Friday, July 29, 2011

Amar Moner Duhkhi

The more I read the writings of the previous acharyas, the more I realise how wretched and hopeless a case I am. I am not a Vaishnav but a total fraud and cheat. I don't know why this is happening to me, I am utterly addicted to reading the pure and transcendental narrations of your devotees and I desire, above everything else, their divine association through any means possible. I want to bang my head out of frustration because though I desire it more than anything, still, being lowly and fallen, I can not relish even a drop of ambrosial prema. Still, understanding the glories of the Supremely Sweet Lord, I am full of lust and remain attached to lowly habits. When, my Lord, will I be completely immersed with love for You? When will I relish chanting Your name, hearing your glorification, associating with your pure devotee and remain completely intoxicated in that nectar? When will I cry in madness 'GAURANGA' 'NITAI' and fall upon the ground in ecstatic emotion? Please my Lord, help me, how many times do I have to beg forgiveness for my insolence, pride and sinful attachments... just tear me away from it. I can't take this anymore, I even want to pull my hair out of despair. Please cleanse my heart and let me chant Your name peacefully and attain the height of prema bhakti because I know that I can not fight these demons alone, only you can save me from this plight. Only by taking sole shelter of you and your dear-most followers can I be rescued from this despair. When will the merciful and compassionate mañjaris, sheltering me in the cool shade of their lotus feet, bring me under their apprenticeship and guidance? When will my mistress accept me as her maid-servant and draw the moon-rays of her glances upon me?
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