Monday, September 26, 2011

Mercy Killing

Again this morning I'm struggling with my mind and thoughts of suicide. The other day, yesterday actually, I found an old letter from Catherine Linebarger, as if by instinct, and the contents brought me to tears. Its dated 11.27.00, from almost eleven years ago and still going strong! I've reprinted it here with the authors permission for you. I hope it lends the reader love and light as it has done for me throughout the years, giving me strength to continue the fight.

Melissa,                                                                                                      11.27.00
This is your best friend Kat. You know you love me =). I never tell you how much you mean to me but you mean a lot. I always worry about you. I don't know why. You are the first person I have truly been afraid for. I know your life isn't the best but there is a reason God put you with those people. I really care about you and it scares me when you talk about suicide. Even if you don't mean it, the thought is in your head too much for it to be a joke. I always pray for you. I don't understand what you believe only that you know God is there. I accept whoever you are and you are a great person who seems to confuse me the more I get to know you. I will never know who you really are; you have so many sides. I don't mind. Your friendship is worth the time it takes to get to know you. The Real you. =)

I've been wrestling with my depression and feelings of hopelessness for twenty years, on my own with no therapy or drugs (to speak of) and still to this day its a battle that is increasingly tough to fight.  Every time I spiral downward it seems I grow weaker and my situation becomes more hopeless. With each battle I grow more but I'm also thoroughly exhausted and left with little, if any, will to continue the fight. Each moment further deteriorates my defenses and I find myself praying and begging for a sudden death. "Please Lord, take me out of my misery, please euthanize me."

As much as I dwell on death or suicide, I can't go through with it, not now at least. Over the years I have concluded that I'm too much of a coward to go through with it anyway. Right now I have my dear husband and sweet son to care for, without them I have no life, no friends, no love to speak of. I pray for mental relief and strength to control the mind. Patience, strength, time. I know this spell will pass eventually; given its temporary nature, everything in the material existence, matter and subtle matter alike dissipate into Eternal Time. Until then, I acknowledge Śri Krishna as the only Eternal and Complete Truth and therefore my only shelter-- so, I simply beg the Lord to release me from my miserable condition, somehow or other. This body is a burden, growing more tired, weak and restless everyday. It  would be a mercy killing, after all. I take shelter and remember this verse, speaking directly to my mind and soul, I beg them to accept virtuous truth:

vaco vegam manasa-krodha vegam
jihwa vegam udaropastha vegam
etan vegan yo visaheta dhirah
sarvam apinam prithivim sa sishyat

Whomever can control the urges of speech, mind, anger, tongue, belly and gentials can establish disciples all over the world (conquer the world). -Srila Rupa Goswami
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