Whirlwind

    I recently applied to a local university in hopes of finishing a bachelor's degree; it was my friend's (they/them) suggestion I apply to their program as they felt strongly I would love the professors, school and program/coursework. I felt inspired and encouraged by them and decided to apply to both the Multicultural Women's and Gender Studies and Fashion Design programs. Hopefully, I'm accepted and can pursue the work that I feel passionately about soon! 

    So.... I got frustrated with the online student portal today because I've already forgotten the damn password I used to create the account. I attempted using the account retrieval tool and quickly realized I didn't have the additional identifying information I needed to do that. Apparently, they need 18 generations' of ancestral names to verify your identity and reset the password. I realized my student portal is more secure than many mobile banking apps. So instead, I now need to call someone and deal with a real person on the phone all the while explaining to them that I didn't write down my password or ID number or bother to take a goddamned screenshot before my page timed-out. :( Goodness.

    My son told me he read my blog and I feel both flattered and disturbed that he would even try reading my incoherent garbage. He mentioned that my paragraphs were shit and read like run-on sentences. I agree; I'm here for rambling not creating thoughtful prose, asshole. So, I decided that I'd take some of his advice and start indenting my paragraphs. Apparently, this is something that people do when writing and separating their thoughts. IDK. I raised a weirdo.

    That's all for the personal updates. There was a hellish thunderstorm with powerful winds that tore through town. There's downed power lines, uprooted trees, and flash flooding here but what else is new?

    It's floodin' down in Texas.... 🎸🎶

Transformative Care

Recently I decided that I wanted to start writing again. I quickly remembered that I rarely share anything revealing. I tend to keep my darkest thoughts in my personal diary or journals. In the spirit of transformative care, I wanted to start blogging again, divulging more about myself and practicing vulnerability. I've struggled with vulnerability my entire life, but more recently I've found small pockets wherein I felt safe sharing the most delicate and fragile parts of myself. Those pockets are rare but I hope that with intentional practice will come more transformation and positive change. 
Quickly, I wanted to mention that one of my safe spaces was always the Gaudiya Vaishnav community, specifically ISKCON and the Hare Krishna movement. Lately I've felt like a complete outsider and disagree with the bigoted and intolerant views within the community. I noticed this phenomenon more than a decade ago and a trend towards intolerance and exclusivism. What first attracted me to the movement was the idea of a non-discriminatory and inclusive practice and philosophy. Throughout my spiritual career, I've seen both overt and covert racism and sexism, internalized shame and guilt coupled with misogny, gatekeeping, homophobia, etc., and I've found it so hard to swallow that it caused real anxiety and panic in my life. Strict dogmatism paired with my own insecurities and perfectionism completely destroyed my self-worth and well-being. It grew to such an extent that I developed social anxiety and dreaded the thought of dealing with other Hare Krishnas. When confronted with a panic disorder, I stopped attending my regular services and eventually passed up even major festivals and holidays. My depression and anxiety are now under control but I ask myself at what cost.
One day while discussing this with family and friends, I noticed my eyes were welling with tears. I could feel my heart beginning to race and thoughts going a mile a minute. I knew it was upsetting still and that I felt lost, but couldn't fathom how much it still bothered me or why. Haven't I always been a blacksheep and pariah? You'd think I would have embraced that role at this juncture in life.
I know now that while Krishna devotees may preach compassion and understanding, as a society, we failed. We failed ourselves, new students and future generations as well. If you consider yourself a mindful or compassionate person, ask yourself if you've done the best you can to help support and advocate for others even if it would put you at odds with your community. Sometimes the simple act of supporting another person in the wake of adversity is enough to instill courage in others.

All And Everything

I feel raw and on edge lately.
I know I'm emotional and stressed,
I know I can't wave a magic wand and make it go away.
I know this is part of life, ups and downs.
I know I can't have it all.
I know I'm lucky to be alive.
I know I have more than I deserve
I'm lucky to be alive and well.
I'm lucky to have anything at all,
And maybe that should be enough.
Maybe this is it:
All and everything.