After carefully analyzing my dreams, and interpreting them by incorporating the intuitive feelings and sensations I felt during the dream, I have come to the conclusion that my last dream about my emergency Cesarean section, hysterectomy, and extending recovery means that I am undergoing a painful, intensive purge in my life. Significant are the two fathers, one appears to be of a Latino/Asian ethnicity, while the second is African or African American, both of which bear strong resemblances to romantic partners from my past. Both are invested into a future with me, and fight to verify paternity to my child. I wonder if my subconscious is trying to draw attention to my romantic or sexual life, especially with all the symbolism of losing my femininity, power, or sexuality (female reproductive organs, tissue, and c-section). Throughout the dream I seem more anxious about recovery, healing, and completing my procedure. I repeat this to everyone I encounter, my doctor, nurses, lovers, rapist, and strangers in the hospital. I am disgusted by the sanitary conditions within the hospital, but fail to notice it during the initial surgery (Cesarean section, and partial hysterectomy). After encountering the hospital the second time, when my medication wears off, I realise how dirty, dilapidated, and unhygienic the hospital rooms are. Baby is alive but I don't seem concerned about my offspring's well being. I am more concerned about myself. Is my unconscious trying to tell me I spend too much time worrying about others, and place no priority on my own health and well being? Am I overly worried and preoccupied with trivial issues, or the other way around? Some questions are still unclear.Some of the imagery during the dream reminds me of the graphic self-portraiture of Frida Kahlo, perhaps I should explore those feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, powerlessness, and loss more thoroughly.
Threw out my personal journals, in total chronicling approximately the past thirteen years of my life. Experiences with drugs, sex, spirituality, dreams, and loss that were integral to my spiritual, emotional, and psychological growth are all gone.
A strange dream, not yet analyzed:
I'm heavily pregnant at a music event when I collapse, and an ambulance is called for me. As I arrive at the hospital my doctor approaches me with my information, and asks permission for surgery.
The infant was delivered via emergency cesarean, as my life was in danger. My doctor assured me it was necessary, and I would be alright after the hysterectomy. I seemed un-phased by the loss of my sexual and reproductive organs. My womb was empty, no baby, no organs, and yet left the hospital to search for two possible fathers at the outdoor concert. I urged them both to hurry back to the hospital; additionally, I mentioned that my surgery was incomplete, and I needed to heal. As we arrive at the hospital, my drugs are wearing off, and I notice how unsanitary and contaminated the hospital beds are. The walls are dirty, floors covered in stained rags, there is exposed metal, wires, and crawl spaces throughout the hospital. Paternity and medical background checks for both men, they are more than agreeable.
Instruments were still inside me, and I could feel a hunk of metal inside my pelvis. I search the hospital for my surgeon in an attempt to complete the procedure and remove the re-tractors that are holding my remaining organs in place. A man approaches me in the hospital, and I could sense he was a sinister and wicked man. He attempted to sexually assault me, but instead of fighting him, I spoke to him calmly. I told him that he could try to rape me, but I had no female organs so I was not really a woman. I was just a shell of a woman, and I could potentially die from internal bleeding. It wouldn't be very appetizing, I suggested.
He seemed hesitant, as if he was disgusted by me. I took advantage of his indecision, and attacked him while he had his guard down. I gouged his left eye with my thumbs, then his right, then struck him repeatedly before ripping the left optic nerve from his eye socket, and squished it around in my hand. I felt delightful pleasure at the prospect of doing it again. "This will be fun. Again!" He writhed in pain from the shock and expired slowly. I stood there for a long time contemplating what else I could potentially do. I didn't have time, I had to find the surgeon, complete the surgery, and get back to the pressing issues in my life. I had two men in a heated battle over me and the newborn. Who would win? I did not care in the least, and I remained un-invested.
My schedule is really different this semester. I have a light school schedule throughout the week, but Friday is my lightest day of all. At the beginning of this semester, I was a bit frustrated that I could not schedule more classes, and had an hour gap between two classes. However, now I have found other activities to occupy my time at school, and manage my time there wisely. This way, I do not feel like I am commuting in vain, but accomplishing other things also. Yesterday morning I joined my friend Dolly and her friend Cheko in the gym for a morning workout. He is really helpful and knowledgeable, with a sense of humor. I also plan to practice piano for an hour on my break.
My theory class is pretty relaxed. Our professor gives us ample time to study, work, and inquire on our own time. Additionally, because we have students of different levels in the same class, we pair into small groups and work together. This is nice for me because it helps me recall and solidify my knowledge of music theory by helping my group mates.
We were discussing trustworthiness during class; I mentioned that people feel at ease around me, strangely, and often recount their personal troubles, trauma, or struggles to me. I told her and our group-mate that even complete strangers open up to me, tell me embarrassing, traumatic, and even incriminating stories about themselves, with no hesitation.
