Behind The Mask

Yesterday I was frustrated and on the precipice of a heart-wrenching and conflicting realization. I desperately wanted to burst open and pour out all my thoughts, feelings and anxieties but I resisted. I resisted even in the presence of someone with no personal connection to my past or present circumstances or any personal bias. I resisted because I was afraid that someone would finally see me for who I really am rather than the mask I flash before them. Someone could unearth the interred remains of an identity I desperately tried to suppress and stifle ages long ago. For what more terrifying monsters lie in wait for us than the visage of our most repulsive and impulsive selves? Am I subhuman? A monster? Selfish? Greedy? Lusty? Unabashed? Impetuous? Immoral? Deceptive?

Later, I began an uncomfortable conversation with myself in hopes of alleviating some of the internal strife only to unravel further the tangled, mangled mess and catch fleeting glimpses of a new identity with complex and apparently contradictory beliefs and values. Who am I? Who have I become? Why do I continue to resist knowing full well the repercussions of isolation?

Travel Plans

Last night Chandaneswar prabhu came home really excited about his latest plan: a pilgrimage of South India. I was excited to see how energized he was planning this whole thing out. Apparently he and Lokojit prabhu were on the phone last night discussing it and came up with a detailed itinerary. My greatest hope is that I get to travel to Ahobhilam but I'm not sure if that will happen this time around. We're hitting Tirupati, Rameswaram, Kanya Kumari, Visakhapatnam and then complete our trip in Bombay. We've been to Mayapur, Vrindavan, and Puri in the past and I wanted to visit the Himalayan temples and South Indian temples. We will need another trip in the summer to visit Kailash and Amaranth, but I'm excited that I finally get to visit India again after five years!

Five Strange Dreams

This past week I've had a series of dreams that are disturbing, weird, freaky, or just hilarious. I promise you that each was rich in overwhelming detail and if I were to indulge you with it, I'd be able to write a few short stories out of them. I am even considering doing the same and illustrating some of the vividly grotesque and enchanting images therein. Here is a list of dreams I had this past week, mind you, this is only about five... I have two or three dreams a night and these are just the ones I can recall great detail. There are others that weren't as memorable because they lacked shock value and captivating imagery.
I had a dream that I performed a marriage ceremony with an animal sacrifice ritual.
I had a dream that I was lactating suddenly after cuddling my son and talking about babies.
I had a dream that I was a work-study student and found an abandoned infant in the bathroom.
I had a dream that I was on a medical university campus and my car was stolen from the parking lot.
I had a dream that I took a married man's sexual advancements under consideration.

Interested yet? Yes? I'll tell you what happened in each of these dreams, and since they're so long and detailed, I'll do my best to be concise.

Dream 1: The Marriage Sacrifice
I stood atop a desert canyon covered in succulents and rocks with a young couple; we all wore pure white cotton cloth. I held a mantra manuscript in my own handwriting, the couple held fertility symbols: a venomous snake and an apple tree. I chanted some mantras, held their hands in my own and declared them lawfully married. Nearby lay a machete, some bronze-ware pots and dark soil. I proceed to chant sacrificial mantras over the items, provoke the cobra, kill it with my machete, and transplant the tree with the upper third of the snake's body lightly buried into the pot. The blood of the victim rejuvenated the soil, his eye peered straight out, and his body stood erect with his hood fully expanded as if he were guarding the tree. I skinned the lower two-thirds of the snake and adorned the bride with the snakeskin. I filled a bronze pot with soil, sprinkled it with blood, buried the remains, and sent them on their way with their nuptials. The entire ceremony lasted less than an hour.

Dream 2: Spilled Milk
Krishna Chandra and I sat on our bed comfortably and talked about babies at length. He asked me if I wanted more children, and I told him that I only wanted a child if she was a perfect replica of him-- intelligent, affectionate, generous, warm and understanding. I reminisced about his infancy, held him close to my breasts and kissed his beautiful face. I told him how wondrous those days were, how happy he made me, and I shed tears of joy as I gazed into his tender eyes. Immediately, I felt my breasts tingle, swell, and feel wet. When I asked him to move his head from my chest, my swollen breast fell out of my blouse and sprayed milk. He was surprised and in awe, "Is it milk?" he asked. I asked him to taste it, and he exclaimed it was the sweetest milk he ever tasted. Unbearably swollen, Krishna Chandra milked and massaged my breasts while I gushed milk all over his face. He giggled and laughed like a baby, jumped up and down upon the bed, and I beamed with happiness. I told him that my overwhelming love and affection for him brought on this phenomenon.

