Travel Plans

Last night Chandaneswar prabhu came home really excited about his latest plan: a pilgrimage of South India. I was excited to see how energized he was planning this whole thing out. Apparently he and Lokojit prabhu were on the phone last night discussing it and came up with a detailed itinerary. My greatest hope is that I get to travel to Ahobhilam but I'm not sure if that will happen this time around. We're hitting Tirupati, Rameswaram, Kanya Kumari, Visakhapatnam and then complete our trip in Bombay. We've been to Mayapur, Vrindavan, and Puri in the past and I wanted to visit the Himalayan temples and South Indian temples. We will need another trip in the summer to visit Kailash and Amaranth, but I'm excited that I finally get to visit India again after five years!

Offensive Woman

Last night I had a funny dream about an offensive woman who wanted to kidnap my Gour-Nitai by force, because I refused to trade Them with her like common currency. Initially, she introduced herself briefly as a friend of an acquaintance during a large festival in my community.

It was the first time we celebrated this particular festival in our community, so we publicized it largely in magazines, television advertisements, radio commercials, and so on. Consequentially, many people turned up, even devotees from other regions and countries. I personally set up a large tent, or pandal, on my landlord's empty plot of land. We decorated it with beautiful, fragrant flower garlands, banana trees, mango leaves, and fumigated it with aromatic, purifying herbs, cowdung, and incense. Inside the pandal, I drew an auspicious mandala of bright white alpona, atop which I installed a simple throne for Their Lordships, Sri Avadhuta Shiromani and Sri Mayapur Chandra. Dressed, ornamented, and adored, Their Lordships stood majestically on Their throne when suddenly the lone troublemaker appeared.
Before she could open her mouth, I already anticipated that she wanted me to give her something for nothing. Their Lordships laughed and teased me, repeatedly asking, "She wants something, will you give it to her? Will you give her whatever she asks? Such is the character of brahmins and sadhus; they give up even their most coveted treasure!" I grew irate with Gour Nitai and wondered why They were interacting with me in this way. They very rarely speak to me, even after constantly badgering Them, what to speak of dialogue and banter.
"Hare Krishna, Mataji. You don't know me but I'm friends with so-and-so." she said.
"So what?" I thought, "everyone knows each other around here, it won't earn you any favor."
"Our friend told me you have very large, beautiful deities, and she told me where you lived. I want to do parikrama during the festival with Gour Nitai. My deities are too small, though, and I want some big ones that way everyone can see. I'll trade you my little Gour Nitai for your big ones. You see, I'm doing pilgrimage so you should help me out, or I'll just take Them anyway."
She spoke with such audacity, as if she would get her way without any trouble at all. Assumptions do a great many things, and among those things, arousing my anger is really dangerous. I was more infuriated with her attitude about Their Lordships. She spoke as if they were some cheap commodity to be traded or borrowed like the neighbor's garden trowel.
"How dare you, you filthy whore! Who the hell do you think you are? You strut in here, like a dog in heat, peddling your wares like you own the damn place, and demand my Deities? I wouldn't dream of it! Do you think They are toys? Clothes? Huh? Or a knapsack you can throw away when you get tired of it? They are not your soiled undergarments, you two-legged beast! You don't deserve the arca-vigraha presence of the Lord, damned aparadhi! You should give up your Gour-Nitai to me before you make more offenses!"
I shouted all kinds of obscenities at her in English, Bengali, and Spanish, until I was red in the face and my rage was satiated. Meanwhile, the two munificent brothers, Gouranga and Nityananda, laughed, rolled on the ground, cried tears in hysteria, and spoke sarcastically, "That's a good one! I never heard that one before, Devi. Some virtuous saint you are indeed!"
I have the feeling that Their Lordships arranged the encounter with that filthy dog, disguised in Vaishnava attire, in order to pique my rage and wrath. Otherwise, rarely do we encounter these types of personalities, full of pride and offensive ideas.

