Purging Fear

Many things happened since my last blog post.
Two weeks ago, a drunk driver rear ended our minivan. He crashed into a pole and ended up in my neighbors yard. Thankfully, nobody was hurt by the drunk driver but Krishna Chandra was bit by our neighbor's dog Champ.
He is still slightly traumatized and I'm anxious of large white vans and dogs, but I learned a few things:

1. Young children are incredibly resilient to trauma, both mentally and physically.
2. You will never quite know the nature of someone's character until they're in danger.
3. Even the slightest threat of danger is enough to trigger a person's trauma.
4. Lord Gauranga and Lord Nityananda's Holy Names are more powerful than we can possibly conceive. It can protect you from all downfall. Nityananda! Gauranga!
5. Calmly chanting through pain is impressive to bystanders, even EMTs and firefighters.
Krishna Chandra and I both did this and, though our experiences were starkly different traumas, I swear the look we got from everyone was nothing short of awe.
6. Strangers and unfamiliar situations are met with abject hostility and suspicion until I am myself again. I can only characterize this mindset as instinctual protectiveness and mild paranoia.

Until I am myself again, I pray at the feet of the Lord:

ashok abhoy amritadhar, tomar charandwoy

tahate ekhon bishram lobhiya, charinu bhaver bhoy

The nectar from Your lotus feet is ambrosia that grants freedom from fear and anxiety.
Now I've found solace at Your feet, I've cast out all fears.

Fear

There are a few things I wanted to share. I need to share. I know there are people in my life who might listen to it, even care about it. As of this very moment, however, I don't feel like anyone has got my back, or cares. That is why I write here. There are few people who read my blog, participate, even ask questions for me to write about, and I appreciate them very much. Typically, though, not too many people read my blog; it affords me the ability to write "anonymously", have the sensation, or hold to the belief, that someone will read, understand, and empathize with it. Possibly. Well, maybe this will not get a single hit, who knows? It doesn't matter.... this is my healing session.

On Saturday morning, we all set out for the doctor's office to pick up Chandaneswar prabhu's blood report. His liver function and blood sugar were back to normal, so I was very pleased by that news. His cholesterol level was lower, but it was not a very significant drop. Initially, I did not think much of the results, but something did bother me tremendously. Our doctor mentioned that his cholesterol could be genetic, meaning, there is very little in the way of reducing it without medication. Meaning, we're screwed (but I want to say something else). In the car, I kept thinking about it, something was not letting me just shake it, brush it off, sweep it under the rug, or forget about it. I suddenly felt the onslaught of every stress, worry, anxiety, and fear. Just fear. Fear coursed through my body, I was terrified. It suddenly charged my consciousness, and there I felt utterly helpless. 

You see, we've been eating right, exercising, taking the right medications. When I say 'we', I mean the entire family. I have been there in solidarity with my husband the entire way. I never let him go the journey alone. I took on all the austerities, diets, exercise regimes myself. We've been battling Chandaneswar prabhu's health issues together for the past eight years. His blood results can fluctuate and vary greatly, even within a three months' span. Over the years, I've learned to manage my stress, and frequently bad news has a way of being deflected off me, because I know it's a roller coaster ride. Certainly, it is some type of feat. I worked really hard to stay the course, regulate our diet, and maintain an exercise routine together. This past month, I pretty much stopped working out because I was losing enough weight from our uber raw, vegan diet. As in, I eat boiled, steamed, or sauteed food occasionally. Rarely do we eat anything fried. I snack a lot, mostly on fruit and nuts. It's insane, but not nearly as insane as the juice fast I did one caturmas. 

I finally broke down. I sobbed in the car. It seemed as if all the tears in the world would not satiate my pain. The overwhelming anguish. Everything. I couldn't take it anymore. I was just tired of being strong, supportive, and optimistic. It felt as if all my work was for naught. I had nothing to show for any of it. I have nothing to show for it. I'm tired, exhausted, failing, and want to die. I want to give up. I want to face reality. I don't know what this all means. I just know it's the tip of the iceberg. There is just so much left inside, building up underneath. And there is nobody who will listen.

I still want to die. I still want to leave everything behind. 

