Fantasy and Nightmare

I’m in my room now. I must have gotten up around 3:30am. I lied in bed for about an hour thinking about you and talking to you. I told you about a nightmare I had. I had your full attention. This is my fantasy. I began with the most detailed aspects of the dream first, I jotted something down and you read it and gave a critique while I regaled you. You nodded and I continued to tell you about my dream: it was terrifying. I was alone and encumbered (as per usual) with a dozen things. I saw you walking around my new apartment building so I stopped to say, “Hello”  but you were too engaged and focused on something/someone else. I grew despondent and a bit jealous and bitter so I left and went to my apartment. When I was there, I realized that I had forgotten something and I needed to leave immediately to retrieve it before my next engagement. I left my apartment, with all my things strapped to my body, and headed for the store. On my way out, someone stopped me and asked me for help, so I stopped momentarily before I realized there was nothing I could do to remedy the situation so I decided to keep moving.

At the store, I looked around for a cart and tried to remove some of my belongings. There, at the entrance, stood a man, handsome and tall and eternally transfixed on my being. He gave me an eerily piercing gaze and I shuddered. I tried to leave quickly but he approached me and began jeering me in the most unpleasant manner. I could not leave somehow, or didn’t want to appear frightened, so I stayed in the store. He continued speaking but changed his tone to more of a supplication of sorts.

He told me that I was the most captivating creature he’d ever seen and that I ‘belonged’ to him. He said that I should accompany him to his home and stay with him. His tone and directness terrified me somehow. Then, I saw you in the store; you were wearing plain clothes: a t-shirt and bermudas or sweatpants so I ran to you, seeking your protection but again you were preoccupied and unaware of me. It was as if I could do nothing to get your attention. That was my nightmare.

I left the store alone in hopes to get away from the man but he pursued me and became more forceful and aggressive with me. At that moment, flustered and hopeless, I dropped my belongings and closed distance with my attacker. I fought him until he was on the ground and berated him with insults. I got a second wind and showered him with more blows until he begged me to stop. I couldn’t stop. I wanted him to breathe his last… I wanted to see the life exit his body. I was determined to see him dead. I can’t remember the rest of the dream, only that I met you again and I begged you to make love to me. You didn't pay attention to me otherwise.

Behind The Mask

Yesterday I was frustrated and on the precipice of a heart-wrenching and conflicting realization. I desperately wanted to burst open and pour out all my thoughts, feelings and anxieties but I resisted. I resisted even in the presence of someone with no personal connection to my past or present circumstances or any personal bias. I resisted because I was afraid that someone would finally see me for who I really am rather than the mask I flash before them. Someone could unearth the interred remains of an identity I desperately tried to suppress and stifle ages long ago. For what more terrifying monsters lie in wait for us than the visage of our most repulsive and impulsive selves? Am I subhuman? A monster? Selfish? Greedy? Lusty? Unabashed? Impetuous? Immoral? Deceptive?

Later, I began an uncomfortable conversation with myself in hopes of alleviating some of the internal strife only to unravel further the tangled, mangled mess and catch fleeting glimpses of a new identity with complex and apparently contradictory beliefs and values. Who am I? Who have I become? Why do I continue to resist knowing full well the repercussions of isolation?

Secret Notes

Dear Sunshine,
I want to tell you a dozen things.
I want to tell you how much you intrigue me but I know it's a bad idea.
I'd like to get to know you better and tell you more about myself in turn, but in the process I know I could get myself and others hurt.
Knowing full well, I still feel drawn toward you. I yearn to reach out toward you much like a sun-loving vine tangles her way forward and climbs toward the warmth of the sun's rays.
-Latā, The Vine

Dear Beloved,
I managed to finally rid myself of you, that is, until today. I ran across an acquaintance and instead of moving forward gracefully, I found myself wanting to dig for any information as to your whereabouts, well-being, etc.
Perhaps I could inquire, but I know it was unlikely that I could manage the task without giving myself away-- or appearing desperate for you. (You know how I care about impressions.)
How can I know you, truly, when I am ungrateful of you when I have to to myself?  I take our moments for granted and then pine for you in the aftermath of your absence. Why is it so hard to admit that to you when we're together, alone?
-Ekākī, The Loner

