Gouranga Duti Pada

Today I woke up late at 5am. Our hope was that I would get the boys up early enough to make it to the early morning service (mangala-arati) but I figured it wouldn't happen so I prepared for my home altar service. The boys got up relatively early for a weekend (and spring break at that) and they helped out a lot with the services. Since today is a Gouranga Mahaprabhu's appearance day, we planned a large festival and worship for Gouranga. I sewed a new outfit for Giriraj Lal, a turban, two dhotis and chadars for Gour-Nitai. I thought the turban would take more time and I wasn't sure if I would be able to finish it. Kanai volunteered to make garlands, he designed a garland for Giriraj that was adorable.
We took a breaks for breakfast and lunch but the entire day was full of preparations for the festival. I managed to finish the outfits before it was time to go to the temple celebrations. I changed Nitai into his new outfit and quickly showered and changed before we left to Radha Kalachandji's temple. When we got there, I immediately couldn't stand it. The place was already packed and the festival was just getting started. I wore my new yellow silk sari with this gorgeous embroidery work. I think it's my new favorite sari. After the temple's bathing ceremony, it was time for us to get home and do our home deity's bathing ceremony. We did a bathing ceremony, worship ceremony and I got to lead the Gour arati prayers. We were supposed to go back to temple for the procession around the block but the boys and I were hungry and exhausted so we decided to go back home and eat. Dinner was fantastic. I was full so I decided to lie down for a bit and check Facebook. Maria and I took some cute photos today but she's really good at taking photographs.
I wanted to shared a prayer in glorification of Lord Gouranga's two lotus feet:

The Lotus Feet of Gouranga are my life and soul.

They shelter and protect me from the onslaught of material suffering.

The Lotus Feet of Gouranga are my only refuge.

They are like an oasis in the burning, desert-like material existence

My Lord Gouranga has come with the gift of Divine Love of God

He freely distributes it to whomever asks for it

Regardless of whether one is qualified or not.

My Sweet Lord Gouranga has shown the path back to Godhead

By personally taking up the process of chanting the Holy Name.

May that Holy Name bring upon Divine Love in my heart!

May that Holy Name purify my existence!

May that Holy Name always dance upon my tongue!

The Lotus Feet of Gouranga are my treasure, my soul, my greatest solace! 

Well-Oiled Machine

Sri Gopi Nath Giri Dhari

Sri Lakshmi

Today Chitravasini and I had errands and shopping to do early in the morning so I didn't get to worship My Lordships this morning. Fortunately, I knew that today was going to be busy so I prepared the lunch menu and got most of the preliminary stuff out of the way. I didn't get home until almost 2pm, but as I don't have a fixed schedule for Their worship and so on, I figured I could run errands and do the puja later. After their abhishek and srngar, I offered Them something to eat and I was surprised to see that I completed my full routine in under an hour! I love it when the everything runs smoothly like a well-oiled machine!

Sri Sri Lakshmi Narasimha Deva

Sri Madan Gopal Ji

I have been struggling the past few weeks to get any new ideas for Deity outfits. The last time I made Their Lordships a new outfit was probably around a festival. I really want to make more time for Them and use some of the new brocade fabric that is sitting around idly. I hope I can get more time, but as it stands, I hardly get enough time for myself. Most of my time is consumed my school, puja, and practicing. I hope Lord Balaram empowers me and Lord Krishna accepts my offerings. Today my jasmine didn't give many flowers and I think this is because it's going out of season soon. I'm really upset because on top of this, my gardenia has passed away. I figured I could revive her but after weeks of struggling with her, I finally put her to rest. I uprooted her from the soil and I saw her root system was not very strong. This is unfortunate; I'm really depressed but hopefully I get more flowers and shrubs this weekend! Chandaneswar prabhu hired a landscaper to plant new gardenia shrubs for me!

nityanandam aham naumi sarvananda karam param
harinam pradam devam avadhuta shiromani 

namo maha vandanyaya krishna prema pradayate
krishnaya krishna-chaitanya namne gaura tvishe namah

Jay Gopeswar Mahadev!

Finding Heart

Sri Sri Guru-Gauranga Jayatah!

Dandavat pranam. Jay Srila Prabhupad!

I hope this letter finds you in good health and sound mind.

