Against the Grain

Another flood dream:

This time we were traveling to a festival (mela) in some far away place. It took us several hours of driving to arrive, and when we did, we caught a glimpse of our spiritual master and left immediately. Gurudeva had an entourage of disciples and followers around him. They were fanning him and shading him with ornate fans and umbrellas like straight pimpin' boss. Seriously.
We took off back toward Dallas, and on our way we picked up my brother and a friend of mine, Victor. I don't know what they were doing out in the middle of nowhere, but they needed a ride home. I was more than happy to accommodate Victor because we were having car problems. Charles, on the other hand, was utterly useless.
 Our car stalled as we approached Texas, and we were stuck out in on the highway with no nearby garage, auto supply, or tools to speak of. Victor stepped out of the car, jerry-rigged it, and managed to start the car. We headed on our way until we noticed the road literally disappeared before our eyes. "Where the hell is the road?" we asked ourselves. "What the hell is going on?" As it happened, there was a flash flood that washed away large portions of the highway. Along the way, state troopers and local police set up a road block, and advised us to back track and find a different route home. We weren't about to do that with our unreliable transport, so we discussed other options.
 Chandaneswar and Victor reasoned that our vehicle could take a little "off-road action". Afterall, it was a Jeep, and could handle rough terrain even if it did have other issues. I scanned the shoulders and saw most of the ground along the highway was leveled and dry so it was relatively safe. We all agreed, and headed on our way. We cut across the median and first drove into oncoming traffic, as that part of the highway was pretty empty and still viable. Occasionally, we met with traffic, and they honked and shouted profanities at us. We weren't at all phased by it. It was fun, Victor, Krishna Chandra, and I were exhilarated and thrilled as we sped down the highway weaving and dodging other cars.
We kept driving until the road was too damaged and dangerous to use, and drove up on the shoulder. Eventually, even the shoulders were too dangerous, so we ventured even further away onto completely rocky, uneven land. Our SUV was fine though, and we kept going until we found a patch of road that led us back to the highway. The highway was really close to Dallas, and we knew it was only a matter of time until we reached home. We couldn't thank Victor enough. I wanted to punch the SOB who sold us that busted ass Jeep, but maybe I should thank him instead.

Merriment

Today we celebrated our spiritual master's, Srila Bhakti Charu Swami, Vyasa Puja ceremony at home with the help and kindness of a few friends and family. While it was a small program, it was incredibly sweet and fulfilling. We worked throughout the day preparing the prasadam feast, garlands, flowers, cleaning and arranging furniture. My hands were corroded from handling water and garlanding all morning but I enjoyed myself. By evening time, I was incredibly exhausted and ready to crash on the nearest cushioned surface, which just so happened to be the newly placed sofa-bed. I slept for several hours only to suddenly wake up at one a.m. to the call of nature and dying of thirst simultaneously. I drank too much soda, I should know better than that by now. Sheesh!
After Tulasi-arati this morning, Krishna Chandra circumambulated, offered water and obeisances to Srimati Tulasi Devi, then offered flowers to Srila Prabhupada (large painting) and Guru Maharaj (in a smaller, photographic form). He helped me by clipping the roses and leaves for me and placing them into a bowl of water to rinse while I strung two garlands-- a long one for Srila Prabhupada and another for Gurudev. I like remembering September 17 as both Srila Prabhupada's arrival in the West and Gurudev's birthday so I can commemorate them both on the same day... today is a very, very special day for me, for ISKCON. During the daytime, Purandar Acharya and Chandaneśwar prabhus cooked a nice feast, I started cleaning and rearranging furniture once my help was no longer needed in the kitchen.
My bedroom was really messy and untidy, even though I hate to admit it-- I'm glad Chandaneśwar prabhu kept pushing me to clear out the mess before the feast, that way the guests could sit in the room and relax on the couch if the living or dining rooms were too crowded. Unfortunately, I don't live in the mansion I'd like or have an enormous space for accommodating many, many Vaishnavas at once but I pray to Krishna that one day this will be the case. I still have a ridiculous amount of clothing, half of which must be cleared out of my closet... somehow or other. I guess I can always drop it off at the temple and hope someone can use it. I want to rid myself of all my old karmi clothes and start designing and sewing my new wardrobe. I have several fabric bolts sitting in my closet as I type, anxiously awaiting for proper engagement. They whisper sweet-nothings in my ear when no one else is around and the room is quiet enough to hear a pin drop. I wonder if anyone suspects my sewing insanity? I must finish other projects first though including a new Deity outfit in green and magenta pink I've been scheming. We'll see what happens next, it will all come to pass just as the Lord desires.