Winter Adventure

Lonely Plains

There is nothing but lonesome empty plains as far as the eyes can see as we enter the Texas landscape. Gone are the regal red rock mountains and rugged terrain of Arizona and New Mexico. Why, the very sight of the gentle slopes and fields signal my imminent arrival back home. I am relaxed and poised as I arrive in my home state. It isn’t as if I was unwelcome elsewhere, but something about Texas welcomes me, soothes me, and lulls me into a restful state.

Last night I had a strange dream that broke me from my sleep. When I awoke, I realized that I had the same dream before, except this time I couldn’t recall the exact details. While I wanted to disclose the entire dream, I could only recall a few things and those caused me shame so I didn’t tell my husband. At last, I told him that I was startled awake but that I couldn’t remember why.  Interestingly enough, he told me that he had a strange dream that was also identical to a previous dream, almost a year old.

My dream went something like this: we were traveling en masse throughout India on pilgrimage; this isn’t unusual as we have plans to travel to India soon. Around that time, a young handsome man seduced me and to atone for my sinful thoughts I resolved to shave my head and give up any semblance aisvarya or opulence. This detail is also striking because for years, I contemplated monasticism and a few years ago I grew obsessed with shaving my head much to Chandaneswar’s protest. A few days ago, Chandaneswar mentioned that we were going to visit Thirupati Balaji and I could shave my head there if I still wanted to do it. Anyhow…

In the dream,  I removed my precious gems and metals and dressed myself only in simple cloth. Thereafter, I decorated myself with tilak, sacred clay markings upon my upper body and asked my husband’s blessings to perform penance. He indicated that he would not give me his blessings because he felt that it was unnecessary for me to atone for a mere mental lapse in chastity. After lecturing me on the nature of Kali Yuga, the age of quarrel and hypocrisy, he advised me to forgive myself and move forward with my spirituality with greater enthusiasm but not to remove myself from society or take to asceticism or renunciation.

At this point, I argued that if I remained in society and continued to associate freely with materialistic society, it was possible or very likely that the quality and sincerity of my spiritual endeavors would slowly deteriorate over time.

I added that if one man had so easily tempted me after only a passing encounter, it was highly probable that I would be weaker in more trying circumstances. To that, he countered that everyone in Kali Yuga commits sins by mind and we should neglect them. After some discussion, we both decided to take to renunciation and travel together.  Strange dream, no?

What Shall I Do?

The other day I looked into your eyes and wondered if they had any end. Where do you come from, dear one, and how were you created? From which materials did the Creator fashion you that rendered you immensely and intensely sweet and tender?

How can I understand your mind? Have you anything else in your heart besides inherent saintliness and compassion for fallen souls such as me? My Liege, bestow your warm embrace and poised grace upon me!

Marjanam

Today was the Gundica Marjan festival at our local temple. Appropriately, I'm in the process of cleaning house. Yesterday I organized & sorted saris with the help of a close friend. I'm giving away dozens of outfits (again); I feel compelled to change my physical appearance, identity, and style. Not only that, but I feel like the exterior is symptomatic of something I feel deep inside. I'm transforming and undergoing a metamorphosis. I've felt this way a lot this past decade but sometimes I feel like I'm going in circles. (I'm constantly enduring painful growth spurts) Why do I feel this way, even after ten years of conscious endeavor toward growth? I'm starting to feel like there is something I'm missing or skipping. I've been feeling more open and forthcoming lately but I also really raw & emotional. I don't like feeling raw & emotional because it's powerfully overwhelming to me. I find myself feeling insecure at times & when I try to analyze those feelings, I get frustrated or feel self-conscious. What's going on? I suppose the only thing to do is surrender to those emotions and let myself feel them thoroughly. In fact, it may be cathartic to let them pass through me instead of holding back. I'm afraid though, and I'm more afraid of exploring these emotions. I find myself in prayer sometimes, distracted from the external world and begging my Lord and Lady for help.