A Woman's Prayer

I want to share a diary entry from my personal journal today. When I wrote it, I had no intention of sharing it with anyone else, it was between me, my conscience and the Lord. It reads like a prayer because that's exactly what it is. It has to do with material existence, particularly the woes of being a woman. About a year ago a mataji came to my home and it sounded like she was lamenting her life. She subtly disclosed her frustration; she felt unwanted because she was now 'old' and no longer a 'productive member' of society. After all those decades of selfless service, she's turned away by family and friends alike. She felt used and lamented her situation, I felt sorrowful and sympathetic but gave her a cold-hearted response instead. I thought, "She needs to hear the truth, maybe this will be a catalyst for spirituality." I simply said one thing, "Mataji, we are the servant of Bhagavan, Sri Krishna, but instead we waste our lives serving ourselves and others, then, when we are no longer productive or useful or desirable  we are discarded and left by the wayside. Worse if you're a woman, you'll serve your husbands, sons, daughters, in-laws, parents, society and to what end? That's why Prabhupada urges us to find the Lord in our youth, practice spirituality, depend only of the Lord. He's the only one who won't turn you away." With those words, Mataji started to cry and tearfully said, "That's a wonderful realization, Madri,  I only wish I had realized that when I was your age. I guess I was just fooling myself, I thought I would be taken care of in my old age and but nobody wants me around."

Sri Nityananda Avadhuta

A Woman's Prayer

 Prabhu, I've wasted my entire youth on attaining respect, reputation, status, vanity, pride, 

serving my senses, indulging in disgusting activities, pursuing sin and sense gratification at all costs.

Now my entire life has passed before me but with no worthy achievements, no pious activities, no spiritual knowledge, everything is in vain. 

You are my only hope now, Prabhu, please rescue me from this miserable, pathetic condition. Once used, discarded and neglected, I'll be of no use to anyone, please accept me before that time. Let me prove that You are not simply my last resort but in reality, You are the Ultimate Shelter. You are all that remains for anyone-- why should I waste my years in vain when I can arrive at the  destination with little effort? Please don't make me learn this lesson the hard way. What is more pathetic than this is to realize the truth when it is already too late! I don't want to burn my years away until I am old and decrepit, serving men and jackals and then fall into despair when I am abandoned by my protectors. 

Your Servant,

Madri 

   

In the end, I think Sri Krishna arranged for this woman to visit my home that fateful day. The Lord wanted to give me a message, His word and promise. For that reason I am thankful, knowing this to be the truth, I surrender myself to the will of the Lord. Only Krishna knows my mind, heart and intentions. May that sweet, lotus-eyed boy be ever gracious to his wayward devotees and bring them safely back to the shelter of His Divine lotus feet.

Sri Nityananda Pada Kamala

Running

I'm running and running away throughout Time, thinking and speaking about things that are "mine". I can perceive that no course of action is right, everything given time leads to plight. I want to turn back and see that someone or something who is giving me chase but I'm too afraid to behold it's monstrous face. Pray tell, how much longer, Lord, 'til I reach your embrace? Is it someone or something, a person or thing, tell me what is it I so frantically flee? I only get a few seconds of rest, during that time I can realise your test. Thinking proudly that I'm the one in control, I act in rebellion, straight into Maya I stroll. Give me a moment away from anxiety, a short pause to debrief and contemplate the reality. Digress I shall and You've given me time, to sit calmly and coolly, to reflect on my crime. Am I still being juvenile for trying to express my distraught mind, my distress that this rhyme so attests? I've reached the conclusion that I must surrender, in any condition my faith I must tender. I hope these words will reveal my heart to it's depths and melting Your own, my Lord will kindly accept.

Some Comedy and Some Tragedy, Just Like The Greeks

I got this joke from a devotee through an e-mail message and thought I'd share it with you guys here.

Al, Bill & Barrack in Heaven

Al Gore, Bill Clinton and Barrack Obama go to heaven,
God addresses Al first. ''Al, what do you believe in?''
Al replies: "Well, I believe that I won that election, but that it was your will that I did not serve. And I've come to understand that now.''
God thinks for a second and says:"Very good. Come and sit at my left.''

God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?''
Bill replies: "I believe in forgiveness. I've sinned, but I've never held a grudge against my fellow man, and I hope no grudges are held against me.'' ;
God thinks for a second and says: "You are forgiven, my son. Come and sit at my right.''

Then God addresses Barrack. "Barrack, what do you believe in?''
He replies: "I believe you're in my chair."


