Well-Oiled Machine

Sri Gopi Nath Giri Dhari

Sri Lakshmi

Today Chitravasini and I had errands and shopping to do early in the morning so I didn't get to worship My Lordships this morning. Fortunately, I knew that today was going to be busy so I prepared the lunch menu and got most of the preliminary stuff out of the way. I didn't get home until almost 2pm, but as I don't have a fixed schedule for Their worship and so on, I figured I could run errands and do the puja later. After their abhishek and srngar, I offered Them something to eat and I was surprised to see that I completed my full routine in under an hour! I love it when the everything runs smoothly like a well-oiled machine!

Sri Sri Lakshmi Narasimha Deva

Sri Madan Gopal Ji

I have been struggling the past few weeks to get any new ideas for Deity outfits. The last time I made Their Lordships a new outfit was probably around a festival. I really want to make more time for Them and use some of the new brocade fabric that is sitting around idly. I hope I can get more time, but as it stands, I hardly get enough time for myself. Most of my time is consumed my school, puja, and practicing. I hope Lord Balaram empowers me and Lord Krishna accepts my offerings. Today my jasmine didn't give many flowers and I think this is because it's going out of season soon. I'm really upset because on top of this, my gardenia has passed away. I figured I could revive her but after weeks of struggling with her, I finally put her to rest. I uprooted her from the soil and I saw her root system was not very strong. This is unfortunate; I'm really depressed but hopefully I get more flowers and shrubs this weekend! Chandaneswar prabhu hired a landscaper to plant new gardenia shrubs for me!

nityanandam aham naumi sarvananda karam param
harinam pradam devam avadhuta shiromani 

namo maha vandanyaya krishna prema pradayate
krishnaya krishna-chaitanya namne gaura tvishe namah

Jay Gopeswar Mahadev!

The Grief of Separation

Do you know what happened to me? Do you want to know what happened to me? Let me tell you... it wasn't pretty. I woke up around 11pm or so... (when I say "woke up" I mean, I laid in bed for hours trying to fall asleep). I was thinking and pondering about what might happen on the trips, what I'll need to pack, and my heart started pounding. I mean it was pounding out of my chest until I eventually got up and started pacing the house. The more I paced, the more racing thoughts occurred, the more anxious I became, the faster my heart raced. I didn't want to go on this trip to India and I really wasn't even sure if I wanted to hangout with Purandar Acharya so much, what to speak of this whole 'one-roadtrip-per-week' nonsense. How much can one drive in a month? I mean, that's the only time we have left together.
And then it happened.
I don't think I've ever told you about it; I may have alluded to it, hinted at it, beat around the damn bush, but I haven't ever given you the details because the details are excruciating. My heart started to race along with my thoughts and so it continued until I couldn't keep track of my own mind. Suddenly the flood gates were open and every possible disastrous end that could happen troubled my anxiety-addled mind. I started to panic. I couldn't breath, I couldn't sit, I couldn't even think straight. I wanted to stop myself. I wanted to slap myself across the face and tell myself to calm the fuck down... but I couldn't. Could I?
So I checked my blood pressure because unlike most people, I still have the intellectual aptitude to think my way out of this whole debacle, right? I'm superwoman. Fuck this panic attack.
I checked it three times, each time hoping that it would come down and it did, with the help of pranayam and mantras. I chanted silently as to not wake the men-folk. They weren't capable of talking me down, they would only get in the way. Except, it did wake one of the men-folk-- Chandaneswar-- and he asked me what was going on. Naturally, he assumed that my blood sugar or blood pressure dropped (he says I have un usually calm demeanor) so he advised me to drink sugar water or some electrolytes but I couldn't entertain his nonsensical idea because I was fully engaged in  panic mode. I calmed myself down with more deep breathing and chanting in lotus position until I was "nearing" normal range. I stayed in meditation for some time actually, and when I got down to the bottom, I realized why I was terrified.
I wasn't scared of the trip. I wasn't worried about what to pack, or that it was last-minute, or that my passport wasn't here or that I needed to transfer my Indian visa.. none of that shit mattered, only time mattered. I knew in my heart that we were running out of time. We were out of time and I was very much in love with Purandar prabhu. I mean, at this point, it's excruciating for me to realize just how much he means to me. Much like a young girl is crushed when she is separated from her lover, I was obliterated inside. I all saw was darkness and all I felt was solitude. At that time I started to sob and cry and wail like a damn child. I knew I might not see him again, except for rare trips to India. But what of it? Who cares, right? Except... if I'm this crushed and torn about it, I imagine Chandaneswar is a thousand times that. If Purandar was this important and dear to me, he's a thousand times more important to and bonded with Chandaneswar. So, if I'm in love with Purandar prabhu, Chandaneswar and Purandar are eternal soul-mates, lovers. I even joke that Purandar is Chandaneswar's first true love. I know he will just about die of grief when Purandar leaves. I'll die of grief as well, but Chandaneswar is well, I don't know how to explain it. They're soul mates, best friends, brothers. Chandaneswar told me to hold it in just a while longer. "If you get depressed, he'll get depressed and this whole time will be miserable for everyone. Be strong until he leaves, then you can cry."
As I sobbed and cried into Chandaneswar's shoulders and ruminated over how we would return back empty-handed and heavy-hearted, I meditated on the Supreme Lord. I begged and pleaded with Sri Nityananda Ray and asked Him what would become of us. "If Purandar leaves us, I'll die. I'll die of separation. Prabhu, help me. If he goes, I'll go to India too and I'll just follow prabhu wherever he goes. I'll be the annoying little sister he couldn't have. I'll be good, Thakur; make it happen, please." When I disclosed my thoughts to Chandaneswar prabhu, his only reply was, "If you leave me here, then I'll leave too."
Today my friend came to the house and confided the very same thoughts, almost in tears, "If Purandar leaves, you can't stay here, Chandaneswar can't stay here. They're too close, like lovers. You'll leave to India, and then Chandaneswar will leave to India, and I'll be alone."
And so the cycle continues. 

