I want to share a diary entry from my personal journal today. When I wrote it, I had no intention of sharing it with anyone else, it was between me, my conscience and the Lord. It reads like a prayer because that's exactly what it is. It has to do with material existence, particularly the woes of being a woman. About a year ago a mataji came to my home and it sounded like she was lamenting her life. She subtly disclosed her frustration; she felt unwanted because she was now 'old' and no longer a 'productive member' of society. After all those decades of selfless service, she's turned away by family and friends alike. She felt used and lamented her situation, I felt sorrowful and sympathetic but gave her a cold-hearted response instead. I thought, "She needs to hear the truth, maybe this will be a catalyst for spirituality." I simply said one thing, "Mataji, we are the servant of Bhagavan, Sri Krishna, but instead we waste our lives serving ourselves and others, then, when we are no longer productive or useful or desirable we are discarded and left by the wayside. Worse if you're a woman, you'll serve your husbands, sons, daughters, in-laws, parents, society and to what end? That's why Prabhupada urges us to find the Lord in our youth, practice spirituality, depend only of the Lord. He's the only one who won't turn you away." With those words, Mataji started to cry and tearfully said, "That's a wonderful realization, Madri, I only wish I had realized that when I was your age. I guess I was just fooling myself, I thought I would be taken care of in my old age and but nobody wants me around."
In the end, I think Sri Krishna arranged for this woman to visit my home that fateful day. The Lord wanted to give me a message, His word and promise. For that reason I am thankful, knowing this to be the truth, I surrender myself to the will of the Lord. Only Krishna knows my mind, heart and intentions. May that sweet, lotus-eyed boy be ever gracious to his wayward devotees and bring them safely back to the shelter of His Divine lotus feet.
|Sri Nityananda Avadhuta|
A Woman's Prayer
Prabhu, I've wasted my entire youth on attaining respect, reputation, status, vanity, pride,
serving my senses, indulging in disgusting activities, pursuing sin and sense gratification at all costs.
Now my entire life has passed before me but with no worthy achievements, no pious activities, no spiritual knowledge, everything is in vain.
You are my only hope now, Prabhu, please rescue me from this miserable, pathetic condition. Once used, discarded and neglected, I'll be of no use to anyone, please accept me before that time. Let me prove that You are not simply my last resort but in reality, You are the Ultimate Shelter. You are all that remains for anyone-- why should I waste my years in vain when I can arrive at the destination with little effort? Please don't make me learn this lesson the hard way. What is more pathetic than this is to realize the truth when it is already too late! I don't want to burn my years away until I am old and decrepit, serving men and jackals and then fall into despair when I am abandoned by my protectors.
|Sri Nityananda Pada Kamala|