Sri Bhaktivinoda-The Supremely Nectarean Kamala-mañjari

Well, sorry I haven't written in a few days, not that it matters because there is nothing of significance to note. The Elise shawl is coming along, the multiple-personality scarf as well, she's a good 36" long now; I have not been working as much as I would like but whatever crocheting time I get is quality time spent with this piece. I'm excited- another ten inches or so and she'll be complete. The Elise shawl is something that will probably take many months, maybe over a year, if I work it a few rows a day. Due to the expanding design of the pattern, each row will take more time to crochet than the previous one, so it is hard (for me) to calculate how much time I need to complete this piece. I am thinking about selling my crochet work, though I'm not a professional crocheter or anything, I think someone will appreciate my work and like to buy. If you know anyone, send them to my blog so they can browse my pictures.
On other news, I have been re-reading Nectar of Devotion along with the original Bengali version and other stuff I have found online and in my Gurudev's library. I found a book about George Harrison in there along with Ayurveda and natural cures books so I'm working my way through these along with Jaiva Dharma (the one that challenges me every moment) and Sri Bhaktivinod Vani Vaibhav. I need to finish this one soon because I'd borrowed it from a friend and I'm sure he wants it back. :) I have this habit of perusing books over and over, dissecting each chapter into paragraphs and even smaller paragraph portions until I completely "get it". Srila Bhaktivinod Thakur's writings are really deep and therefore, hard for an ass like me to fully absorb. But, I'm stubborn and determined to understand. Krishna and the Vaishnavas bless me. 

Good Association

Srila Prabhupada says that the basics of spiritual life are devotee association, chanting, and hearing regularly… yesterday I was fortunate enough to get a glimpse into the hearts and minds of great devotees. I want to share what I heard with everyone here today. The topics that were discussed were heavy even for devotees… I suggest that you don’t read it unless you are a hardcore seeker of truth and know how to take it in even when it is hard to swallow.
Yesterday, Kardama Muni prabhu graced our home to drop of some work he had done for my husband’s workplace. Kardama Muni prabhu is a lithographer or printer for those of you more inclined to plain English. Usually, we don’t get any guests of his caliber to visit our home, at least not very often, so I was very happy when they began to chat amongst themselves. Thankfully, I had some work in the kitchen and was within proximity to eavesdrop here and there. The conversation went from material body, material world to more deep and meaningful realizations. He spoke about how we are very proud of our accomplishments as so-called Vaishnavas but how we have little or no understanding of real Vaishnava mood, etiquette and mentality. I wondered if he felt that way about himself and then within a few short moments he said something that blew me away. He was recently reading the Uddhava-Gita,the words spoken by Sri Krishna unto Uddhava, and he said that the definition and symptoms of a devotee described therein alone put him to shame, “Just the symptoms of a devotee, his qualities…..” he said, “I am humiliated.” as his voice cracked, his eyes swelled in emotion and his hands began to tremble. I stared fearlessly into the eyes of an awakened soul for when I heard this I felt an unfathomable gap, an abyss open up within the dark cavern of my heart. It was as if a great quake had shaken my very existence. “I am a disgrace, a shame, worthless.” I thought to myself as the many highways of Deception raced before my eyes, the highways to hell. My very soul was exposed within the matter of seconds and I began to cry streams of tears in great shame. This conversation ensued in what can only be described as radical honestly without any inhibition or shame. Pure unadulterated truth. Now I realize that I have deceived everyone around me throughout the duration of my life. What a fraud I am! It was the truth that I knew inside but was too ashamed to admit to others for fear, anxiety that I would be misunderstood. Here, stood a wonderful devotee who proclaimed this very truth and reassured me from within, “I am a fraud, I am a fallen soul.” I can now admit it aloud without fear and I don’t hide it thinking that I may offend others. I know I am a fraud, a disgrace, a truly miserable mleccha but what other choice have I got? My heart is full of lust and greed and my mind is full of pride and envy. Never in my entire life have I engaged in any pious activities, never have I sincerely surrendered to the Lord or begged for Him through His Holy Name but still I must at least try.