I'd Like To Say

I've spent my entire weekend reading, writing, and revising my psychology paper about correlational studies on anxiety disorders and suicidal ideation and suicide attempts. While i thought the information shows an overwhelming correlation between baseline anxiety disorder and suicide risk, I also felt that there needed to be more research on comorbidity within anxiety, mood, substance abuse, and personality disorder because comorbid disorders show the highest risk for suicidal behavior and strongest correlation in suicide attempts. Only about 10% of suicides are attributable to anxiety disorders, but this number is still significant. This is to say the research is invaluable, but moreover I think there should be further studies researching specific anxiety symptoms, cognitions, and behaviors, so clinicians would better serve their patients in managing and treating their disorders.
Another thing, PTSD has the strongest correlation to suicide risk, and this should be another longitudinal study in itself due to the high volume of veterans returning home from the war. There will be ample populations to study, and if comorbidity is present, researchers to focus on finding specific blah blah blah. My brain has shut off.
On another note, psychological autopsies should be improved, there needs to be a more effective method of quantifying the percentage of anxiety-related suicides, and investigating the mechanisms of anxiety symptoms and their effect on sufferers.

Composite Composition

When I first saw you I didn't think much of you. That quickly changed when I heard you speak. I was fixated on your voice. I could listen to you speak for hours. At one point I had to delete all your lectures from my electronic device. I hoped, foolishly, that this would control my urges.

There's something mysteriously magnetic about you. I have to admit that I have fantasized about you on more than one occasion. Did you ever sense a change in my demeanor during the past few months? I've slowly tried to prevent myself from forming attachments to you. I hope you understand.

I first developed feelings for you after our first session together. I couldn't stand your intellectual abilities. You quickly deciphered that I wanted to avoid speaking about my fucking feelings and tried to change topics. I don't have feelings for you. Otherwise, I would have felt an attraction to you sooner.

At times I wish we could see each other the side. In fact, I've contemplated rearranging my entire schedule and schools simply to get closer to you. I hope an opportunity presents itself at some point. Can we ever just be friends? I certainly don't think so... I've learned that I'm great at improvising charm and magnetism when I want to. It's dangerous..

Why can't we just have sex on the side and just keep things casual and uncomplicated? Is there a reason why this isn't possible beside our spouses, lovers or social injunctions? I really think this is a bunch of bullshit.

I really miss you and sometimes I lie awake thinking about you. I wonder what you're doing, or what you're wearing, or who you're with, and if you're truly happy? Are you happy? I don't know if you're toying with me or really sincere. I'm really insecure about it. Does it matter if I'm not sincere because sometimes I like playing games. Do you want play with me?

Secret Admirer

I’m sure you know that I’m completely infatuated with you. I feel I have to tell you this. I’m not sure why, but I feel an overwhelming fear that I’ll hold on to this and that it will crush me. The other day you made excessive eye contact (for me) and this made me highly uncomfortable. I enjoyed it, I wanted more but the longer I stared into your expansive, deep, loving eyes, I felt myself falling into that ocean of infatuated madness yet again. I felt as if you cast a spell on me and I remained transfixed within your wonderfully refreshing gaze willfully. I lost myself within your eyes and I couldn't find my way out. I avoided you recently; I wanted to avoid drowning in that ocean yet again. I avoided conversation though all I ever wanted was your attention. I captured your attention and then neglected you again.

Can we start over? This time I promise to play by the rules and reciprocate every gesture of interest. I woke up several nights in a row restless, anxious, and thinking of you. Typically, I’m only anxious when I face a stressful challenge, which begs the question: are you my latest hurdle and how? I believe I want to seduce you, but I’m also deeply troubled by our mutual lack of time and opportunity. Indeed, this is only a fraction of the obstacles involved. The implications and ramifications are of even greater risk to you for obvious reasons. I have to remind myself frequently that you’re my instructor, a respectable person, and a public figure. Can I have you? How? Is my age an issue? Do you have expectations of me? What nature relationship can we have without negatively impacting your career, life and family? Is there one?

