Drowning in the Ocean of Material Existence

My offering to Srila Rtadhavaj Swami on the occassion of his Vyasa Puja:

শ্রী-রূপ-মঞ্জরী-পদ, সেই মোর সম্পদ,

সেই মোর ভজন-পূজন

সেই মোর প্রাণ-ধন, সেই মোর আভরণ,

সেই মোর জীবনের জীবন

To my beloved Spiritual Masters,

I am drowning in the ocean of material existence. I have to take a moment to let that sink in and remind myself of this harsh reality.
As a child, I didn't have many playmates or friends. As a result, I often imagined or fantasized. Many times, I would daydream about happy moments with my only friend, my imaginary friend. At night I cried myself to sleep and begged the Lord to make my wish come true. "Please, my Sweet Lord, please let me be Your friend. I have no companion except for You. Please be my friend."
As a five or six-year old child, I never imagined that I would one day encounter a rich theology and practice that accepted and encouraged this type of relationship with the Almighty. It certainly seemed strange to my immediate relatives so I kept my yearnings secret and hidden.
Lacking friends, I imagined that the Lord Himself would befriend me, but I knew it was only possible in the hereafter. I imagined that we would play leapfrog, frolic in the grass, climb trees, catch crickets and go for a swim in the creeks. I would never be tired or unhappy as long as I was in the company of my Best Friend. He would be my eternal companion.
Lacking guidance and proper counsel, I prayed, hoped and fantasized about a perfectly wise and benevolent soul to mentor and guide me. I begged the Lord to reveal that person, that perfect sage and ever well-wisher to my material eyes. I hoped that I wouldn't have to wait until the afterlife to meet him.
Some nights, as I knelt before my altar and prayed before an image of the Guardian Angel, I felt or heard a reassuring voice that soothed my heart and alleviated my distress. "You will see me." and "I will meet with you face to face."

Even in my wildest imaginations I never thought that the entity I simplistically identified as the Guardian Angel or the Holy Spirit would manifest or reveal himself in my lifetime. I was broken and shattered inside for many years and my faith gradually dwindled. What were the chances that, if such a perfected  being existed, the Lord would reveal that person to me and grant me the opportunity to associate with him personally?
The Lord works in mysterious ways, they say. In order to shatter my doubts and reestablish my faith, the Lord not only revealed His most confidential servant, the jagat-guru, Srila Prabhupada, He also revealed His confidential pastimes, Names, instructions, and associates to me.

I am now confident that I will one day play with Krishna. It shall one day come to pass. It may take millions of births but I am certain of this truth for only one reason: it is certain because the Lord has revealed to me the many splendorous manifestations of Sri Guru. I have seen them and met them face to face.
And so it happens that I am no longer drowning the ocean of material existence. I am frolicking happily in the forest of Braj hand in hand with Krishna-- it is solely a matter of time.

Spiritual Intonation

Lately I have been contemplating my life more carefully, and sometimes it feels like Krishna has different plans for me entirely. I have been very social lately; I have forged new friendships and cultivated those relationships. Unfortunately, I have noticed a pattern that remains constant throughout. Whenever I attempt to forge closer relationships, the Lord, ever the expert arranger, shatters my expectations and hope.

I know that Srila Rupa Goswamipad says in Sri Upadeshamrita that we should cultivate loving relationships, reciprocate affection, and confide in other Vaishnavas. However, I have experienced that typically, they are the ones that break my heart and hurt me the most. I can only liken it to fine-tuning an instrument, or adjusting a signal or radio frequency. Usually, you can hear a slight dissonance when your instrument is out of tune. You attempt to fine-tune your instrument, or focus the signal, and usually, after a few attempts, you can have a clear, focused, and strong sound or signal.

When I first met devotees, I thought they were amazing individuals; they were impressive personalities: charming, loving, and wise. Some of them even struck me as perfected souls, enlightened representatives of the Lord sent to show compassion and love.I saw flickering images of their personality and character. As I tried to focus or strengthen relationships with with them, however, I have only received heartache and pain. I notice that they are flawed, hurtful, and selfish individuals just like ordinary materialistic men.