Guru Business

I got annoyed with someone today when the first question he asked me was "which is your guru?" I may have over-reacted but still, how would you feel if someone walks up to you on the street and asks your political affiliation, your insurance, etc and makes a decision about you based on that alone. Of course, this always annoys the hell out of me, in ISKCON it has become acceptable to greet someone thus, "Haribol, who's your guru?" WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE? Haven't you any manners or etiquette? I don't even know your name, and you don't know mine but you think its okay to introduce yourself like that? I don't like this guru-business.. "This guru" "That guru" "His guru" "My guru" "Their guru" "our Guru" and most of all guru-preachers. You've probably met a guru-preacher but were too shocked and dismayed to say anything and were probably at a loss for words. You probably couldn't even believe the audacity of the person or that he was saying these things so you had to slap yourself once or twice through the duration of the whole ordeal.
"MY gurudev is very advanced, he is a pure devotee, he has this bhava, he has that rasa, he is so nectarean, he is so transcendental, he's a maha-bhagavat, most merciful" its an obvious materialistic comparison that I dislike altogether.You can not compare rasa and bhava like material qualities, you can not compare gurus against each other, because all spiritual qualifications are equally important and relishable. Its like saying "More pregnant, most pregnant etc." Preggers is preggers... idiots. Yes, some mellows are more intimate but that doesn't mean that your guru is better than someone else because he relishes a particular taste. Indirectly it means, "My guru is better because of such and such reason, other gurus can not compare with mine because his spiritual mellows are obviously superior." Sometimes the guru-preaching is not even so subtle, sometimes the disciples will come right out and say it. "Our gurudev is far superior, he is offering something that you can not get elsewhere, he is a pure devotee of the Lord. You should take shelter of my guru and accept initiation only from him." Luckily, this is also a good way to sort out the people to avoid from those you want to approach for siksha and guidance. I was lucky to run into a Prabhupada disciple who sat down with me and discussed at length my attraction to many gurus. He didn't say I had to stick with only one but that they were all wonderful Godbrothers and very qualified but I would eventually have to chose one diksha guru, that didn't mean I had to give up my attachment for the other Gurus as well. Then he asked me "Did you have a particular one in mind?" I said, "Yes, I have an inclination towards one" He was so elated to find out and continued to tell me all about how he loved my spiritual master so much and that I had made a good choice. I took it as as Krishna's indication and fixed my mind that day.
Another thing, there is a huge clique culture and segregation system within devotee communities that is rooted with Guru. "If you're my godbrother that automatically makes you my best friend" and everyone else is unqualified somehow. Godbrothers will sit and talk together during programs and festivals, they only talk to other devotees if they are aspiring for their guru or they actively preach their Guru to newcomers without restraint. Not just gurus though, devotees segregate themselves according to nationality and race as well, I've noticed how the Russians sit with other Russians, Asians with Asians, Indians with Indians, whites, blacks, Latinos, etc.. and you can't say its a language barrier because everyone in ISKCON regardless of nationality and race speaks some English if not excellent English. How embarrassing... and we say we're not these bodies.

Behaviour of a Disciple

I read this article from BCS Istagosthi and I wanted to share it with others because it really says everything I feel from my heart but can not explain to others. Sometimes people tell me that I'm just introverted and introspective so therefore it is hard for me to make friends with people, even devotees or aspiring devotees as they may be and that somehow is the root of my depression. I know, however, that I'm not "just depressed" my problems are so easily sorted out, telling me that I'm just lonely and depressed doesn't address the actual issue. The only place they make sense is in my heart and mind, when I try to manifest those emotions into words, I feel choked or suffocated, stifled. Still, my heart feels a void, my dreams are unfulfilled and I know its because I have not actually pleased my spiritual master. Hopefully I can move forward from here and with the help and guidance of Sri Guru from within the heart, I will one day achieve my goal of satisfying my Guru and therefore my heart will also be at ease.

In Hari-bhakti-vilasa, verse 2.147, Srila Sanatan Goswami quotes
Sammohana-tantra:

gopayed devatam istam gopayed gurum atmanah
gopayec ca nijam mantram gopayen nija-malikam

One should hide one's ista-deva, one should hide one's guru, one should hide one's mantra, and one should hide one's japa-mala.

Wise persons keep their valuables in a confidential place. Similarly, an intelligent sadhaka does not advertise his or her guru, nor do they broadcast themselves as disciples of their guru. Considering themselves as low, fallen, and unfit to be considered disciples, sincere devotees do not want to advertise who their guru is.