Travel Plans

Last night Chandaneswar prabhu came home really excited about his latest plan: a pilgrimage of South India. I was excited to see how energized he was planning this whole thing out. Apparently he and Lokojit prabhu were on the phone last night discussing it and came up with a detailed itinerary. My greatest hope is that I get to travel to Ahobhilam but I'm not sure if that will happen this time around. We're hitting Tirupati, Rameswaram, Kanya Kumari, Visakhapatnam and then complete our trip in Bombay. We've been to Mayapur, Vrindavan, and Puri in the past and I wanted to visit the Himalayan temples and South Indian temples. We will need another trip in the summer to visit Kailash and Amaranth, but I'm excited that I finally get to visit India again after five years!

Sectarianism in Vaishnava Practice

It's only one o'clock in the afternoon right now. It took me about twenty minutes to do my make up but I feel like it really should have taken me much longer. Am I getting better at applying makeup or did I just skip something important out of forgetfulness? I don't know.
I completed a discussion assignment for my online class and I feel like I spent a disproportionate amount of my week studying for what turned out to be a fairly easily topic to address. Not that the assignment was easy, what I mean is, I didn't think I had at least 400 words to say on the subject until I started typing up my response. Before I knew it, I was over 700 words, I guess I should have word-counted sooner, so I spend more time cutting the fat than I actually spend organizing my thoughts. Interesting.
Also, I wanted to post a photo of Brahmacharini Devi but I decided against it because I remember I attached one during an earlier post from last year about an interesting dream I had. It's here, if you're interested in reading about it. Instead, let me post a picture of Durga's nine incarnations because I haven't done that yet. As Vasanta Durga puja approaches, I've been considering performing Durga puja and Saraswati puja at home. We'll see what happens... wish me luck.
Actually, I've wanted to do goddess pujas in the past, but being an advocate for Vaishnavism and a practicing Vaishnava, it is typically frowned upon to worship demigods. In my quest for spiritual understanding, I've outgrown all the sectarian supremacy and dogmatic nonsense. I really believe that Goddess puja is as spiritually rewarding and fulfilling for a sincere practitioner as Vishnu or Krishna puja. That is to say, if someone has a sincere desire for spiritual upliftment, not material benefits. Years ago, I had several dreams about Goddesses beckoning me to Their worship. She urged me to worship Her in order to receive maximum results; I still don't know what 'maximum results' entails, however, it is ever-enticing an offer.
I believe that in our earnest (and zealous) ambition to worship Sri Krishna, we may inadvertently offend and disrespect demigods, which negatively affects our sadhana bhakti. The result being the same as offending a Vaishnava. Krishna devotees seem to forget that demigods are expansions of the Supreme Absolute Truth as well as servants of Krishna so we should offer Them all respects (though we aren't obligated to worship Them either). They are not ordinary souls, and if one agrees that Krishna is the Adi-Purush, one should also accept that all incarnations, expansions, etc come from Him, so in effect, we are offending Him to a degree when we disrespect demigods.

Begging Forgiveness

Oh Govinda! I am a monster in disguise,

A wolf in sheep's clothing,

An unscrupulous charlatan 

Deceiving the ignorant and innocent masses! 

Where have I gone wrong, Thakur?

Where, specifically, did I fall from Your Grace?

My Lord, I beg Your forgiveness,

Give me hope that I can rectify my senseless actions.

Show me the way out of this abyss!

I've stooped so low and become so degraded

That, at times, I hardly recognize my own self.

Is it possible, my Sweet Govinda, to do any worse harm than this?

It is better, by far, to die and quit this wretched body

Than commit such a senseless act of spiritual suicide.

What becomes of this lowly beggar? 

Madri begs Grace and Compassion from You and Yours!

Finding Heart

Sri Sri Guru-Gauranga Jayatah!

Dandavat pranam. Jay Srila Prabhupad!

I hope this letter finds you in good health and sound mind.

