Bored Ramblings

Last night I had a dream that I was cooking kheer, rice pudding, and it reminded me of my fifth wedding anniversary in Belpukur when I made kichuri (rice and lentil stew) and kheer for Madan Gopal. I can't recall the dream, but from what I can put together, it was pretty lucid and realistic. There were no demons and I was no demon slayer. There was no handsome stranger trying to seduce me away from my partner. There was no grand temple inauguration or festival I was presiding over. How boring. What I can tell you is that when I woke up this morning, I specifically remembered dream-self desperately wanting to make kheer for Giriraj so I think it means Giriraj wants kheer. :)
In other news, Chandaneswar prabhu is training me in deity worship. We have been increasing our regular service since Giri Govardhan śila arrived in our home this summer and Chandaneswar prabhu wants me to know all the priestly stuff. It's slow going because between school, Krishna Chandra, martial arts, Giriraj, and sewing, I have to brush up on my Bengali to read up on procedures. It's definitely worth the trouble though, regardless of whether I receive brahmin initiation or not.
Since Giriraj arrived, I've been doing more crafting. Giriraj is definitely easier to sew for because He doesn't have specific dimensions that I must adhere to like the Deity forms. Also, since He receives daily bathing and dressing and doesn't have a wardrobe, I'm constantly designing new jewelry and outfits for him. Sometimes we borrow items from the other Deities for Giriraj to wear. I might knit or crochet something for him tomorrow. It's Odana sasti.
I'm supposed to go to India again this winter and I might see you-know-who. I'm still mad at him because he's an idiot, but I love him so I guess I should try to reconcile the relationship or at least try not to slap the living hell out of him. Anyway, I talked to him on the phone a couple weeks back and he apologized, slightly, but I imagine even that was a huge step for him and his enormous ego. I don't even know why the hell I answered the phone. I don't even know why the hell I told him I'd be in Mayapur. I don't even know why the hell I want to see him after all that bullshit he did and said to me. At any rate, I can't wait to hang out with Sanat Kumar and Jayadev's family. Hopefully we get to travel to Vrindavan or something. I really want to take them on pilgrimage. They seem hopeful as well.
The end of the semester is upon us and you know what that means-- finals week. In my case, I have a music jury I'm not particularly excited about. I feel like I'm butchering this poor concerto at this point. I don't think practicing this last couple days is going to give me any more of an edge; I think I've already over practiced and strained my body this semester. That's probably why my shoulders are sore every morning and why my hands cramp or go numb. I feel weakness or numbness in my right hand more often than my left and I always thought it was because my muscles were developing again. Last week my left hand cramped and fell asleep during my lesson! Somehow I managed to play through it, we were sight-reading a Bach partita, double stops and all. I didn't tell my master because I was afraid he'd make me put my instrument down for fear of dropping it. I think I worry him. If I ask him about stuff like this, he gives me the worried look tells me to sit down for a minute.
What else? There's a dozen other things I'd love to talk about but I can't right now. I have to finish some Chemistry homework/labs. :((
Oh, I hate typing Chem labs. There's a million data cells and you have to keep your data organized and shit or you may screw up your report. Great fucking waste of hours of your time.

Well-Oiled Machine

Sri Gopi Nath Giri Dhari

Sri Lakshmi

Today Chitravasini and I had errands and shopping to do early in the morning so I didn't get to worship My Lordships this morning. Fortunately, I knew that today was going to be busy so I prepared the lunch menu and got most of the preliminary stuff out of the way. I didn't get home until almost 2pm, but as I don't have a fixed schedule for Their worship and so on, I figured I could run errands and do the puja later. After their abhishek and srngar, I offered Them something to eat and I was surprised to see that I completed my full routine in under an hour! I love it when the everything runs smoothly like a well-oiled machine!

Sri Sri Lakshmi Narasimha Deva

Sri Madan Gopal Ji

I have been struggling the past few weeks to get any new ideas for Deity outfits. The last time I made Their Lordships a new outfit was probably around a festival. I really want to make more time for Them and use some of the new brocade fabric that is sitting around idly. I hope I can get more time, but as it stands, I hardly get enough time for myself. Most of my time is consumed my school, puja, and practicing. I hope Lord Balaram empowers me and Lord Krishna accepts my offerings. Today my jasmine didn't give many flowers and I think this is because it's going out of season soon. I'm really upset because on top of this, my gardenia has passed away. I figured I could revive her but after weeks of struggling with her, I finally put her to rest. I uprooted her from the soil and I saw her root system was not very strong. This is unfortunate; I'm really depressed but hopefully I get more flowers and shrubs this weekend! Chandaneswar prabhu hired a landscaper to plant new gardenia shrubs for me!

nityanandam aham naumi sarvananda karam param
harinam pradam devam avadhuta shiromani 

namo maha vandanyaya krishna prema pradayate
krishnaya krishna-chaitanya namne gaura tvishe namah

Jay Gopeswar Mahadev!