Dream 3: The Orphan
I was on work-study program at a prestigious university campus where I studied music. The other students mostly left for the day; we had a performance the next morning and I was in charge of cleaning the hall and bathrooms for the concert. The director of the music department left me only a single key, he warned, "All the doors will lock behind you except the bathroom, you must lock them yourself." I understood my charge and got to work quickly by first spraying the hard surfaces in the restroom and left to vacuum the hall. When I returned, I gathered the trash bags, replaced them, and wiped the disinfectant from all the hard surfaces. As I neared the last stall, I noticed a staircase leading to the ceiling. It must have been part of the old structure because the attic was sealed shut and the stairs led nowhere. At the top of the narrow stairs was a bundle of laundry, and it appeared to move slightly. I went up the ladder and grabbed the linens. It was an abandoned newborn, umbilical cord still intact. I called campus police, informed the director, and tried to calm the now crying infant. They said I needed child services and no one on campus offered me any further help. I saw a couple students and prodded them for information. No one had information, but the students enthusiastically helped me care for the baby girl.

Dream 4: I was on tour at a medical university campus. I was indecisive about my plans but heard the school had a great program that interested me. I drove my little Honda to the campus with my family, dropped them off at the auditorium, and left to park the car. I circled around the parking lot like a vulture waiting for a carcass to pick, but at least they had covered garage parking. Finally, I parked near the hospital, and left excitedly toward our rendezvous point. Chandan and Krishna Chandra had fun in the student center playing games, snacking, and interacting with other families. When I reached, the boys said they made up their mind: they loved the campus and I was applying ASAP, end of story. The tour no longer interested them, they had ventured off with some student volunteers and gotten the low-down. "Let me finish this game and we can be home in time for dinner." said Chandan. "Sure... is that okay with you sona?" Krishna Chandra agreed, I could go pull the car around while they finished their chess game. A few of the other attendants laughed and said they wished their relatives were as supportive and eager about their decision. Happily, I set off; as I neared my space, I looked around in confusion. I spotted a young man I recognized, an old friend and asked him if he could help. "Strange, are you sure you're on the right level?" "Of course. I parked right here in front of the hospital driveway; I remember this space exactly." He helped me call the campus security, and I gave my car's description. I walked back to tell the boys what happened. They came out and helped comb the parking lots.

Dream 5: I was on vacation with my family on the beach where I met an older, handsome, charming man. He was very debonair, the type that you see in old classic films, perfectly coiffed and charismatically witty. He told me he was also on vacation with his family, but he was restless and bored. I caught his eye, he told me we could have an affair as perfect strangers and never see each other again. At first, I was offended by his offer, but he asked me to sleep on it and reconsider. He was staying at the same hotel, gave me his room number, and assured me he could keep a secret. No one ever has to know about our tryst. As the day passed, I soon forgot about the man, and filled the day socializing and enjoying my friend's and family's company. When I got back to my room, I found a cryptic post-it note with a number, no name, no detail, no further information. It was him! His brazen audacity shocked me; what if my husband had suspected something? It kept me up at night and I tossed and turned until I finally began to relent. "Maybe?" 

Mesmerized

I dreamt another mesmerizing, lucid dream about you. The tenderest, loving-est, sweetest dream of you. I felt your delicious and tender kisses upon my breast and sensed the urgent longing within yours. I couldn't look away from you. I gazed deeply into your eyes, and though it was but a fleeting moment, I felt that we traversed the entire cosmos with our gaze. I couldn't wake up again. I knew the hour was late and I felt like prolonging our rendezvous. It was too late, however. I woke up to the smell of freshly brewed ginger tea and knew it was time to rise. Once again, I felt your delicious and tender kisses upon me, but not from you.

Sacred Moments

The other day I smiled. I sat and smiled for no reason at all. I sat and smiled for the first time in what seems like an era. I could not help but gaze over at you and notice that you were also glancing at me. We smiled together. I felt immense joy and my heart was alight. We both conserved our joy within, but I saw it. I saw it! You tried to hold it in but the faintest glimmer of an ecstatic holler painted your beautiful face. I thank you. I thank you repeatedly. You have sent me plummeting through the darkest depths of the ether. You have sent me bounding into the brightest light of the moon. I cannot look back. I shall not look back. Every moment is sacred.