Lately I feel like I have fallen slack in my devotional service and spiritual practice. Truly, I normally ignore my exhaustion and try my best to re-commit myself each morning, each moment of every day. Over a decade ago, HH Rtadhvaja Swami advised me that the best strategy was to take Krishna Consciousness a day at a time. I realized immediately that if I thought about the long-term goal, at some point, the goal might seem unattainable. For my fickle and immature mind, it would be easier to endeavor only in baby steps. Everyday I followed those wise instructions and maintained my vows to the best of my ability. I endeavored patiently, slowly chiseling away at a lifelong vow of loyalty to Krishna, Guru, and Gauranga in hopes of attaining the highest goal-- prema-bhakti. 

I loved my god-siblings, served them, followed their wisdom, asked their advice and so on. At times, I felt pressured to accept first initiation but I resisted the temptation to rush such an important commitment until I was certain. After years of contemplating, I accepted first initiation in the company of sweet vaishnavs and celebrated my spiritual birth. I remember that day clearly. I tearfully circumambulated the sacrificial fire in ecstasy knowing I had found spiritual shelter. That was seven years ago this Balaram Purnima. Over these past seven years, I have realized that I am a fraud. I have lost sight of my eternal self, service, name, identity, and mood. I followed the rules and regulations with unyielding zeal. I only cared about following protocol. I learned to sit properly, dress properly, behave properly, speak properly, and think properly but I did not learn to love properly. I did not love anyone or anything properly. I did not even love myself properly because I was too busy contorting myself to fit into a box properly. More recently, I found a sanga where I feel accepted, welcomed, and loved. I found a wonderful place where I do not have to contort myself to fit in. I found vaishnavs with kindness and acceptance at the core of their hearts, with warmth and affection I did not find at temple. One day, as I was reciting my pranams to the acharya sampraday and my ishtha-devatas, I realized I was never going to fit in. Indeed, it is impossible to push a square cog into a round hole. As I slowly uttered, “ananta koti vaishnava vrinda ki” I felt hollow inside and realized though I may offer my prostrate obeisance to hundreds, thousands, even millions of vaishnavs, I will never quite be up to par. I will never be counted among them. What's more, I do not want to fit in. I know I will never be good enough. No matter how hard I contort, distort, repress and suppress myself, I will never feel good enough. I want to be myself and be accepted. I want to feel loved. I do not want to be part of a society where I feel pressured to fake it and go through the motions. I do not want to be part of a community in which appearances means more than sincerity and intention. I do not want to be part of a society wherein one is reprimanded for speaking frankly and honestly and gloried for being delusional and duplicitous. I ask myself if there is something wrong with me for feeling this way but each time I do so, I hear a resounding and overwhelming, "No!" 

I want a heart because I lost mine somewhere along the way. 

Apnar kinkar

Marjanam

Today was the Gundica Marjan festival at our local temple. Appropriately, I'm in the process of cleaning house. Yesterday I organized & sorted saris with the help of a close friend. I'm giving away dozens of outfits (again); I feel compelled to change my physical appearance, identity, and style. Not only that, but I feel like the exterior is symptomatic of something I feel deep inside. I'm transforming and undergoing a metamorphosis. I've felt this way a lot this past decade but sometimes I feel like I'm going in circles. (I'm constantly enduring painful growth spurts) Why do I feel this way, even after ten years of conscious endeavor toward growth? I'm starting to feel like there is something I'm missing or skipping. I've been feeling more open and forthcoming lately but I also really raw & emotional. I don't like feeling raw & emotional because it's powerfully overwhelming to me. I find myself feeling insecure at times & when I try to analyze those feelings, I get frustrated or feel self-conscious. What's going on? I suppose the only thing to do is surrender to those emotions and let myself feel them thoroughly. In fact, it may be cathartic to let them pass through me instead of holding back. I'm afraid though, and I'm more afraid of exploring these emotions. I find myself in prayer sometimes, distracted from the external world and begging my Lord and Lady for help.

"My Dear Kalachandji, please help me. 

Nobody can help me but You. 

Save me please, Lord, turn me into one of Sri Radha's loyal maidservants; 

I plead you, place me under Her care. 

O Devi, please guide my heart toward Your lotus feet! 

Please let me surrender to You and no one else. 

I have no other friend, no other shelter and no other recourse,

 but Your service, name, worship, and shelter. 

I beg of You, Goddess, save me from my wretched materialistic desires. 

Prepare me for Your Ladyship's service. You are my only resort."