Winter Tidings

Happy Govardhan Puja, Diwali, Kali Puja, Bali Daityaraj Puja!

To all the readers,
I want to extend a happy and hearty Holiday greeting from my family to yours. Tomorrow is Srila Prabhupada's Disappearance day, next week Gopastami and Jagaddhatri Puja and I pray that the blessings of the Lord and His exalted servants be with you and your loved ones this holiday season.
The holidays are wonderful and magical time, especially with the season change, everything has a lovely misty glaze to it. The night comes early and lingers with a damp and misty dew, sometimes remaining as fog in the morning; the butterflies have disappeared and the birds are seeking refuge in their winter oasis. What will become of me? This winter I feel like a lovely transformation is taking place within me and all around. For my Karttik vows, I have taken up some external austerities in order to approach self-realization but the greatest austerities, I believe, are those taking place right within my own heart, body and mind. The daily struggle of the mind and heart is my greatest challenge. At times I conquer valiantly and at other times, I am conquered and remain despondent in utter defeat. Normally, I'm never sure what to do during winter except for crochet, yoga, write and jumprope in my cloister; I fear the cold and rainy weather and prefer to remain under a gloomy spell indoors for most of winter. This year, however, I feel the desire to run out and embrace the sharp and biting winter air. Welcome the harshness. Inhale the cold. Walk with Winter.
Hare Krishna!

Practice Makes Perfection

Today I had a super busy day today, woke up early to practice and headed to the DMV; as it turns out I'll have to wait in line again tomorrow. I didn't eat a proper lunch and was so disappointed that we stopped in at a friends house to visit. After a short nap, I felt refreshed and my husband and I went shopping for groceries, went home, cooked and took prasad. He's finally sleeping now. I couldn't finish my apron as I had planned for today, hopefully tomorrow everything will be wrapped up and I can move on to the next phase: transferring Tulasi devi indoors, planning Krishna Chandra's birthday party and our annual trip to New Orleans Ratha Yatra. I can't wait for the trip, the party, festivals and Karttik end, though I have to say, my vows are something that I pleasantly look forward to each day. During pranayam and yoga in the early morning hours, I re-commit myself to each one and meditate on ways to release myself from material conditioning and attachment. Krishna is very merciful, when I am satisfied, I remember Him easily and continue my daily services pleasantly and when my mind is terribly disturbed by material nature and I find it increasingly unbearable to withstand another moment, I remember Him even more in that wretched weakness.

Giriraj is very charming and gorgeously dressed in His opulent silk outfits with lovely flower garlands hanging around His neck.

I uploaded photos of Giriraj for you all to take darshan.  I still have those garlands, I'm drying them out in my temple room now. I laughed really hard when Nitai Chand told me, "You see, even if you're not here you have to serve Giriraj somehow or other. If He wants seva from you, you can't escape it." as I arranged the flower vases, indicating as he so often does that Giriraj is very particular about his sevaks. I guess he's under the impression that I moved out in order to escape my service to Giriraj but he must know, deep inside, that I just hated living in that dilapidated old hole-in-the-wall. This place is much more structurally sound, though there is less privacy and interior space, I prefer it this way.

Sri Giri-Govardhan is always surrounded by lovely cows. 

Longing

I've been rather busy these past couple days so I could not update you guys on the latest happenings although I really intended to do so several times this week. HH Nitai Chand Goswami came into town this past Sunday and Giriraj has been keeping me engaged in His most blissful service since then. I've been truly blessed to receive the association of incredibly saintly people in this lifetime and hopefully that will never change. For those of you who've been living under a rock for the past few years, Srila Nitai Chand Goswami no longer retains a sannyas position but out of deep admiration we still address him respectfully as 'Maharaj'. Throughout my writings I refer to him in short as 'Maharaj' and unless I specify otherwise it is safe to assume that I am referring to him. When Krishna Chandra heard that Giriraj and Maharaj were coming to town, he began jumping and shouting happily throughout the entire house, this usually happens whenever Giri-Govardhan decides to bestow His mercy upon us wretched folk, so we are usually prepared for it. This time, we couldn't calm him down at all until he got into the van and starting sighting "mighty machines" along the way to the airport, i.e. bulldozers, cranes, scoopers, dump trucks and cement mixers. Last time Maharaj came to town, we had time to sit and inquire about topics related to sadhana, philosophy, etc.; while these conversations are usually very enlivening and thought-provoking, I usually sit in the background and listen intently while not fully grasping the highly-elevated subject matter. This time, I wasn't given the opportunity to sit at my leisure to eaves-drop upon the conversations of mahatmas(and probably speculate as well); instead, Sri Giriraj decided to accept service from me in the form of elaborate meals mixed in with short darshans and preaching opportunities masquerading as family emergencies. Who knows why Sri Govardhan loves to simultaneously shelter and test His devotees while gradually increasing the impetus for transcendental devotional service? Recently, our friend, who is also my husband's boss' wife, had a baby boy and this called for a lot of schedule-shifting and adjustment for both our families while she remained at the hospital; this has gone by fairly well with Krishna Chandra, it seems that he wasn't bothered too much by it and resisted very little. I can not express fully how I appreciate him for it, it's unbelievable how considerate children are when you're under pressure and he's shown exceptional tolerance and flexibility under change. Today, Maharaj departed and as usual, has left us bereft of his association and with a longing desire to serve Lord Giriraj once again... I wonder when He will decide to bestow His causeless mercy upon us? Until next time, I will cherish the moments that I had with Him and pray that next time He will allow me to serve Him yet again. Jaya Giri-Govardhan ki!

