Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Diary Entry for Today

Today, Chandaneswar prabhu is cooking for Lord Kalachandji at the temple (Kamala Lochan mataji and Anjana Suta prabhu have filled in for him this past week) while Krishna Chandra and I spend time at the park. Loitering and lounging around. My muscles are still really sore from Monday's blissful program with Srila Lokanath Maharaj so I'm working to move the stiffness out of my joints by pressing the calf muscles against the bench. Some stiffness has subsided but there is still some pain. My wrist is also bothering me, it feels stiff and hard to control sometimes even shaky or spasmy ( I know that is not a real word). I spoke to Charles today and it felt nice to talk to someone , I've been so alone and afraid these past few months, meh... years. I didn't want to open up anymore because I was tired of being neglected and rejected all these years so I just stopped bothering and let it all build up inside. I've been thinking about taking my own life more and more often recently. That has been on my mind since I was just a little girl but I remember there was a ten year period in my life when it dissipated almost completely and I continued my life as 'normal' resuming the 'normal' activities of a teenager until one day life again became vapid and bland. Now, at twenty-five years of age, I've come to the realization that again I'm dissatisfied with my life. There is a deep, pervasive loneliness to the ethos of my existence. The atmosphere is always fresh, full of brightness, enticing and enchanting flavors and aromas around me but to what use is it all if there is no one to share it with? I still feel isolated and alone.
Strangely enough, Life has new flavor and color all around, I don't know if anyone else can sense it, if this is my vivid imagination or if Material Nature is having some kind of renaissance but I can perceive it well. Trees are brighter, greener, livelier, sounds are more distinct and Mother Nature seems to be breathing again. Even buildings have more texture, depth and the Earth on a whole seems to be illuminated before my very eyes. It is, as if the whole of matter has taken on another dimension, instead of plain old 3D Life is again in 4D....

Now that I've experienced it I feel like I can retire this useless, worthless body.
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