New Acquaintances

Have you ever met someone new and trusted him or her implicitly? I do not typically trust or disclose much personal or pertinent information about myself to strangers or casual acquaintances but when I do, it is because I feel like I haven nothing to lose by holding back. I guess that is how I have felt lately. I instinctively felt that I could trust this person with myself because sHe knew who I was and where I was headed or what I wanted in life or in death. I can’t describe it any other way and for some reason, I feel like I want to express every part of it, expose the darkest corners of that dream and let you see inside.

I got that feeling recently from someone in real life and it caught me off guard. I disclosed information that I have been holding on to for a long time. I did not think twice or hesitate about disclosing it. I even felt this person was trustworthy and worthy of my truth. This has not happened to me a lot but it has started happening with more frequency. At first, I met a few people that I trusted with vaguely personal things, and then I met many people—complete outsiders from my world—but I felt that they were not outsiders, they were insiders and they knew me. They knew the deepest parts of me because they experienced, felt, and understood the same experiences.
Lately I have been focusing only on violin studies and my personal puja. I do not worry if people do not see me at the temple; in fact, I have stopped going every day. There was a time when I had to go to temple for darshan once a day. It was compulsory. Now I do not really care and many times I do not even bother going to feasts for very long if I am not feeling it. Instead, I stay home and worship my personal deities. I gather flowers and leaves from my garden for Them and bathe Them with a simple abhishek. I give them Tulasi leaves and sing for Them without fancy melodies but with heartfelt lyricism.
All right, so in my dream, I travelled to Mayapur with some friends. We would be there about a month or so and I heard that Indradyumna Maharaj was coming back to India around that time so I brought my violin with me. I waited around the Mayapur Chandradaya Mandir in hopes of seeing some familiar faces or making new friends. As it turned out, a few young women were walking by, clad in bright yellows, pinks, and whites, and carrying instruments, costumes, and sewing baskets. I immediately fell in with them and befriended their leader. They were all from Eastern Europe and met at various events. The leader was hand-sewing new outfits that employed Indo-Western fused fashion elements. I was taken aback because I have never seen another devotee wear, much less create that kind of garb for temple activities, and she was doing it by hand. I have experience with sewing machine but I will be the first to admit that my hand stitching needs more practice and I realized this would be an excellent way to learn and improve my craft. Interested, I asked her if she needed help, an assistant, to press, gather, pleat, baste and so on. I explained that I had some experience but I wanted to learn more from her and she agreed. First, I noticed she was making pleated trim by hand so I offered to show her a technique I developed that made the process much faster. When I showed her, her face lit up and she said, “That’s brilliant! What else do you know? Quickly we became best friends by exchanging methods and techniques; she also loved music and studied back home so naturally Maharaja brought her along during Harinam tours and concerts. Her quarters hosted a dozen other girls, equally talented in various fields. Some girls were dancer/choreographers, others costume designers, other actresses and directors, and some were painters. When they learned that I studied violin, they asked me to join their troupe and I was so excited that they invited me in!
Later on, I went back to the temple where I saw a disturbing sight. My mother travelled to India and was lying in a cot sick and weak. I went to see her but she said it was merely jetlag and she’d been worse before. I told her that she should have told me should would come so I could arrange lodging for her but she said, “No, just let me sleep and close the door.” When I opened the door to exit, rays of light streamed in, and I noticed some boys in bed with her, my nephews! All four curled up with grandma, snuggled in close like wolf pups in a den. I asked her why she brought them along, scolding her, “Don’t you know they can’t stay in these quarters? This is for the local pilgrims who cannot afford lodging! They need beds, not woven cots! The heat will get to them, they need running water, showers, and AC!” Next to them, I saw another devotee I recognized from Dallas. I was stunned; certainly, an American can afford a room in the guesthouse, so why was he bunched up on a horrible cot in the underbelly of the building? When I kissed my nephews and mother, they felt hot! I felt obligated to check the other devotee as well, so I touched his foot and sure enough, he was burning up with fever and his body was covered in sweat. Disturbed and embarrassed, I walked away in search of a devotee friend who runs the guest services in hopes of securing a couple rooms for my family and possibly this other devotee. I searched around the compound but I could not find him and he is usually easy to spot because he rides around on a bright blue motorcycle. Instead, I ran into my new friends and told them what was going on. They said they had some friends who would gladly take them in. Their house was outside of the temple compound but a short walk away. They also had AC, indoor plumbing with hot water and plenty of space for four young boys. I was relieved. Maybe these women were heaven sent, I thought, they were the loveliest and kindest ladies I ever met and they took me in like one of their own.