Radha Madhava-Kalachandji

This morning, at 3:51 am, I woke up from a strange dream. I dreamt I was at a temple, possibly Mayapur, during a large festival gathering. From what I could tell, this was not an American temple, it looked like Mayapur Chandradaya mandir,  except Radha Kalachandji stood where Radha Madhava stand amidst the sakhira. I scanned the temple room to find familiar faces, but to no avail. I pondered if this would be my last opportunity to see Them once again, and gasped for breath. The thought alone petrified and paralyzed me in fear. I threw myself upon the floor, offering astanga pranam, and began rolling my entire body, such as the Bangladeshi mothers do in full, loving surrender.
"I may never see you again, my Lord. I don't know when I will see you again." It seems from my behavior, that this was a special darshan, meaning, no one else saw Kalachandji; this was a special significator for something amazing and rare. When I looked up, I saw a familiar face, a devotee from our community was taking darshan of Radha Madhava-Kalachandji; she was completely alone, and she was wearing non-devotional attire. I thought this was strange because she usually wears saris.
When I looked up to see Kalachandji, I noticed that He was taking darshan of Mataji; Sri Radhe and Kalachandji were having darshan of their devotee, and Kalachandji gracefully smiled at her. I could understand that only by special mystic vision could I witness this occurrence, and I bowed before Their Lordships once again, rolling on the ground.
I typically don't journal these dreams publicly for the same reason, but I thought I would write it anyway. I don't know whether I should reveal this dream to this Mataji or if I should keep it secret. I have a feeling this dream has a deep significance, and it may be better if I keep it to myself. 

At County Jail

I had a couple of weird dreams over the weekend. I'll share one of them with you and note why it's so weird.
In the first dream, I'm travelling on the road with Chandaneswar. This fact alone is extremely notable because we typically travel in a group: Chandaneswar, Purandar/Lokojit, Krishna Chandra, and myself. Weary and exhausted, we find a nice bed and breakfast that an acquaintance recommended to stay in. Also weird because we normally stay in budget hotels, with friends, or at the temple. Temple is ideal because it's with friends and cheap. While there, we find out that the B&B is being run by an old friend; we were delighted that all our food would be vegan. This is the only part of the dream that makes any sense because my friend is a great hostess and manages a restaurant. As I'm contemplating how wonderfully everything was being arranged, I get a phone call from the police department. They inform me that my dad had been arrested for drunk driving, and ask if I would like to bail him out. Note: my dad has been dead for four years now, this county doesn't allow phone calls for some weird reason, and calls your next-of-kin on your behalf. I rushed to the county jail to bail out my dad, also highly unusual behavior because I'm of the school of tough love, a euphemism for 'sit your ass in jail while you sober up'. At county lock-up, I see a lot of people in the office who all claim to know me from childhood. "How strange," I thought, "these people should either be dead, moved far away, or locked up themselves." My dad is released and I take notice of his appearance, he looks very young, thin, and happy. It was his first criminal offense.

Sringar and Strange Dreams

I wanted to share the mehendi and alta designs that I completed today.

Last night I felt a little restless and started doodling along my hand.

 

 Unfortunately, the paste was too thin for the cone tip size, so the lines were as not sharp or controlled as I like. Still, the design is pretty good for the quality paste I made.

 Today, I wanted to decorate my feet as well, and since the mehendi was being finicky, I decided to use alta on them. I did simple vines on the toes, petals around the ankles and a heart in the middle. Originally, I planned to draw a paan leaf, however, my brushes were too thick for the fine line work necessary for detailed artwork.

The past couple of nights I have been having strange dreams that wake me up unusually early. One such dream was about my friend's dad. He gave up his job and started teaching at a local college. I walked into my class to find he was my new professor. I told my friend about it, especially about how differently he behaved in class than at home. Another dream was about flying and mountains, I think because we flew in a small plane recently. However, the most unusual one was about a charming couple that was hell bent on seducing me knowing I was happily married. They even suggested I remain 'open-minded' with regard to my dear husband.

"Oh my Lord," I exclaimed "what exactly are you insinuating? Do I come off as 'that kind of girl' to you?" With that indignant remark, I was startled awake. I could feel my heart racing, as if I were panic stricken by a very stressful situation. I don't know why I was so upset by that situation. Maybe because deep inside my heart somewhere, I am still agitated and disturbed by sexual advances. It makes me feel like prey, locked within the vision of a dangerous predator. Particularly when it involves couples, women, or my husband.

