Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Kabe Habe

I just have to update you on the happenings around the house. Just a couple realizations and some advice too, if you want it.

1) Knitting is for losers... I much rather crochet. Learning a new craft is tedious, knitting being the worst of needle crafts, in my opinion. I have to work hard and after only a couple weeks of practicing my wrists are hurting and I have approximately ten inches of knit fabric (in fingering weight wool, no less) I'm thinking to quit while I'm still "ahead" and count my blessings. I still have a several thousand years to prepare for the end of Kali-yuga; hopefully, I'll be in the spiritual oasis or preaching somewhere on another planet when the final curtain drops.

2) I'm finally catching up on my reading and critical thinking, particularly with Sri Bhaktivinoda Vani Vaibhava. While I was wasting my precious energies trying to prepare for the apocalypse, I also fell behind on my reading and writing (and thinking, to some extent). Part of the reason is lack of time management but the other is simple dull-headedness. I have a hard time understanding the full purports of some deeper topics; in order to fully grasp and absorb the information in the darkest recesses of my brain, I read and re-read paragraphs, sometimes entire chapters until it has become downloaded, fully analyzed and comprehended.

3) I'm as frustrated as ever, maybe even more heartbroken than before. When I was in India, I had the luxury of visiting many holy places, temples, saints and associate with them more intimately. This gave me an understanding of pure, unalloyed devotional service, an appreciation and taste for devotees of the highest caliber and, most of all, for this most secret and illusive goal. My wonderful friends in Braj and Gaud mandal are self-evident truths in human form but without them nearby, I feel extreme separation and irreparable damage done to my psyche. I feel debilitated and a pervading feeling of estrangement from my general surroundings. My mind is disturbed now more than ever and I honestly don't know what I will do; it seems there is no practical solution for my current dilemma. Sri Nityananda and Gaura-hari are at the momentmy only solace, refuge and ultimate shelter. The ground trembles and crumbles away while the two munificent brothers remain and pacify my aching heart.

Last, I just want to add, "kabe habe, bolo, se din amar?" and all the lamenting that goes with feeling deprived...

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