Perhaps I simply picked up the wrong frequency, but I fear that I set my expectations too high. I misconstrued the flickers and glimpses. I saw glimpses of a life, persona, or character that were just a farce. Just as an actor in a drama plays a romanticized and idealized hero based on fantasy and loft, they were fictional roles. The closer I move in, I feel, the more distorted, depraved, and grotesque the image. The more I am frightened, repulsed, and appalled. The more I retreat, or feel pushed away. Am I simply picking up interference? Adjusting the wrong frequency?  

One realization is comforting, although it does not alleviate my emotional anguish. I know He is the only constant, loyal, and loving friend. Everything and everyone else crumbles beneath His lotus feet. Everything erodes, dissolves, and dissipates-- only Krishna remains.

More Realizations

Lately, I've been spending a lot of time with my personal journal, one of the reasons I'm blogging less these days. I've acquired several diaries over the years from friends and family and started journal keeping in all of them. Over the years my writing was scattered over several journals, if you wanted a complete understanding of my life, you'd need all seven or eight or... I lost count. It's ridiculous, that's not even counting the composition books and notebooks I purchased on my own. I decided a while back that I would finish writing in one journal exclusively before moving onto the next one, reverting back to their chronological order in which they were received. I'm writing in the black duct-taped one now, I'm lining it in pencil so I can also work on my penmanship. I'm also practicing my Bengali along with my English alphabet to refine my handwriting and make it something more consistent. I found a nice website about Italics and other handwriting that I'd like to share with you-- Italic Handwriting Directory-- it is really neat and a great place to admire lovely penmanship, even if you're not familiar with calligraphy, you'll certainly fall in love with the beautiful style and elegance therein.

Right now I'm working on a cardigan called Chevron Lace cardigan, the pattern is available from the crafter herself at her blog, it's a wonderful site but unfortunately it's inactive. You can still find her patterns at Ravelry and I love the simple cardigan pattern so far. Still making several doilies in the Autumn Reflections pattern. And yes, I really do need that many doilies. Why in the world am I working a cardigan in the middle of spring? It has occurred to me that it's best to work your winter patterns in the spring or summer, that way you get more time to plan and make changes to your finished work before it's ready to wear. Also, I desired a caplet or shawl for hanging around the house, it's not so strange if you think about it. Over here in the land of central air conditioning and wooden crawl spaces, the houses are always chilly, drafty or just plain freezing. Especially in the summer.

Last night I got really sick with food poisoning and even though I was deathly ill, somehow I still managed to meditate and focus on the Holy Name. Sri Harinam helps me a lot when I'm in trouble, ill, mentally or emotionally disturbed. I chant constantly, aloud or silently, and beg the Name to reveal truth to my heart. I prayed and cried out to the Lord, I wanted mental clarity and strength. When I get sick, I start to panic and fear the worst case scenario, panicking only worsens my condition, so I try my best to control my mind. I tried my best to chant, keep myself calm and surrendered to the shelter of Sri Nityananda Swarup.
Of course, I always get these really wonderful realizations, it seems kind of macabre to say it but the day afterward, I relish it. I can reflect on the Lord's mercy and how he reveals Himself at our weakest hours. Last night's realizations were exactly what I was praying for these past several months. I couldn't unlock this code for the life of me. I knew it would  take a huge blow to the head for it to sink in, and boy, was I right! The Lord is so merciful, if you simply cry, beg, plead with a sincere heart for His shelter, He'll make proper arrangements and reveal tattva to you when the time is appropriate. Another thing I realized, it's through the process of purging that we rid ourselves of impurities, sometimes we have to endure that painful process, since we have so many anarthas in our hearts, it takes a long time. With forbearance and determination we can make it to our desired goal but we pray for the spriritual strength and endurance of Lord Nityananda Ram, otherwise the journey is implausible. We just have to keep on trekking, no matter what. Determination, patience and enthusiasm- that is the instruction of Sri Rupa Goswamipad.

