Thursday, August 26, 2010

Forevermore

Warning: If you have sensitive ears, I suggest you navigate away from this page because there will be some profanity. Maybe a little, maybe a lot-- no guarantees, so just walk away from the situation if you can't handle it.

Today I had another temper tantrum for the first time in what seems like weeks. I realised that although I've done a good job of keeping my moodswings and depression under wraps for nearly two weeks, I still have a lot of anger and bitterness that is just boiling underneath the surface. I realised as well that, while I am working to control my emotions and make progress in my life, there is some part of my soul deep down inside that will be deeply wounded, forevermore.

Sometimes 'devotees' pretend to be concerned about me and say stupid things like, "You never smile... why don't you smile anymore?" or "You have a lot of anger in you. You seem like you're a very angry person." Great! Did you figure that shit out all by yourself? Maybe I seeem angry or depressed or bitter because I am angry and depressed and bitter. Maybe I don't smile because the Dallas community has sucked all the enthusiasm out of me and crushed every tiny bit of my spirit. Perhaps I'm angry because I can't stand being judged or criticised or treated like a piece of shit all the goddamn time. When you need something its all, "Hey! Haribol! Jaya Prabhupada!" but when I'm of no use, nobody talks to me, no 'Haribols' no 'How are you?' no 'Hey Madri', instead I get ignored and avoided by everyone. When I first came to Radha Kalachandji Dham, I was still a wide-eyed young brahmacarini, eager to serve Vaishnavs and expected nothing in return but instead I was exploited, mistreated, gossiped about and sometimes girls even had the nerve to say mean things about me to my face like, "My parents don't like you because they say you don't follow the rules and regulations." Where the fuck do you get off saying shit like that? And where the fuck do people get off assuming things about my private life that has nothing to do with their own spiritual life? Maybe you should mind your own stupid-ass shitty-person anarthas. Because you have plenty of that shit... trust me... maybe from now on I should just call you on your shit.

Maybe I'm wrong but I recall Srila Rupa Goswami saying something about, "endeavoring with patience, determination and enthusiasm" in devotional service. Well guess what.. I did that and this place has a way of sucking all the love out of bhakti. I just can't do it anymore.. so no, don't pretend to give a fuck about the goings-on in my life because I know that you don't really give a damn about me or my family or my life. I learned early on that you can't confide in devotees because real devotees don't exist. The ones that pass as devotees in Kali-yuga are envious, full of negativity, judgemental, will misguide you and give you shitty advice instead of offering practical solutions. Even if you tell someone that you have suicidal thoughts or tendencies, with very little concern for your life and emotional state they will advise you to, "Just chant Hare Krishna." What the hell kind of stupid advice is that? Chanting Hare Krishna will magically make all my problems disappear? Hmm... it sounds like a bunch of bullshit excuses to me, much like what a drug-addict uses to avoid their problems; they simply preoccupy themselves to avoid facing reality, "Here, just take some opiates to help you forget that your life is screwed up and not how you wanted it to turn out, its a temporary fix but nevermind that [for now]."
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