Friday, June 12, 2009
Insecurity
Sometimes, I wonder if other people like me at all, especially fellow devotees. I'm always under the impression that no one likes me or something. I'm not popular or friendly or charismatic or outgoing. I don't even think I like myself. I wish I could be better at everything, or at least a couple of things. There is only one thing that I was pretty good at but I gave it up and I'm not even sure why anymore. I guess I was a perfectionist and also a pretty tormented one. I'm very conscious of the fact that I was just stressing myself out and getting into more trouble than anything else.
Labels:
depression,
feelings,
insecurity
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4 comments:
Have you ever considered going to a university and studying? By doing so, one could feel like one is actually doing something with one's life. And from what I remember, you were pretty intelligent, so studying should not be a problem for you.
Why did you quit the very thing that made you feel good about yourself? Why does one have to be good at something for it to be enjoyable?
You can find joy in the strangest places, you know.
Hey, Kyle, I wanted to address your comment first because it may also answer Caitanya dasa's comment as well. Yes, that thing that made me feel good about myself was great, I enjoyed myself and I still have a lot of very fond memories surrounding that aspect of my life. I met wonderful, inspirational people that I admire greatly but in the end I was not "enjoying" myself. It was a chore, a bore and probably one of the biggest frustrations in my life. I could never be "perfect" how I imagined myself to become. In this aspect, perfection can also be a curse... I was very much obsessed about "perfecting" myself and usually all I could see in myself and others was flaws. As a result, I started to associate with negative people, undesirables and all kinds of other shady people and I was easily taken into different assortments of bad habits and addictions. In retrospect, I could deduce that I was becoming a bad person and the only solution was to cut myself off at the source. I would liken it to having an infected limb amputated. I knew I would lose part of myself, but it was better than destroying my life. In that respect, I have to admit that I admire myself, the insight and intelligence necessary to assess your entire life from a neutral standpoint is insurmountable. Anyway, that was a very long time ago, when I knew in my heart that I wasn't strong enough to endure much longer. I felt completely alone, vulnerable and unprotected. That being said, I would still like to pick up where I left off. I think I could handle it better now that I have more experience, maturity and mental reinforcement within my consciousness.
I believe you DO know why you gave up this one thing you were good at...you answered your own question.
Wisdom sneaks up on us.
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