The Elder

Last night I had a disturbing dream about lust, power, greed, and rivalry. In the dream, I was a young, powerful vampire vixen with plenty of handsome suitors at my beck and call. Naturally, many of them were bewitched by my beauty, and  others by my ability to control others. They all fought desperately for my attention, and tried to impress me in different ways. Yet, I was not satisfied by any of these young men, or their grand gestures. I lusted insatiably for only one thing-- power. I did not care what I had to do or to whom in order to secure my position as leader within the social hierarchy. I learned of a method to attain unheard-of powers by entering into a pact with the Great Grandfather, or The Elder, as he was known among the vampire race. He sired many thousands of vampire sons, and many enchanting women were betrothed to him in an attempt to attain mystic abilities. The ritual had to be conducted on a certain lunar day, and it required a sexual union which consummated our pact. Upon completion, the ritual would spontaneously produce a male child, and I would be instilled with immortal youth and supernatural abilities. The Elder was an incredibly charming, enchanting, and handsome young man, or he appeared so. Being the most sexually captivating man on Earth, he easily conquered young women throughout the centuries, and I was now among them. I was unaware, however, that I would not be making love to that same captivating man during the ritual. There was a specific condition to the ceremony: I had to perform the act while The Elder revealed his true form-- an aged, withering, ancient demon beneath the spells and illusions of dark magic. I was adamant, as The Elder transformed into a decrepit, corpse-like man with pale, empty eyes, and sunken features, I only had my goal in mind. I was so determined to attain immortal youth and supernatural powers beyond my imagination. I was the only woman who ever saw his true face and the ritual to completion. No woman ever had the determined greed for more power as I had, enough to override her disgust, repulsion, fear, or terror of The Elder's true form. 

What?

I know I said I'd make a commitment to write once a week if all possible. I didn't blog this week because I was too excited to start studying. I am really proud of myself, instead of slacking off the first week and taking it easy, I decided to review introductory chapters and reviews to get a head start. The objective being that if I hit a stumbling block, at least I won't fall behind, rather, I can take my time and absorb information without having to rush or feel pressured to catch up with the rest of my peers. I know I thought Learning Framework was going to be a decidedly easy class, however, I found that I'm looking forward to sitting in my Algebra and Writing classes instead. I already finished Chapter 0 and I have to say that the introduction to Bloom's Taxonomy and Stage Theory made my head spin. What the hell does "thinking about thinking" or "thinking about your way of thinking" mean? I already think too much and over-analyze everything. Does that mean that perhaps this class will teach me how to manipulate those thinking processes to my learning advantage? Or does it mean that I will overwhelm myself, yet again? And yes, I almost forgot 'intellectual humility'.

Feel free to cuss me out. I'll try to get back on topic during my next post. Strictly DIY sewing and crafting. Maybe a recipe or two. Has anyone tried the homemade sugar wax? If so let me know how it's working by commenting on that post here. I know it's a trial and error process so everyone will develop a wax of varying consistency and efficacy. I'll answer relevant questions so don't feel shy to ask!

No Apologies

I just had the most beautiful dream about forgiveness, Vaishnava humility, jealousy and false pride. It involved many devotees from the temple here in Dallas so I won't name everyone. Simply said, they were persons who I felt were responsible for making me feel unwelcome or excluded from temple festivals and the exclusive clique within the social hierarchy.

It all started when a sannyasi came to Dallas and we all traveled to a place near the ocean for a special festival. Many of us were playing water sports on sandbars and small islands where the water was shallow and placid. Most of the girls kept on their saris in the water so a devotee (in charge of the festival) let them borrow her skirts, saris and petticoats during the games. She approached me last to retrieve her clothing but I declined to return anything as she hadn't let me borrow anything in the first place. She insisted that I took her petticoat and a garment and I became increasingly frustrated with her.

I had invited my close friend, Ramon, to the colorful and vibrant celebration but did't expect him to attend. It was late in the festival hours and in his typical and usual fashion, he arrived unexpectedly and stole the ball. The devotee guests didn't expect to see a non-devotee within their midst and they were taken in by his cultured charm. He played games with everyone and chess with the sannyasi guest-of-honor and spoke at length with many doe-eyed gopi youth. At some point, the girls fought each other off for an opportunity to converse with Ramon. I wondered if they knew he was already taken, and gay. All the while, I stood nonchalantly and watched the big fuss from a distance. Though he was my invited guest and closest friend, I hardly had a chance to speak with him because all our movements were highly coordinated and controlled by the director of the festival. My assignment was to look beautifully poised in an incredibly gaudy and tacky sari, outside and far away from the real party.  