My Final Wish

I wanted to add this tidbit of information about the last couple months of my trips, which are the least journalized. I traveled to Puri Dham where I stayed in Srila Bhaktiratna Sadhu Swami's ashram, then visisted Bhubaneśwar where I stayed with Premananda Prabhu. After that, we made visits to Vrindaban, Ekachakra, Tarapith and Purandar prabhu's village known as Dinajpur or Kaliganj. We returned to Belpukur, our headquarters during the remainder of our stay and participated in the Nabadvip Mandal Parikram and met up with Maharaj and several others during the festival. The past several weeks we spent hanging out with young brahmacharies, they're mostly Bengali, in their twenties and very adventurous. We frequently needed favors and the brahmacharies make very willing errand-boys because they know we'll buy their treats, snacks and other gifts for them. They also sneak us into places we're not usually allowed for a private, VIP tours of places, especially during the Nabadvip Mandal Parikram. They're really kind of wild and get into all kinds of adventures, sometimes I wish I'd been born a male in this wonderful land of Nadia, West Bengal or even anywhere in India. I wish I could relish the excitement and adventure of the brahmachari life too. They're like brothers in saffron and have a bond between them that is richer than blood. I really admire these boys, they're playful, sweet and affectionate just like gentle calves. I really like it when they surround me and call me 'Mataji' or 'Mata' or call out 'Maa' so sweetly and humbly that it just melts my heart. If only I could have such wonderful sons, hundreds of them, to surround me at all times! God, how I miss them. In a way though, they are my sons, brothers, gurus and friends rolled into one; when I think of them tears fill up my eyes. My only misfortune is their absence while I'm away from India, rotting away in the West. The only thing I can do is weep and pray, "Lord, please grant me entrance into Your transcendental abode, Sri Nadia. May I always be surrounded by cows and devotees, near Ma Ganga and able to wander the beautiful transcendental playground of Sri Navadvip Dham. Let me remain near them always and constantly hear the sound of their sweet voices calling out, 'Maa'."

Kabe Habe

I just have to update you on the happenings around the house. Just a couple realizations and some advice too, if you want it.

1) Knitting is for losers... I much rather crochet. Learning a new craft is tedious, knitting being the worst of needle crafts, in my opinion. I have to work hard and after only a couple weeks of practicing my wrists are hurting and I have approximately ten inches of knit fabric (in fingering weight wool, no less) I'm thinking to quit while I'm still "ahead" and count my blessings. I still have a several thousand years to prepare for the end of Kali-yuga; hopefully, I'll be in the spiritual oasis or preaching somewhere on another planet when the final curtain drops.

2) I'm finally catching up on my reading and critical thinking, particularly with Sri Bhaktivinoda Vani Vaibhava. While I was wasting my precious energies trying to prepare for the apocalypse, I also fell behind on my reading and writing (and thinking, to some extent). Part of the reason is lack of time management but the other is simple dull-headedness. I have a hard time understanding the full purports of some deeper topics; in order to fully grasp and absorb the information in the darkest recesses of my brain, I read and re-read paragraphs, sometimes entire chapters until it has become downloaded, fully analyzed and comprehended.

3) I'm as frustrated as ever, maybe even more heartbroken than before. When I was in India, I had the luxury of visiting many holy places, temples, saints and associate with them more intimately. This gave me an understanding of pure, unalloyed devotional service, an appreciation and taste for devotees of the highest caliber and, most of all, for this most secret and illusive goal. My wonderful friends in Braj and Gaud mandal are self-evident truths in human form but without them nearby, I feel extreme separation and irreparable damage done to my psyche. I feel debilitated and a pervading feeling of estrangement from my general surroundings. My mind is disturbed now more than ever and I honestly don't know what I will do; it seems there is no practical solution for my current dilemma. Sri Nityananda and Gaura-hari are at the momentmy only solace, refuge and ultimate shelter. The ground trembles and crumbles away while the two munificent brothers remain and pacify my aching heart.

Last, I just want to add, "kabe habe, bolo, se din amar?" and all the lamenting that goes with feeling deprived...