Bored Ramblings

Last night I had a dream that I was cooking kheer, rice pudding, and it reminded me of my fifth wedding anniversary in Belpukur when I made kichuri (rice and lentil stew) and kheer for Madan Gopal. I can't recall the dream, but from what I can put together, it was pretty lucid and realistic. There were no demons and I was no demon slayer. There was no handsome stranger trying to seduce me away from my partner. There was no grand temple inauguration or festival I was presiding over. How boring. What I can tell you is that when I woke up this morning, I specifically remembered dream-self desperately wanting to make kheer for Giriraj so I think it means Giriraj wants kheer. :)
In other news, Chandaneswar prabhu is training me in deity worship. We have been increasing our regular service since Giri Govardhan śila arrived in our home this summer and Chandaneswar prabhu wants me to know all the priestly stuff. It's slow going because between school, Krishna Chandra, martial arts, Giriraj, and sewing, I have to brush up on my Bengali to read up on procedures. It's definitely worth the trouble though, regardless of whether I receive brahmin initiation or not.
Since Giriraj arrived, I've been doing more crafting. Giriraj is definitely easier to sew for because He doesn't have specific dimensions that I must adhere to like the Deity forms. Also, since He receives daily bathing and dressing and doesn't have a wardrobe, I'm constantly designing new jewelry and outfits for him. Sometimes we borrow items from the other Deities for Giriraj to wear. I might knit or crochet something for him tomorrow. It's Odana sasti.
I'm supposed to go to India again this winter and I might see you-know-who. I'm still mad at him because he's an idiot, but I love him so I guess I should try to reconcile the relationship or at least try not to slap the living hell out of him. Anyway, I talked to him on the phone a couple weeks back and he apologized, slightly, but I imagine even that was a huge step for him and his enormous ego. I don't even know why the hell I answered the phone. I don't even know why the hell I told him I'd be in Mayapur. I don't even know why the hell I want to see him after all that bullshit he did and said to me. At any rate, I can't wait to hang out with Sanat Kumar and Jayadev's family. Hopefully we get to travel to Vrindavan or something. I really want to take them on pilgrimage. They seem hopeful as well.
The end of the semester is upon us and you know what that means-- finals week. In my case, I have a music jury I'm not particularly excited about. I feel like I'm butchering this poor concerto at this point. I don't think practicing this last couple days is going to give me any more of an edge; I think I've already over practiced and strained my body this semester. That's probably why my shoulders are sore every morning and why my hands cramp or go numb. I feel weakness or numbness in my right hand more often than my left and I always thought it was because my muscles were developing again. Last week my left hand cramped and fell asleep during my lesson! Somehow I managed to play through it, we were sight-reading a Bach partita, double stops and all. I didn't tell my master because I was afraid he'd make me put my instrument down for fear of dropping it. I think I worry him. If I ask him about stuff like this, he gives me the worried look tells me to sit down for a minute.
What else? There's a dozen other things I'd love to talk about but I can't right now. I have to finish some Chemistry homework/labs. :((
Oh, I hate typing Chem labs. There's a million data cells and you have to keep your data organized and shit or you may screw up your report. Great fucking waste of hours of your time.

Radha Madhava-Kalachandji

This morning, at 3:51 am, I woke up from a strange dream. I dreamt I was at a temple, possibly Mayapur, during a large festival gathering. From what I could tell, this was not an American temple, it looked like Mayapur Chandradaya mandir,  except Radha Kalachandji stood where Radha Madhava stand amidst the sakhira. I scanned the temple room to find familiar faces, but to no avail. I pondered if this would be my last opportunity to see Them once again, and gasped for breath. The thought alone petrified and paralyzed me in fear. I threw myself upon the floor, offering astanga pranam, and began rolling my entire body, such as the Bangladeshi mothers do in full, loving surrender.
"I may never see you again, my Lord. I don't know when I will see you again." It seems from my behavior, that this was a special darshan, meaning, no one else saw Kalachandji; this was a special significator for something amazing and rare. When I looked up, I saw a familiar face, a devotee from our community was taking darshan of Radha Madhava-Kalachandji; she was completely alone, and she was wearing non-devotional attire. I thought this was strange because she usually wears saris.
When I looked up to see Kalachandji, I noticed that He was taking darshan of Mataji; Sri Radhe and Kalachandji were having darshan of their devotee, and Kalachandji gracefully smiled at her. I could understand that only by special mystic vision could I witness this occurrence, and I bowed before Their Lordships once again, rolling on the ground.
I typically don't journal these dreams publicly for the same reason, but I thought I would write it anyway. I don't know whether I should reveal this dream to this Mataji or if I should keep it secret. I have a feeling this dream has a deep significance, and it may be better if I keep it to myself. 