Lately I feel like I have fallen slack in my devotional service and spiritual practice. Truly, I normally ignore my exhaustion and try my best to re-commit myself each morning, each moment of every day. Over a decade ago, HH Rtadhvaja Swami advised me that the best strategy was to take Krishna Consciousness a day at a time. I realized immediately that if I thought about the long-term goal, at some point, the goal might seem unattainable. For my fickle and immature mind, it would be easier to endeavor only in baby steps. Everyday I followed those wise instructions and maintained my vows to the best of my ability. I endeavored patiently, slowly chiseling away at a lifelong vow of loyalty to Krishna, Guru, and Gauranga in hopes of attaining the highest goal-- prema-bhakti. 

I loved my god-siblings, served them, followed their wisdom, asked their advice and so on. At times, I felt pressured to accept first initiation but I resisted the temptation to rush such an important commitment until I was certain. After years of contemplating, I accepted first initiation in the company of sweet vaishnavs and celebrated my spiritual birth. I remember that day clearly. I tearfully circumambulated the sacrificial fire in ecstasy knowing I had found spiritual shelter. That was seven years ago this Balaram Purnima. Over these past seven years, I have realized that I am a fraud. I have lost sight of my eternal self, service, name, identity, and mood. I followed the rules and regulations with unyielding zeal. I only cared about following protocol. I learned to sit properly, dress properly, behave properly, speak properly, and think properly but I did not learn to love properly. I did not love anyone or anything properly. I did not even love myself properly because I was too busy contorting myself to fit into a box properly. More recently, I found a sanga where I feel accepted, welcomed, and loved. I found a wonderful place where I do not have to contort myself to fit in. I found vaishnavs with kindness and acceptance at the core of their hearts, with warmth and affection I did not find at temple. One day, as I was reciting my pranams to the acharya sampraday and my ishtha-devatas, I realized I was never going to fit in. Indeed, it is impossible to push a square cog into a round hole. As I slowly uttered, “ananta koti vaishnava vrinda ki” I felt hollow inside and realized though I may offer my prostrate obeisance to hundreds, thousands, even millions of vaishnavs, I will never quite be up to par. I will never be counted among them. What's more, I do not want to fit in. I know I will never be good enough. No matter how hard I contort, distort, repress and suppress myself, I will never feel good enough. I want to be myself and be accepted. I want to feel loved. I do not want to be part of a society where I feel pressured to fake it and go through the motions. I do not want to be part of a community in which appearances means more than sincerity and intention. I do not want to be part of a society wherein one is reprimanded for speaking frankly and honestly and gloried for being delusional and duplicitous. I ask myself if there is something wrong with me for feeling this way but each time I do so, I hear a resounding and overwhelming, "No!" 

I want a heart because I lost mine somewhere along the way. 

Apnar kinkar

Purging Fear

Many things happened since my last blog post.
Two weeks ago, a drunk driver rear ended our minivan. He crashed into a pole and ended up in my neighbors yard. Thankfully, nobody was hurt by the drunk driver but Krishna Chandra was bit by our neighbor's dog Champ.
He is still slightly traumatized and I'm anxious of large white vans and dogs, but I learned a few things:

1. Young children are incredibly resilient to trauma, both mentally and physically.
2. You will never quite know the nature of someone's character until they're in danger.
3. Even the slightest threat of danger is enough to trigger a person's trauma.
4. Lord Gauranga and Lord Nityananda's Holy Names are more powerful than we can possibly conceive. It can protect you from all downfall. Nityananda! Gauranga!
5. Calmly chanting through pain is impressive to bystanders, even EMTs and firefighters.
Krishna Chandra and I both did this and, though our experiences were starkly different traumas, I swear the look we got from everyone was nothing short of awe.
6. Strangers and unfamiliar situations are met with abject hostility and suspicion until I am myself again. I can only characterize this mindset as instinctual protectiveness and mild paranoia.

Until I am myself again, I pray at the feet of the Lord:

ashok abhoy amritadhar, tomar charandwoy

tahate ekhon bishram lobhiya, charinu bhaver bhoy

The nectar from Your lotus feet is ambrosia that grants freedom from fear and anxiety.
Now I've found solace at Your feet, I've cast out all fears.

