Behind The Mask

Yesterday I was frustrated and on the precipice of a heart-wrenching and conflicting realization. I desperately wanted to burst open and pour out all my thoughts, feelings and anxieties but I resisted. I resisted even in the presence of someone with no personal connection to my past or present circumstances or any personal bias. I resisted because I was afraid that someone would finally see me for who I really am rather than the mask I flash before them. Someone could unearth the interred remains of an identity I desperately tried to suppress and stifle ages long ago. For what more terrifying monsters lie in wait for us than the visage of our most repulsive and impulsive selves? Am I subhuman? A monster? Selfish? Greedy? Lusty? Unabashed? Impetuous? Immoral? Deceptive?

Later, I began an uncomfortable conversation with myself in hopes of alleviating some of the internal strife only to unravel further the tangled, mangled mess and catch fleeting glimpses of a new identity with complex and apparently contradictory beliefs and values. Who am I? Who have I become? Why do I continue to resist knowing full well the repercussions of isolation?

Ronald Reagan

When I Answered “Ronald Reagan”
Melissa Cruz

I
I guess you would not understand
If I were to tell you plainly, I was dreaming,
Daydreaming, imagining, fantasizing
When I answered “Ronald Reagan”
I can tell you here without import,
Without repercussion knowing
It is never going to happen.

II
I wandered over beside your cheek
And inhaled the scent of your breath,
Hair and the wafting echo of your sensuous desire.
I could not possibly tell you this in class.
Certainly not or it would have been my ass.
Did you sense my caressing touch upon your neck
Meandering down across your torso
Absorbing every detail of your flesh
As I gazed deeply into your eyes?
I told myself I had to stop.

III
While I rushed through your dumb questions,
I delved into another fantasy propounding
All the inner secrets of your loving, tender, soft embrace.
I could not tell you this in class….
I gazed over at your desk as you checked on all the rest
And imagined; I could kiss and bite your tempting flesh
While you made every single effort to withstand
My increasingly aggressive, mounting, erotic wander.
Oh! But you would not glance over at me,
For if you had, you would have seen
The visage of a hungering, thirsting, insatiable beast
Craving every drop, every bite, every delicious taste of you.

IV
I imagine you would have resisted
Had I grabbed and fed upon you as I wished it.
And if you did, I would have told you
“Resistance is futile, weak fool!”
Certainly, I could not tell you this in class.
Well I could, but your ass’d be grass.
Oh! But how I wish I had.
For if I had, you would lose sleep, tormented,
Unable to imagine the depths to which I dived
Within the short span of a stupid quiz.
Don’t you wish you had not asked?
With every utterance, I gain strength and become more daring.
Surely, you must agree it is a small miracle
I answered only one question wrong.

V
Now you know how much I want you,
And long to feel, and taste, and be with you.
Now I have admitted all my secret thoughts,
And grown accustomed to the throbbing,
Crushing, overwhelming sexual hunger.
Now I have cleared the air and my lusty mind.
Now I have released my intense yearning
Into the vast cosmic manifestation.
Having no other purpose,
This poem has accomplished
The inconceivable, insurmountable, volatile task
Of explaining what the fuck I was thinking
When I answered “Ronald Reagan”

Krishna save me

Don't read this post if you have sensitive ears because I'm totally pissed and it comes out in the form of verbal garbage. Instead, feel free to read this, a very nice lecture about the fortitude of Vedic marriage. Go ahead, you're gonna enjoy.

Today, like every other day within the material sphere, is full of misery and struggle for existence. On top of the daily struggle within our lives, we have yet another miserable disaster to deal with. I don't want to talk about it because it is personal in nature but I can tell that it involves very slanderous words and threats. I'm thinking that I'll file a police report in the morning and get it out in the open because if I don't I'll just be inviting more of these kinds of attacks. Sometimes I wonder how people can lie outright and not blink an eyelash while people like me compulsively tell truth in all situations. How is it possible? Why does the Lord create some people with absolutely not one single moral fibre within their bodies? Back stabbers, liars, cheaters, thieves, and other immoralists? And, why is it so goddamn easy to find and target naive idiots like myself for their victims? Krishna, wtf! What did I ever do to deserve such a miserable existence? Tell me Lord, because I've not one goddamn clue... I must have been some shitty person in a past life, really, because I can't imagine what kind of horrible things I must have done to deserve this terrible kind of strife. Everyday, something is happening. Everyday, I'm getting bad news or something is gone horribly f'ing WRONG. I think I must have been a god damn murderer, serial killer or rapist in a past life. I must have accumulated a ton of bad karma and now I'm reaping the horrible results. Since childhood, I've been haunted by all things bad, wrong, evil and persons affiliated with such. I've always been the good obedient girl but I always get punished for others misdeeds. No matter how much I distance myself, it always seems to follow me wherever I go. I can't get away from it, even in my tiny little cottage, I leave everyone alone, mind my own damn business and still-- what happens? Shit happens.