My Humble Thanks

School is fantastic. I still have my 4.0 even though several people said it wouldn’t last. “You’ll get burned out!” Well, maybe I would have but the fact remains that I’ve accomplished my goal so far. I am reminded of the adage, “Slow and steady wins the race.” I am nothing if not slow and steady. My friends and family laud me for that quality.
I haven’t named my violin yet, but if she had a name, I’d name her Anastasia, resurrection, because has resurrected me. I’m with her most of the time at school, and with my friends and family the rest of the time. Of course, I am always with the Lord; Chaitya-guru guides me from within. I've relied heavily on Nitai-Gaura mantra meditation and pranayam to get me through daily tasks like focusing on boring documents or presentations. I didn't know it was possible but it is. Gaura Nam is my heart; Nitai Nam is my life. I feel a renewed sense of joy when I chant... it can only mean one thing.
Lately I’ve been spending a lot of time practicing my violin. I spend my time with Kreutzer, Bach, Tchaikovsky, Handel, and Mozart. I started playing violin seriously this semester, and I'm focusing on improving my piano skills. I practice classical repertoire everyday, and I’ve made a commitment to finishing a degree in Music Therapy. I would love to be a therapist and counselor, employing music to heal people in pain, trauma, and crises. 
I feel great to have accomplished my goals so far, but I couldn’t do it without the support of my friends and family. Without them, I wouldn’t have the courage to face it every day. They inspire me to do better for others and myself. They challenge me to reach for bigger goals. Thank you!

Wandering

Happy Balaram Purnima

For those who are not familiar, today is the advent of Lord a Balaram, Krishna's older brother, protector, and best friend. I'd like to share an informative article about Him here. http://harmonist.us/2014/08/all-rests-on-balarama/

Last night I had a similar dream to the one before. It was more like a nightmare in that all the events were unfortunate coincidences and worst case scenarios in succession. 

First, it appears that I'm backpacking through Colorado with a friend. We both have close friends there and decided to crash on their couches. During the day, we had activities planned, but were mostly strapped for cash so we kept our accommodations at a minimum. It seems Chandaneśwar prabhu and Krishna Chandra prabhu did not accompany me on my trip. It's just me and my buddy, let's call him... Joe.

 Anyway, Joe and I have the most unreliable friends on the planet, and both flake out, so we are out on the streets with no shelter, or money, and it's cold, and it's just started storming, and it's night. Did I mention we have no money, and a single cellphone with no charger and a dying battery? I'm looking for my friend, Jacob, at his friend's place, but he's no where to be found. I can't contact him, and he's outside in the cold, freezing rain wthout any rain gear. We are fucked, and there's an intruder breaking into the house-- I have to act immediately to the most urgent problem. The head of household, Jake's friend, is out, she has children, about five-- all filthy, unsupervised, and malnourished. The house is so horribly messy, I can't make my way around the room without tripping or bumping myself. I get to the back entrance to disarm the intruder, but the children are crying for attention. They are hungry, tired, dirty, and afraid. I want to help the children, but with no resources, food, or assistance, the task seems out of my hands. I decide to leave the unsupervised children, pack as many belongings as possible into a couple backpacks, look for my friend Josh, and call Children's welfare and protective services later. I leave in search for a suitable shelter, like a park with plenty of tree cover, but hope to find a cemetery. The city looks like Denver, I remembered a local cemetery/park, and headed in that direction. There are plenty of trees that provide overhead cover, but other threats are present. There is a strange man who appears to be a demon in the guise of a common thug. As threatening individuals approach me, I fear for my safety, but no one physically harms me. Mostly they ask for money, or try to rob me, but I manage to talk my way out of the situations without fighting. I feel relieved because I'm famished, low on energy, and incapable of continuing on so heavily encumbered. I can't find my friend, Jake/Josh/Joe/Jacob, but it doesn't matter because I'm too exhausted to continue searching. I find a suitable place to camp for the night, and wake up from my dream. It's not even five o'clock. 

I couldn't remember the details of today's dream, only that it ran in a similar theme of anxiety, paranoia, homelessness, or aimless wandering. I went to Temple to swing the Deities this morning, and felt very faint, lightheaded, and tingling in my face and limbs. It startled me, and I wondered why I had symptoms of hypoxia. I seated myself, drank water, and rested until my husband came for me. It was embarrassing but thankfully only one person was present. I still am not sure why that happened, only that sheer panic coursed my mind at the thought of falling unconscious. 

Bhakti Yoga and Friends

Yesterday morning I woke up early and planned to attend the morning program. Krishna Chandra had other plans however, and we ended up staying home. He didn't even want to to ride his bike at the park. Increasingly frustrated, I feel asleep after breakfast and ignored him the rest of the morning. I realise that I tend to pout in the corner when I can't get my way. It's also surprising how easily depressive I can be. Though I haven't had any symptoms for several months, I can easily fall back into a weak mentality when I'm stressed. Although I'm the adult, Krishna Chandra has more power and control in the relationship and it can be incredibly annoying. Im still not sure how to tackle this but I'm in a research and development phase. 

