Friday, January 27, 2012

Trepidation

Diary entry:

January 25, 2012 Tritiya, Gaura paksha, Madhav mas...

I can't believe I'm jealous of a man. I think my jealousy is rooted in insecurity over my marriage. Sometimes I feel caged in and at other times I feel like I'm powerless or have no control over anything, especially my marriage. Sometimes I feel as if I have nobody to talk to around here except for Chandaneśwar prabhu. I guess I try too hard to impress Chandaneśwar. He doesn't seem to care... anyway. I could make other friends, cultivate relationships outside of my married life. Find others with shared interests.
বাবা মা স্বামী বউ পুরুষ মহিলা প্রেম ঘৃণা 
I love him, I'm still madly in love with him and it drives me insane. I wish I had a friend to talk with, someone who could listen for hours and remain eternally interested. Only Krishna. 
কৃষ্ণ কৃষ্ণ কৃষ্ণ কৃষ্ণ! বলরাম বলরাম! নিত্যানন্দ গৌরাঙ্গ গৌরাঙ্গ নিত্যানন্দ ! নিত্যানন্দ গৌরাঙ্গ! 
আমার সুধু পাখার হাওয়া. 
Is it wrong to feel lonely and alone when you're in a committed relationship, even happily married? Is it wrong to desire, nay, wish otherwise? To fall in love again and go mad with desire again! To feel young and invincible, rash and adventurous, bold and uninhibited by mundane social stigmas? We are limiting ourselves; we have ridiculously degrading standards for everything. I can't even believe it when I think about it. I want to run away. 
Normally, I'd pack a single bag and head for the hills, mountains, bleak isolation in the country, a farm. Alone with my thoughts--Love and Serenity, contemplating the important things: water-splashing, skinny-dipping, frolicking in the grass and sunbathing in the nude!  flowers in my hair. oil on my skin. massages. massage circles. danger. fear. trepidation. lust.
and plenty of Krishna. কৃষ্ণ কৃষ্ণ কৃষ্ণ রাম রাম রাম রাধে রাধে রাধে শ্রী রাধে, আমার রানী, প্রানেস্বরী! কৃষ্ণ আমার হৃদয়, হৃদয়নাথ!  I spoke with my friend and god-sister, Prema-rupa. I feel much better!
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