cleaning out my old craft boxes and storage containers, I found a big bag of assorted tilak. I thought I ran out of Radha Kund tilak but in fact it was not so. Plus, there's tons of brahmana thread, crochet thread, trims, fabrics, Velcro, hooks and eyes, fasteners, ribbon, lace, etc that need to be engaged in devotional service or thrown out forever. I have too much stuff.

Close to the Heart

My dearest friends and readers,

Please know that I'm going through a mild to extreme transformation right now. I may or may not be able to update you from time to time. Sometimes I may even become so intense in my posts that it could possibly overwhelm or even scare you away. Please don't leave, bare with me, keep me company and fuel my flame. It IS contagious, so beware. :P With tons of love, Hare Krishna.

Bad News, Good News

Well, I'll start off by saying that I have some bad news for you guys. I might not be blogging as often as I would like these days but its because I've been preoccupied. The minivan was fixed, we decided against purchasing a new vehicle right now as it is not in our budget. No new car... but its okay because the good news is, I will probably be blogging from a distant location for a few months. My plan is to move to India for a while... about six months... where I will study sewing, music and possibly dance. My niece is a dancer, she says she's willing to take me on as a student. :D
My original plan was to sit around and read all damn day but I realised that I would probably be boring to my in-laws unless I turned up the charm full volume. My next plan was to sit around all damn day chanting Hare Krishna and reading, heh. My husband then told me that in our village of Belpukur we have quite a few talented mrdanga, flute and harmonium players. So it is decided... I will study any or all of these, plus sewing, dance, reading Bengali, and hopefully when I return my Bengali will be fluent. I've been really lazy lately, since my godbrothers left I've had nobody to talk to so I completely stopped practicing my Bengali. It is rather depressing, actually. Krishna Chandra is going to have to learn Bengali as well because only three of his cousins speak fluent English. I'm hoping he will have a lot of fun meeting all of his cousin-brothers and sisters in India, he has so many places to run free and play with the animals. He really loves all kinds of animals.
Today when we went to the lake, Chandaneswar prabhu wanted to throw out some maha-prasad to the birds, ducks and turtles but Krishna Chandra objected, "I don't like the birds, I don't want to feed them, they are going to attack me!" so Chandaneswar prabhu carefully spoke to him, "But the birds are so hungry, they are waiting for you to come and feed them.. they are crying for food." and Krishna Chandra quickly relented, "Oh no! Really? Okay. The birds are so hungry, we must feed them!" He usually responds well to humility and soft-spoken words, you can never order him into something by force. My husband and I were discussing how easily he is melted by emotions, if you appeal to his natural compassion, generosity and sympathy, he will do anything.
In the afternoon, I was going to throw out the leftover rice for the birds and insects when I met with a small kitten on the way. She tried her best to cry out but her voice was parched and so I couldn't hear a sound. Realising she was probably dehydrated, I emptied the pot of rice onto the ground for her and she approached me very reassured and confident that I was her well-wisher. She was very affectionate and appreciative, she made direct eye-contact with me and would rub her head on my hands. When I remembered that Krishna Chandra has been on a kitten binge the past several days, I called him to the window to take a peek at her. Upon seeing the kitten, he flew into a frenzy, "Mommy, I have to touch the kitten, I have to! I have to feed the kitten, can I give her water, can I? Can I, mommy? Can I feed the kitten?" I went in to fetch some water for her and let him out of the house but warned him to be super-duper careful and quiet not to frighten her away. He agreed and proceeded with caution, but still the kitten turned tail and ran under the house as soon as she spotted him. Krishna Chandra was so heartbroken, he tried in vain to lure her back out of the house to the water bowl but she just wouldn't come.