Thursday, April 12, 2012

Anartha Nivritti

Duplicitous
Passive aggressive
Ahankar
Possessive
Over-reacting
Dramatic
Projecting
These are all qualities and attributes present within my own self.
I attribute tendencies, intentions etc. to others and ignore the very same in myself. I am full of ego and pride, I am possessive and domineering. I am controlling and envious. I am full of rage.
I am not a bad person, I hold negative views of the world and remain very pessimistic even in the best conditions. I dismiss praise and compliments as mere "flattery" or "sycophancy" or regard them as "insincere" when in reality I am full of said faults. Anarthas. Anarthas and more anarthas.
Anartha nivritti .
I don't want to associate with negative people or negativity. (Anymore) I am making a conscious effort to eliminate those things from my life, one by one. It will be a painful because I will have to acknowledge my faults, flaws and projections in a conscious voice in the process. Sometimes unpleasant things will surface. In the process of polishing a tarnished object, the cloth will become dirty. I have to accept that dirt, that grit and grime, oil and slime and accept my past. Renounce the past. Just like removing soiled garments.
I have to look at the cleansing of my heart and not become bewildered or disillusioned by that which soils the polishing cloth.
I want my power back. I want supportive, friendly, open, honest, sincere and loving friends, well-wishers and acquaintances. I want to develop a healthy relationship with all-- to whatever degree possible. If we are acquaintances, I want to develop a mutually beneficial relationship in that context. Friends, lovers, siblings, parents, whatever, I want to cultivate those relationships to the fullest possible extent.  I want to expand on already existing relationships, build on solid foundations. I want to push the boundaries of my psycho-emotional self. I want to understand my innate proclivities, even those that are subconscious or unconsciously decided. I want to understand why I make the choices that I do, I want to make better decisions. I want to be informed. Re-educated. Hare Krishna.
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