Thursday, March 10, 2016

Anonymous Notes: The Last Time I Saw You

The last time I saw you, I felt anxious. I felt that you wanted to talk to me and it appeared you waited around in the hall in hopes of seeing me. I don't blame you; I've attempted the same before myself. There was no reason for you to stick around; the more I mingled, the more I realized that you probably were trying to reach out. I don't know whether you think I'm stupid enough to engage you or if your intentions are completely innocent. I don't know whether you think I'm a flirt or just friendly or that perhaps you have a chance in hell at striking up a fling off the cuff. What does it all matter now? As long as you persist, I'll resist. I'll keep you at a distance. Your demeanor is deceptively relaxed but I can see beneath that nonchalant veneer, my darling. 

The last time I saw you, I felt the happiest in my life. We were both absorbed and entranced in a delightful conversation and I didn't even care who else was around or eavesdropping because I simply couldn't have enough time with you. There was a palpable sense of urgency and desperation in the air that evening that drove me. Where shall we meet again, if ever, and when? I don't know if I'll ever see you again, or if I'll even have the courage to express to you how much you've touched my soul. I love you. I love you so much it just fucking hurts.

The last time I saw you, I felt we were both painfully awkward. I couldn't really find words to fill the empty void. I gave you a gift and without any reservation, you expressed how surprised you were but we didn't really speak again after that. I wonder how you are sometimes but honestly, I can't even be around you anymore. Sometimes I think you're deliberately trying to hurt my feelings and I can't wrap my head around you. Are we okay or not? I don't understand how you have so much power over me. Why do I care what you think about me? Is it because I still care about you? I can't stand you sometimes.

The last time I saw you, you told me I was beautiful and that you regretted the past. I accepted your apology because you seemed sincere and it was such a long time ago. I think you wanted me to feel sorry for you, your situation, your circumstances, and your hard times. I don't really give a shit. I don't care about your hard times because they were your own doing. You've manipulated and deceived plenty of people in your life and that is why you suffer. I don't know if you'll ever read this, but if you do, I hope you know I helped you because I cared for you, not because I felt pity. I wanted us to be friends and move forward but you crossed me in the worst possible way. How could you do it? 

The last time I saw you, I knew it would be the last time. I knew in my heart that I would have to live with this longing for the rest of my life and that every so often, that pang of separation would crop up, I'd stab it down, and forget it for a few years. And so on... it's been almost fifteen years and I don't think you'd recognize me anymore. I don't know if you would even speak to me in my present state and consciousness. Would you even find me interesting anymore or would I bore you? I wonder where you are, if you're all right, whom you're with and how you're doing periodically. I stab at the possibilities. I stab, stab, stab. 

The last time I saw you, my heart jumped. I couldn't believe it was you, but I don't know why I was so shocked. I don't know why I thought that I could avoid you and that it was improbable that I'd ever see you again. It was foolish to think so. It was foolish to hope I could put you behind me as an embarrassing phase and move forward without batting an eyelash. When I saw you, I had some ice cream or popsicle and you were headed to an exam. Where the hell were you all year? I didn't have to see you until finals week and it scared me shitless. I wanted to say, "Hi." but I also wanted to run the other way. I'm still terrified and titillated by you.
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