Anyway, I wanted to vent out some of my supressed emotions but now I realise that I have no clue as to how to communicate my feelings aloud. I'll get back to you when I'm feeling less stage-fright. I guess I'm just frustrated with myself because I'm not the person I want to be right now. I really wish I could be more Krishna Conscious; I feel like my service consists of cooking, cleaning and caring for my Deities, home and family but somehow I'm not fulfilling my goals as such. I wish I could be terrific at my duties as a mother, wife and servant to Lord Krishna.... I'm just not. What is the use of this material body if it's such a worthless piece of garbage? I can't even engage it in devotional service because I'm a complete mleccha, a mudha and most of all an aparadhi........

Some realisations and depressions...

Okay I wanted to write in my blog about something but haven't anything in mind at the time. Let me ramble like this for a while, and see if anything comes up. Today, prabhu made gulab jamuns, we went to the market, registered the car, dropped the gulab jamuns at motel, Krishna Chandra threw a huge fit...a super huge fit, then I came home, prabhu 'honored' my crappy prasadam.... crappy prasadam, I mean really crappy. My cooking doesn't even compare by one iota to the delectable preparations that my prabhu offers to the Lord. Right now, I'm on the phone with my prabhu and talking about the movie 'Noise'. We don't have ghee wicks so prabhu is gonna make some more, he's gonna make for the temple too... I think prabhu does a lot of service for/at the temple, but I don't do anything for the temple. It's obvious that the Lord prefers his service over mine, he has been doing Tulasi puja in my stead for several weeks now. Sometimes that makes me feel really crappy and useless. I don't render any good service, everything I do is sloppy. Sometimes, I think that I don't 'do' enough and whatever I do isn't good enough. The time factor is my enemy. I don't think I get enough service time for myself. I want 'me' time; I want to spend more time doing my own projects and forgetting about the outside world. I could sew outfits and make jewelry, cook rich, elaborate bhoga for Gopal... I dunno... it's not enough, 24 hours isn't enough. Opportunistic people.... God, I can't stand them. When someone tries to take advantage of you when they know you are down and out... what kind of cruel person do you have to be? That is one feeling that I can't escape, this nagging feeling that everyone wants to use me and my husband; nobody asks us how we are doing, nobody is our well-wisher or friend. Everyone wants to just take advantage of our, well... not my, but my husband's generosity and inherently good-nature. He has trouble saying no and turning people down, especially when it comes to devotional service. That's just his nature, very gentle and very tolerant. He totally pisses me off.. I wish I could be more like him but I'm just a reckless slob. The whole thing is depressing, disappointing and disillusioning. Maybe I should not discuss this too much, I get in a terrible mood and I know how I get when I'm in a terrible mood. When these feelings overwhelm my mind, I think I should give up and live alone in the god damn wilderness somewhere, where nobody but the wild beasts know I exist. I wonder how would that be? That reminds me, one time Vakresvara Pundit prabhu gave a class about this, he mentioned that when someone says "I just want to be alone." that it is only Maya. In fact he is right, it is an illusion to think we can find 'peace' in the material world, or that by remaining isolated we will be happy. I agree wholeheartedly, the liberation of the brahmajyoti is like that, you are 'liberated' in the Lord's effulgence but in total isolation. Regardless of the fact that one is liberated, still one hankers for some kind of association, it is nearly impossible to remain happy in that kind of situation. That is why everyone "falls down" from that position yet again. It's been my understanding that the material world is a completely and utterly useless and depressing place since I was a very little girl. At least five years old... I remember thinking very clearly that the material world was completely vacant and hollow, I wanted out. Immediately. I prayed for some answer, "Why am I here? What did I do wrong? Why am I suffering?" That same frustration still haunts me to this very day.. who can escape the pangs of material suffering? I actually enjoy my thought process, however daunting and depressing it may seem, because in the bigger scheme of things you find real happiness. Eternal happiness, joy, bliss... no more suffering, no more distress. Some people think that this train of thinking is depressing and that one must rid oneself of it immediately but that is not the right solution. The material world is designed to keep your dreams just slightly out of reach. You're always endeavoring for more and never happy with whatever you have. You can liken the material world to chasing after a mirage or an ass chasing a dangling carrot before his eyes. You can keep on trying but you will never taste the results, you may even go mad before you reach your final destination. The material world is a good place for purifying oneself of sinful habits and tastes. You keep seeing the ray of light at the end of the tunnel but just when you think it's going to get better, it gets worse. Finally one will give up and ask, "What's the point? Why am I endeavoring like this? Where is the Supreme Lord? How can I escape the material suffering and get real happiness? What is the real goal of life?"
Just search out the Lord, then you will find happiness.