                                                                                                     

Travel Plans

Last night Chandaneswar prabhu came home really excited about his latest plan: a pilgrimage of South India. I was excited to see how energized he was planning this whole thing out. Apparently he and Lokojit prabhu were on the phone last night discussing it and came up with a detailed itinerary. My greatest hope is that I get to travel to Ahobhilam but I'm not sure if that will happen this time around. We're hitting Tirupati, Rameswaram, Kanya Kumari, Visakhapatnam and then complete our trip in Bombay. We've been to Mayapur, Vrindavan, and Puri in the past and I wanted to visit the Himalayan temples and South Indian temples. We will need another trip in the summer to visit Kailash and Amaranth, but I'm excited that I finally get to visit India again after five years!

Radha Madhava-Kalachandji

This morning, at 3:51 am, I woke up from a strange dream. I dreamt I was at a temple, possibly Mayapur, during a large festival gathering. From what I could tell, this was not an American temple, it looked like Mayapur Chandradaya mandir,  except Radha Kalachandji stood where Radha Madhava stand amidst the sakhira. I scanned the temple room to find familiar faces, but to no avail. I pondered if this would be my last opportunity to see Them once again, and gasped for breath. The thought alone petrified and paralyzed me in fear. I threw myself upon the floor, offering astanga pranam, and began rolling my entire body, such as the Bangladeshi mothers do in full, loving surrender.
"I may never see you again, my Lord. I don't know when I will see you again." It seems from my behavior, that this was a special darshan, meaning, no one else saw Kalachandji; this was a special significator for something amazing and rare. When I looked up, I saw a familiar face, a devotee from our community was taking darshan of Radha Madhava-Kalachandji; she was completely alone, and she was wearing non-devotional attire. I thought this was strange because she usually wears saris.
When I looked up to see Kalachandji, I noticed that He was taking darshan of Mataji; Sri Radhe and Kalachandji were having darshan of their devotee, and Kalachandji gracefully smiled at her. I could understand that only by special mystic vision could I witness this occurrence, and I bowed before Their Lordships once again, rolling on the ground.
I typically don't journal these dreams publicly for the same reason, but I thought I would write it anyway. I don't know whether I should reveal this dream to this Mataji or if I should keep it secret. I have a feeling this dream has a deep significance, and it may be better if I keep it to myself. 

Dhām, Dhan, and Dharā

Yesterday I had another interesting dream worth noting. It took place in India at a temple, but one portion involved a local prison, interestingly enough.

In my dream, an old high school friend was traveling with me on a tour. He had a room in the temple's guesthouse, and worked on recording/editing audio. It appears I was performing again, and I was traveling to my favorite places on the pretext of touring. I was in Mayapur again, and the rice paddy was growing high. I couldn't believe it; I was elated and leapt with joy as I walked the muddy roads. There was torrential rain, and roads were washed away. I didn't care that my sari was soaked. I didn't care that I had to hike up my sari and struggle down the muddy, slippery road. I was content. As I struggled toward the temple compound, I sang and skipped along the paths. I saw flood waters near the end of the road, and the surplus spilled into a small dirgha. The river seemed to change its path, and I felt reassured in seeing it. The earth smelled beautifully fragrant, alive with all manner of plants and aquatics. 

I finally arrived back at the temple guesthouse, where I met my friend. He was happy to see I made it safely to Mayapur. He didn't know I'd been there several days already. He was working diligently while I roamed the flooded countryside, and I didn't care to tell him. It was best he found out, it was time I focused on my work. I headed to my room, showered, and changed into a fresh garment. I had an assortment of beautiful gowns, saris, and frocks on my room. I wondered why anyone with such pretty dresses at home would ever choose to run in the muck outside. I felt quiet and alone in my room as the dresses didn't console me, and I suddenly felt the urge to wander the town. 