Catching Up

My Christmas and holiday break has been pretty good so far. My relatives visited throughout Christmas and my nephew slept over. I spent a lot more time practing violin and sewing holiday projects. Recently a got a job for two bead bags and two book bags for two devotee brothers. Unfortunately, Krishna Chandra got really sick, I lost a lot of sleep, and was delayed for two days. Today I finally caught a break and managed a couple hours of productive sewing sessions. I forgot to photograph the Japa mala bags, one of which is linen. It looks incredibly stylish and so chic, I'm thinking about making a linen mala bag for myself and Chandaneśwar prabhu. I still have another request for another devotee; he wants drawstring bags, and a bead bag as well. I am also stitching up a quickie quilt for a relative, and eventually I hope to get around to some dresses, blouses, and skirts for myself. Above all else, I meditate on outfits for my lordships. I have plenty of material; I just need patience, determination, and enthusiasm. 😊
This morning I had the pleasure of accompanying Prajapati prabhu; we performed Away In A Manger and What Child Is This during the church service. I met some lovely congregation members, enjoyed the pastor's sermon, and was delighted that everyone enjoyed our musical offering. Juanita has a favorite hymn that I'd like to play for her pleasure. Hopefully we can do it soon.

Jay Sri Sri Guru Gouranga!

The Jammin' Professor

Final exams are coming up; I am excited because I have prepared myself ahead of time. I still want to review some stuff for algebra. My jury is on the sixth, which means I have to practice, and focus more on violin. Unfortunately, I concentrate on academics more than music these days. I need to find the right balance.

A vacation is the most exciting prospect for me this winter. I cannot decide where I would like to go, but I know India probably is not feasible. I need to get some rest as soon as possible. I might take a week off with friends just to relax a bit and enjoy myself. I cannot wait until I have something to relay back to friends and family. I have plans to use a new sewing machine I recently inherited this winter, if nothing else. I have not really done any sewing with it, but I am anxious to get to it. Among my priority sewing projects are outfits for deities. I would like to sew a set each for smaller Gaura-Nitai and larger Jagannath Baladev Subhadra deities.

Today I got a compliment back from a peer who said I was always having adventures, and had something interesting to say. I like that. I like having adventures. Adventure suits me. I get into funny, awkward, or just strange situations sometimes. While normally these things might bother me, nowadays I just roll with the punches, go with the flow, and laugh at myself when necessary. Everything is funny when you take your head out of your ass and laugh.

I had a silly dream last night involving my English professor. I was in a frenzy to speak privately with her, but it just was not a good time for her. She told me several times, "Madri, this isn't a good time for me. Can you come during office hours? Make an appointment." and so on. I would not have it though. I demanded "me" time urgently. I followed her into her next class, she sat down, and the professor (not her) started up his boom box, with a personally mixed tape of Mariachi, Banda, and Norteno music. Apparently my professor was taking a course at the college for fun, with this quirky guy at the wheel. The professor was a very tall, handsome, older black man. He was wearing a funny blazer with elbow patches that he promptly removed. He pulled out his drum pad and drumsticks, and started to jam out with the Mexican music while singing along. It was so captivating that I forgot about my urgent ordeal, and listened dumbfounded to the hysterical professor.

Offensive Woman

Last night I had a funny dream about an offensive woman who wanted to kidnap my Gour-Nitai by force, because I refused to trade Them with her like common currency. Initially, she introduced herself briefly as a friend of an acquaintance during a large festival in my community.