"My Dear Kalachandji, please help me. 

Nobody can help me but You. 

Save me please, Lord, turn me into one of Sri Radha's loyal maidservants; 

I plead you, place me under Her care. 

O Devi, please guide my heart toward Your lotus feet! 

Please let me surrender to You and no one else. 

I have no other friend, no other shelter and no other recourse,

 but Your service, name, worship, and shelter. 

I beg of You, Goddess, save me from my wretched materialistic desires. 

Prepare me for Your Ladyship's service. You are my only resort."

Dream motifs

After carefully analyzing my dreams, and interpreting them by incorporating the intuitive feelings and sensations I felt during the dream, I have come to the conclusion that my last dream about my emergency Cesarean section, hysterectomy, and extending recovery means that I am undergoing a painful, intensive purge in my life. Significant are the two fathers, one appears to be of a Latino/Asian ethnicity, while the second is African or African American, both of which bear strong resemblances to romantic partners from my past. Both are invested into a future with me, and fight to verify paternity to my child. I wonder if my subconscious is trying to draw attention to my romantic or sexual life, especially with all the symbolism of losing my femininity, power, or sexuality (female reproductive organs, tissue, and c-section). Throughout the dream I seem more anxious about recovery, healing, and completing my procedure. I repeat this to everyone I encounter, my doctor, nurses, lovers, rapist, and strangers in the hospital. I am disgusted by the sanitary conditions within the hospital, but fail to notice it during the initial surgery (Cesarean section, and partial hysterectomy). After encountering the hospital the second time, when my medication wears off, I realise how dirty, dilapidated, and unhygienic the hospital rooms are. Baby is alive but I don't seem concerned about my offspring's well being. I am more concerned about myself. Is my unconscious trying to tell me I spend too much time worrying about others, and place no priority on my own health and well being? Am I overly worried and preoccupied with trivial issues, or the other way around? Some questions are still unclear.Some of the imagery during the dream reminds me of the graphic self-portraiture of Frida Kahlo, perhaps I should explore those feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, powerlessness, and loss more thoroughly.

Rescuing the Lord

Last night, I had a dream about a local devotee turned drama player. She has previously acted in temple dramas, and in my dream she had become a famous stage player. I was excited to see her on stage at a local university campus. As I approached the campus I heard a loud, nagging cry in my mind. I could hear the voice, but it seemed no one else could perceive it. I wondered, "Who is that?" and the voice clearly replied, "Who do you think?"
It was the Lord's voice, and He had specific demands. First, He informed me that he was being neglected by the young devotee actress. He complained that since she had become popular and successful, she had started to neglect Him. He was in the form of a small marble stone statue and traveled alongside her as she toured. He mentioned, "She has a lover who gives her gifts of flowers, jewelry, and sweets, but she does not share any of it with Me. She could at least offer something to Me, anything. She does not bathe, dress, feed, or put me to rest. I am just a statute to her. I am cold, hungry, sleepy, and lonely. I am so exhausted and have not slept for days. Come get me and take me to your home."
Hearing of this regrettable behaviour, I wondered to myself if it was possible to express my concern to her in person. I reasoned that being an educated and cultured young woman, she would admit some shortcomings and rectify her negligence. I set off in search for her, and found her in the arms of her lover, desperately embracing, kissing passionately, and still in full costume backstage. Both were stage players, and apparently fell violently in love during their tour. On closer inspection, I noticed that her lover was not a man, but an actress dressed as the male protagonist. My first impression was that she so desperately sought immediate gratification that she had not bothered to remove her elaborate makeup and costume, feed her Krishna Deity, or even check on Him in the dressing room first. I heard Sri Krishna speak once more, "You see? I told you, she is only concerned for herself; she is selfish! Come get me, quickly, before she comes back!" I finally relented and followed His directions toward the dressing rooms. After winding my way through the halls, I found her dressing room, there behind the unlocked door stood a small Krishna deity-- naked, alone, hungry, and dirty, very, very dirty. I snatched Him and instructed Him to hide in my handmade bag, and keep very quiet. He laughed at me and said, "You're the only one who can hear me, fool!" I woke up shortly after kidnapping Krishna, and escaping through the halls.
After analyzing the dream more carefully, I wonder how often I think of the Lord's well-being. The Lord does not need me to bath, feed, dress, or worship Him. He does not need my fruits, flowers, jewelry, or sweet offerings. He does not need my incense, ghee lamps, water, or ornate fans. He wants my love, devotion, affection, and attention. He cries out for me to look after Him. He mercifully gives me the opportunity to serve Him, without regard to my caste, creed, background, or social status.
He is never concerned with our bodies, but intends to pervade our minds, hearts, and souls. I wonder, regrettably, how negligent I am of Him in my daily worship. I wonder if the devotee actress is rather a representation of me. Having plenty of admirers and sensual pleasures abound, have I forgotten the Lord? Am I neglecting Him? Is he begging me to rescue Him from a lonely existence?