After waking up, I whipped up a quick lunch: pasta with vegetables in a tahini-almond sauce. I had more fruit left, so I milked my kefir in hopes of having a healthy snack later. It was around lunch time that I started receiving a dozen messages, texts, emails, etc. almost simultaneously. It was as if everyone wanted my attention at the same time, and it felt good for a minute until it became distracting and a hindrance. Chandaneśwar prabhu arrived home later, we watched the game and were horribly disappointed. In the late afternoon my sisters arrived and we engaged in light conversation. They also wanted some services performed: Palm reading and waxing. I busied myself waxing one sisters legs while Chandaneśwar read the other's palm. By this time it was late, so I invited them to the Yoga center. Maria and Josue wanted to go but Tiffany wanted to stop by the temple gift shop. We parted ways, and Maria joined us at the  yoga center. I took my violin with me so I could accompany Lavanga-latika during bhajans and later Maharaj answered queries. The class went long, and I started to feel sleepy by the soft lull of his voice. 

Friends, family, and well-rounded day of fun and spiritually charging activities was just what I needed. 

Akshay Tritiya Vrata

On Sunday evening, exhausted and dehydrated, I collapsed in my dining room and hit the floor. I knew I was going to lose consciousness. I felt that my mind was unfocused. I was not sharp. I felt dull, slow, and foggy. I sat at the dining table, pushed my textbooks away, and began sipping homemade lemonade. It was too sweet for my taste, though, and in a sad attempt to adjust it, I stumbled toward the kitchen area. I felt dizzy, nauseous, and began to tremble. I quickly diluted the lemonade and gulped it down as quickly as possible. As I reached my seat again, I sensed there was no way to delay the inevitable. I was going to pass out soon, so I made another sad attempt to protect myself. I turned away from my dining table, and leaned out toward the floor in hopes of laying down before I collapsed. I could tell there was not enough time, so with my last ounce of strength I folded my palms, half praying, half defensive position, and tucked my face into my hands. I knew my body would naturally assume a fetal position in order to protect my face and internal organs, so I surrendered, and trembling in fear, began to pray and weep before my brain shut down.

Krishna Krishna Krishna 

Krishna Krishna, help me!

Nitai please protect me!

 My body trembled and quaked; my brain shut down, and I felt like I was being electrocuted. When I woke up, I was lying on the floor with my hands under my cheeks. My face hurt, my lips and nose were swollen and throbbing, and my face was wet. "Am I bleeding?" Two solitary tears streamed down my cheek, and I slowly regained consciousness. I pushed myself up from the floor and reached for my drink. I sat there, bewildered, terrified, and alone. I didn't bother calling my husband, son, godbrother, sister, or neighbors for help. I just sat there on the dining room floor chanting the Lord's names, and thanking Him for manifesting Himself in my mind and heart. 

After raising my blood pressure and replacing my fluids, I sat in the dining room in total shock and disbelief: I was completely terrified and panicked, but somehow I remembered to chant the Lord's names. Today is Akshay Tritiya and I want to re-commit myself to chanting the Lord's name, remembering Him, and surrendering to His will. I want to be determined in the face of Death, and constantly remember Sri Krishna against all odds.

Productive Potato

It is snowing and the roads are iced over here. Krishna Chandra is sick so he stayed home today. Thankfully, my school closed for a faculty development and training so I basically stayed home, watched movies, and ate junk food with my husband. I did not forget about my exercise routine. Cheko and Dolly will be proud to hear that I have been doing light calisthenics every couple hours. I did lunges, swats, and jumping jacks. I can not go jogging outdoors, but I was thinking about using the treadmill next door for a half hour. This way, I can justify eating all that junk food, and not feel like a couch potato for sitting around all day. I crocheted some mrdanga head warmers, think tea cozy for clay drum heads. I practiced violin, harmonium, and even sang some scales. I didnot forget about the piano, I practice an hour of piano and aural skills in the practice room. This leaves my afternoon free for algebra study, violin, and work. I reviewed my algebra homework, and finished a practice exam. I feel productive. Chandaneswar prabhu read a chapter of Sri Chaitanya Charitamrita while I crocheted, and we had some stimulating discussions about Mahaprabhu's friends, associates, and their family members. In particular, we discussed Nrsimhananda Brahmachari, whose entire family were vaishnavas. Eventually Nrsimhananda brahmacari left his household and became the Lord's servant. I wish I had Vaishnava relatives. My relatives are all materialists, and my in-laws are dedicated mayavadis. Sometimes I tell my husband that I prefer a materialistic family over a materialistic mayavadi family.

Spiritual Intonation

Lately I have been contemplating my life more carefully, and sometimes it feels like Krishna has different plans for me entirely. I have been very social lately; I have forged new friendships and cultivated those relationships. Unfortunately, I have noticed a pattern that remains constant throughout. Whenever I attempt to forge closer relationships, the Lord, ever the expert arranger, shatters my expectations and hope.

I know that Srila Rupa Goswamipad says in Sri Upadeshamrita that we should cultivate loving relationships, reciprocate affection, and confide in other Vaishnavas. However, I have experienced that typically, they are the ones that break my heart and hurt me the most. I can only liken it to fine-tuning an instrument, or adjusting a signal or radio frequency. Usually, you can hear a slight dissonance when your instrument is out of tune. You attempt to fine-tune your instrument, or focus the signal, and usually, after a few attempts, you can have a clear, focused, and strong sound or signal.