It was the first time we celebrated this particular festival in our community, so we publicized it largely in magazines, television advertisements, radio commercials, and so on. Consequentially, many people turned up, even devotees from other regions and countries. I personally set up a large tent, or pandal, on my landlord's empty plot of land. We decorated it with beautiful, fragrant flower garlands, banana trees, mango leaves, and fumigated it with aromatic, purifying herbs, cowdung, and incense. Inside the pandal, I drew an auspicious mandala of bright white alpona, atop which I installed a simple throne for Their Lordships, Sri Avadhuta Shiromani and Sri Mayapur Chandra. Dressed, ornamented, and adored, Their Lordships stood majestically on Their throne when suddenly the lone troublemaker appeared.
Before she could open her mouth, I already anticipated that she wanted me to give her something for nothing. Their Lordships laughed and teased me, repeatedly asking, "She wants something, will you give it to her? Will you give her whatever she asks? Such is the character of brahmins and sadhus; they give up even their most coveted treasure!" I grew irate with Gour Nitai and wondered why They were interacting with me in this way. They very rarely speak to me, even after constantly badgering Them, what to speak of dialogue and banter.
"Hare Krishna, Mataji. You don't know me but I'm friends with so-and-so." she said.
"So what?" I thought, "everyone knows each other around here, it won't earn you any favor."
"Our friend told me you have very large, beautiful deities, and she told me where you lived. I want to do parikrama during the festival with Gour Nitai. My deities are too small, though, and I want some big ones that way everyone can see. I'll trade you my little Gour Nitai for your big ones. You see, I'm doing pilgrimage so you should help me out, or I'll just take Them anyway."
She spoke with such audacity, as if she would get her way without any trouble at all. Assumptions do a great many things, and among those things, arousing my anger is really dangerous. I was more infuriated with her attitude about Their Lordships. She spoke as if they were some cheap commodity to be traded or borrowed like the neighbor's garden trowel.
"How dare you, you filthy whore! Who the hell do you think you are? You strut in here, like a dog in heat, peddling your wares like you own the damn place, and demand my Deities? I wouldn't dream of it! Do you think They are toys? Clothes? Huh? Or a knapsack you can throw away when you get tired of it? They are not your soiled undergarments, you two-legged beast! You don't deserve the arca-vigraha presence of the Lord, damned aparadhi! You should give up your Gour-Nitai to me before you make more offenses!"
I shouted all kinds of obscenities at her in English, Bengali, and Spanish, until I was red in the face and my rage was satiated. Meanwhile, the two munificent brothers, Gouranga and Nityananda, laughed, rolled on the ground, cried tears in hysteria, and spoke sarcastically, "That's a good one! I never heard that one before, Devi. Some virtuous saint you are indeed!"
I have the feeling that Their Lordships arranged the encounter with that filthy dog, disguised in Vaishnava attire, in order to pique my rage and wrath. Otherwise, rarely do we encounter these types of personalities, full of pride and offensive ideas.

Sri Belpukhuriya Meditations

Sri Belpukuriya Meditations

As I sprint to the sacred banyan tree, I catch the sweet sounds of cymbals singing out in the misty, morning air. The whole of Belpukur is rejoicing, it is the last day of our spring festival. The final procession of pilgrims will make their journey through our village and I will be the only American around for miles. I'll have my oasis all to myself but I want everyone to appreciate this celestial abode. The residents call us sadhus, sages, because we follow the strict Vaishnava discipline but a real sage is one who lives permanently in a holy place, like Belpukur. Belpukur is a unique sacred site, intoxicatingly beautiful and my second home.

Sri Madan Gopal

Belpukur is unique and special among holy places. In the scriptures it is said to be supreme. This is where Mother Sachi was born and raised. In this very village, she worshipped her family deity named Sri Madan Gopal who is 1700 years old. I visit Sri Madan Gopal temple in the mild chill of morning. An old, slippery, mud path winds from my backyard, past straw huts and an orchard toward the temple lawn. I can hear a spinning wheel creaking and the loud cracks of a wooden handloom. I arrive in time to get a sprinkling of rose scented holy water. I bow down before Sri Madan Gopal, an enchanting cowherd with a garland of flowers strewn across his chest and a bamboo flute pressed to His lips. The priest gives me some pebbles of rock candy and bright marigolds, remnants from the ritual offering. I feel immensely satisfied when I visit the local temple. The place lights up with brightly colored banners, smiling pilgrims, and flower garland decorations during festivals. Belpukur is like heaven on earth.

Belpukur is an intoxicatingly beautiful tropical scene. The melodious symphony of song-birds reverberate and shatter the sky. An army of svelte bael trees tower above and defend us from sunshine in a battle as old as time. There is an abundance of swimming holes at every step and you can hear children diving into their depths with laughter. Belpukur is drenched in water most of the year. During the monsoon season, rain will pour like a river from the sky. Rice fields continue as far as the eye can see. The cows drift freely from one pasture to the next and kick up a cloud of dust in the late afternoon. The trees are infested with wild monkeys gathering ripe fruits. They smash wood apples on the ground and scoop out the delicious, creamy pulp. The scene is beautified by dancing bees and the fragrance of aromatic jasmine and hibiscus in the air. Sri Belpukuriya is the most bewitching place on Earth. 
Sri Belpukuriya is my home far away from home. I feel revived and nourished here. Everyone treats me like family or an acquaintance from countless lifetimes. The villagers are unpretentious and genuine which gives me a sense of belonging. In the lazy afternoon, we eat fresh, ripe fruit and bake in the sun together while listening to funny stories. The youth address me as their older sister and the elders affectionately call me their daughter-in-law. As the winter season comes to an end, the spring festivities commence with fervor. In the evening we all dress up and rush to the festival. There are savory snacks at every stall, hot and spicy potato samosas with tamarind sauce drizzled on top. A chai vendor makes the tastiest spiced milk with just a hint of saffron that tingles your nose. The clang of bells and gongs chase after the holy names of God and the air is dank with camphor, incense and flowers. Thousands of pilgrims chant and dance all night in a trance-like state. A fleeting moment inside the festival ground feels like an eternity. The strong social bonding and familial ties in Belpukur makes it my second home. 