Resolute

This week I visited an academic advisor to help me decipher the course numbers on the Music Therapy degree plan, and now I know which courses correspond to those at TWU. Now, I can plan my schedule, get as many academic and music courses completed at my community college, and make some progress toward my desired degree. On other news, I am doing really well in History, Math, and English, and I am proud of myself. I thought History would sink me for sure, but I stuck with it and worked hard. I have not really practiced for Aural Skills this past week at all. I was too busy working on my last History essay, and it drained me of every drop of energy. 

Damodar month is slowly ending, and each day I feel like I am making spiritual progress. I have made new friends this month, and re-established lost connections with old friends. Sometimes I wonder if I make my relationships complicated intentionally. I do not know why I do it, but I know that it is very hard for me to trust people. Sometimes, I go out of my way to hide, and even push people away. I feel like only Krishna knows me, the real me, and that I can only trust Him and no one else. I do not know if this is right or wrong, or if it is the symptom of spiritual maturity or simply a defense mechanism due to false ego. However, I know that the scriptures say that our ultimate goal is Krishna, we should find no other shelter except Him, and until we have realized that all is in vain in the material sphere, we cannot progress into a special, spiritual relationship with Him. I guess that although I understand that Krishna is the Supreme Lord, the ultimate shelter and eternal friend, I still wonder if there is a special purpose for me on this planet. There is a reason Krishna gave me these particular skills, talents, and abilities. There is a reason Krishna has put me in this environment, with certain people, exposed to particular circumstances. I know there is not just chaos, but that I can learn a lesson from this. I am trying my best to seek out new experiences actively, to learn from my experiences, and capitalize on what I have learned. In order to do that though, I have to hone every skill in my possession. I cannot hide from myself anymore, either. I have to expose what I have been hiding from myself resolutely.

I pray constantly that Lord Balaram give me strength to pursue the unfathomable path of devotion. I cannot weather the obstacles and trials alone; no, I need special guidance and loving care from a nurturing spiritual master.

At County Jail

I had a couple of weird dreams over the weekend. I'll share one of them with you and note why it's so weird.
In the first dream, I'm travelling on the road with Chandaneswar. This fact alone is extremely notable because we typically travel in a group: Chandaneswar, Purandar/Lokojit, Krishna Chandra, and myself. Weary and exhausted, we find a nice bed and breakfast that an acquaintance recommended to stay in. Also weird because we normally stay in budget hotels, with friends, or at the temple. Temple is ideal because it's with friends and cheap. While there, we find out that the B&B is being run by an old friend; we were delighted that all our food would be vegan. This is the only part of the dream that makes any sense because my friend is a great hostess and manages a restaurant. As I'm contemplating how wonderfully everything was being arranged, I get a phone call from the police department. They inform me that my dad had been arrested for drunk driving, and ask if I would like to bail him out. Note: my dad has been dead for four years now, this county doesn't allow phone calls for some weird reason, and calls your next-of-kin on your behalf. I rushed to the county jail to bail out my dad, also highly unusual behavior because I'm of the school of tough love, a euphemism for 'sit your ass in jail while you sober up'. At county lock-up, I see a lot of people in the office who all claim to know me from childhood. "How strange," I thought, "these people should either be dead, moved far away, or locked up themselves." My dad is released and I take notice of his appearance, he looks very young, thin, and happy. It was his first criminal offense.