That is what finally pushed me toward the therapies, and why I decided to pursue music therapy as a career.
On the ride home, I met a young woman named Anabel on the bus. Anabel introduced herself briefly, and then told me about her troubled past, and hopeful future. Again, I was shocked at how much graphic, personal information she volunteered to me. Additionally, she reflected about her children's future and opportunities. I reassured her that she was a great parent; she was cultivating healthy, trusting relationships with her children, and that it would reap its rewards one day. I gave her my phone number, hoping that Anabel would call one day in search of a trustworthy friend.
it's not because I don't like you. it's not because I don't trust you. it's not because I don't respect you. it's not because I don't want your friendship it's not because you're not worth my time. it's not because I think I could do better. it's not because I think you're beneath me. it's not because I think it's waste of energy.
It's all of the above.
I don't like you. I don't trust you. I don't respect you. I don't want your friendship because You're not worth my time. I could do much better. You're beneath me and a waste of energy.
I bet you guys thought I was going to say some idiotic pseudo-inspirational, "It's not you it's me/I'm afraid of showing you the real me." self-conscious, emo-bull. Well, no, as a matter of fact I'm in the mood for validating my reasons and genuine feelings. So, in that sense I guess it is a little 'emo'. In all seriousness, though, I don't have time for certain things lately. I've cut back on a lot of indulgences and honestly, I didn't think I'd be able to sacrifice so much. I have a desire to serve more, read and write my devotional feelings. Krishna Consciousness is hard. Really. You have to push yourself constantly or you don't grow. You fall stagnant and lazy and dull. DULL. I heard someone say once that the body can endure all kinds of conditions, you just have to push yourself. It's a matter of conquering the mind and I believe Krishna Consciousness is exactly the same. We don't push ourselves. We're lazy and dull-headed. Some even more than others. I don't mind if you share this rant but please link back to my blog. Busy day today, that's all I have time for this entry. Sorry, everyone, I haven't been keeping up with the blog and I apologize sincerely. I will try and transfer some of my personal journal entries into the blog so you know what I've been thinking and writing lately. They're mostly prayers and stuff like that but it's appropriate for this blog so I'll go ahead and bring it in. Hare Krishna, yo.
We will be beginning today to address a number of social and cultural topics. The first topic will be abortion. To start off, let us say that abortion has been one of the greatest Holocausts of the past half century, and has resulted in the brutal murder of millions and millions of unborn babies in the womb. This is directly a result of the women's liberation movement, or feminism. If feminists claim to be fighting for the good of society, for "equal rights", then how can they support such genocide as this? The blood of all of these murdered babies directly rests on the dirty hands of these feminists, or femnazis, as I like to call them. What in the hell makes these vicious women think that they have the right to commit murder?
Basically, if you cannot handle the responsibility of raising children, then you have no business having sex. Sex is meant for procreation.
The only real arguement that the feminists and pro-choice people put forward is, "Well, what if a woman gets raped? Shouldn't she be allowed abortion as a choice?".
Only in rare cases, when it is proven that a woman has actually been raped WITHOUT CONSENT, then could abortion be considered as an option. Maybe if modern women didn't walk around in public half-nude, wearing a miniskirt, and drunk, then they wouldn't have to worry so much about getting raped. If women actually behaved in a chaste way, then naturally the chances of rape would be reduced dramatically. How can women behave like prostitutes and expect to not get raped? For example, in a muslim country, women cover their full body and head. Rape is also a much less common incident in such a conservative society. Of course, on hearing this, some women will scream "Oh God, this is so sexist and misogynistic!" But my question is, which is better? To be a "sexist" or to be a murderer (by murdering your unborn children)?
This is a matter of simple logic. It doesn't take a genuis to figure this out.
And another reason why abortion is stupid is because the psychology of women is such that unless they have children, they remain unsatisfied, much like a barren field. It is the natural role of women to be mothers, and to deny this is to deny their most basic instincts. The female body is designed to produce children, and to raise children. The nature of women is such that unless they give birth to children, they will feel unfulfilled and unhappy.
Tomorow's topic? Yet to be decided.