I finally made it to the rendezvous point under the sacred banyan tree. The entire world was present under the shade of that enormous banyan and I searched the crowd for my dear friend, Prema Rupa. When I found her, I recounted my stay in Belpukur for the past six months and walked an eternity to my house. I showered her with the same loving hospitality that was shown to me and she rested on my verandah. Belpukur is indeed my favorite place in the world. It is my second home, enchantingly beautiful and a supremely celestial holy site.

My Heart

My heart is wicked, cruel and hard like a rock. Having repeatedly felt the hard blows of Maya and my own karma, I feel suspcious and distrustful of everyone. I am selfish, greedy, angry, and bitter because I am constantly defeated in material endeavors. I even wish ill on others because my heart is so black with envy.
There are, however, just a handful of special souls that I have come to trust, love, respect and with whom I share my heart. Srila Bhakti Ratna Sadhu Swami Maharaj is among those polished and glittering gems I have found through the mercy of Sri Guru in my journey of spiritual life. Maharaj is a loving and understanding spiritual master, who takes time out of his busy schedule to listen to my juvenile and selfish complaints. He expertly guides me out of frustration and into determination with gentleness and understanding. His gentle-heart has thoroughly melted and captured my heart. Though I am unmotivated and spiritually innert, He inspires me to strive harder, set higher goals, and remain ever-enthusiastic in devotion.  Srila Sadhu Maharaj always enchants us with beautiful pastimes and, even though I am not qualified to understand them, they bring joyful tears to my eyes! I am stone-hearted and can not be moved otherwise but somehow, when Maharaj narrates a beautiful pastime or describes the Dham, Nama, or Parshads of the Lord, I feel inexplicable joy.
I can only surmise that it is due to the unbounded mercy of Sri Guru Gauranga and Sri Nityananda Avadhuta, that I have come across such a gem of pure devotion and bliss. I have witnessed with my own heart the deep significance of Maharaj's name: 'Bhakti' because he remains constantly enraptured in devotional service, "Ratna" because he is fully polished in the art of devotion and shines like a gem above all others, and "Sadhu" because he supercedes all standards, being naturally gentle and cultured in his demeanor, he wins the heart of everyone.
Thank you for your countless blessings and good will, Maharaj. Certainly one day I shall develop a taste for chanting the Holy Names of the Lord and I am certain it will be due to my great fortune-- your loving association.

Sri Nitai Pada Kamala

Heartache

My heart aches. I'm so terrified it hurts and I don't even know of what I am afraid.

My entire life, I've contented myself with simply admiring the beauty of the ocean's shore. I endeavored to find the ocean in hopes of an escape but waded cautiously on large boulders rather than seal my fate. Now that I behold her infinite beauty, my fears I can't delay. Should I dive in fully and immerse myself or shivering run away?

More Realizations

Lately, I've been spending a lot of time with my personal journal, one of the reasons I'm blogging less these days. I've acquired several diaries over the years from friends and family and started journal keeping in all of them. Over the years my writing was scattered over several journals, if you wanted a complete understanding of my life, you'd need all seven or eight or... I lost count. It's ridiculous, that's not even counting the composition books and notebooks I purchased on my own. I decided a while back that I would finish writing in one journal exclusively before moving onto the next one, reverting back to their chronological order in which they were received. I'm writing in the black duct-taped one now, I'm lining it in pencil so I can also work on my penmanship. I'm also practicing my Bengali along with my English alphabet to refine my handwriting and make it something more consistent. I found a nice website about Italics and other handwriting that I'd like to share with you-- Italic Handwriting Directory-- it is really neat and a great place to admire lovely penmanship, even if you're not familiar with calligraphy, you'll certainly fall in love with the beautiful style and elegance therein.