Srila Thakur Bhaktivinode has described that there are two types of disciples, the antarmukha-sisyas and the bahirmukha-sisyas. Antarmukha literally means "inward-facing". It refers to someone who is introspective. Bahirmukha literally means "outward-facing", and refers to someone who is absorbed in external things.

Antarmukha-sisyas are desirous of bringing pleasure to their guru. Their focus is on following the guru's instructions. The antarmukha-sisyas practice gopayed gurum atmanah. They keep their guru and their relationship with him confidential. An antarmukha-sisya is not interested in advertising himself as a disciple of his guru, but prefers to follow the guru's instructions. His meditation is to try to understand what will please his guru. The antarmukha-sisya is anartha-mukta-avastha, he is free from anarthas. His vision of guru is known as sevya-darsana. He sees that guru should be served and pleased.

Bahirmukha-sisyas are disciples who practice the opposite of gopayed gurum atmanah. They are absorbed in advertising their guru and in making a show of themselves as being big or intimate disciples. Such a disciple is also known as guru-giri, or one who makes a business out of guru and one's relationship with guru. They are not absorbed in the inner intention of guru. Srila
Bhaktivinode Thakur has described persons who act on such an external platform as dharmadhvajis ("religion flag-wavers"), meaning those who make a hypocritical or pretentious show of religiosity.

Following the logic of atmavan manyate jagat (everyone thinks like I do), the bahirmukha-sisyas consider that their guru thinks like they do. Because they are motivated by the desires for fame and adoration they think that their guru also wants such things. The bahirmukha-sisyas are
anartha-yukta-avastha, they have anarthas, material desires, in their hearts. Because of those anarthas they only see guru in terms of their own pleasure. This vision is known as bhogya-darsana. They think that making a big show of devotion will impress their guru and enable them to come close to their guru. Their idea of guru-bhakti is to loudly proclaim to the world,
amar guru jagad-guru - "My guru is the best or the only one and any other guru is lesser." They think that such publicizing will please their guru.

For some devotees, pushing their guru is an easy way to avoid facing the reality of their own lack of advancement. They want respect, and they think it is easier for them to get it by broadcasting themselves as a disciple of a great personality than for themselves to manifest the qualities of a
vaisnava. However, this kind of cheating mentality will never attract the attention of saintly persons. They are not impressed with whom we have taken initiation or instructions from. Rather, they want to see what is our own level of realization.

Since such neophytes equate the showing of respect to themselves with the showing of respect to their guru, when they become chastised or fail to receive the honor and recognition they want, they accuse the devotees, "You have offended my guru!" In this way, Kali, the personification of this age of quarrel and hypocrisy, is able to enter the movement of Sri Chaitanya
Mahaprabhu and cause dissension, distracting them from their real business of chanting and distributing the holy names.

So Srila Sanatan Goswami's instruction gopayed gurum atmanah - "One should hide one's guru" - is advising devotees to go deeper in their relationship with guru by basing that relationship on following the instructions about service and bhajan that their guru has given.

Busy Bee

Well these past few days, being exceptionally jam-packed with errands, work, family emergencies and the like, have not allowed me to even check my e-mails properly. And let me tell you, it's really overwhelming when you open your e-mail and see dozens and dozens of e-mail, all equally important and interesting, that you know deep down in your heart you couldn't possibly read right away, probably because some are so damn long! You know who you are... For now, I've only read the ones that are of dire importance and absolutely necessary and I will try to catch up with the rest later. :(
I've spent the past several days at work with my husband (there was a death in the boss' family and I babysat their young daughter) and realised that spending every waking second with your spouse is not the ideal situation for me, I imagine not for anyone else either. To top that off, Krishna Chandra behaved like an insane person, throwing manic fits and tantrums at the slightest of slights, and fought with me a good portion of the time we were there. Eventually he settled down and started playing happily with Isha that by the time it was time to leave, he was too attached to Isha to leave and threw another fit. Isha was sweet, she tried to calm him down and keep him occupied by playing hopscotch, reading and playing other games, she behaved just like a responsible big sister so I know she will be fine when her little sibling comes along. Somehow, we managed to calm Krishna Chandra at home, after all, he just wanted a nap in his own bed and a glass of milk-- was that too much to ask for? It's funny how we, as adults, take for granted the very small, minute details of everyday life! On other news, we're going to go on a road trip to Kansas City soon, we're picking up Purandar Acharya prabhu along the way and I'm excited to see all the cool stuff along the highways and country roads, hopefully I'll see some of those famous butterflies and get some time to peruse the city.