Restless, I left the temple compound and headed toward the bazaar. There I saw trains, busses, and rickshaws headed in every direction; I walked further and spotted a jail. The jail was a chatur shala building, like a square. The interior courtyard was sealed with metal mesh to keep the prisoners from escaping. Some cried out to me, "Devi, please have mercy. Kripa koren! Bless us, please, that we may leave this place." 

I couldn't understand why they were calling out. I simply felt sad, and wondered what good prayers or blessing would be. Despondent, I turned back and sang a song. The prisoners cried, "Beautiful! Sing more for us, it brings us joy, ma'am. Please don't walk away from us." I turned and proposed to sing more songs if it pleased them, but all devotional songs of Śrī Hari. They wept with joy, and thanked me.   

I headed back, I told them I would return with instruments and more vaishnavas. 

My friend asked me as I wandered in for the second time, glassy-eyed and covered in mud, "Where do you keeping disappearing to?" 

Mayapur. 

Sri Belpukhuriya Meditations

Sri Belpukuriya Meditations

As I sprint to the sacred banyan tree, I catch the sweet sounds of cymbals singing out in the misty, morning air. The whole of Belpukur is rejoicing, it is the last day of our spring festival. The final procession of pilgrims will make their journey through our village and I will be the only American around for miles. I'll have my oasis all to myself but I want everyone to appreciate this celestial abode. The residents call us sadhus, sages, because we follow the strict Vaishnava discipline but a real sage is one who lives permanently in a holy place, like Belpukur. Belpukur is a unique sacred site, intoxicatingly beautiful and my second home.

Sri Madan Gopal

Belpukur is unique and special among holy places. In the scriptures it is said to be supreme. This is where Mother Sachi was born and raised. In this very village, she worshipped her family deity named Sri Madan Gopal who is 1700 years old. I visit Sri Madan Gopal temple in the mild chill of morning. An old, slippery, mud path winds from my backyard, past straw huts and an orchard toward the temple lawn. I can hear a spinning wheel creaking and the loud cracks of a wooden handloom. I arrive in time to get a sprinkling of rose scented holy water. I bow down before Sri Madan Gopal, an enchanting cowherd with a garland of flowers strewn across his chest and a bamboo flute pressed to His lips. The priest gives me some pebbles of rock candy and bright marigolds, remnants from the ritual offering. I feel immensely satisfied when I visit the local temple. The place lights up with brightly colored banners, smiling pilgrims, and flower garland decorations during festivals. Belpukur is like heaven on earth.

Belpukur is an intoxicatingly beautiful tropical scene. The melodious symphony of song-birds reverberate and shatter the sky. An army of svelte bael trees tower above and defend us from sunshine in a battle as old as time. There is an abundance of swimming holes at every step and you can hear children diving into their depths with laughter. Belpukur is drenched in water most of the year. During the monsoon season, rain will pour like a river from the sky. Rice fields continue as far as the eye can see. The cows drift freely from one pasture to the next and kick up a cloud of dust in the late afternoon. The trees are infested with wild monkeys gathering ripe fruits. They smash wood apples on the ground and scoop out the delicious, creamy pulp. The scene is beautified by dancing bees and the fragrance of aromatic jasmine and hibiscus in the air. Sri Belpukuriya is the most bewitching place on Earth. 
Sri Belpukuriya is my home far away from home. I feel revived and nourished here. Everyone treats me like family or an acquaintance from countless lifetimes. The villagers are unpretentious and genuine which gives me a sense of belonging. In the lazy afternoon, we eat fresh, ripe fruit and bake in the sun together while listening to funny stories. The youth address me as their older sister and the elders affectionately call me their daughter-in-law. As the winter season comes to an end, the spring festivities commence with fervor. In the evening we all dress up and rush to the festival. There are savory snacks at every stall, hot and spicy potato samosas with tamarind sauce drizzled on top. A chai vendor makes the tastiest spiced milk with just a hint of saffron that tingles your nose. The clang of bells and gongs chase after the holy names of God and the air is dank with camphor, incense and flowers. Thousands of pilgrims chant and dance all night in a trance-like state. A fleeting moment inside the festival ground feels like an eternity. The strong social bonding and familial ties in Belpukur makes it my second home. 