When I first met devotees, I thought they were amazing individuals; they were impressive personalities: charming, loving, and wise. Some of them even struck me as perfected souls, enlightened representatives of the Lord sent to show compassion and love.I saw flickering images of their personality and character. As I tried to focus or strengthen relationships with with them, however, I have only received heartache and pain. I notice that they are flawed, hurtful, and selfish individuals just like ordinary materialistic men.

Perhaps I simply picked up the wrong frequency, but I fear that I set my expectations too high. I misconstrued the flickers and glimpses. I saw glimpses of a life, persona, or character that were just a farce. Just as an actor in a drama plays a romanticized and idealized hero based on fantasy and loft, they were fictional roles. The closer I move in, I feel, the more distorted, depraved, and grotesque the image. The more I am frightened, repulsed, and appalled. The more I retreat, or feel pushed away. Am I simply picking up interference? Adjusting the wrong frequency?  

One realization is comforting, although it does not alleviate my emotional anguish. I know He is the only constant, loyal, and loving friend. Everything and everyone else crumbles beneath His lotus feet. Everything erodes, dissolves, and dissipates-- only Krishna remains.

Simple Reckonings

Today was my first day of the semester, and it was thoroughly enjoyable. Except for the cold weather, everything was great. I have not attended my self defense and Taekwondo class in about a month. I was planning to immerse myself deeper into my martial arts practice this winter break, but I think The Lord may have other plans for me. I want to take a semester of martial arts on campus, at least, to better discipline myself and regulate my practice. On Sunday I had the opportunity to perform a duet with Bob at church during the Prelude. I am so flattered that he is impressed with me, and I could swear Juanita almost cried during the service when she heard Be Still My Soul. If I can satiate one soul, and thereby please The Lord with my service, it will make my life fruitful.
Piano class is going to be another enjoyable challenge. Yet again, I found the mercy of Sri Guru personified in an excellent professor, Ms. Jones. She is a thoroughly witty, opinionated, and humorous lady; I think I should do well under her tutelage.
I frequently hear students complain about their incompetent professors, but I am starting to believe this is a myth. There are probably very few incompetent professors, if any. I think it is more likely the students are incompetent, and lack a sense of accountability. It is quite common to blame someone else for your own mistakes, shortcomings, and flaws. It is easier to blame someone else for your problems rather than admit fault and take rectifying measures.
Today Citravasini taught me a new recipe for non-yeast rolls; she says the recipe can be adapted with any filling, whether cinnamon, cocoa, poppy seeds, or nuts. I will try to share it here with pictures. They resemble cinnamon rolls, and are prepared much in the same way yet omit yeast leavening. They are soft and tender due to the use of cottage cheese in the dough to condition it. Additionally, I am almost finished with another set of deity outfits, though, they are probably too small for the gurukul deities. I may have to alter the outfit in order to fit Their Lordships' height. I am not sure, however, I hope a good night's sleep will bring some ideas. Tomorrow, I plan to purchase textbooks, practice my instruments, and sew Deity outfits.

Krishna help me, my mind is thoroughly active and restless. Time is my enemy.  Even a thousand arms and heads would not accommodate me. If only I could expand myself to engage fully in each of my services. Lord of  all mystics, achieve this feat for me, please. 

The Jammin' Professor

Final exams are coming up; I am excited because I have prepared myself ahead of time. I still want to review some stuff for algebra. My jury is on the sixth, which means I have to practice, and focus more on violin. Unfortunately, I concentrate on academics more than music these days. I need to find the right balance.

A vacation is the most exciting prospect for me this winter. I cannot decide where I would like to go, but I know India probably is not feasible. I need to get some rest as soon as possible. I might take a week off with friends just to relax a bit and enjoy myself. I cannot wait until I have something to relay back to friends and family. I have plans to use a new sewing machine I recently inherited this winter, if nothing else. I have not really done any sewing with it, but I am anxious to get to it. Among my priority sewing projects are outfits for deities. I would like to sew a set each for smaller Gaura-Nitai and larger Jagannath Baladev Subhadra deities.

Today I got a compliment back from a peer who said I was always having adventures, and had something interesting to say. I like that. I like having adventures. Adventure suits me. I get into funny, awkward, or just strange situations sometimes. While normally these things might bother me, nowadays I just roll with the punches, go with the flow, and laugh at myself when necessary. Everything is funny when you take your head out of your ass and laugh.

I had a silly dream last night involving my English professor. I was in a frenzy to speak privately with her, but it just was not a good time for her. She told me several times, "Madri, this isn't a good time for me. Can you come during office hours? Make an appointment." and so on. I would not have it though. I demanded "me" time urgently. I followed her into her next class, she sat down, and the professor (not her) started up his boom box, with a personally mixed tape of Mariachi, Banda, and Norteno music. Apparently my professor was taking a course at the college for fun, with this quirky guy at the wheel. The professor was a very tall, handsome, older black man. He was wearing a funny blazer with elbow patches that he promptly removed. He pulled out his drum pad and drumsticks, and started to jam out with the Mexican music while singing along. It was so captivating that I forgot about my urgent ordeal, and listened dumbfounded to the hysterical professor.