My Heart

My heart is wicked, cruel and hard like a rock. Having repeatedly felt the hard blows of Maya and my own karma, I feel suspcious and distrustful of everyone. I am selfish, greedy, angry, and bitter because I am constantly defeated in material endeavors. I even wish ill on others because my heart is so black with envy.
There are, however, just a handful of special souls that I have come to trust, love, respect and with whom I share my heart. Srila Bhakti Ratna Sadhu Swami Maharaj is among those polished and glittering gems I have found through the mercy of Sri Guru in my journey of spiritual life. Maharaj is a loving and understanding spiritual master, who takes time out of his busy schedule to listen to my juvenile and selfish complaints. He expertly guides me out of frustration and into determination with gentleness and understanding. His gentle-heart has thoroughly melted and captured my heart. Though I am unmotivated and spiritually innert, He inspires me to strive harder, set higher goals, and remain ever-enthusiastic in devotion.  Srila Sadhu Maharaj always enchants us with beautiful pastimes and, even though I am not qualified to understand them, they bring joyful tears to my eyes! I am stone-hearted and can not be moved otherwise but somehow, when Maharaj narrates a beautiful pastime or describes the Dham, Nama, or Parshads of the Lord, I feel inexplicable joy.
I can only surmise that it is due to the unbounded mercy of Sri Guru Gauranga and Sri Nityananda Avadhuta, that I have come across such a gem of pure devotion and bliss. I have witnessed with my own heart the deep significance of Maharaj's name: 'Bhakti' because he remains constantly enraptured in devotional service, "Ratna" because he is fully polished in the art of devotion and shines like a gem above all others, and "Sadhu" because he supercedes all standards, being naturally gentle and cultured in his demeanor, he wins the heart of everyone.
Thank you for your countless blessings and good will, Maharaj. Certainly one day I shall develop a taste for chanting the Holy Names of the Lord and I am certain it will be due to my great fortune-- your loving association.

Sri Nitai Pada Kamala

Heartache

My heart aches. I'm so terrified it hurts and I don't even know of what I am afraid.

My entire life, I've contented myself with simply admiring the beauty of the ocean's shore. I endeavored to find the ocean in hopes of an escape but waded cautiously on large boulders rather than seal my fate. Now that I behold her infinite beauty, my fears I can't delay. Should I dive in fully and immerse myself or shivering run away?

Śrī Rādhā-kuṇḍa

This morning I reached for the Sri Radha Kunda mati instead of the gopi-chandan to put on my tilak. It wasn't a conscious decision, really; usually, I just grab whatever is available in the morning, usually its still dark. Today, as I picked up the chunk of Sri Radha Kunda, I began thinking about how fortunate I am to have bathed in the sacred pond, apply the mud on my body and even, though fleetingly, remember that abode, form, pastimes and wonderfulbhagavats that serve and worship there. I want to share this particular verse from Sri Upadeshamrita; although my meditation is weak and fleeting, maybe by reciting this verse and remembering the glories of Sri Radha Kunda, one day I will be able to fully immerse my mind, body and soul in service and meditation upon that nectar-ocean.

The holy place known as Mathurā is spiritually superior to Vaikuṇṭha, the transcendental world, because the Lord appeared there. Superior to Mathurā-Purī is the transcendental forest of Vṛndāvana because of Kṛṣṇa's rāsa-līlā pastimes. And superior to the forest of Vṛndāvana is Govardhana Hill, for it was raised by the divine hand of Śrī Kṛṣṇa and was the site of His various loving pastimes. And, above all, the superexcellent Śrī Rādhā-kuṇḍa stands supreme, for it is overflooded with the ambrosial nectarean prema of the Lord of Gokula, Śrī Kṛṣṇa. Where, then, is that intelligent Person who is unwilling to serve this divine Rādhā-kuṇḍa, which is situated at the foot of Govardhana Hill?