Right now I'm working on a cardigan called Chevron Lace cardigan, the pattern is available from the crafter herself at her blog, it's a wonderful site but unfortunately it's inactive. You can still find her patterns at Ravelry and I love the simple cardigan pattern so far. Still making several doilies in the Autumn Reflections pattern. And yes, I really do need that many doilies. Why in the world am I working a cardigan in the middle of spring? It has occurred to me that it's best to work your winter patterns in the spring or summer, that way you get more time to plan and make changes to your finished work before it's ready to wear. Also, I desired a caplet or shawl for hanging around the house, it's not so strange if you think about it. Over here in the land of central air conditioning and wooden crawl spaces, the houses are always chilly, drafty or just plain freezing. Especially in the summer.

Last night I got really sick with food poisoning and even though I was deathly ill, somehow I still managed to meditate and focus on the Holy Name. Sri Harinam helps me a lot when I'm in trouble, ill, mentally or emotionally disturbed. I chant constantly, aloud or silently, and beg the Name to reveal truth to my heart. I prayed and cried out to the Lord, I wanted mental clarity and strength. When I get sick, I start to panic and fear the worst case scenario, panicking only worsens my condition, so I try my best to control my mind. I tried my best to chant, keep myself calm and surrendered to the shelter of Sri Nityananda Swarup.
Of course, I always get these really wonderful realizations, it seems kind of macabre to say it but the day afterward, I relish it. I can reflect on the Lord's mercy and how he reveals Himself at our weakest hours. Last night's realizations were exactly what I was praying for these past several months. I couldn't unlock this code for the life of me. I knew it would  take a huge blow to the head for it to sink in, and boy, was I right! The Lord is so merciful, if you simply cry, beg, plead with a sincere heart for His shelter, He'll make proper arrangements and reveal tattva to you when the time is appropriate. Another thing I realized, it's through the process of purging that we rid ourselves of impurities, sometimes we have to endure that painful process, since we have so many anarthas in our hearts, it takes a long time. With forbearance and determination we can make it to our desired goal but we pray for the spriritual strength and endurance of Lord Nityananda Ram, otherwise the journey is implausible. We just have to keep on trekking, no matter what. Determination, patience and enthusiasm- that is the instruction of Sri Rupa Goswamipad.

Jay Sri Sri Guru Gouranga! Jay Nityananda Balaram! Jaya Sri Hari nama!
♫ Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare Hare Ram Hare Ram Ram Ram Hare Hare ♪

Christmas Prayers

Today is Christmas day- the day celebrated as Jesus Christ's appearance day- so there was a festival program at the temple for Sri Sri Radha Kalachandji; though I didn't attend personally, I was in the pujari room and witnessed the abundance of gifts received by the Deities and Srila Prabhupada first hand on this momentous occasion. There were pressure cookers, food processors, juicers, towels, and all kinds of kitchen and worship paraphernalia piled on top of each other. It was nice to see the spirit of charity alive in Krishna Consciousness. Sometimes we hear people say, "Give to a good cause. This is for a good cause. etc." but only when we engage our mind, body and hearts in the service of the Supreme Lord, Sri Krishna, do we really support a good cause--our spiritual cause. Without God and a God-conscious society, every good cause will go on in vain without knowledge of the True Self and the spiritual reality, Sri Goloka Dham, every endeavor is simply a waste of valuable time and energy. Rather than pray for material enjoyment, I'd like to pray for my Self in hopes that I will one day make some spiritual advancement. Sri Caitanya Mahaprabhu indiscriminately gives away prema-bhakti, pure Love of Godhead to anyone... regardless of age, race, gender, background or creed simply out of compassion for the fallen souls of this Age. So I pray for the Mercy of the Two Transcendental Brothers, Bringers of the Holy Name,
"Please, My Lord Gauranga! Oh Son of Sachi, please engage me in chanting the Holy Name of Lord Krishna! Allow me to taste the nectar of Sri Hari Nam and uninhibitedly delve into that ocean of transcendental sweet ambrosia. Oh Thakur! When will I cry joyfully in ecstasy and develop symptoms of prema within my body after simply uttering the words, 'Nitai! Gaura! Gauranga!'? "
Touching the feet of the Vaishnavs, I pray that you will offer me your blessings and make my prayers come true, it is my only solace in Life.
Also, if you would like to similarly pray for pure love of Godhead, there is a beautiful bhajan/poem by Srila Narottam das Thakur called 'Gauranga bolite habe'.  