No Apologies

I just had the most beautiful dream about forgiveness, Vaishnava humility, jealousy and false pride. It involved many devotees from the temple here in Dallas so I won't name everyone. Simply said, they were persons who I felt were responsible for making me feel unwelcome or excluded from temple festivals and the exclusive clique within the social hierarchy.

It all started when a sannyasi came to Dallas and we all traveled to a place near the ocean for a special festival. Many of us were playing water sports on sandbars and small islands where the water was shallow and placid. Most of the girls kept on their saris in the water so a devotee (in charge of the festival) let them borrow her skirts, saris and petticoats during the games. She approached me last to retrieve her clothing but I declined to return anything as she hadn't let me borrow anything in the first place. She insisted that I took her petticoat and a garment and I became increasingly frustrated with her.

I had invited my close friend, Ramon, to the colorful and vibrant celebration but did't expect him to attend. It was late in the festival hours and in his typical and usual fashion, he arrived unexpectedly and stole the ball. The devotee guests didn't expect to see a non-devotee within their midst and they were taken in by his cultured charm. He played games with everyone and chess with the sannyasi guest-of-honor and spoke at length with many doe-eyed gopi youth. At some point, the girls fought each other off for an opportunity to converse with Ramon. I wondered if they knew he was already taken, and gay. All the while, I stood nonchalantly and watched the big fuss from a distance. Though he was my invited guest and closest friend, I hardly had a chance to speak with him because all our movements were highly coordinated and controlled by the director of the festival. My assignment was to look beautifully poised in an incredibly gaudy and tacky sari, outside and far away from the real party.  

Breaking with accepted decorum, I took my friend by the hand away and excused ourselves from his company. "Listen, Ramon, I'm not going to beat around the bush with you because we're close friends. I'll be straight forward with you in hopes you'll be understanding." I asked him to no longer speak to any of those girls and spend the entire evening with me. If he could not agree to abstain from socializing at the party, I requested him to leave. The other devotee guests became disturbed after overhearing my proposition. Though Ramon and I had left the room, a few of them were eavesdropping on our conversation at the doorway. I was painfully aware of that situation, however, I was not aware that our sannyasi guest was resting quietly in his private room, assigned solely to him by our ever-competent festival director. 

Maharaj, hearing my selfish plea and perplexed by my actions, asked, "What's going on? You invited him to the festival and now you're asking him to leave?" I said to the sannyasi, "Please understand my reasons and do not judge me without hearing my side of the situation. I will humbly submit my case before you and after hearing carefully, you can judge me with a fair and balanced mind." Maharaj made a grand gesture and beckoned inside to hear 'Madri's side of the story'. I calmly retreated into my mind and quickly made my case.

"I know my friend is talented, charming, and social-able  I was so myself in my youth. That is why I admired him and we became instant friends. Though I'm  young, I feel old and worn out now. Nobody seeks out my company at parties anymore; no, in fact, no one even invites me to their parties. The fact that I'm standing here is testament to this: I was assigned to mingle outside near the ocean and add to the spectacular view." I looked down at my hideous sari and posed mockingly. Maharaj laughed hysterically and some guests snickered under their breath.

 "Maybe there was a hint of jealousy in my actions, I admit, but honestly who wouldn't feel the same? My friend suddenly shows up after years of not seeing him and they snatch him away from me. Then, I have to fight everyone off just to spend a moment alone with him! Wouldn't you be upset? The same people that treat me like I don't even exist! Everyone here has been mean and hurtful to me in the past and when I offer my sincere apologies and try to mend relationships with them, they turn up their noses at me.."  as I began to open up my heart, I  felt tears begin to form and I was becoming more emotional. "Excuse me, Maharaj."  I stopped in the middle of my speech, sat down in padmasana and performed a pranayam to calm the breath as Maharaj watched. 

I slowed down my heart and breath before I continued, "While apologizing, I usually become extremely upset to tears.  Seeing my vulnerability, or weakness, they harvest upon that opportunity to become more aggressive and accusational toward me instead of offering their forgiveness. So, if you expect me to apologize to these people, you'll be sadly disappointed because I believe in apologies." Maharaj there shocked and dismayed at my statements. Every one in the room remained silent and no one dared move an inch. The room was frozen in time and some individuals were touched by my words.