I want to attend the Sunday Love Feast at the temple but I have my doubts that it will come to be. Anyway, it'll be nice to see the country before winter comes and now is the perfect time to go, considering the sweltering summer heat has dissipated to tolerable conditions. I will let you know what's going on and take some pictures along the way. I'm excited about the fall and winter season which is yet to arrive, there are so many wonderful festivals coming up, that I've started having dreams about it. Strangely, in the past week or two I've had three dreams about Lord Jagannath, Baladev and Subhadra mayi, which make me wonder and daydream all day long. A few days ago, I had a dream about Guru Maharaj in which we had a long, drawn out conversation about a special spiritual topic, which I'd rather keep to myself for now; I inquired further and further into the subject until I was up to my neck in transcendental nectar! All the while, Srila Gurudev kept a beautiful, blissful smile on his face and his countenance seemed to become more elated with each of my questions or doubts that would arise. I always thought that the spiritual master becomes annoyed with those who have doubt or too many questions, but after that dream I started to question that idea. I wondered if the spiritual master receives some kind of special transcendental happiness from addressing questions or dispelling the disciples' doubts that arise from atheistic or demoniac mentalities. It reminded me of the very interesting and complicated relationship Srila Prabhupada had with Dr. Patel... I think you guys who read or hear the morning walks' transcripts know what I'm talking about.

Latest News

Yesterday, my husband, Chandanesvara prabhu, Krishna Chandra and I went to Dada's house and help clean/move everything out. We woke up early, did our home's puja, cooked, offered and headed to the house. When we arrived, Sudhir Krishna Prabhu was there chanting for Their Lordships and Divya-ratna prabhu was packing the last of his belongings. We were assigned the enlivening task of packing Gurudev's personal items. Yay! However, I didn't realise how much stuff Guru Maharaj had entrusted to the boy's care; there were boxes and boxes of clothing, books, electronics, etc. even GM's sannyasa danda! I was ecstatic to be privileged with packing and organizing all of Gurudev's personal items, even though it took several hours to pack and move it all to our place. ::exhausted sigh:: We inherited a few things from Dada (Divya-ratna prabhu) like clothes, jewelry, a washing machine and a nice watch, so I felt nicely rewarded after all. :) I got a nice silver chain and pendant, it has a beautiful picture of Lord Krishna in it! Dada left for Houston sometime in the late afternoon and Kaku (Sudhir Krishna prabhu) came over to our house for dinner prasadam that evening. My husband cooked dinner because I was too exhausted from clearing out our home closet and nonstop cleaning well into the late afternoon. I still have nothing to show for it though, my bedroom is stacked with boxes of clothes, strollers, luggage, hampers/laundry baskets and toys... lots of baby toys. We did move the washer into our laundry room, though, so that's a plus. I decided to give away or sell whatever I could, mainly Krishna Chandra's baby clothes and paraphernalia and my extraneous stuff. By "extraneous" I mean anything and everything which is not directly necessary for my survival, i.e. clothes that I don't wear or have been "saving for a special occassion", electronic items which are out of use or anything that I've been meaning to "fix up when I get some time" and whatever else I can get rid of. If you need anything and don't feel like paying for it(or want it really cheap), you should probably email me and ask for it, I probably have it-- whatever it is.

Springtime overalls

Today, we went out to run errands with my prabhu, and since I was feeling so chipper, I pulled out Krishna Chandra's country attire. He looked so cute dressed in his little overalls and hat, which reads loudly in red letters, "RADHE RADHE". I kept telling him that he looked adorable like a little hillbilly country boy. He was truly captivating today, too bad Maria wasn't around to photograph him, that'd have been great! I would like to show you just how sweet and charming he looked, but alas, the moment is gone. On other news, I found out that Guru Maharaj is stopping in USA during his next tour, but only in Boston, New York and North Carolina; I wonder if he will stop in Dallas later in the year? I wish I could drop everything and just drive down to North Carolina when he's in town, it'd be great to see that temple. I've heard so many wonderful things about it, the scenery, breath-taking hills and greenery everywhere, the temple ambiance and the gorgeous Deities! My husband will just blabber on and on about the wonderful memories he has there, the devotees and sometimes, after seeing that strange trans-fixed look in his eyes, I feel that he left a part of his heart there too. He really, really, really loves those Deities, Sri Sri Radha Golokananda, They're so sweet and compassionate. Unfortunately, I've never seen Them in person(only photos), but I hear that They're absolutely divine, literally too, of course! Anyway, I should probably head off to bed now, it's getting pretty late.