I finally made it to the rendezvous point under the sacred banyan tree. The entire world was present under the shade of that enormous banyan and I searched the crowd for my dear friend, Prema Rupa. When I found her, I recounted my stay in Belpukur for the past six months and walked an eternity to my house. I showered her with the same loving hospitality that was shown to me and she rested on my verandah. Belpukur is indeed my favorite place in the world. It is my second home, enchantingly beautiful and a supremely celestial holy site.

My Heart

My heart is wicked, cruel and hard like a rock. Having repeatedly felt the hard blows of Maya and my own karma, I feel suspcious and distrustful of everyone. I am selfish, greedy, angry, and bitter because I am constantly defeated in material endeavors. I even wish ill on others because my heart is so black with envy.
There are, however, just a handful of special souls that I have come to trust, love, respect and with whom I share my heart. Srila Bhakti Ratna Sadhu Swami Maharaj is among those polished and glittering gems I have found through the mercy of Sri Guru in my journey of spiritual life. Maharaj is a loving and understanding spiritual master, who takes time out of his busy schedule to listen to my juvenile and selfish complaints. He expertly guides me out of frustration and into determination with gentleness and understanding. His gentle-heart has thoroughly melted and captured my heart. Though I am unmotivated and spiritually innert, He inspires me to strive harder, set higher goals, and remain ever-enthusiastic in devotion.  Srila Sadhu Maharaj always enchants us with beautiful pastimes and, even though I am not qualified to understand them, they bring joyful tears to my eyes! I am stone-hearted and can not be moved otherwise but somehow, when Maharaj narrates a beautiful pastime or describes the Dham, Nama, or Parshads of the Lord, I feel inexplicable joy.
I can only surmise that it is due to the unbounded mercy of Sri Guru Gauranga and Sri Nityananda Avadhuta, that I have come across such a gem of pure devotion and bliss. I have witnessed with my own heart the deep significance of Maharaj's name: 'Bhakti' because he remains constantly enraptured in devotional service, "Ratna" because he is fully polished in the art of devotion and shines like a gem above all others, and "Sadhu" because he supercedes all standards, being naturally gentle and cultured in his demeanor, he wins the heart of everyone.
Thank you for your countless blessings and good will, Maharaj. Certainly one day I shall develop a taste for chanting the Holy Names of the Lord and I am certain it will be due to my great fortune-- your loving association.

Sri Nitai Pada Kamala

My Final Wish

I wanted to add this tidbit of information about the last couple months of my trips, which are the least journalized. I traveled to Puri Dham where I stayed in Srila Bhaktiratna Sadhu Swami's ashram, then visisted Bhubaneśwar where I stayed with Premananda Prabhu. After that, we made visits to Vrindaban, Ekachakra, Tarapith and Purandar prabhu's village known as Dinajpur or Kaliganj. We returned to Belpukur, our headquarters during the remainder of our stay and participated in the Nabadvip Mandal Parikram and met up with Maharaj and several others during the festival. The past several weeks we spent hanging out with young brahmacharies, they're mostly Bengali, in their twenties and very adventurous. We frequently needed favors and the brahmacharies make very willing errand-boys because they know we'll buy their treats, snacks and other gifts for them. They also sneak us into places we're not usually allowed for a private, VIP tours of places, especially during the Nabadvip Mandal Parikram. They're really kind of wild and get into all kinds of adventures, sometimes I wish I'd been born a male in this wonderful land of Nadia, West Bengal or even anywhere in India. I wish I could relish the excitement and adventure of the brahmachari life too. They're like brothers in saffron and have a bond between them that is richer than blood. I really admire these boys, they're playful, sweet and affectionate just like gentle calves. I really like it when they surround me and call me 'Mataji' or 'Mata' or call out 'Maa' so sweetly and humbly that it just melts my heart. If only I could have such wonderful sons, hundreds of them, to surround me at all times! God, how I miss them. In a way though, they are my sons, brothers, gurus and friends rolled into one; when I think of them tears fill up my eyes. My only misfortune is their absence while I'm away from India, rotting away in the West. The only thing I can do is weep and pray, "Lord, please grant me entrance into Your transcendental abode, Sri Nadia. May I always be surrounded by cows and devotees, near Ma Ganga and able to wander the beautiful transcendental playground of Sri Navadvip Dham. Let me remain near them always and constantly hear the sound of their sweet voices calling out, 'Maa'."