Fear

There are a few things I wanted to share. I need to share. I know there are people in my life who might listen to it, even care about it. As of this very moment, however, I don't feel like anyone has got my back, or cares. That is why I write here. There are few people who read my blog, participate, even ask questions for me to write about, and I appreciate them very much. Typically, though, not too many people read my blog; it affords me the ability to write "anonymously", have the sensation, or hold to the belief, that someone will read, understand, and empathize with it. Possibly. Well, maybe this will not get a single hit, who knows? It doesn't matter.... this is my healing session.

On Saturday morning, we all set out for the doctor's office to pick up Chandaneswar prabhu's blood report. His liver function and blood sugar were back to normal, so I was very pleased by that news. His cholesterol level was lower, but it was not a very significant drop. Initially, I did not think much of the results, but something did bother me tremendously. Our doctor mentioned that his cholesterol could be genetic, meaning, there is very little in the way of reducing it without medication. Meaning, we're screwed (but I want to say something else). In the car, I kept thinking about it, something was not letting me just shake it, brush it off, sweep it under the rug, or forget about it. I suddenly felt the onslaught of every stress, worry, anxiety, and fear. Just fear. Fear coursed through my body, I was terrified. It suddenly charged my consciousness, and there I felt utterly helpless. 

You see, we've been eating right, exercising, taking the right medications. When I say 'we', I mean the entire family. I have been there in solidarity with my husband the entire way. I never let him go the journey alone. I took on all the austerities, diets, exercise regimes myself. We've been battling Chandaneswar prabhu's health issues together for the past eight years. His blood results can fluctuate and vary greatly, even within a three months' span. Over the years, I've learned to manage my stress, and frequently bad news has a way of being deflected off me, because I know it's a roller coaster ride. Certainly, it is some type of feat. I worked really hard to stay the course, regulate our diet, and maintain an exercise routine together. This past month, I pretty much stopped working out because I was losing enough weight from our uber raw, vegan diet. As in, I eat boiled, steamed, or sauteed food occasionally. Rarely do we eat anything fried. I snack a lot, mostly on fruit and nuts. It's insane, but not nearly as insane as the juice fast I did one caturmas. 

I finally broke down. I sobbed in the car. It seemed as if all the tears in the world would not satiate my pain. The overwhelming anguish. Everything. I couldn't take it anymore. I was just tired of being strong, supportive, and optimistic. It felt as if all my work was for naught. I had nothing to show for any of it. I have nothing to show for it. I'm tired, exhausted, failing, and want to die. I want to give up. I want to face reality. I don't know what this all means. I just know it's the tip of the iceberg. There is just so much left inside, building up underneath. And there is nobody who will listen.

I still want to die. I still want to leave everything behind. 

Grhastha Mahatma

Alpana decoration for Karttik/Damodar Month

The other day a reader emailed me about my last post regarding a woman's disappointment in old age. He asked, "Is there anything she could have done differently or is it a matter of perspective?" The answer is yes and no. There's a saying that "Prevention is better than the cure." There isn't anything she could have done differently but she could have thought differently. The spiritual masters advise us to uphold our duties but with a sense of detachment. Her distress and lamentation was the result of expectations and attachment to fruitive work. If she had endeavored without any expectations to be rewarded or attachment to the final results, she would not have anything to lament. This is real self-less service and the path of spiritual advancement. In essence, the scriptures are advising us to donate our time and energy voluntarily and to view our actions in that light. When you give in charity, first off, you give to one who is deserving, you give without expecting a reward or credit and you relinquish emotional attachments. Essentially grhasthas, both male and female, are being guided in an ideal consciousness: to view your life as an opportunity to selflessly serve others, the real goal being attachment to the Supreme Lord and knowledge of the Absolute Truth.