 "Rather than apologize to someone, Vaishnava or otherwise, I humbly submit myself before the Lord and beg His forgiveness as He knows the whole situation." I knelt down and prayed with folded hands, 'Kshama koro, Prabhu. Amar khama koro! I know I am full of fault but I rather stake my head with You. Please forgive me for being obstinate ' tears flowed freely from my eyes as I felt uninhibited even within a crowd. 

"While we call ourselves Vaishnavas, our behaviour is far from it. If you think I'm being too harsh, you have to only know my mistreatment in the past to understand why. An intelligent person doesn't repeat his mistakes after reaping the consequences. With that realization in mind, I respectfully decline to apologize and submit that my position is correct."

After hearing those words, many devotees appeared somberly aware of their wrongdoings to each other and apologized sincerely to one another. Many had tears in their eyes as they embraced and others just stood quietly, unable to render their thoughts to one another. After breaking up the gathering, Maharaj spoke with me and Ramon in private. We had a good laugh and discussed our many talents and interests: music, theatre, crafts, chess, culture and foreign language. Toward the evening, I received many thanks and apologies from devotees including--gasp-- our dictator, the festival director herself. She wanted to personally select and buy me a nice sari as a token of her appreciation.

Helicopter Crash

Last night I had the strangest dream. It's so hilarious that I decided to share it here even though I don't normally share dreams and things of a more intimate nature.

I was on a team of scientists doing research in a remote mountainous region. We had a base camp set up on the side of a mountain facing the ocean, it was ideal because it was the most accessible point and we could scout other locations from there using our nifty helicopter. A group of us set off for a smaller island off the coast about fifteen to twenty minutes east from our camp. Once we got there it was easy to see why we needed a helicopter to get there, the trek on foot would have easily taken several hours, though it was not very far, through steep moutain terrain and ridges with sheer drops into solid bedrock. As we neared the small island, we were shaken violently, strong winds were taking control of our helicopter and our pilot had no choice but to try to land or crash into the side of the mountain. We made a choppy landing onto the tiny island but our helicopter, still unstable, began to tip and sway. We jumped out and made a swim safely away from the island as we watched our helicopter blades hit the water and the rest slowly sank into the water. No one was injured, we all managed to escape the failing helicopter in time but were really shaken. Rather than panic, we took shelter of natural caves and waited for our team to come to our aid. We collected firewood and tinder for fires and settled in as night was upon us. While we waited, a small group sat stunned and traumatized on the hard bedrock and natural ridge formations near the shore and started to smoke gañja.

I pondered within myself, mockingly, if that was the real reason our helicopter crashed. I smiled and chuckled aloud a bit. My partner looked at me bemused and asked, "What's so funny?"  I suddenly wake up and blurt out, "The pilot must have been stoned." 

Mercy Killing

Again this morning I'm struggling with my mind and thoughts of suicide. The other day, yesterday actually, I found an old letter from Catherine Linebarger, as if by instinct, and the contents brought me to tears. Its dated 11.27.00, from almost eleven years ago and still going strong! I've reprinted it here with the authors permission for you. I hope it lends the reader love and light as it has done for me throughout the years, giving me strength to continue the fight.

Melissa,                                                                                                      11.27.00

This is your best friend Kat. You know you love me =). I never tell you how much you mean to me but you mean a lot. I always worry about you. I don't know why. You are the first person I have truly been afraid for. I know your life isn't the best but there is a reason God put you with those people. I really care about you and it scares me when you talk about suicide. Even if you don't mean it, the thought is in your head too much for it to be a joke. I always pray for you. I don't understand what you believe only that you know God is there. I accept whoever you are and you are a great person who seems to confuse me the more I get to know you. I will never know who you really are; you have so many sides. I don't mind. Your friendship is worth the time it takes to get to know you. The Real you. =)

♥† -Kat-

I've been wrestling with my depression and feelings of hopelessness for twenty years, on my own with no therapy or drugs (to speak of) and still to this day its a battle that is increasingly tough to fight.  Every time I spiral downward it seems I grow weaker and my situation becomes more hopeless. With each battle I grow more but I'm also thoroughly exhausted and left with little, if any, will to continue the fight. Each moment further deteriorates my defenses and I find myself praying and begging for a sudden death. "Please Lord, take me out of my misery, please euthanize me."