Parting Words

My Dearest Heath,

Heath, Heath, Heath! Where have you gone to now? I can only speculate but I will pray earnestly that you find your way back home, back to the lotus feet of the Lord. Why did you have to enchant us with your witty jokes and charm? Now all I have left of you are conversations and memories of playful times. Wonderful times. You always knew how to make everyone laugh-- even the teachers would crack up! We were all drawn in by your magnetic personality; we couldn't help being drawn in just like bees towards honey. I wonder if you will be entertaining the angels and demigods in the heavenly planets? I imagine you will. Mostly, I wonder if I was a good enough friend to you or if you resented me. I never had the courage to ask you and simply bear the truth. Can I ever forgive myself for it? I don't know, man, but I will sure as hell try. Will you please forgive me and love me anyhow? Please, pray for us-- everyone you've left behind-- and offer us your blessings as you journey onward. Oh, and Heath, don't forget to write! : P Hehe.
We love you, Heath. We'll miss you immensely and never forget you! May the lotus feet of the Supremely Sweet Sri Krishna be upon you very soon. May Sri Radhe along with Her intimate maid-servants bestow Their blessings and love upon you.  Jaya Sri Radhe! Jaya Bhakti-pradayini Srimati Tulasi Devi, Vrinda Devi Maharani! Jaya Srila Prabhupada! Gauranga! Nityananda!  Hare Krishna!
Your friend,
 Madri devi dasi 

Amar Moner Duhkhi

The more I read the writings of the previous acharyas, the more I realise how wretched and hopeless a case I am. I am not a Vaishnav but a total fraud and cheat. I don't know why this is happening to me, I am utterly addicted to reading the pure and transcendental narrations of your devotees and I desire, above everything else, their divine association through any means possible. I want to bang my head out of frustration because though I desire it more than anything, still, being lowly and fallen, I can not relish even a drop of ambrosial prema. Still, understanding the glories of the Supremely Sweet Lord, I am full of lust and remain attached to lowly habits. When, my Lord, will I be completely immersed with love for You? When will I relish chanting Your name, hearing your glorification, associating with your pure devotee and remain completely intoxicated in that nectar? When will I cry in madness 'GAURANGA' 'NITAI' and fall upon the ground in ecstatic emotion? Please my Lord, help me, how many times do I have to beg forgiveness for my insolence, pride and sinful attachments... just tear me away from it. I can't take this anymore, I even want to pull my hair out of despair. Please cleanse my heart and let me chant Your name peacefully and attain the height of prema bhakti because I know that I can not fight these demons alone, only you can save me from this plight. Only by taking sole shelter of you and your dear-most followers can I be rescued from this despair. When will the merciful and compassionate mañjaris, sheltering me in the cool shade of their lotus feet, bring me under their apprenticeship and guidance? When will my mistress accept me as her maid-servant and draw the moon-rays of her glances upon me?

আমার মনের দুঃখী... 

Painting and Waiting

Kamada Ekadasi. Woke up early with a heavy feeling in my stomach so I got up and drank a half teaspoon of baking soda dissolved in a glass of water hoping to alleviate the symptoms. It was around three thirty, still restless, achy and unable to fall back asleep, I contemplated rising and finishing folding and ironing the massive load of laundry from last night. "No, it's only three-thirty, go back to sleep for an hour." I told myself from beneath the blanket. I convinced myself to sleep but only tossed and turned for an hour... my mind was disturbed and my stomach still achy. Four-thirty and I finally got out of bed, showered, dressed and started my morning puja. As I finished changing the Lords' water glasses, I thought of ways to paint Gaura Nitai's faces... I got my supplies and meditated on Their Lordships, hoping, somehow They would inspire me and They would look even more stunningly beautiful than before. I've finished Their painting and now are resting and waiting for the paint to dry. Amazingly, They don't look half bad... even though it's my first time and I was nervous as hell. I'll post pics... Haribol.

New Project

It's getting late so I'm gonna make this quick. I haven't finished the dhotis for Gaura-Nitai because I'm being lazy and uninspired. I tried to get to it today but I just ended up organizing and cleaning my work table (which it was in really desperate need of). Instead, I started a new crochet project for Ladhu Gopal, and I realised that crocheting is so much faster than sewing. I guess I just get easily dissuaded. Oh well, at least I finished a new blankie for baby Gopal. It's not really cold anymore so it's not like He needs an extra blankie, but the yarn is so so soft, you know? Gopal has a small bassinet/crib that He sleeps in, and I wanted Him to have a new blankie. Who can resist?