Srila Prabhupada mentions the qualities of a liberated person and the principles he lives by within householder life:

So if you want to find out a mahatma within the society, not as a renounced sannyasi, then these are the symptoms. There are other symptoms. Nunam pramattah kurute vikarma [SB 5.5.4], that we shall describe later on. These are the general symptoms of a mahatma grhastha. He is not interested in this bodily concept of life, or maintaining very opulently his family members, or talking very seriously with persons who are simply materially interested, dehambhara, just to maintain this body. Of course we require to maintain this body. He is not neglectful. There is no question of negligence. He takes care of his children, of his wife, everything, but without any attachment. That is recommended by the Gosvamis. That, anasaktasya visayan yatharham upayunjatah. You give education to your children, that is required. You maintain your wife, that is also required, no negligence, but no attachment at the same time. No attachment, that I shall sacrifice everything for my wife, and children, and home. That is not a mahatma's business, because he knows that he cannot improve the destiny. Everybody has got his body with certain destiny already settled up. That you cannot change. Otherwise everyone is trying to become very rich, very important, there is no scarcity of endeavor, but not that everyone is becoming like that. That is called destiny.

Stress and Distress

In the past I've theorized that certain individuals can strive and even thrive under stress and distress, either by extreme conditioning or natural personality characteristics. Usually, these people are just born with a certain personality and so it is in their nature to be determined in stressful situations. I used to think that my ability to handle stress and pressure was simply a defense mechanism, a survival mechanism and trait I developed through constant training. I learned to tolerate and be flexible. I learned how to maintain focus and remain calm. I learned to resist panic under distress and danger.

The more I push myself, the more I realise what  I can handle and it surprises me every time. I have been making a conscious push toward sense control and tolerance (as you already know) these past several months. I realise that I simply enjoy the challenge of a harder task and sometimes I even thrive under pressure and distress. It's very difficult to control one's mind under normal conditions as Arjuna said to Lord Krishna, "I think controlling the mind is harder than controlling the wind!" but the Lord is merciful and empowering. 

I thank my most merciful Lord Balaram for endowing me with strength to persevere in adversity. Sometimes, I bite off more than I can chew, due to my false ego and obstinacy, and I refuse to give up or turn back. The task at hand may seem endless and nearly impossible, however, by surrendering to the will of the Supreme Personality of Godhead, Sri Halyudha Balaram, I find the strength and determination to scale mountainous tasks. Before submitting defeat, I always pray to the lotus feet of Sri Nityananda Svarup for spiritual fortitude and my Lord always obliges. Without Him, I am utterly lost. 

If I don't let you in...

If I don't let you in....


it's not because I don't like you.
it's not because I don't trust you.
it's not because I don't respect you.
it's not because I don't want your friendship
it's not because you're not worth my time.
it's not because I think I could do better.
it's not because I think you're beneath me.
it's not because I think it's waste of energy.


It's all of the above. 



I don't like you. 
I don't trust you. 
I don't respect you. 
I don't want your friendship because
You're not worth my time.
I could do much better.
You're beneath me and
a waste of energy. 


 I bet you guys thought I was going to say some idiotic pseudo-inspirational, "It's not you it's me/I'm afraid of showing you the real me." self-conscious, emo-bull. Well, no, as a matter of fact I'm in the mood for validating my reasons and genuine feelings. So, in that sense I guess it is a little 'emo'. In all seriousness, though, I don't have time for certain things lately. I've cut back on a lot of indulgences and honestly, I didn't think I'd be able to sacrifice so much. I have a desire to serve more, read and write my devotional feelings. Krishna Consciousness is hard. Really. You have to push yourself constantly or you don't grow. You fall stagnant and lazy and dull. DULL. I heard someone say once that the body can endure all kinds of conditions, you just have to push yourself. It's a matter of conquering the mind and I believe Krishna Consciousness is exactly the same. We don't push ourselves. We're lazy and dull-headed. Some even more than others.
I don't mind if you share this rant but please link back to my blog. Busy day today, that's all I have time for this entry. Sorry, everyone, I haven't been keeping up with the blog and I apologize sincerely. I will try and transfer some of my personal journal entries into the blog so you know what I've been thinking and writing lately. They're mostly prayers and stuff like that but it's appropriate for this blog so I'll go ahead and bring it in. Hare Krishna, yo.