As much as I dwell on death or suicide, I can't go through with it, not now at least. Over the years I have concluded that I'm too much of a coward to go through with it anyway. Right now I have my dear husband and sweet son to care for, without them I have no life, no friends, no love to speak of. I pray for mental relief and strength to control the mind. Patience, strength, time. I know this spell will pass eventually; given its temporary nature, everything in the material existence, matter and subtle matter alike dissipate into Eternal Time. Until then, I acknowledge Śri Krishna as the only Eternal and Complete Truth and therefore my only shelter-- so, I simply beg the Lord to release me from my miserable condition, somehow or other. This body is a burden, growing more tired, weak and restless everyday. It  would be a mercy killing, after all. I take shelter and remember this verse, speaking directly to my mind and soul, I beg them to accept virtuous truth:

vaco vegam manasa-krodha vegam

jihwa vegam udaropastha vegam

etan vegan yo visaheta dhirah

sarvam apinam prithivim sa sishyat

Whomever can control the urges of speech, mind, anger, tongue, belly and gentials can establish disciples all over the world (conquer the world). -Srila Rupa Goswami

Abusive Teen Relationships

Today I watched the Tyra Banks show and realised how desperately Tyra is trying to make her show a serious talk-show the likes of Oprah। The topic was abusive teenage relationships, and the first couple on the show infuriated me so much, I wondered if there was any sense of balance or fairness in the world at all. The couple, Edwin and Leighann, both 17 year-olds, have been together for a while and have a son together. Immediately, Leighann describes a situation full of bloody violence which will lead one to wonder, "Where in the hell is the mother in all this?" Apparently, despite the "abuse" and mistreatment, this is the first time that Leighann's mother has even heard of it, despite her "suspicions". Then, as Edwin, mild-mannered and quiet, explains away his side of the story I quickly realized that the entire ethos was surcharged with one-sided blame put solely on the boy. He explains about how Leighann "antagonizes" him by screaming and shouting, and when that doesn't work, she will resort to physical tactics. Usually, the situation escalates from a relatively small arguement, where Leighann will try to dig in her heels, despite many relatively calm warnings from Edwin. When Edwin finally breaks down and punches or shoves Leighann back, Tyra along with her sycophant psychologist will point it out and focus solely on his "abusive" nature, and by use of degrading language like, "you're not a complete animal" try to convince him that he is a cold-hearted determined abuser of women, because he needs to feel "manly and in control". Basically, the message women are giving men is this: It's okay for women to run their mouths, even punch and shove men but if you hit her back, it's WRONG and you're an animal! It is never, never, never okay to put your hands on a woman-- really? Even if she batters you first? Where do we draw the line? I'm sure Edwin could call the police and file domestic abuse charges on his girlfriend. To me, it sounds like two teenagers fighting it out, like a couple of um... immature teenagers. Why does the mother allow her daughter to get involved in a sexual relationship anyway? Nobody asked Leighann why she has a two year old baby and is only 17 yrs old herself. Why doesn't anyone hold her accountable for her actions? Where are the equal rights in this? Never mind that, I know that there has to be some kind of psychological ramifications for this. Let's see it like this, a woman with two kids always takes the side of one son while the other is left out in the cold. Isn't easily to understand how this could seriously damage a person? This isn't just a hypothetical question, because we all know someone who had this kind of situation and suffered greatly for it. So, yes, right now we have an unlevel playing field, and women are basking in the bright rays "equal" rights, while men are being emasculated at every turn. Women are like bad dog trainers who rub the puppy dog's nose in his own poop or hit him on the nose with a rolled up newspaper and say, "No, bad dog! Bad dog!" We set this double standard and hold men responsible for their actions while women have no accountability. So yeah, let's punish the boy because he's a no-good, low-down, wife beater!