Much Needed R&R

I have a thesis for my topic due on Wednesday, which should be easy enough because I have read half a dozen articles. I have yet to arrange an interview with anyone. This is a cry for help. If you or anyone you know is a member of a car club, please email me. I would like to interview you/your friend/relative for my research paper. Why did I choose car clubs? Well, when I searched academic databases for scholarly articles on car clubs, I found relatively little about it. There were plenty of car culture, and car customization, but not too many scholarly articles about car clubs in particular. I have curious, also, extremely curious about the fascination with car clubs. I've seen plenty riding around East Dallas, Pleasant Grove, North Dallas, and Oak Cliff but I don't know anyone personally who is a car club member or associates with any car club organization. I have a couple neighbors who are members of a car club but they have not responded back to me. I wonder if I seem like a creeper. I would hope not. Why would anyone want to investigate car culture and car club subculture?

On another note, I have been having strange dreams again. I suppose it has something to do with my lack of sleep that whenever I can sleep my body immediately jumps into deep sleep. I am currently investigating different sleep aids: natural, therapeutic, and medicinal to help me sleep better. I have found a combination that kind of works for me, it just takes a long time to kick in, and it has to be a daily routine or it does not work well.

Sunday was the last day of Damodar month, Rasa Purnima, and Tulasi Saligram vivaha. It was also Chandaneswar prabhu’s lunar birthday. We made pizza for lunch and had a quiet family dinner for prabhu. After dinner, we got ready quickly and headed to the temple for the festivities. Mother Sudantika usually conducts Tulasi Devi’s arati ceremony, and she eagerly took leadership of Tulasi Devi’s wedding arrangements. There was an energetic and lively kirtan for Vrinda Devi, circumambulation of the greenhouse, prayers, and then dozens of bhaktas watered Tulasi Devi. After everything, I was really exhausted but happily headed home with a feeling of rejuvenation and contentment.

Resolute

This week I visited an academic advisor to help me decipher the course numbers on the Music Therapy degree plan, and now I know which courses correspond to those at TWU. Now, I can plan my schedule, get as many academic and music courses completed at my community college, and make some progress toward my desired degree. On other news, I am doing really well in History, Math, and English, and I am proud of myself. I thought History would sink me for sure, but I stuck with it and worked hard. I have not really practiced for Aural Skills this past week at all. I was too busy working on my last History essay, and it drained me of every drop of energy. 

Damodar month is slowly ending, and each day I feel like I am making spiritual progress. I have made new friends this month, and re-established lost connections with old friends. Sometimes I wonder if I make my relationships complicated intentionally. I do not know why I do it, but I know that it is very hard for me to trust people. Sometimes, I go out of my way to hide, and even push people away. I feel like only Krishna knows me, the real me, and that I can only trust Him and no one else. I do not know if this is right or wrong, or if it is the symptom of spiritual maturity or simply a defense mechanism due to false ego. However, I know that the scriptures say that our ultimate goal is Krishna, we should find no other shelter except Him, and until we have realized that all is in vain in the material sphere, we cannot progress into a special, spiritual relationship with Him. I guess that although I understand that Krishna is the Supreme Lord, the ultimate shelter and eternal friend, I still wonder if there is a special purpose for me on this planet. There is a reason Krishna gave me these particular skills, talents, and abilities. There is a reason Krishna has put me in this environment, with certain people, exposed to particular circumstances. I know there is not just chaos, but that I can learn a lesson from this. I am trying my best to seek out new experiences actively, to learn from my experiences, and capitalize on what I have learned. In order to do that though, I have to hone every skill in my possession. I cannot hide from myself anymore, either. I have to expose what I have been hiding from myself resolutely.

I pray constantly that Lord Balaram give me strength to pursue the unfathomable path of devotion. I cannot weather the obstacles and trials alone; no, I need special guidance and loving care from a nurturing spiritual master.

Hell Yeah!

Lately, it has been my objective to express myself with a clear, strong, and confident voice. You can take that literally or figuratively, but chances are I'm on it.
A couple of years ago I made a goal to study music and practice my instruments: violin, harmonium, mridanga, and voice. Music became my sadhana, it was my yogic practice and breathing exercise combined. I prayed and offered respect to Goddess Saraswati, Lord Balaram, and my instruments for blessings. I sought out teachers, masters, and friends to guide and support me.
Voice, however, is the hardest instrument for me to have a command over. Even though I've been told I have a good voice, I've always enjoyed humming privately, and I wake up early in the morning to practice my scales, I still hesitate when it comes to singing in public.
This semester I registered for a sight singing and ear training class to change all of that. Suddenly, I am expected to sing in front of my peers and do it well. For good measure, I throw in some confidence with a dash of self-deprecating humour. My classmates are a load of laughs, incredibly talented, and down-to-earth folk. I don't think I could have happened upon better practice buddies.
I'm really thankful for this class.
I'm thankful that Lord Balaram guided me down this path.
I'm thankful to Goddess Saraswati who has shown me great favour.
There are a lot of things that suddenly make sense about me, realizations about my inner self, mind, and soul that are powerfully illuminating.
Love, anger, lust, and ego all make sense, but most of all my life path makes sense.
Recently a friend and mentor asked me, "Do you feel that your whole life has been leading up to this moment?"
You already know what I said.