Diary Entries from India

Sunday October 10, 2010
I just arrived from the market where i procure several items. A craft blade (X-acto knife), pen, notebook, sweetened yogurt, two blouses, three saris, soap, face-wash, tape measure. I intend to keep short record of all items purchased. I need to purchase a small calculator in order to carefully count to the tenths and hundredths of a dollar. Is it really necessary? Yes, because 45 rupees is equal to a dollar and almost everything around here costs less than that, beggars ask for a single rupee coin which is equal to .02222 of a dollar, so, you figure it out. I was incredibly depressed upon arriving in Dhubulia and decided to go out in order to avoid awkwardness at home with my in-laws. Madri out.

Monday October 11, 2010
Today I washed all my clothing including the crocheted mitts I'm using for practicing drum. Biswanath (Dada from here on in) says he will find if there is any violin shop or teacher nearby for me. I hope I can find a good violin here so I can play something. (I should have just brought my instrument from Dallas with me) Yesterdays's blouses fit well, I'm happy for that. Today I'm hoping to get some organizing done, we're planning to go to Krishna-nagar tomorrow. Dada is in a bind to procure a mechanic for the car, it has now become a financial burden-- I'm not sure if I can help or now. Chandaneśwar prabhu has advised me to keep whatever Lakshmi I have to myself, he will wire funds for Dada possibly tomorrow afternoon. Madri out.

Tuesday October 12, 2010
Today after a late breakfast, a gentleman by the name of Gopal came to the house unexpectedly. Later I found out that this man is a friend of Chandaneśwar prabhu; he is a sadhu and an adept palm reader/astrologer. I asked if he would read my palm (I'm very curious and attached to palmistry and astrology). He said that my Jupiter, Mercury, Venus and Moon were very good right now. Rahu, ketu and Mars are not good, that they were causing mental distress, worry and anger ( I couldn't have agreed more) and so he recommended I wear a garnet. I acquired a garnet for myself, a ruby for mom and moonstone for Krishna Chandra. I will get the stones checked for quality then pay for the stones when prabhu sends me more money. Today we are going to Krishnanagar, I intend to purchase slips and blouses for my fancy saris, natural sindhur (kumkum) and gold. dada says he found violin shops in Tollygung, he will go and find out more soon. Madri out.☺

Tuesday October 19th, 2010 Ekadasi
Today we are taking a daytrip to Mayapur. I plan to purchase some items but just check the price for a ticket change. I have 800 USD and 2660 RS, hopefully I can change the ticket so KC and I can head home. Babai gave Krishna Chandra grains this morning because KC said he was hungry, I realise that even despite the fact that we planned to go to Mayapur specifically to have lunch prasad on Ekadasi, still Babai is careless about observing fasts or even respecting my wishes. He said he didn't know it was Ekadasi even after we cancelled yesterday's trip to Mayapur after hearing that there was no Ekadasi (our calendar was wrong) and rescheduled for today. Either he totally forgot, deliberately ignored or just didn't care a damn bit about it. I've managed to keep KC observing the fast days since he was born, I wanted him to develop a habit of preparing and honoring annukalpa on the proper fasting days. That includes the Appearance days of Vishnu tattva. We have followed all fasts very strictly until now (only by the Lord's mercy). I wanted to fast again tomorrow for Krishna Chandra  but Chandaneśwar prabhu said that since he's still a kid, we can just let it pass. What bothers me more is that he's developed a habit of eating outside food and snacks here which I fear he won't break upon going back home. He asks for junk food that we never allow him at home simply because he knows that he can easily manipulate the other male family members and they allow themselves to be easily manipulated! It is, after all, the easiest and laziest option-- no cooking or headache. How very convenient for everyone!