My uneventful day

This morning I made pancakes for Sri Giri-Govardhan; I added blueberries but they didn't cook thoroughly(I sprinkled them on top my normal pancake batter instead of mixing them into the batter because the pancakes don't come out round when I do that). Disappointment #1. I made more pancakes sans blueberries and they turned out great. I was still disappointed but later I realised that maybe Giriraj didn't feel like having blueberry pancakes so, reluctantly, I let it go... I think. I need to buy a new pancake griddle (a nice one) but I am having a hard time hunting down an old-fashioned iron griddle. HG Nitai Chand prabhu (aka HH Nitai Chand Goswami) left for Vancouver today(on his way back to India), he packed early and headed to Dayananda prabhu's house for lunch so I didn't have a chance to take Giriraja's darshan before He left. Disappointment #2. When I arrived Maharaj was already headed out to Dayananda's house, he asked us to take prasada with him but my husband declined and stayed back. We (Krishna Chandra, Maria and I) tagged along and took prasadam at Dayananda prabhu's house but left early because Krishna Chandra started to misbehave. I say "misbehave" but what I really mean is that he was bouncing off the walls like a loaded cartoon character. He was definitely loaded, I think it was all that rice he had. When I was sufficiently exhausted, I decided it was time to get the hell out of there, before he started harassing the other guests. We headed home and he played while I finished my japa. Around 5pm Krishna Chandra started to "bother" me again, this time he wanted to blow off steam at the temple. This is rather unusual because when he wants to go out he asks us to, "get the keys" and "take the car to the park" so he can "play on the 'wee'." "Wee" is Krishna Chandra for slide or swing, but usually it means slide. I've even caught myself saying it whenever we're at the park or around small children. I'm such an ass! Sometimes I wonder if the other mothers secretly laugh at me. Who cares, I guess... right? Anyway, I decided to take a quick walk to the temple for a darshan and maybe stay during the first minutes of the Gaura-arati. It wasn't long after we arrived at the temple that I realised how easily I was led into a trap. Krishna Chandra may be only two years old but he is more clever than anyone I know. He had no intention of participating in the kirtan, he just led me there under that pretense. On our way out, I found Maria and I told her that I'd wait outside for her with Krishna Chandra, but before I knew it he took off across Kalachandji's park towards the playground at the gurukula! Wow, I've been totally duped. After a while my husband showed up, and the three of us, in a co-operative effort, managed to lure the boy out of the park without any war wounds(to speak of).

First blog

This is my first blog and I don't want to waste my time blah blah blah-ing about something stupid. I wanted to start sewing my own deity outfits; I've made a few but I want to improve and learn more. I basically taught myself to sew because I can tell you I have no prior experience about anything useful at all. Sewing is a wonderful thing, you start with a flat piece of cloth and turn it into an item which has shape, line, depth and texture and I'm really enjoy it. I started a new project for Gaura-Nitai, it's a pink satin outfit, same like I made for Jagannath Baladev Subhadra and Ladhu Gopal. I wanted Them all to match, yes it sounds cheesy but I don't care, so I decided to try my hand at Gaura-Nitai's dress. Right now I have Their kurta and chadars ready, I have to finish the dhotis later. I am also stringing beaded jewelry for Them, I made some matching belts, which turned out pretty nice but I'm still not satisfied. I have yet to perfect my technique, but I think I found a few blogs that will help me advance-- my lifesavers! These past few days were hectic, Sri Giri-Govardhan came to Dallas and we've spent the day serving the Lord. HG Nitai Chand Prabhu is here until tomorrow and I hope he will come back next time for more than just three days... and bring mataji along too. He mentioned this morning during prasadam that he would like to come to Dallas during the summer and do some kind of program, and definitely stay for a while. I hope so, it's always nice to have him around, he's such an advanced devotee and always has good spiritual advice.