The last time I saw you, I felt anxious. I felt
that you wanted to talk to me and it appeared you waited around in the hall in
hopes of seeing me. I don't blame you; I've attempted the same before myself.
There was no reason for you to stick around; the more I mingled, the more I
realized that you probably were trying to reach out. I don't know whether you
think I'm stupid enough to engage you or if your intentions are completely
innocent. I don't know whether you think I'm a flirt or just friendly or that perhaps
you have a chance in hell at striking up a fling off the cuff. What does it all
matter now? As long as you persist, I'll resist. I'll keep you at a distance.
Your demeanor is deceptively relaxed but I can see beneath that nonchalant
veneer, my darling.
The last time I saw you, I felt the happiest in my
life. We were both absorbed and entranced in a delightful conversation and I
didn't even care who else was around or eavesdropping because I simply couldn't
have enough time with you. There was a palpable sense of urgency and
desperation in the air that evening that drove me. Where shall we meet again,
if ever, and when? I don't know if I'll ever see you again, or if I'll even
have the courage to express to you how much you've touched my soul. I love you.
I love you so much it just fucking hurts.
The last time I saw you, I felt we were both
painfully awkward. I couldn't really find words to fill the empty void. I gave
you a gift and without any reservation, you expressed how surprised you were
but we didn't really speak again after that. I wonder how you are sometimes but
honestly, I can't even be around you anymore. Sometimes I think you're
deliberately trying to hurt my feelings and I can't wrap my head around you.
Are we okay or not? I don't understand how you have so much power over me. Why
do I care what you think about me? Is it because I still care about you?
I can't stand you sometimes.
The last time I saw you, you told me I was
beautiful and that you regretted the past. I accepted your apology because you
seemed sincere and it was such a long time ago. I think you wanted me to feel
sorry for you, your situation, your circumstances, and your hard times. I don't
really give a shit. I don't care about your hard times because they were your
own doing. You've manipulated and deceived plenty of people in your life and
that is why you suffer. I don't know if you'll ever read this, but if you do, I
hope you know I helped you because I cared for you, not because I felt pity. I
wanted us to be friends and move forward but you crossed me in the worst
possible way. How could you do it?
The last time I saw you, I knew it would be the
last time. I knew in my heart that I would have to live with this longing for the
rest of my life and that every so often, that pang of separation would crop up,
I'd stab it down, and forget it for a few years. And so on... it's been almost
fifteen years and I don't think you'd recognize me anymore. I don't know if you
would even speak to me in my present state and consciousness. Would you even
find me interesting anymore or would I bore you? I wonder where you are, if
you're all right, whom you're with and how you're doing periodically. I stab at
the possibilities. I stab, stab, stab.
The last time I saw you, my heart jumped. I couldn't believe it was you,
but I don't know why I was so shocked. I don't know why I thought that I could
avoid you and that it was improbable that I'd ever see you again. It was
foolish to think so. It was foolish to hope I could put you behind me as an
embarrassing phase and move forward without batting an eyelash. When I saw you,
I had some ice cream or popsicle and you were headed to an exam. Where the hell
were you all year? I didn't have to see you until finals week and it scared me
shitless. I wanted to say, "Hi." but I also wanted to run the other
way. I'm still terrified and titillated by you.