Jay Sri Sri Guru Gouranga! Jay Nityananda Balaram! Jaya Sri Hari nama!
♫ Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare Hare Ram Hare Ram Ram Ram Hare Hare ♪

Mercy Killing

Again this morning I'm struggling with my mind and thoughts of suicide. The other day, yesterday actually, I found an old letter from Catherine Linebarger, as if by instinct, and the contents brought me to tears. Its dated 11.27.00, from almost eleven years ago and still going strong! I've reprinted it here with the authors permission for you. I hope it lends the reader love and light as it has done for me throughout the years, giving me strength to continue the fight.

Melissa,                                                                                                      11.27.00

This is your best friend Kat. You know you love me =). I never tell you how much you mean to me but you mean a lot. I always worry about you. I don't know why. You are the first person I have truly been afraid for. I know your life isn't the best but there is a reason God put you with those people. I really care about you and it scares me when you talk about suicide. Even if you don't mean it, the thought is in your head too much for it to be a joke. I always pray for you. I don't understand what you believe only that you know God is there. I accept whoever you are and you are a great person who seems to confuse me the more I get to know you. I will never know who you really are; you have so many sides. I don't mind. Your friendship is worth the time it takes to get to know you. The Real you. =)

♥† -Kat-

I've been wrestling with my depression and feelings of hopelessness for twenty years, on my own with no therapy or drugs (to speak of) and still to this day its a battle that is increasingly tough to fight.  Every time I spiral downward it seems I grow weaker and my situation becomes more hopeless. With each battle I grow more but I'm also thoroughly exhausted and left with little, if any, will to continue the fight. Each moment further deteriorates my defenses and I find myself praying and begging for a sudden death. "Please Lord, take me out of my misery, please euthanize me."

As much as I dwell on death or suicide, I can't go through with it, not now at least. Over the years I have concluded that I'm too much of a coward to go through with it anyway. Right now I have my dear husband and sweet son to care for, without them I have no life, no friends, no love to speak of. I pray for mental relief and strength to control the mind. Patience, strength, time. I know this spell will pass eventually; given its temporary nature, everything in the material existence, matter and subtle matter alike dissipate into Eternal Time. Until then, I acknowledge Śri Krishna as the only Eternal and Complete Truth and therefore my only shelter-- so, I simply beg the Lord to release me from my miserable condition, somehow or other. This body is a burden, growing more tired, weak and restless everyday. It  would be a mercy killing, after all. I take shelter and remember this verse, speaking directly to my mind and soul, I beg them to accept virtuous truth:

vaco vegam manasa-krodha vegam

jihwa vegam udaropastha vegam

etan vegan yo visaheta dhirah

sarvam apinam prithivim sa sishyat

Whomever can control the urges of speech, mind, anger, tongue, belly and gentials can establish disciples all over the world (conquer the world). -Srila Rupa Goswami

Śrī Rādhā-kuṇḍa

This morning I reached for the Sri Radha Kunda mati instead of the gopi-chandan to put on my tilak. It wasn't a conscious decision, really; usually, I just grab whatever is available in the morning, usually its still dark. Today, as I picked up the chunk of Sri Radha Kunda, I began thinking about how fortunate I am to have bathed in the sacred pond, apply the mud on my body and even, though fleetingly, remember that abode, form, pastimes and wonderfulbhagavats that serve and worship there. I want to share this particular verse from Sri Upadeshamrita; although my meditation is weak and fleeting, maybe by reciting this verse and remembering the glories of Sri Radha Kunda, one day I will be able to fully immerse my mind, body and soul in service and meditation upon that nectar-ocean.

The holy place known as Mathurā is spiritually superior to Vaikuṇṭha, the transcendental world, because the Lord appeared there. Superior to Mathurā-Purī is the transcendental forest of Vṛndāvana because of Kṛṣṇa's rāsa-līlā pastimes. And superior to the forest of Vṛndāvana is Govardhana Hill, for it was raised by the divine hand of Śrī Kṛṣṇa and was the site of His various loving pastimes. And, above all, the superexcellent Śrī Rādhā-kuṇḍa stands supreme, for it is overflooded with the ambrosial nectarean prema of the Lord of Gokula, Śrī Kṛṣṇa. Where, then, is that intelligent Person who is unwilling to serve this divine Rādhā-kuṇḍa, which is situated at the foot of Govardhana Hill?