Monday November 1st 2010 Today we are venturing off to the big city in search for treasure. I plan to purchase a harmonium, a violin and any thing extra things I may see. New Market has vegetables that are hard to find here.. Hopefully I can get them there. Avocados here I come! (I managed to bring that harmonium to USA! No violins in India, all firewood. )

Monday November 15th 2010 Jagaddhatri Puja
Today I offered a special puja to Goddess Jagaddhatri on the occasion of Krishna Chandra's birthday also on the same day. I spent the entire afternoon helping out and photographing the pujo pandal. After some time Dada came for me with Krishna Chandra, they took darshan and we headed home with a plate of prasad from Ma Jagaddhatri. The goddess was stunningly beautiful and sweet. I was very amazed and in awe during her arati-kirtan that I was again drawn to Her and started recording the ceremony. The whole place was in-fumigated with the fragrant aroma of frankincense , coconut skins and incense blends. Whatever sinful parasites dwelled within my heart have been vanquished during it; now, the intoxicating fumes have dissipated into thin air but the peace and happiness it brought on my soul has found a fertile ground upon which to take root deep within my heart. I love the Goddess and I pray for her love and eternal blessings. (Jagaddhatri is benevolent form of Durga offering blessings.)

January 13,2011 I've spent the past few days at Mana's home, yesterday I came back to Pampa's house on the pretext of preparing for Prabhu's arrival. In reality though, I was afraid of falling ill again and anxious to return to Pampa's house. Though I enjoy staying with Mana more than Pampa, the reality is that I'm falling ill every other day and the facilities there are very austere, no bathroom and a concrete outdoor latrine; this wouldn't be such a problem I guess were it not for the freezing nightly temperatures. The night before last I had gas, nausea and finally severe dysentery. I must have used the toilet at least six or seven times during the night; when I visited the doctor in the morning he alerted me that my BP was very low and prescribed homeopathic remedies. I drank homemade saline, about two litres worth, throughout the day to re-hydrate myself. I've arrived to the conclusion that the culprit is undigested food. I've also gone straight to bed after eating which has unsettled my stomach. I'm going to try to improve my eating habits (not overeat) and give my body plenty of exercise and rest at the proper times. Chandaneśwar prabhu is finally coming to India. He leaves Dallas on the 23rd and will arrive on the next day or so in India. I'm so incredibly stunned that the information cannot fully digest into my brain. Usually I dissolve info and process it rapidly and so I have the advantage  of thinking ahead while others can not plan ahead and make changes in plans so quickly. For example, the day before leaving for Kolkata I asked Biswanath-da if his wife was planning to come along and he replied "No, she has no business there." However, the next morning she simply sat in the car and tagged along anyhow. Realizing this was her way of trying to squeeze out my last dime, I avoided going out to eat or shopping (even if she offers, she'll stick me with the bill) and called Minu-di ahead of time to cook for us. As expected, she asked several times if we were planning to eat at Lakshmi Narayan Mandir (they have a nice vegetarian canteen) while at the dentist's office. I simply laughed after hearing how mom handled the situation. She simply pinned the blame on me saying, "Meli says no, I asked her if she would go and she wants to eat at Minu-di's home instead." This shut her up for good as she didn't bring it up anymore. I applauded her boldness and quick-thinking, mother is quiet the adept politician. What's more interesting is how Didi didn't feel like sticking around Kolkata suddenly... maybe it has to do with the fact that I refused to take her shopping again. I found a nice bhajan singer, he's on television; actually, I think he's one of the descendants of the Goswamis. There is a backdrop of Banke-bihariji in the background. He's definitely one Brajwasi, he wears the red colored tilak on his forehead and he sings so beautifully.