More Realizations

Lately, I've been spending a lot of time with my personal journal, one of the reasons I'm blogging less these days. I've acquired several diaries over the years from friends and family and started journal keeping in all of them. Over the years my writing was scattered over several journals, if you wanted a complete understanding of my life, you'd need all seven or eight or... I lost count. It's ridiculous, that's not even counting the composition books and notebooks I purchased on my own. I decided a while back that I would finish writing in one journal exclusively before moving onto the next one, reverting back to their chronological order in which they were received. I'm writing in the black duct-taped one now, I'm lining it in pencil so I can also work on my penmanship. I'm also practicing my Bengali along with my English alphabet to refine my handwriting and make it something more consistent. I found a nice website about Italics and other handwriting that I'd like to share with you-- Italic Handwriting Directory-- it is really neat and a great place to admire lovely penmanship, even if you're not familiar with calligraphy, you'll certainly fall in love with the beautiful style and elegance therein.

Right now I'm working on a cardigan called Chevron Lace cardigan, the pattern is available from the crafter herself at her blog, it's a wonderful site but unfortunately it's inactive. You can still find her patterns at Ravelry and I love the simple cardigan pattern so far. Still making several doilies in the Autumn Reflections pattern. And yes, I really do need that many doilies. Why in the world am I working a cardigan in the middle of spring? It has occurred to me that it's best to work your winter patterns in the spring or summer, that way you get more time to plan and make changes to your finished work before it's ready to wear. Also, I desired a caplet or shawl for hanging around the house, it's not so strange if you think about it. Over here in the land of central air conditioning and wooden crawl spaces, the houses are always chilly, drafty or just plain freezing. Especially in the summer.

Last night I got really sick with food poisoning and even though I was deathly ill, somehow I still managed to meditate and focus on the Holy Name. Sri Harinam helps me a lot when I'm in trouble, ill, mentally or emotionally disturbed. I chant constantly, aloud or silently, and beg the Name to reveal truth to my heart. I prayed and cried out to the Lord, I wanted mental clarity and strength. When I get sick, I start to panic and fear the worst case scenario, panicking only worsens my condition, so I try my best to control my mind. I tried my best to chant, keep myself calm and surrendered to the shelter of Sri Nityananda Swarup.
Of course, I always get these really wonderful realizations, it seems kind of macabre to say it but the day afterward, I relish it. I can reflect on the Lord's mercy and how he reveals Himself at our weakest hours. Last night's realizations were exactly what I was praying for these past several months. I couldn't unlock this code for the life of me. I knew it would  take a huge blow to the head for it to sink in, and boy, was I right! The Lord is so merciful, if you simply cry, beg, plead with a sincere heart for His shelter, He'll make proper arrangements and reveal tattva to you when the time is appropriate. Another thing I realized, it's through the process of purging that we rid ourselves of impurities, sometimes we have to endure that painful process, since we have so many anarthas in our hearts, it takes a long time. With forbearance and determination we can make it to our desired goal but we pray for the spriritual strength and endurance of Lord Nityananda Ram, otherwise the journey is implausible. We just have to keep on trekking, no matter what. Determination, patience and enthusiasm- that is the instruction of Sri Rupa Goswamipad.

