Ronald Reagan

When I Answered “Ronald Reagan”
Melissa Cruz

I
I guess you would not understand
If I were to tell you plainly, I was dreaming,
Daydreaming, imagining, fantasizing
When I answered “Ronald Reagan”
I can tell you here without import,
Without repercussion knowing
It is never going to happen.

II
I wandered over beside your cheek
And inhaled the scent of your breath,
Hair and the wafting echo of your sensuous desire.
I could not possibly tell you this in class.
Certainly not or it would have been my ass.
Did you sense my caressing touch upon your neck
Meandering down across your torso
Absorbing every detail of your flesh
As I gazed deeply into your eyes?
I told myself I had to stop.

III
While I rushed through your dumb questions,
I delved into another fantasy propounding
All the inner secrets of your loving, tender, soft embrace.
I could not tell you this in class….
I gazed over at your desk as you checked on all the rest
And imagined; I could kiss and bite your tempting flesh
While you made every single effort to withstand
My increasingly aggressive, mounting, erotic wander.
Oh! But you would not glance over at me,
For if you had, you would have seen
The visage of a hungering, thirsting, insatiable beast
Craving every drop, every bite, every delicious taste of you.

IV
I imagine you would have resisted
Had I grabbed and fed upon you as I wished it.
And if you did, I would have told you
“Resistance is futile, weak fool!”
Certainly, I could not tell you this in class.
Well I could, but your ass’d be grass.
Oh! But how I wish I had.
For if I had, you would lose sleep, tormented,
Unable to imagine the depths to which I dived
Within the short span of a stupid quiz.
Don’t you wish you had not asked?
With every utterance, I gain strength and become more daring.
Surely, you must agree it is a small miracle
I answered only one question wrong.

V
Now you know how much I want you,
And long to feel, and taste, and be with you.
Now I have admitted all my secret thoughts,
And grown accustomed to the throbbing,
Crushing, overwhelming sexual hunger.
Now I have cleared the air and my lusty mind.
Now I have released my intense yearning
Into the vast cosmic manifestation.
Having no other purpose,
This poem has accomplished
The inconceivable, insurmountable, volatile task
Of explaining what the fuck I was thinking
When I answered “Ronald Reagan”

Anartha Nivritti

Duplicitous
Passive aggressive
Ahankar
Possessive
Over-reacting
Dramatic
Projecting
These are all qualities and attributes present within my own self.
I attribute tendencies, intentions etc. to others and ignore the very same in myself. I am full of ego and pride, I am possessive and domineering. I am controlling and envious. I am full of rage.
I am not a bad person, I hold negative views of the world and remain very pessimistic even in the best conditions. I dismiss praise and compliments as mere "flattery" or "sycophancy" or regard them as "insincere" when in reality I am full of said faults. Anarthas. Anarthas and more anarthas.
Anartha nivritti .
I don't want to associate with negative people or negativity. (Anymore) I am making a conscious effort to eliminate those things from my life, one by one. It will be a painful because I will have to acknowledge my faults, flaws and projections in a conscious voice in the process. Sometimes unpleasant things will surface. In the process of polishing a tarnished object, the cloth will become dirty. I have to accept that dirt, that grit and grime, oil and slime and accept my past. Renounce the past. Just like removing soiled garments.
I have to look at the cleansing of my heart and not become bewildered or disillusioned by that which soils the polishing cloth.
I want my power back. I want supportive, friendly, open, honest, sincere and loving friends, well-wishers and acquaintances. I want to develop a healthy relationship with all-- to whatever degree possible. If we are acquaintances, I want to develop a mutually beneficial relationship in that context. Friends, lovers, siblings, parents, whatever, I want to cultivate those relationships to the fullest possible extent.  I want to expand on already existing relationships, build on solid foundations. I want to push the boundaries of my psycho-emotional self. I want to understand my innate proclivities, even those that are subconscious or unconsciously decided. I want to understand why I make the choices that I do, I want to make better decisions. I want to be informed. Re-educated. Hare Krishna.

Errands

Today I got to the mall and checked out a couple of shops for new glasses. The experience was disappointing, to say the least. I didn't find anything in my price range or that I really liked, and the ones I did like turned out to be reading glasses. What a drag... At least Krishna Chandra was able to have some fun. As it turns out, there is a nice little playground inside the mall which is open to children who are 42" tall and less, but a lot of of older kids managed to get in(there's no enforcement). There was one girl that was a little annoying.. she kept climbing on the fake bridge and jumping off the side. I wonder if she is suicidal or will be in the future..? Anyway, she almost landed on a one-year-old baby and that nearly gave me a heart attack. I saw this totally stupid commercial just now for Dunkin' Donuts. There are three zombied-out kids being sucked into their television set by its' super powered teleportation rays. Just as the children are almost sucked into the set, the father comes home with a box of Dunkin' Donuts and the kids are magically released by the television's maya rays and go running to the dining area. Is Dunkin' Donuts telling America that donuts are better than television? Or that donuts are the couch potato anti-dote? In the late afternoon, Krishna Chandra fell asleep on the sofabed upstairs and I took advantage of his nap to take time for myself. I was long overdue for a haircut and decided to go to the salon down the street. (The trim turned out fine though I still think it feels too short.) The lady kept commenting to her friend about how long my hair was and I started to snicker a little. "Largo, largo, largo!" I went to the counter to pay for my visit only to very quickly realise how retarded I was. I asked her if she accepted debit/credit cards, and she quickly said, "No, cash only" I checked my wallet as I looked around to see an ATM, but alas, there was none. What kind of establishment doesn't accept plastic? I was totally pissed off. I called up my hubby to hit him up for some cash, as I had only three bucks on hand, but he was like, "You know I don't carry cash!" I was in a wee bit of a pickle but we managed to hatch a last-minute plan. I would stay at the salon (as a hostage) while Maria went home to look after Krishna Chandra, meanwhile, my dearest prabhu would pick up some cash and swing by the salon on the way back to release me from my captors. I sat patiently in the salon, flipping through a magazine as my husband "rushed to my rescue". He joked on the whole way home about how I was being held hostage. He used words like "danger" and "hostage situation", which would paint an image of a mad hairdresser holding scissors to a lock of my hair and shouting, "Gimme the money, mister, or the lady gets it!" LOL. I liked the intensity of his words though, he exaggerates a lot which would make him a great story-teller if he could ever get over his shyness. Another dramatic day....