Inner Guide

I am not intentionally avoiding writing but when I looked at the last post date, I was stunned. I couldn't believe that I would let my blog sit for over a week without any kind of update or at least a draft for something. I would like to write more but lately there is not much to write about. I'm in school, I'm doing well, and that is about it. The only downside to doing well is that it leaves little room for tangible improvement. I'm improving damn it but I have nothing to show for it except a more formalized instruction of things that I had to figure out for myself many years ago. I was talking to my adviser about this a few weeks ago and mentioned that I felt one of my classes was just a reassurance of theories and philosophies I had come up with through the years and realizations I had from past experiences. He said that was a good thing and I knew immediately that it was. There is nothing more rewarding that the feeling of confirmation especially when you have to figure out everything by yourself and without a support system. It is taxing, on the mind and on the body as well, to have to think your way out of everything. Alone. I was relieved to know that my course was like a huge pat on the back telling me I was headed in the right direction all along. There was no need to ever doubt myself but that is what happens when you feel alone or lack a network of support. You feel lost and estranged, you think you're probably screwing everything up and your mind will play dirty tricks on you. I just have to say that if you are in doubt it's helpful to ask someone who has been there or done that. Sometimes, however, it is not so easy to find someone knowledgeable or understanding enough to confide in-- that is, except for the Lord. Krishna is always there, the Adi-Guru is always present in our hearts, whatever you may address Him as, Sri Guru, The Holy Spirit, Paramatma, or inner conscience, it is there. Listen to your "Inner Guide".

Resolve

This blog post is directed mainly at  +Chandra Das but I'm posting it publicly because I want others to know what is going on lately and what I am thinking. I'm not really satisfied with the way I have been managing my time. I was exposed to extremely different lifestyles lately and got first hand experience, however; and I realized that in comparison to others, I was doing relatively well as far as productive activity goes.

There are a lot of people in this part of the world that believe "Time is money." As a youngster I very much disliked the phrase, feeling that only greedy and self-involved personalities were inclined to think this way. As I grew older and matured, I realised that Time, quite literally, is money and prevention is 90% of the cure and that the early bird really does get the worm and there is plenty of time to heal wounds but not to sit around doing nothing all day. So, I want to say that it's better to be be a little bit uptight about how you manage your time rather that sit around as if Time itself were waiting on you or complain about all the terrible things that happen to us in life, lamenting things that are out of one's control and thinking too much about solutions that will not manifest if we don't take matters into our own hands. Matters which could be easily resolved if one had some of his own resolve. As Srila BV Madhava Swami Maharaj would say, "You should have done yesterday."

Things that I want completed this year: I guess asking that my return to school go by effortlessly and without any struggle would be too much realistically but due to my naive and ideal mind I desire it even more.

I'm looking forward to re-dedicating ourselves to our health, education and general well-being. It may involve spiritual, emotional and other therapuetic methods and so bet it because that's better that sitting around and worrying about a tomorrow that may or may not come to pass. Particularly if it was something
we should have tackled yesterday. :P

Spiritual and ontological gaps and pitfalls are innately present within ISKCON and  present a  future danger to us and other devotees as well. We need to change our perspective in many ways and it may require us to do deeper research within our scriptural evidences to provide alternate avenues of action within Krishna Consciousness. We need more broad perspective and depth into Gaudiya philosophy rather that blindly accepting ISKCON idiom and mindset. Sometimes the advice to just chant Hare Krishna is not enough, what ever happened to the method of acquiring and accessing adhikaar? And advising or seeking advise accordingly? Why did Krishna ask Arjun to take direct action? Why did he bother instructing Arjun as to the many courses of action and their respective consequences or reactions? Maybe these are a few issues that are better directed at our spiritual masters but some are managerial. I'd like to take steps into analyzing these inherently structural problems and brainstorming for solutions that can be adapted by the general body of Vaishnavas.
I feel like I've held all this inside my brain, mind and heart for so many years and it has finally come bursting forth much like a gushing river mouth. I simply can not hold it any longer and, much like a river, I feel it is best to let her run with minimal interference. If my thoughts have overwhelmed you, please don't mind. I myself realise that like a baby calf learning to use her legs, I may not yet know how to walk but I have a good idea of where I'm headed and what I will do once I arrive. Once I get a running start, I will be unstoppable!

Hare Krishna.