Breaking with accepted decorum, I took my friend by the hand away and excused ourselves from his company. "Listen, Ramon, I'm not going to beat around the bush with you because we're close friends. I'll be straight forward with you in hopes you'll be understanding." I asked him to no longer speak to any of those girls and spend the entire evening with me. If he could not agree to abstain from socializing at the party, I requested him to leave. The other devotee guests became disturbed after overhearing my proposition. Though Ramon and I had left the room, a few of them were eavesdropping on our conversation at the doorway. I was painfully aware of that situation, however, I was not aware that our sannyasi guest was resting quietly in his private room, assigned solely to him by our ever-competent festival director. 

Maharaj, hearing my selfish plea and perplexed by my actions, asked, "What's going on? You invited him to the festival and now you're asking him to leave?" I said to the sannyasi, "Please understand my reasons and do not judge me without hearing my side of the situation. I will humbly submit my case before you and after hearing carefully, you can judge me with a fair and balanced mind." Maharaj made a grand gesture and beckoned inside to hear 'Madri's side of the story'. I calmly retreated into my mind and quickly made my case.

"I know my friend is talented, charming, and social-able  I was so myself in my youth. That is why I admired him and we became instant friends. Though I'm  young, I feel old and worn out now. Nobody seeks out my company at parties anymore; no, in fact, no one even invites me to their parties. The fact that I'm standing here is testament to this: I was assigned to mingle outside near the ocean and add to the spectacular view." I looked down at my hideous sari and posed mockingly. Maharaj laughed hysterically and some guests snickered under their breath.

 "Maybe there was a hint of jealousy in my actions, I admit, but honestly who wouldn't feel the same? My friend suddenly shows up after years of not seeing him and they snatch him away from me. Then, I have to fight everyone off just to spend a moment alone with him! Wouldn't you be upset? The same people that treat me like I don't even exist! Everyone here has been mean and hurtful to me in the past and when I offer my sincere apologies and try to mend relationships with them, they turn up their noses at me.."  as I began to open up my heart, I  felt tears begin to form and I was becoming more emotional. "Excuse me, Maharaj."  I stopped in the middle of my speech, sat down in padmasana and performed a pranayam to calm the breath as Maharaj watched. 

I slowed down my heart and breath before I continued, "While apologizing, I usually become extremely upset to tears.  Seeing my vulnerability, or weakness, they harvest upon that opportunity to become more aggressive and accusational toward me instead of offering their forgiveness. So, if you expect me to apologize to these people, you'll be sadly disappointed because I believe in apologies." Maharaj there shocked and dismayed at my statements. Every one in the room remained silent and no one dared move an inch. The room was frozen in time and some individuals were touched by my words.

 "Rather than apologize to someone, Vaishnava or otherwise, I humbly submit myself before the Lord and beg His forgiveness as He knows the whole situation." I knelt down and prayed with folded hands, 'Kshama koro, Prabhu. Amar khama koro! I know I am full of fault but I rather stake my head with You. Please forgive me for being obstinate ' tears flowed freely from my eyes as I felt uninhibited even within a crowd. 

"While we call ourselves Vaishnavas, our behaviour is far from it. If you think I'm being too harsh, you have to only know my mistreatment in the past to understand why. An intelligent person doesn't repeat his mistakes after reaping the consequences. With that realization in mind, I respectfully decline to apologize and submit that my position is correct."

After hearing those words, many devotees appeared somberly aware of their wrongdoings to each other and apologized sincerely to one another. Many had tears in their eyes as they embraced and others just stood quietly, unable to render their thoughts to one another. After breaking up the gathering, Maharaj spoke with me and Ramon in private. We had a good laugh and discussed our many talents and interests: music, theatre, crafts, chess, culture and foreign language. Toward the evening, I received many thanks and apologies from devotees including--gasp-- our dictator, the festival director herself. She wanted to personally select and buy me a nice sari as a token of her appreciation.

Helicopter Crash

Last night I had the strangest dream. It's so hilarious that I decided to share it here even though I don't normally share dreams and things of a more intimate nature.