Wonderful! I love this enthusiasm, I have just two questions. Corey, you mention that abortion is a direct result of the feminist/women's liberation movement but factually this is not true. What about the thousands of forced secret abortions preformed by Catholic priests? There have been many cases like this, a young girl gets pregnant by some boy or raped, then her parents take her to the local Catholic priest who will then insert a sharp object into her womb to remove the fetus. My own mother told me this was common in poor Latin counties. Nowadays, you don't have to visit the church to get your abortion is true, you can stop by a fancy office building with fresh flowers, magazines, and pretty paintings, where you can do it-- it's called OBGYN. It is not true that abortion is a byproduct of modern western culture, the fact is that abortion has been around for hundreds of years. You also mentioned that rape would be less common is women would dress and behave in a chaste manner, this is also not true. To say that most women get raped because they dress in revealing clothes and "walk around drunk" is just fanaticism and truly ignorant. I wonder then, if Muslim counties have so much stricture on women's dress codes, why then are there so many rapes in these countries as well? There are hundreds of women and young girls who are raped on a daily basis, and in counties like Pakistan these rapes are often perpertrated by military and priests and defended by the law. It is no secret that fanatical Arab Muslims can not resist the opportunity to beat and rape women-- Muslim and Western, for not wearing a veil or "because her brother is an adulterer". What about the Muslim priests who abuse and rape young girls just for fun? Is this okay too, is that demoniac behaviour alright? And, what happens if she speaks up to the authorities about being raped? She will get beaten for engaging in "adultery" and she is only victimized again by the government and law. In your blog, you go on and on talking about how you were "misguided" by religious extremists within ISKCON and that you didn't mean to say those horrible things but the fact is that you are still sticking to those statements. So, either you take accountability for your statements or admit your wrong-doing but you can't have it both ways. You can't say you were misguided and brain-washed and keep saying this nonsense and then expect everyone to forgive you and say, "Oh it's okay, he was being brainwashed. Poor, poor, Corey. He's a victim afterall." No one in his right mind would say the things you do just because, "someone told me to" there is a limit to stupidity, you have to take responsibility for your actions and use your intelligence- that is if you have any.
There are some links you might want to read, rape by the hands of Muslims is not very rare within the Muslim counties or in the West. http://atlasshrugs2000.typepad.com/atlas_shrugs/2009/05/palestinian-muslim-rapes-6-year-old-girl-in-israel.html http://fjordman.blogspot.com/2005/08/rape-nothing-to-do-with-islam.html http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/285138/muslim_man_who_raped_muslim_woman_as.html?cat=17 http://www.geocities.com/capitolhill/parliament/3251/spring99/pakistan.html http://www.ahrchk.net/ua/mainfile.php/2008/2721/ http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/south_asia/7947458.stm
Today I watched the Tyra Banks show and realised how desperately Tyra is trying to make her show a serious talk-show the likes of Oprah। The topic was abusive teenage relationships, and the first couple on the show infuriated me so much, I wondered if there was any sense of balance or fairness in the world at all. The couple, Edwin and Leighann, both 17 year-olds, have been together for a while and have a son together. Immediately, Leighann describes a situation full of bloody violence which will lead one to wonder, "Where in the hell is the mother in all this?" Apparently, despite the "abuse" and mistreatment, this is the first time that Leighann's mother has even heard of it, despite her "suspicions". Then, as Edwin, mild-mannered and quiet, explains away his side of the story I quickly realized that the entire ethos was surcharged with one-sided blame put solely on the boy. He explains about how Leighann "antagonizes" him by screaming and shouting, and when that doesn't work, she will resort to physical tactics. Usually, the situation escalates from a relatively small arguement, where Leighann will try to dig in her heels, despite many relatively calm warnings from Edwin. When Edwin finally breaks down and punches or shoves Leighann back, Tyra along with her sycophant psychologist will point it out and focus solely on his "abusive" nature, and by use of degrading language like, "you're not a complete animal" try to convince him that he is a cold-hearted determined abuser of women, because he needs to feel "manly and in control". Basically, the message women are giving men is this: It's okay for women to run their mouths, even punch and shove men but if you hit her back, it's WRONG and you're an animal! It is never, never, never okay to put your hands on a woman-- really? Even if she batters you first? Where do we draw the line? I'm sure Edwin could call the police and file domestic abuse charges on his girlfriend. To me, it sounds like two teenagers fighting it out, like a couple of um... immature teenagers. Why does the mother allow her daughter to get involved in a sexual relationship anyway? Nobody asked Leighann why she has a two year old baby and is only 17 yrs old herself. Why doesn't anyone hold her accountable for her actions? Where are the equal rights in this? Never mind that, I know that there has to be some kind of psychological ramifications for this. Let's see it like this, a woman with two kids always takes the side of one son while the other is left out in the cold. Isn't easily to understand how this could seriously damage a person? This isn't just a hypothetical question, because we all know someone who had this kind of situation and suffered greatly for it. So, yes, right now we have an unlevel playing field, and women are basking in the bright rays "equal" rights, while men are being emasculated at every turn. Women are like bad dog trainers who rub the puppy dog's nose in his own poop or hit him on the nose with a rolled up newspaper and say, "No, bad dog! Bad dog!" We set this double standard and hold men responsible for their actions while women have no accountability. So yeah, let's punish the boy because he's a no-good, low-down, wife beater!