Jay Sri Sri Guru Gouranga! Jay Nityananda Balaram! Jaya Sri Hari nama!
♫ Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare Hare Ram Hare Ram Ram Ram Hare Hare ♪

Anartha Nivritti

Duplicitous
Passive aggressive
Ahankar
Possessive
Over-reacting
Dramatic
Projecting
These are all qualities and attributes present within my own self.
I attribute tendencies, intentions etc. to others and ignore the very same in myself. I am full of ego and pride, I am possessive and domineering. I am controlling and envious. I am full of rage.
I am not a bad person, I hold negative views of the world and remain very pessimistic even in the best conditions. I dismiss praise and compliments as mere "flattery" or "sycophancy" or regard them as "insincere" when in reality I am full of said faults. Anarthas. Anarthas and more anarthas.
Anartha nivritti .
I don't want to associate with negative people or negativity. (Anymore) I am making a conscious effort to eliminate those things from my life, one by one. It will be a painful because I will have to acknowledge my faults, flaws and projections in a conscious voice in the process. Sometimes unpleasant things will surface. In the process of polishing a tarnished object, the cloth will become dirty. I have to accept that dirt, that grit and grime, oil and slime and accept my past. Renounce the past. Just like removing soiled garments.
I have to look at the cleansing of my heart and not become bewildered or disillusioned by that which soils the polishing cloth.
I want my power back. I want supportive, friendly, open, honest, sincere and loving friends, well-wishers and acquaintances. I want to develop a healthy relationship with all-- to whatever degree possible. If we are acquaintances, I want to develop a mutually beneficial relationship in that context. Friends, lovers, siblings, parents, whatever, I want to cultivate those relationships to the fullest possible extent.  I want to expand on already existing relationships, build on solid foundations. I want to push the boundaries of my psycho-emotional self. I want to understand my innate proclivities, even those that are subconscious or unconsciously decided. I want to understand why I make the choices that I do, I want to make better decisions. I want to be informed. Re-educated. Hare Krishna.

Trepidation

Diary entry:

January 25, 2012 Tritiya, Gaura paksha, Madhav mas...

I can't believe I'm jealous of a man. I think my jealousy is rooted in insecurity over my marriage. Sometimes I feel caged in and at other times I feel like I'm powerless or have no control over anything, especially my marriage. Sometimes I feel as if I have nobody to talk to around here except for Chandaneśwar prabhu. I guess I try too hard to impress Chandaneśwar. He doesn't seem to care... anyway. I could make other friends, cultivate relationships outside of my married life. Find others with shared interests.

বাবা মা স্বামী বউ পুরুষ মহিলা প্রেম ঘৃণা 

I love him, I'm still madly in love with him and it drives me insane. I wish I had a friend to talk with, someone who could listen for hours and remain eternally interested. Only Krishna. 

কৃষ্ণ কৃষ্ণ কৃষ্ণ কৃষ্ণ! বলরাম বলরাম! নিত্যানন্দ গৌরাঙ্গ গৌরাঙ্গ নিত্যানন্দ ! নিত্যানন্দ গৌরাঙ্গ! 

আমার সুধু পাখার হাওয়া. 

Is it wrong to feel lonely and alone when you're in a committed relationship, even happily married? Is it wrong to desire, nay, wish otherwise? To fall in love again and go mad with desire again! To feel young and invincible, rash and adventurous, bold and uninhibited by mundane social stigmas? We are limiting ourselves; we have ridiculously degrading standards for everything. I can't even believe it when I think about it. I want to run away. 

Normally, I'd pack a single bag and head for the hills, mountains, bleak isolation in the country, a farm. Alone with my thoughts--Love and Serenity, contemplating the important things: water-splashing, skinny-dipping, frolicking in the grass and sunbathing in the nude!  flowers in my hair. oil on my skin. massages. massage circles. danger. fear. trepidation. lust.

and plenty of Krishna. কৃষ্ণ কৃষ্ণ কৃষ্ণ রাম রাম রাম রাধে রাধে রাধে শ্রী রাধে, আমার রানী, প্রানেস্বরী! কৃষ্ণ আমার হৃদয়, হৃদয়নাথ!  I spoke with my friend and god-sister, Prema-rupa. I feel much better!