I've been talking to Prabhu for the past hour or so about our friends family problems(names and details are left out for privacy purposes) Finally we don't know how to handle the situation, we can only pray that Krishna brings them back together. Chandaneśwar prabhu was practically crying on the phone. He says that Prabhu wants to return to Dallas but Mataji doesn't want to live with him anymore. We discussed maybe having Prabhu move in with us for sometime until he and his wife work things out and he gets a job here and gets back on his feet. The problem is discretion, Mataji doesn't want her family problems to leak out within the community.  (If Prabhu moves in with us everyone will know something is up and their personal life will be under the microscope of the community devotees, I really hate it how everyone takes sides and points the finger) The final response from her was that she'd rather leave the house and move elsewhere than live with him and be completely miserable. This situation is so sticky that I'm afraid of sticking my finger in it altogether. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

Saturday Janurary 15th, 2011
Today I spoke to Chandaneśwar and I was upset by something he said. Later I felt so enraged that I started crying. He told me that his brother knows he's arriving in India because he already told him several days ago or something to that effect. (Dada and I had a huge fight btw) When I asked prabhu why he told them that he was coming, he said that they simply nagged him until he finally said, "Yes I'm coming at this time.. etc.." in frustration only. This was much before he had confirmed his ticket or told me! What angers me is that he didn't confirm his plans with me until just two days ago but he already told them even after I asked him to avoid contact with his brother and sister-in-law. Why does he give a damn about them? I've been begging him for weeks but he wouldn't assure me of anything, he just left me out in the cold.(and struggling on my own in India) I was infuriated beyond what human words could ever possibly convey... I simply didn't want to speak to him. Still I'm upset but he's given me an apology and asked my forgiveness. I feel like opening up a bottle of liquor and drowning my mind in it.

Thursday March 17th 2011
Today is Śrila Madhavendra Puri Prabhupad's disappearance day, we came to Śantipur for his festival hoping to take prasad. For the past few days my mind is disturbed and I'm easily angered over the smallest trifles. Whenever I read Jaiva Dharma or Prem Pradip I feel peace of mind and absorption in that nectar ocean of transcendental knowledge. Aside from reading, no other activity is satisfying and I feel anxiety whenever I can not find time to read. Today I felt pain in my body, both back and stomach/lower abdomen so I was more upset than usual. I found it hard to associate with others and have anti-social thoughts and inclinations. The best thing today occurred this morning when we went to Bamanpukur. There, Sakhi Shyam prabhu was meeting us and we took him to Śantipur with us. Now we are all head to Krishnanagar to bank, and open a new account for Purandar prabhu. Hopefully the account will be opened successfully otherwise I'll have to open another in Chandaneśwar prabhus name instead.

Kabe Habe

I just have to update you on the happenings around the house. Just a couple realizations and some advice too, if you want it.

1) Knitting is for losers... I much rather crochet. Learning a new craft is tedious, knitting being the worst of needle crafts, in my opinion. I have to work hard and after only a couple weeks of practicing my wrists are hurting and I have approximately ten inches of knit fabric (in fingering weight wool, no less) I'm thinking to quit while I'm still "ahead" and count my blessings. I still have a several thousand years to prepare for the end of Kali-yuga; hopefully, I'll be in the spiritual oasis or preaching somewhere on another planet when the final curtain drops.

2) I'm finally catching up on my reading and critical thinking, particularly with Sri Bhaktivinoda Vani Vaibhava. While I was wasting my precious energies trying to prepare for the apocalypse, I also fell behind on my reading and writing (and thinking, to some extent). Part of the reason is lack of time management but the other is simple dull-headedness. I have a hard time understanding the full purports of some deeper topics; in order to fully grasp and absorb the information in the darkest recesses of my brain, I read and re-read paragraphs, sometimes entire chapters until it has become downloaded, fully analyzed and comprehended.

3) I'm as frustrated as ever, maybe even more heartbroken than before. When I was in India, I had the luxury of visiting many holy places, temples, saints and associate with them more intimately. This gave me an understanding of pure, unalloyed devotional service, an appreciation and taste for devotees of the highest caliber and, most of all, for this most secret and illusive goal. My wonderful friends in Braj and Gaud mandal are self-evident truths in human form but without them nearby, I feel extreme separation and irreparable damage done to my psyche. I feel debilitated and a pervading feeling of estrangement from my general surroundings. My mind is disturbed now more than ever and I honestly don't know what I will do; it seems there is no practical solution for my current dilemma. Sri Nityananda and Gaura-hari are at the momentmy only solace, refuge and ultimate shelter. The ground trembles and crumbles away while the two munificent brothers remain and pacify my aching heart.

Last, I just want to add, "kabe habe, bolo, se din amar?" and all the lamenting that goes with feeling deprived...