I was on a team of scientists doing research in a remote mountainous region. We had a base camp set up on the side of a mountain facing the ocean, it was ideal because it was the most accessible point and we could scout other locations from there using our nifty helicopter. A group of us set off for a smaller island off the coast about fifteen to twenty minutes east from our camp. Once we got there it was easy to see why we needed a helicopter to get there, the trek on foot would have easily taken several hours, though it was not very far, through steep moutain terrain and ridges with sheer drops into solid bedrock. As we neared the small island, we were shaken violently, strong winds were taking control of our helicopter and our pilot had no choice but to try to land or crash into the side of the mountain. We made a choppy landing onto the tiny island but our helicopter, still unstable, began to tip and sway. We jumped out and made a swim safely away from the island as we watched our helicopter blades hit the water and the rest slowly sank into the water. No one was injured, we all managed to escape the failing helicopter in time but were really shaken. Rather than panic, we took shelter of natural caves and waited for our team to come to our aid. We collected firewood and tinder for fires and settled in as night was upon us. While we waited, a small group sat stunned and traumatized on the hard bedrock and natural ridge formations near the shore and started to smoke gañja.

I pondered within myself, mockingly, if that was the real reason our helicopter crashed. I smiled and chuckled aloud a bit. My partner looked at me bemused and asked, "What's so funny?"  I suddenly wake up and blurt out, "The pilot must have been stoned." 

Trepidation

Diary entry:

January 25, 2012 Tritiya, Gaura paksha, Madhav mas...

I can't believe I'm jealous of a man. I think my jealousy is rooted in insecurity over my marriage. Sometimes I feel caged in and at other times I feel like I'm powerless or have no control over anything, especially my marriage. Sometimes I feel as if I have nobody to talk to around here except for Chandaneśwar prabhu. I guess I try too hard to impress Chandaneśwar. He doesn't seem to care... anyway. I could make other friends, cultivate relationships outside of my married life. Find others with shared interests.

বাবা মা স্বামী বউ পুরুষ মহিলা প্রেম ঘৃণা 

I love him, I'm still madly in love with him and it drives me insane. I wish I had a friend to talk with, someone who could listen for hours and remain eternally interested. Only Krishna. 

কৃষ্ণ কৃষ্ণ কৃষ্ণ কৃষ্ণ! বলরাম বলরাম! নিত্যানন্দ গৌরাঙ্গ গৌরাঙ্গ নিত্যানন্দ ! নিত্যানন্দ গৌরাঙ্গ! 

আমার সুধু পাখার হাওয়া. 

Is it wrong to feel lonely and alone when you're in a committed relationship, even happily married? Is it wrong to desire, nay, wish otherwise? To fall in love again and go mad with desire again! To feel young and invincible, rash and adventurous, bold and uninhibited by mundane social stigmas? We are limiting ourselves; we have ridiculously degrading standards for everything. I can't even believe it when I think about it. I want to run away. 

Normally, I'd pack a single bag and head for the hills, mountains, bleak isolation in the country, a farm. Alone with my thoughts--Love and Serenity, contemplating the important things: water-splashing, skinny-dipping, frolicking in the grass and sunbathing in the nude!  flowers in my hair. oil on my skin. massages. massage circles. danger. fear. trepidation. lust.

and plenty of Krishna. কৃষ্ণ কৃষ্ণ কৃষ্ণ রাম রাম রাম রাধে রাধে রাধে শ্রী রাধে, আমার রানী, প্রানেস্বরী! কৃষ্ণ আমার হৃদয়, হৃদয়নাথ!  I spoke with my friend and god-sister, Prema-rupa. I feel much better!

Refresh

Do you ever lie awake at night for no apparent reason? I don't know.. but sometimes I do. maybe I'm just going insane. I'm having trouble sleeping at night, thoughts seem to come rushing back to the surface. Tonight I'm haunted by things from my past, things that happened that I thought I could push out of my mind. Some of it is surreal and some of it is so lucid-- its as if the past came back to life. It's almost like I can re-live my experiences again; I see the same sights, hear the same sounds, even feel the same sensations. Maybe its a good thing, to have my memory resurface and gasp for fresh air... refreshed, if you will. It's not like I have a 'refresh' button for my brain and all the contents within but today I'm coming close to spilling the mental-beans. I've spent all these years trying to kill the demons, trying to stifle feelings inside me, hiding them and running away. I would much rather release all those stifled and repressed memories inside me. Unleash the demons inside me. Resuscitate them, nourish them. Ask them how they like their coffee. We have a lot to talk about.