Transformative Care

Recently I decided that I wanted to start writing again. I quickly remembered that I rarely share anything revealing. I tend to keep my darkest thoughts in my personal diary or journals. In the spirit of transformative care, I wanted to start blogging again, divulging more about myself and practicing vulnerability. I've struggled with vulnerability my entire life, but more recently I've found small pockets wherein I felt safe sharing the most delicate and fragile parts of myself. Those pockets are rare but I hope that with intentional practice will come more transformation and positive change. 
Quickly, I wanted to mention that one of my safe spaces was always the Gaudiya Vaishnav community, specifically ISKCON and the Hare Krishna movement. Lately I've felt like a complete outsider and disagree with the bigoted and intolerant views within the community. I noticed this phenomenon more than a decade ago and a trend towards intolerance and exclusivism. What first attracted me to the movement was the idea of a non-discriminatory and inclusive practice and philosophy. Throughout my spiritual career, I've seen both overt and covert racism and sexism, internalized shame and guilt coupled with misogny, gatekeeping, homophobia, etc., and I've found it so hard to swallow that it caused real anxiety and panic in my life. Strict dogmatism paired with my own insecurities and perfectionism completely destroyed my self-worth and well-being. It grew to such an extent that I developed social anxiety and dreaded the thought of dealing with other Hare Krishnas. When confronted with a panic disorder, I stopped attending my regular services and eventually passed up even major festivals and holidays. My depression and anxiety are now under control but I ask myself at what cost.
One day while discussing this with family and friends, I noticed my eyes were welling with tears. I could feel my heart beginning to race and thoughts going a mile a minute. I knew it was upsetting still and that I felt lost, but couldn't fathom how much it still bothered me or why. Haven't I always been a blacksheep and pariah? You'd think I would have embraced that role at this juncture in life.
I know now that while Krishna devotees may preach compassion and understanding, as a society, we failed. We failed ourselves, new students and future generations as well. If you consider yourself a mindful or compassionate person, ask yourself if you've done the best you can to help support and advocate for others even if it would put you at odds with your community. Sometimes the simple act of supporting another person in the wake of adversity is enough to instill courage in others.